anabel32 Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 Second day of NC... Some of you may know my story and how much I struggled to let my MM go... We broke it off 3 months ago (the physical part of the affair) and decided to be friends but it was too hard emotionally for me... so many times I felt disrespected, ignored... manipulated. Maybe it was overthinking on my part as well that added to my pain, but in any case I decided not to disregard anymore the way I was feeling about it. For 3 months since the breakup I wanted to change the way I felt, so I am more at ease, so I am more relaxed and less emotionally invested, less demanding. I was simply forcing myself to disregard my own feelings and pretend to be someone else... just for the sake of still having him in my life... even just as a friend. It didn't work for me, it is impossible on my part. As many say... the pandora box has been opened and there is no going back to friendship zone anymore. Many of you suggested that I should go NC without even letting him know, but this would have been pretty much too difficult for me. I know I didn't owe him anything, no explanations after he has been treating me very badly but I decided that my actions shouldn't reflect who he is but who I am. I felt I needed to draw a line and visually close that door for my own peace and calm. I wrote him an email, it was very brief with not much emotions, just said that I am moving on and we cannot ever be friends. That there has been just too much pain and resentment over the last weeks and I cannot carry on like that anymore. I said I am finally taking care of myself. I wished him the same. Then I shut down the private account that we have been communicating on for the last 2.5 years. It was so emotional, I cried after I pressed the sent button, but I also felt huge relief. The first day of NC yesterday was hard... I felt very confused, I felt that maybe I didn't do the right thing again... but today I feel such a great peace and confidence about this decision. It somehow settled in... It has been such a great day without having to think when he is going to contact me again, without trying to control the outcome of our relationship over and over again. I can finally focus my energy on something that will bring happiness in a longer term. I started meditating, I signed up for tai chi classes, I have signed up for charity bike ride for 300m distance. I am trying to keep myself busy but also find time to reflect without judgments ... just learning to love myself once again.. I wish that to you all. Thank you for all your support xxx 8 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 Just take care of you, be good to yourself. DO NOT beat yourself up. That relief you felt is the 'final' pain, now your pain is grieving the loss and letting go, getting over him. There's no time limit in grieving but just know that you will feel happier and be in a better place on some level because there's no more second guessing and analyzing everything he said and did. Your pain is sadness of losing and letting go. You will be okay! You're strong and will survive this. Embrace your better and good days, and allow the bad ones to be just that. Glad to hear you're being pro active, meditation and exercise is great to help you heal and keep you emotionally balanced. Throw in a spa day in there too! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author anabel32 Posted March 25, 2015 Author Share Posted March 25, 2015 Just take care of you, be good to yourself. DO NOT beat yourself up. That relief you felt is the 'final' pain, now your pain is grieving the loss and letting go, getting over him. There's no time limit in grieving but just know that you will feel happier and be in a better place on some level because there's no more second guessing and analyzing everything he said and did. Your pain is sadness of losing and letting go. You will be okay! You're strong and will survive this. Embrace your better and good days, and allow the bad ones to be just that. Glad to hear you're being pro active, meditation and exercise is great to help you heal and keep you emotionally balanced. Throw in a spa day in there too! Thank you so much whichwayisup 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GoldieLox Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 I'm glad to hear this. Now you move on to the next stage, grieving. You're going to feel a lot of different things all at once. No matter what you do, do not take that step backwards and contact him. Just remember... no matter how bad you're feeling at any point throughout the day, contacting him will just make you feel so much worse. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Josmatjes Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 I'm so happy for you. Now focus on yourself. I started dieting and working out. I also bought a cd of Joel osteens new book " you can, you will" and I listen to it on my way to work and ya know it really has helped me a lot. I feel more grounded and in control of where I want to be. Maybe try that also as a backup... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 I was simply forcing myself to disregard my own feelings and pretend to be someone else... just for the sake of still having him in my life... even just as a friend. This is great insight. By ending this, you are being your own advocate. You sound so strong and self aware. You are caring for yourself because you are worth it. You will be OK 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Southern Sun Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 So happy for you! This is a big step. You recognized what was no longer good for YOU and took steps to resolve it. You should feel very proud. Prepare yourself for the hard days, because they will come. I love what WWIU said, just accept them for what they are - a bad day. Don't make them bigger than that. Embrace the good ones as the progress they are. Do your best to hold fast to an absolute irreversible decision not to contact. If you do not even entertain it, you will be much more at peace. Wishing you the best...I'm walking the same path with you. Southern 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Pretywoman Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 Do you think he will read the email? I wrote an email to him. I always wonder if he reads it or the email address has been a dummy since then. He has changed his numbers too.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbow00 Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 I am so proud of you! You're stronger than I am. How are you doing today? Remember this is for the best and not to look back. It's so hard (I broke NC once) but it's better to do this sooner rather than later, when you are more emotionally attached. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author anabel32 Posted March 26, 2015 Author Share Posted March 26, 2015 (edited) I'm glad to hear this. Now you move on to the next stage, grieving. You're going to feel a lot of different things all at once. No matter what you do, do not take that step backwards and contact him. Just remember... no matter how bad you're feeling at any point throughout the day, contacting him will just make you feel so much worse. Thank you GoldieLOx. Yes I am sure there will be lots of emotions on the way and it is not going to be easy, but so far I feel such a HUGE relief that it is over. I finally feel at peace with myself and this decision to cut him off. It took a while to get there though. Grieve will come, I am sure, but I will let it come and let it pass.. I know in huge part it will be grieve of not only him but also myself. As I lost myself in this affair as I let it drag for so long, accepting crumbs and feeling less worthy each time. It will be also loss of a relationship I thought I could build up with him... but it was only an illusion, it couldn't be built up on real closeness, truthfulness and intimacy. I will have to keep remembering that. Thank you.. I'm so happy for you. Now focus on yourself. I started dieting and working out. I also bought a cd of Joel osteens new book " you can, you will" and I listen to it on my way to work and ya know it really has helped me a lot. I feel more grounded and in control of where I want to be. Maybe try that also as a backup... Thank you so much Josmatjes, I will check the book out I try to read a lot so anything that would help me to get stronger... I also recommend.. Journey of the Heart: The Path of Conscious Love by John Welwood. My therapist recomended it and I am already super excited about it. This one is best to read chapter a week and make some reflections about it, as it is pretty intense but really amazing read. This is great insight. By ending this, you are being your own advocate. You sound so strong and self aware. You are caring for yourself because you are worth it. You will be OK Thank you Quiet Storm. I started paying attention to my feelings... they are such a great guide for us and we should listen... but so many times we prefer to disregard them. If a situation makes you feel uncomfortable- listen to the uncomfort and find out what it is trying to tell you... if you feel insecure- this feeling is there for a reason- maybe the person or relationship is toxic and things should be changed in some way... etc,.. etc... just paying attention for our own good. So happy for you! This is a big step. You recognized what was no longer good for YOU and took steps to resolve it. You should feel very proud. Prepare yourself for the hard days, because they will come. I love what WWIU said, just accept them for what they are - a bad day. Don't make them bigger than that. Embrace the good ones as the progress they are. Do your best to hold fast to an absolute irreversible decision not to contact. If you do not even entertain it, you will be much more at peace. Wishing you the best...I'm walking the same path with you. Southern Thank you SOuthern.. I hope I will come out so much stronger on the other side... taking it day by day now xx I am so proud of you! You're stronger than I am. How are you doing today? Remember this is for the best and not to look back. It's so hard (I broke NC once) but it's better to do this sooner rather than later, when you are more emotionally attached. Thank you Rainbow.. Today has been another great day. I don't miss him, I don't miss the insecure feelings inside me, the unknown when he is going to make time to see me, wondering what he is thinking about me... I just don't have to think about it anymore... and I am at peace with ending it 100%. I know that bad days may come but I am ready to challenge them. WHen you start thinking about YOU again, about what is healthy for you , choices and decisions as well as reactions to people and situations are so much more peaceful and easier... I think Rainbow you really need to go NC and never look back. Your MM wanted to focus on his family, you were not a priority for him and you need to understand this and let him go...You got in touch and had a great time with him for a short while but maybe this meeting with you set him back as well. Maybe he realised that you are not what he wants as things in his life are getting messed up and he doesn't like it, therefore he blew cold again and didn't connect with you again. WHatever it is at his end- he didn't stood up to your expectations how you would like to be treated by him- therefore you got hurt and it is not going to change. He is never going to meet you halfway. Your only way to move on and start healing is to go NC and stick to it. Even if he gets in touch with you you have to ignore it... You will heal, trust me... just give it a chance. Edited March 26, 2015 by anabel32 Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbow00 Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 Wow anabel, you sound like you're so in control and doing so well. I am so proud of you, and a little envious that you are so strong! I wish I could see through the fog like you. And after 2.5 years, you must be more attached than I was (6 months). Like you said, there are definitely things I don't miss - wondering when I would be important enough for him to make time for me, when and if he was thinking of me, things like that. But I horribly miss our time together, talking, going to lunch... I can't shake those feelings. I do think I need to stick to NC, like you said. I just finished reading the book I bought recently, "Ignore the guy, Get the guy" which is about sticking to NC. It did help some, although I am still burning for answers as to his coldness. It doesn't matter anymore though, I keep trying to tell myself that. Hopefully soon I can reach the point where you are - I am sure looking forward to it!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbow00 Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 Hi Anabel, thought of you today. How are you doing? Strong as last time we heard from You I hope. You are an inspiration to me so I hope you are doing well and able to keep moving forward. I am trying to do the same. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author anabel32 Posted March 28, 2015 Author Share Posted March 28, 2015 (edited) Hi Anabel, thought of you today. How are you doing? Strong as last time we heard from You I hope. You are an inspiration to me so I hope you are doing well and able to keep moving forward. I am trying to do the same. Hi Rainbow... thank you for your message. I am still doing good so far, although I had a moment yesterday when I trully missed him...My colleague at work mentioned his name in some conversation with me about work and it triggered me a bit. I then thought about him for a while...but I let these feelings pass. I embraced the fact that I was missing him and didn't try to quit it (resistance would give it even more power) and reminding myself that I miss what I hoped the relationship could have been rather then what it was and what he was willing and capable of giving me. I reminded myself how insecure I started to feel when I was in relationship with him and how hurtful everytime we spent time together after being intimate and he was rushing ho.e not to be late... not to raise any questions. I reminded myself how lonely this relationship really made me feel... I remembered how defeated I felt when we decided to be friends and he didn't have to try harder anymore to make time for me and to keep in touch as before- as we were then on "friends" terms and friends are cool and friends have no expectation or deeper feeling.... ughhhh... it wasn't me.. I think in NC we tend to forget about the bad stuff and just unconciously find excuses to make us feel like we want them back. This is how addiction works... we just crave the high and we would do anything, disregard anything to go back... we will feel good for a short time but the regret, the feeling how pathetic we are will come back with double force... If you miss him Rainbow... accept it- you miss him because you have feelings, but remind yourself and bring awareness to yourself about decision that you will stick to NC as it is more healthy for you and you are taking care of yourself now, rather then a relationship that was hurting you and didn't give you what you would want and expect. Bring awerness to every feeling you are feeling and bring awareness to your decision to finally disconnect. Next time your feelings of longing won't have that much power anymore... slowly... day by day. It is like conversing with your feelings and yourself... Take care.. Keep me posted how you get on! Hugs xxx Edited March 28, 2015 by anabel32 Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbow00 Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 Anabel, thanks for the update! I read and reread your post. I relate to so much of what you said - even not experiencing some of it. Like how I know we can't be friends because I would just want more and more. We were never physical but whe spending time together he would always Rush off to make sure he wssnt late. I felt lonely often when in an EA because I kept wanting more and every time he broke a promise or left me hanging I felt horrible about myself. How could I let him breake down so much? I've never felt addiction like this. I still miss him. I'm going to think about what you said and post back later you really are an inspiration to me, silly as that sounds. I want to be as strong as you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Josmatjes Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 There are always going to be triggers wherever you go. Prepare yourself in your mind to block them and immediately think of something else.... It's hard, I have triggers and sometimes it's so consuming, but you can do it... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author anabel32 Posted March 28, 2015 Author Share Posted March 28, 2015 (edited) Anabel, thanks for the update! I read and reread your post. I relate to so much of what you said - even not experiencing some of it. Like how I know we can't be friends because I would just want more and more. We were never physical but whe spending time together he would always Rush off to make sure he wssnt late. I felt lonely often when in an EA because I kept wanting more and every time he broke a promise or left me hanging I felt horrible about myself. How could I let him breake down so much? I've never felt addiction like this. I still miss him. I'm going to think about what you said and post back later you really are an inspiration to me, silly as that sounds. I want to be as strong as you. Rainbow, you are strong, you just forgot about it for a while... and you lost trust in yourself that you can do it. What I feel and observe... I may be wrong... but let me put some thoughts here...that you are staying in marriage that is unhappy for you and your MM let you taste what something more stronger, something more intimate was still possible outside of your relationship with your husband. You say you live together but are like roommates.. why have you decided to stay this way? Why do you want to stay married to someone you don't feel connected to anymore.... are you willing to work on it or do you think you will stay broken forever?? Please let me understand your situation a bit more... Why I ask about it is that staying in marriage that doesn't give you what true loving relationship should give you, you became totally dependent on your MM to give you what was missing in your marriage.. even though you claimed you are not sure if you loved him really. But you became so dependent on him to be your excuse for dealing with your own unhappy feelings that you are struggling now to let him go. As without him you are left feeling how unhappy you trully are... Until you start dealing and trying to sort out your closest relationships... firstly with yourself and then make some healthy space around you (your husband- either leaving or trying to make it more healthy and start working on it) you will always try to find ESCAPE from yourself and your own unhappiness in other people..to find distractions from your own life.... because you will want to avoid dealing with your most "nearest" issues. This is where you will become clingy and dependent on other people to "numb" you from the pain... just like drugs do.. they numb you and make you feel good about yourself for a while but then when reality hits.. that your drug "MM" cannot really give you what you truly want you are then left again to face your unhappiness again... and you may not like it. You will then miss and struggle to let go of the drug for a long time and crave to reconnect... I would say Rainbow... until you start facing yourself , dealing with your own problems, your marriage.. you will never be trully happy.. Stop running away from yourself... Think about it and let me know what you think... Edited March 28, 2015 by anabel32 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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