I feel so bitter...

[Jonp219]

I've been having these mixed feelings of sorrow and resentment towards my most recent ex. I still love her, but I hate her at the very same time. We've been NC for about a month now and I haven't heard anything from her (Yeah Yeah Yeah no breadcrumbs are better, heard it too many times already). I just can't believe someone I spent 4 years with can just become a stranger just like that.

 

I know I hurt her, but how is the only thing I've heard from you since the break up is a birthday wish? I can't wrap my head around it, I just hate everything right now. I have a math midterm that i'm not ready for on Monday, and I haven't been studying for it. For the last week or so I've been crying more often, especially in the mornings. The good thing is I stopped checking her Twitter about 10 days ago, which has helped (sort of). However, I feel like i'm in more pain now. I feel like punching her across the face if I were to ever see her in my presence.

 

I want her back, but then I don't. My mind is completely ****ed...

[fireflywy]

Rascal Flatts "Let it Hurt." Says it all. You will get through it.

[BlackbirdSong]

I'm right there with you Jonp219....day 44 of deafening silence.....mixed emotions every day.

[fireflywy]

Also, you need to focus on your future.

 

"everytime you get up amd get back in the race, one more small piece of you falls into place."

[Jonp219]

Also, you need to focus on your future.

 

"everytime you get up amd get back in the race, one more small piece of you falls into place."

 

It's hard focusing on a future without her, you know? It almost feels like it isn't worth it anymore now I don't have someone to share that with. I'm not good at meeting people, and obviously, i'm not good at relationships either. My puzzle is shattered, even my pieces are shattered. I can't imagine what good will come out of this break-up.

[fireflywy]

Im not good at meeting people either and i sit in envy of those who easily can. But hou know what, ive actually been with some pretty good looking women which i never thought would happen and all when i wasnt even looking. It happens all the time (and Im just average lol). You gotta stop saying that. I assume youre in college so you really havent had a long view of exactly how "good" you are at meeting people.

 

Now,

 

Your puzzle piece isn't shattered guy. Your puzzle piece is never fixed and static. It changes throughout life and as it changes, the puzzle and where we belong also changes making a space where you fit. It may be with this person, it may not be.

 

However, you can't stop living your life, hold onto her forever, or never forgive yourself and in doing so, rob all of us or another person of that space you fill in the puzzle.

 

You gotta get back in the game guy. And I don't mean dating (though that will come) but back into your life.

[Jonp219]

Im not good at meeting people either and i sit in envy of those who easily can. But hou know what, ive actually been with some pretty good looking women which i never thought would happen and all when i wasnt even looking. It happens all the time (and Im just average lol). You gotta stop saying that. I assume youre in college so you really havent had a long view of exactly how "good" you are at meeting people.

 

Now,

 

Your puzzle piece isn't shattered guy. Your puzzle piece is never fixed and static. It changes throughout life and as it changes, the puzzle and where we belong also changes making a space where you fit. It may be with this person, it may not be.

 

However, you can't stop living your life, hold onto her forever, or never forgive yourself and in doing so, rob all of us or another person of that space you fill in the puzzle.

 

You gotta get back in the game guy. And I don't mean dating (though that will come) but back into your life.

 

I don't get lucky like that lol.

 

I just don't talk to people like that, usually it's me who has to go look for the women and ask them out. The reason I can get a date is because me and that girl have a mutual friend in common.

 

I feel weak and unresponsive towards everyone/everything. I've been drinking a lot the last month or so, when I drink it's the only way I can bring out the regular me, the guy I was before the break-up. I know I can't stop my life for this one girl, but it just hurts a lot not seeing her text messages every morning like I use to. :'(

 

I wish I wasn't the way I was with her, i'm in therapy now so I can control my issues. Slowly it's getting better, but I still lost a dear friend and lover at the end of it all.

[fireflywy]

I don't get lucky like that lol.

 

I just don't talk to people like that, usually it's me who has to go look for the women and ask them out. The reason I can get a date is because me and that girl have a mutual friend in common.

