is weaning off of a cheater always a terrible idea?

[kendahke]

First of all, I wouldn't sleep with anyone else and him at the same time; I don't sleep with multiple people. Secondly, he sort of knows about it, athough not that I'm meeting someone out in a few days. I don't owe him a god damn thing and despite my handling this poorly I will NEVER be on his level. Ever.

 

You might not be physically cheating, but you are opening up a space of intimacy to other men--and that's how the seed towards physical cheating gets planted--spending time, getting to know others, establishing a familiarity that you would not want your boyfriend to witness. Were you to do the honorable and integrity-minded thing, you'd pull up your big girl pants, you'd dump the boyfriend and you would be free to allow anyone you choose into a place of intimacy.

 

There are people you don't even know who know you're in a relationship with your boyfriend and most likely will know one of the guys you're trying to talk to who would be more than happy to drop a dime on you. The world is really small in some instances... and when your intent is nefarious as yours is, it gets even smaller.

 

Drop off your boyfriend, get past the demise of the relationship and then enter into whatever you wish with someone new. Using people is really déclassé.

[Spectre]

I went on one date and might go on a group date next week. I don't engage in any type of sexual activity until 5+ dates and no I haven't kissed or taken part in Any type of sexual behavior with anyone but him.

 

Alright but you realize either way going on a date with someone else is cheating right?

 

So either way, you doing that and keeping him around when you know you want to leave=you being on his level. Just don't do it. Why? No reason for you to sink to his low.

[Leigh 87]

Gosh, I am so sorry this happened to you...

 

Sounds like he is a serial scum bag.

 

You are no where NEAR his level - omg... he is a SERIEL cheater.... Where as you don't seem to have the stomach for it.

 

Going on a date or two when you have just been left heartbroken DOES NOT make you anywhere near his level:sick:

 

The guy is a lowlife. He knows right from wrong; he knows that he has a problem with monogamy and yet he still tried to date girls who he knows very well DO expect monogamy.

 

A person with empathy would go and seek help BEFORE he put himself in a position to hurt someone!

 

You have empathy. He doesn't. Or only very minimally at best!

 

Stay away from him, I weaned off my ex and it only worsened the pain. It only prolonged the inevitable.

[Leigh 87]

Alright but you realize either way going on a date with someone else is cheating right?

 

So either way, you doing that and keeping him around when you know you want to leave=you being on his level. Just don't do it. Why? No reason for you to sink to his low.

 

 

Can you not do basic math?

 

1 : He cheated on multiple women.

 

2: He knows what he is doing is wrong and yet he still does it

 

He knows very well he has a problem with monogamy.

He knows there is a HIGH chance he will re offend with others

He knows the girls would be devastated if they found out

Yet he chooses to enter into "relationships", despite the fact he knows he has no self control; a decent person with empathy would remain single and work on themselves before entering into new relationships.

 

3: He prefers to continue dating a woman once he has cheated, rather than confess so she has the option of finding a man who doesn't cheat.

He is robbing women of having the option of finding a man who will not cheat.

 

The OP has not physically cheated.

She doesn't have the stomach to be dating a guy for months, only to sleep with other men and then ..... just not tell her bf about it.

It is Over to the OP, and she is merely ripping the band aid of slowly. They are NOT in a committed relationship in HER mind; she is just in shock, I can pretty much guarantee the OP is not the type of a girl who could do what this guy did to her - to others.

 

The OP isn't as low - she wouldn't do as he did - she couldn't be in love and in a relationship with one man, whilst banging another behind his back.

 

There is a BIG difference between a poor girl being in shock and not ready to immediately severe ties, and a girl who is a SERIEL cheater.

 

If you cannot see that you have issues.

[barcode88]

Can you not do basic math?

 

1 : He cheated on multiple women.

 

2: He knows what he is doing is wrong and yet he still does it

 

He knows very well he has a problem with monogamy.

He knows there is a HIGH chance he will re offend with others

He knows the girls would be devastated if they found out

Yet he chooses to enter into "relationships", despite the fact he knows he has no self control; a decent person with empathy would remain single and work on themselves before entering into new relationships.

 

3: He prefers to continue dating a woman once he has cheated, rather than confess so she has the option of finding a man who doesn't cheat.

He is robbing women of having the option of finding a man who will not cheat.

 

The OP has not physically cheated.

She doesn't have the stomach to be dating a guy for months, only to sleep with other men and then ..... just not tell her bf about it.

It is Over to the OP, and she is merely ripping the band aid of slowly. They are NOT in a committed relationship in HER mind; she is just in shock, I can pretty much guarantee the OP is not the type of a girl who could do what this guy did to her - to others.

 

The OP isn't as low - she wouldn't do as he did - she couldn't be in love and in a relationship with one man, whilst banging another behind his back.

 

There is a BIG difference between a poor girl being in shock and not ready to immediately severe ties, and a girl who is a SERIEL cheater.

 

If you cannot see that you have issues.

 

Leigh I think specter is just trying to say she should just break up with him... Which I agree with.

 

Staying with him for ulterior reasons isn't taking the high road - even if he cheated first and caused the heartbreak. Dating while in a relationship even without sex is considered as emotional cheating by many, and isn't the way to go about things.

 

Take the high road op and dump him. Don't stoop even halfway to his level.

[BluEyeL]

I am so so sorry for you, Lissvarna! I hope you recover fast. You will get through this! But just dump him no, no delay!

[Spectre]

Can you not do basic math?

 

1 : He cheated on multiple women.

 

2: He knows what he is doing is wrong and yet he still does it

 

He knows very well he has a problem with monogamy.

He knows there is a HIGH chance he will re offend with others

He knows the girls would be devastated if they found out

Yet he chooses to enter into "relationships", despite the fact he knows he has no self control; a decent person with empathy would remain single and work on themselves before entering into new relationships.

 

3: He prefers to continue dating a woman once he has cheated, rather than confess so she has the option of finding a man who doesn't cheat.

He is robbing women of having the option of finding a man who will not cheat.

 

The OP has not physically cheated.

She doesn't have the stomach to be dating a guy for months, only to sleep with other men and then ..... just not tell her bf about it.

It is Over to the OP, and she is merely ripping the band aid of slowly. They are NOT in a committed relationship in HER mind; she is just in shock, I can pretty much guarantee the OP is not the type of a girl who could do what this guy did to her - to others.

 

The OP isn't as low - she wouldn't do as he did - she couldn't be in love and in a relationship with one man, whilst banging another behind his back.

 

There is a BIG difference between a poor girl being in shock and not ready to immediately severe ties, and a girl who is a SERIEL cheater.

 

If you cannot see that you have issues.

 

Can you do basic reading? This girl is a cheater too. She hasn't screwed anyone(she claims) but dating other folk is cheating. She is going on another date soon, a group date. Sounds like..multiple accounts of cheating. Almost..one might say, SERIAL cheating. This isn't a maybe, she flat out said she has this planned.

 

It speaks wonders you say she did not physically cheat. Yeah, you realize the fact you had to specify physically says all we need to know, right?

 

The reasons you have given are so crazy I wonder if you are just messing with us. Did you just say they are "not in a committed relationship in HER mind"??? So, what if in the boyfriends mind they were not committed when he cheated? What then?

 

Holy cow, he knows what he is doing and still does it. SO DOES THIS WOMAN. Sorry, the OP is as low. She is using him and cheating on him. She is cheating, just because it isn't physical means nothing. So yeah, she is on his level.

 

She doesn't have the stomach to sleep with other guys and not tell her boyfriend? Okay, but she DOES have the stomach to use the guy and cheat on him until she finds someone better and gets over him. Gee, what a relationship saint.

 

Here is a crazy thought: if it is over to the OP then she should dump him. If in HER MIND it is over, then dump him. Do not spout stupid analogies about ripping band aids off. Just don't. Stop defending utterly shady ass behavior merely because you believe the boyfriend had shady ass behavior..but just on a higher level. Certainly do not come in here spouting nonsense about if I can do math and how in HER mind she isn't in a committed relationship. Whoop dee friggin doo! If her boyfriend had been the one posting and said he cheated because in his mind they weren't in a committed relationship...people would jump on that piece of trash and rightfully so. This girl doesn't get a pass to act that way just because the boyfriend did. If this "poor girl" was in so much shock she wouldn't be able to go on dates with other dudes. Yet damn, what a soldier, she managed to trudge through this horrible horrible shock in order to do some cheating of her own! Pin a medal on this brave girl.