 

I feel weak and unresponsive towards everyone/everything. I've been drinking a lot the last month or so, when I drink it's the only way I can bring out the regular me, the guy I was before the break-up. I know I can't stop my life for this one girl, but it just hurts a lot not seeing her text messages every morning like I use to. :'(

You'd be surprised what a few kind words to a woman at just the right moment opens up and it's often done without looking.

 

wish I wasn't the way I was with her, i'm in therapy now so I can control my issues. Slowly it's getting better, but I still lost a dear friend and lover at the end of it all.

 

I'm glad you're in therapy, that alone says that you will be better and stronger somewhere down the line.

 

There's a song quote from Celtic Woman "I lost the friends I needed losing, and made new ones along the way...."

[HerbertThistle]

Hey there,

 

Sorry to hear that you're in pain, and glad to hear that you're taking it seriously enough to talk to someone if that's what you feel you need to do.

 

I'm not in a position where I can tell you what to do in terms of the emotional distress, but I do have some rather more practical advice to share if you want it. You mentioned that you have a midterm coming up.. Well, I work as a GTA at a university in the UK, and assuming your system is as humane as ours.. you should be able to get an extension, resit or extra marks awarded (based on performance in earlier work) if you fail to live up to your usual standards.

 

At our institution, you would have to go speak to the the professor, the undergraduate office, or your mentor. They will know how to proceed, and since you're seeing professional you might benefit from providing a letter from them to confirm your that you are not well at the moment.

 

I know that doesn't help with the root issue, but perhaps it will remove some modicum of stress.

[Michelle ma Belle]

This is very normal. Like you said, you spent 4 years with this one person which means it will take some serious time to recover from that break-up. Going on 4 weeks NC isn't all that long in the grand scheme of things and it can still feel as raw as it if it happened yesterday.

 

It will get better but YOU have to want to make it better. That means keeping busy but especially halting any online stalking you're doing with her social media channels. This is not only a great first step but an important one.

 

As for her not making contact with you during this NC period, not sure what else to say except that it's NC and for a reason. Sometimes when people are together so long and finally break up, the freedom can feel exhilarating if only temporarily particularly if things were rough near the end.

 

You said you "hurt her" which might explain why she's silent. I have no idea what you did and if that was the straw that broke the camel's back but it only seems justified to want distance from someone who hurt them regardless of how long they've been together.

 

Love or hate her, you need to come to terms that it's over for right now and find ways to refocus your energy on more productive things. Again, that takes effort on your part. It doesn't just happen. You have to want it and take the steps to achieve it.

 

Good luck.

[Arieswoman]

Jonp219,

I am sorry you are hurting.

 

You say you're angry and you want to smack her in the chops? That's good. The fact you have anger which means you are in the 2nd stage of the grieving process - only 3 more to go.....

 

Now try and use that anger for you.

Join a gym, paint the bedroom, clear out a cupboard, mow the lawn, who cares what you do, but harness it for you.

 

Maybe some counselling would help?

Please talk to you tutor about this and see if you can defer some tests/exams for a while, most educational establishments are sympathetic to these situations.

 

Good luck.

[Jonp219]

This is very normal. Like you said, you spent 4 years with this one person which means it will take some serious time to recover from that break-up. Going on 4 weeks NC isn't all that long in the grand scheme of things and it can still feel as raw as it if it happened yesterday.

 

It will get better but YOU have to want to make it better. That means keeping busy but especially halting any online stalking you're doing with her social media channels. This is not only a great first step but an important one.

 

As for her not making contact with you during this NC period, not sure what else to say except that it's NC and for a reason. Sometimes when people are together so long and finally break up, the freedom can feel exhilarating if only temporarily particularly if things were rough near the end.

 

You said you "hurt her" which might explain why she's silent. I have no idea what you did and if that was the straw that broke the camel's back but it only seems justified to want distance from someone who hurt them regardless of how long they've been together.

 

Love or hate her, you need to come to terms that it's over for right now and find ways to refocus your energy on more productive things. Again, that takes effort on your part. It doesn't just happen. You have to want it and take the steps to achieve it.

 

Good luck.

 

Thank you for the advice Michelle (ugh, that's my exes name)

 

If I were to compare me to the way I was a month ago i'd say I've made significant progress. I guess now i'm just starting to realize that she may be gone for good. I had to stop looking at her Twitter it was killing me slowly everyday. She would always retweet something about relationships and even write song quotes that were directed towards me. I guess she's finally realizing that I was never good for her. It wasn't getting me anywhere, so I had to stop looking. As a matter of fact, this morning i'm getting that strong urge to look, but if I see something I don't want to see that's only going to set me back a couple of weeks.

 

Things were a little rough towards the end, and then it just got worst. I'm guessing she finally feels free from my insecure and angry ways. Which is why i'm in therapy now, I really want to change my bad habits and ease up on trying to control everything around me. She opened my eyes and made me realize that this behavior isn't healthy in any relationship. I was very hot and cold with her.

 

Sometimes it's difficult to take those necessary steps. Especially when you're surrounded by memories of this person. She works in my area, sometimes I'm scared to go out because I fear I might her car pass by or I might see her with another guy. The other day I went back to the gym for the first time since my break-up and it felt great (I might go today who knows).

 

Although she ended it, I don't know if the NC rules differ when you're the one who forced them to end it, it confuses me a little.

 

Either way, I'm doing my best to stay focused. I need to channel my energy differently is all.

Edited March 26, 2015 by Jonp219

[Rainbowlove]

It sucks when relationships end, doesn't it?

 

One day everyone is just plugging along and things are normal - then the next, an abrupt turn around and it's over.

 

How can someone care so much about you one day and not the next? Right?

 

Simple. They come to realize they care more about themselves in the end than you - if that makes sense.

 

Your ex, like anyone who ends a relationship with someone, realized that their happiness is no longer found in you.

 

Being dumped is a part of life. It's a brutal part of life, but necessary.

 

Here's what you do...

 

You take the lessons you learned in this relationship and you apply them to your next.

 

Your relationship with Michelle was just a stepping stone to something better, Jon.

 

Someday you may be the one doing the dumping and you'll realize that sucks too.

 

Keep moving forward and doing what makes you feel good.

 

This too shall pass.

[Jonp219]

It sucks when relationships end, doesn't it?

 

One day everyone is just plugging along and things are normal - then the next, an abrupt turn around and it's over.

 

How can someone care so much about you one day and not the next? Right?

 

Simple. They come to realize they care more about themselves in the end than you - if that makes sense.

 

Your ex, like anyone who ends a relationship with someone, realized that their happiness is no longer found in you.

 

Being dumped is a part of life. It's a brutal part of life, but necessary.

 

Here's what you do...

 

You take the lessons you learned in this relationship and you apply them to your next.

 

Your relationship with Michelle was just a stepping stone to something better, Jon.

 

Someday you may be the one doing the dumping and you'll realize that sucks too.

 

Keep moving forward and doing what makes you feel good.

 

This too shall pass.

 

Thank you for the words of wisdom Rainbow I suppose you're right...

Although you're right, I still have this underlying guilt for the pain I caused her. I wish I was never that way with her, I wish I could of been more of a man instead of a boy. But that doesn't matter anymore, i'm obviously not important to her anymore.

 

I just don't feel like there's anything better than Michelle out there. She was so calm, chill, loyal, homebody, beautiful, attentive etc. Someone you could just sit in a car with and talk about anything knowing they won't judge you.

 

*sigh*

[Rainbowlove]

I still have this underlying guilt for the pain I caused her. I wish I was never that way with her, I wish I could of been more of a man instead of a boy. But that doesn't matter anymore, i'm obviously not important to her anymore.

 

This is the piece you take into your next relationship. Being who you wished you could have been with her and be that man with the next woman. You can't go back and undo anything. All you can do is learn from what you lost and be better next time. Don't repeat the same patterns.

 

 

I just don't feel like there's anything better than Michelle out there. She was so calm, chill, loyal, homebody, beautiful, attentive etc. Someone you could just sit in a car with and talk about anything knowing they won't judge you.

 

So you know what you are looking for. That's great. You are fixated on all the positives about her, but there had to be some faults as well. What were they? She surely wasn't perfect. No one is...