 

It's remarkable if you said all you did with a straight face. You seriously pulled the "well in HER mind they are no longer committed!" thing? Seriously? Yeah, just lovely. You said it without the slightest HINT of sarcasm or irony so kudos to you there. The problem is..when guys say things like that they get crucified.

Edited March 27, 2015 by Spectre

[Eighty_nine]

It's pretty amazing to me, Spectre, that you can see no difference between serial cheating and lying behavior and me wanting to go on a date or two to make letting go easier. Very interesting. What's more offensive is you keep saying "I claim" i haven't slept with anyone else. I met one person for a drink and pretty much decided I'm not ready for any of that regardless if he's still sort of in my life or totally out of it. I made it clear that I don't sleep around. EVER. From your posts I notice a lot of bitterness and assumptions about women-- like I just MUST have started immediately sleeping around even though that's NOWHERE NEAR the truth or even something I ever considered doing. No point in arguing with you, you have tunnel vision. And BTW he knew with 100% certainty we were in a relationship.

The person I'm really hurting my "ripping off the bandaid slowly" is myself, not him. He knows it's over for me, I think, but doesn't want to fully acknowledge it. I'm having a lot of problems acknowledging it myself. I'm doing my best.

Edited March 27, 2015 by lissvarna

[Spectre]

Cheating is cheating, if you are still together you going on " a date or two" is cheating. So you are going back and forth here. Okay you are not sleeping around, fine, but saying "he knows it's over for me...I think, but won't acknowledge it" is still saying you don't really know.

Edited March 27, 2015 by Spectre

[kendahke]

It's pretty amazing to me, Spectre, that you can see no difference between serial cheating and lying behavior and me wanting to go on a date or two to make letting go easier.

 

You are using someone to help you let go of someone else. Does this guy you're going out with know his function in this mess you're creating?

 

The person I'm really hurting my "ripping off the bandaid slowly" is myself, not him. He knows it's over for me, I think, but doesn't want to fully acknowledge it. I'm having a lot of problems acknowledging it myself. I'm doing my best.

 

No, the person you'll be hurting is the guy you are using to do all of this with unless you're telling them up front what their job is when going out with you--and that is to help you get over some other guy. No one likes to be used in a scheme against another person unless they're effed in the head.

 

How would you like some guy to use you like this--to get over some other chick slowly?

 

I guess this means that you're being completely and totally transparent with these guys you're allowing into your intimacy? And intimacy does not mean sex. I have a feeling that you're not telling them the truth as to why they are there with you on the date.

[Spectre]

So okay, instead of this sounding like you want to stay with your boyfriend while you sleep with other people..instead you want to stay with your boyfriend while you..dip your toe into the dating world.

 

It's a rather tame form of cheating, I will give you that. Still cheating though.

[barcode88]

It's pretty amazing to me, Spectre, that you can see no difference between serial cheating and lying behavior and me wanting to go on a date or two to make letting go easier. Very interesting. What's more offensive is you keep saying "I claim" i haven't slept with anyone else. I met one person for a drink and pretty much decided I'm not ready for any of that regardless if he's still sort of in my life or totally out of it. I made it clear that I don't sleep around. EVER. From your posts I notice a lot of bitterness and assumptions about women-- like I just MUST have started immediately sleeping around even though that's NOWHERE NEAR the truth or even something I ever considered doing. No point in arguing with you, you have tunnel vision. And BTW he knew with 100% certainty we were in a relationship.

The person I'm really hurting my "ripping off the bandaid slowly" is myself, not him. He knows it's over for me, I think, but doesn't want to fully acknowledge it. I'm having a lot of problems acknowledging it myself. I'm doing my best.

 

I don't think anyone is saying that you're just as bad as he is...

 

 

But going on a date or two BEFORE you've broken up with your Boyfriend is still cheating - even if there isn't touching/sex involved. Do the adult thing and break up with your boyfriend right away! You mention that your Boyfriend has probably "assumed" it is over -- this is a problem with a lot of Women not being CLEAR and DIRECT, and expecting everyone to read the signals.

[Eighty_nine]

I'm not getting intimate with anyone, not using anyone. It was one date, I wasn't into the guy and realized I'm not going to be ready to date anyone else for awhile.

[Spectre]

I'm not getting intimate with anyone, not using anyone. It was one date, I wasn't into the guy and realized I'm not going to be ready to date anyone else for awhile.