 

There are other great ladies out there. C'mon now. You're just sitting on the pitty potty when you say these things...

 

In time, you'll find someone...but you have to keep moving forward and stop beating yourself up for not being able to be what she needed from you.

 

It's an ending, but with each ending comes a new beginning.

[Justm3x]

It will get easier .... it just takes time, im a year on from a 7 years relationship, i still have bad days, but i have taken positive steps, but its taken me a year....

[ballycastle]

This is the piece you take into your next relationship. Being who you wished you could have been with her and be that man with the next woman. You can't go back and undo anything. All you can do is learn from what you lost and be better next time. Don't repeat the same patterns.

 

 

 

 

So you know what you are looking for. That's great. You are fixated on all the positives about her, but there had to be some faults as well. What were they? She surely wasn't perfect. No one is...

 

There are other great ladies out there. C'mon now. You're just sitting on the pitty potty when you say these things...

 

In time, you'll find someone...but you have to keep moving forward and stop beating yourself up for not being able to be what she needed from you.

 

It's an ending, but with each ending comes a new beginning.

 

My new beginning is a life with no relationships. Ever. No pitty potty but learning to never rely on another human to make me feel loved.

[Jonp219]

Today I find myself missing her alot for some reason. I just wish she would reach out to me just once, you know? However, these feelings are not as intense as they were 2 weeks ago. Today marks 2 months since me and her broke up. My feelings are nowhere near as intense as they were 2 weeks ago, does that mean i'm getting over her, so quickly? Did I really love her, or was I just attached to a relationship that was already facing issues? These are the questions I've been asking myself lately.

 

I've been venturing on OLD as of late just to see if there are better people out there. Problem with OLD is people are too shallow, the moment they see your profile picture they're already making stuff up in their heads. Which is whatever since I don't consider myself a bad looking guy at all.

 

The fact that my mind as been at ease lately is scaring me quite a bit. How could I go from where I was a few weeks ago to where i'm at right now so quickly? It's weird.

[darkbloom]

It comes and goes. I celebrate the good days and know that the bad days will pass. I feel like it all gets a little easier after 2 months. I'm surprised I haven't heard from him at all. Not even a small baby breadcrumb.

 

I don't want to meet anybody through OLD. I have a hard time connecting with people as it is. I feel your pain.

[Jonp219]

It comes and goes. I celebrate the good days and know that the bad days will pass. I feel like it all gets a little easier after 2 months. I'm surprised I haven't heard from him at all. Not even a small baby breadcrumb.

 

I don't want to meet anybody through OLD. I have a hard time connecting with people as it is. I feel your pain.

 

Yeah it sucks. I guess I just have to keep my mind busy and keep it moving. Also the nightmares/dreams have stopped, I haven't had a dream about her in like 5 days. At the same time, I feel bad so letting go so easily. The mind is a tricky tool.

 

I feel like I have no choice but to use OLD lol. I'm an introvert with extrovert qualities, but for some reason I can't randomly spark up a convo with a girl outside of the internet (even in school smh). It makes me feel some type of way because this where my scarce mentality comes into play. This is where I start to believe that there really was no one else for me besides my ex, and that i'm going to have to settle for less.

 

It scares the hell out of me.

[Nolan 93]

It gets better, I'm four months post break up. I still miss her but I find ways to keep busy, or else I'm bored and just think about her.

 

But yah I remember when I was at that stage man was I mess!!! Now I'm cool and calm. Just realize and accept that it's over.

[Van Norden]

One day I'm more on the mood maybe I'm able to write a guide to deactivate your OLD sites as I did with the one on social media. Seriously, do you guys value yourself so very little when entering one of those sites where all seems to be based on looks? I don't want to show the endless boring "uhhh you're so shallow" rant (I'm a shallow person indeed and I'm not ashamed to recognize publicly that I couldn't date a woman I don't like by her looks), but once we all realize we're just feeding the thirsty man revolution when cowardly chit-chatting behind the screen and inflating women egos with so little response, maybe that one day things will be as they used to be. One can only dream...