 

Just to be clear: one date is still cheating. You deciding to stay with this guy until you can get over him is using him.

 

Also..if you realized you are not going to be ready to date anyone else for a while then WHAT are we doing here? Your bf cheated, you realized you aren't ready to date others. So you should dump him, like you should of done before you began this little..whatever this is.

 

Okay, let us just bottom line this: you do not want to be with this man anymore. Therefore, you should tell him it is over. Or we can just go back to your original question: YES WEANING OFF A CHEATER IS A TERRIBLE IDEA.

[Eighty_nine]

Well, guess what? I don't feel bad about it one bit. I had a couple drinks with someone-- I guess I'm a cheater. Dealing with such hurt and betrayal is very difficult, very complicated and I'm not going to let you make me feel shame about my having difficulty coping.

[barcode88]

Well, guess what? I don't feel bad about it one bit. I had a couple drinks with someone-- I guess I'm a cheater. Dealing with such hurt and betrayal is very difficult, very complicated and I'm not going to let you make me feel shame about my having difficulty coping.

 

I wouldn't negatively judge you for that, considering the circumstances, just remember it is what it is.

[kendahke]

Well, guess what? I don't feel bad about it one bit. I had a couple drinks with someone-- I guess I'm a cheater. Dealing with such hurt and betrayal is very difficult, very complicated and I'm not going to let you make me feel shame about my having difficulty coping.

 

as long as you're being transparent with the guy you're using to cope with all of this, there is no problem.

 

But if you're not telling him your intentions of being with him, taking up his time, etc., then I guess bravado is all you do have to stand on.

[Spectre]

Well, guess what? I don't feel bad about it one bit. I had a couple drinks with someone-- I guess I'm a cheater. Dealing with such hurt and betrayal is very difficult, very complicated and I'm not going to let you make me feel shame about my having difficulty coping.

 

Like someone else said: it is what it is. Feel shame or don't feel shame. Just know that what you are doing is cheating. The same thing you are trashing this guy for doing to you.

 

But it's okay for you to cheat because it wasn't physical and hey you were just betrayed right? I'm glad we've cleared all that up.

[Eighty_nine]

Like someone else said: it is what it is. Feel shame or don't feel shame. Just know that what you are doing is cheating. The same thing you are trashing this guy for doing to you.

 

But it's okay for you to cheat because it wasn't physical and hey you were just betrayed right? I'm glad we've cleared all that up.

 

You're an a**hole. I'm aware you think me going on one date with one person means I'm just as much of a cheater and liar as my ex is- I got it. Point made. Feel free to stay away from this thread now.

[barcode88]

You're an a**hole. I'm aware you think me going on one date with one person means I'm just as much of a cheater and liar as my ex is- I got it. Point made. Feel free to stay away from this thread now.

 

I wouldn't quite put it so bluntly, you're not "just as much" of a cheater/liar. But it is cheating even if it is only mild, so it is a bit hypocritical to condemn him for it if you're capable of doing it yourself - albeit in a revenge fashion.

 

I'm sorry about your situation, I was cheated on in a previous relationship, and it's really hard to stomach sometimes. Just try and be the mature one and end things properly - vengeance is never a good thing.

 

Do to others as you would have them do to you. Even if the person is a cheating *******.

[Spectre]

You're an a**hole. I'm aware you think me going on one date with one person means I'm just as much of a cheater and liar as my ex is- I got it. Point made. Feel free to stay away from this thread now.

 

I'm glad you got the point. This really isn't about who is the best or worst cheater, it's about hypocrisy. It's about the fact in your mind being cheated gave you some sort of "all clear" signal to then try to play these childish games.

 

He's a cheater and a chump, just leave. No reason to play games.

[Zahara]

You give sound advice to others. You know the answer to your question. Yet...

 

Regardless of you dating/using others to transition to the other side, it speaks highly of how much you value yourself by sticking around with a cheater because you're in fear. And no, he was never a good boyfriend. "Good" is consistent. Your boyfriend just put up a really good show.

[Spectre]

At the end of the day though remedying having a bad boyfriend by becoming a bad girlfriend is just all kinds of crazy and a waste of everyone's time.

 

Since I'm sure the one person the OP went on a date on with was totally told up front and before hand what she was up to with her bf, right? Since that would be shady if not, and the only shady person here is apparently the boyfriend.