 

C'mon, deactivate it. Don't look for it. Hang out with friends, build some self-confidence for your sake and your sake only. Do not depend on women. Maybe then you'll attract what you're looking for.

 

Same goes for me, unfortunately.

[Jonp219]

One day I'm more on the mood maybe I'm able to write a guide to deactivate your OLD sites as I did with the one on social media. Seriously, do you guys value yourself so very little when entering one of those sites where all seems to be based on looks? I don't want to show the endless boring "uhhh you're so shallow" rant (I'm a shallow person indeed and I'm not ashamed to recognize publicly that I couldn't date a woman I don't like by her looks), but once we all realize we're just feeding the thirsty man revolution when cowardly chit-chatting behind the screen and inflating women egos with so little response, maybe that one day things will be as they used to be. One can only dream...

 

C'mon, deactivate it. Don't look for it. Hang out with friends, build some self-confidence for your sake and your sake only. Do not depend on women. Maybe then you'll attract what you're looking for.

 

Same goes for me, unfortunately.

 

That's so hard, but I see where you're coming from.

 

I'm just scared that one day i'm going to find out she's with someone else and I just want to beat her to the punch. It's really selfish, but guarding my ego is very important to me, especially now. I'm not only depending on OLD sites, i'm doing alot of other things also to keep myself busy.

 

And it's not shallow to date someone that you're attracted to, it's only shallow if you date them SOLELY on their looks. I can't possibly imagine dating someone I thought was unattractive, hell no.

[Van Norden]

That's so hard, but I see where you're coming from.

 

I'm just scared that one day i'm going to find out she's with someone else and I just want to beat her to the punch. It's really selfish, but guarding my ego is very important to me, especially now. I'm not only depending on OLD sites, i'm doing alot of other things also to keep myself busy.

 

And it's not shallow to date someone that you're attracted to, it's only shallow if you date them SOLELY on their looks. I can't possibly imagine dating someone I thought was unattractive, hell no.

Know what? I'm exactly there, dude. I DREAD that day. Luckily, she's a very discreet person. But still, there is nothing that terrifies me more than the slightest idea of getting to know she's even making out with another dude. I'd rather get diagnosed cancer, given the poor importance I place to my miserable life.

 

Cool for you to keep yourself busy. But I think those OLD sites are more counterproductive in the end. Been there, done that. I want to beat her to the punch as well, and I want it so badly. But after two weeks of sending private messages to women that also had obscure and weird-ass interests like Serbian cinema or contemporary art, profiles full of "I'm interested only in a good talk, fed up of looks", "I just want to meet new friends" and watching them read without responding got me so frustrated I abandoned the idea of getting into another OLD site again. I'd rather stay with Meetup groups and let further feelings grow among people who ideally just want to spend some time together doing things in common. Still I have to find a group that does such things in a timeline I can attend, though.

[Jonp219]

Know what? I'm exactly there, dude. I DREAD that day. Luckily, she's a very discreet person. But still, there is nothing that terrifies me more than the slightest idea of getting to know she's even making out with another dude. I'd rather get diagnosed cancer, given the poor importance I place to my miserable life.

 

Cool for you to keep yourself busy. But I think those OLD sites are more counterproductive in the end. Been there, done that. I want to beat her to the punch as well, and I want it so badly. But after two weeks of sending private messages to women that also had obscure and weird-ass interests like Serbian cinema or contemporary art, profiles full of "I'm interested only in a good talk, fed up of looks", "I just want to meet new friends" and watching them read without responding got me so frustrated I abandoned the idea of getting into another OLD site again. I'd rather stay with Meetup groups and let further feelings grow among people who ideally just want to spend some time together doing things in common. Still I have to find a group that does such things in a timeline I can attend, though.

 

Although we're too stubborn to understand this wonderful part of NC we must continue to do it. I think in a few months or maybe in a year, if we maintain NC properly, we'll be able to accept anything that our exes are doing during that time in their lives, whether their in a new relationship or not. Our wounds are still fresh despite months passing, but this is our chance to grow into stronger versions of ourselves.

 

I've come to understand something, that if we're still hurt about our break-ups then that means we haven't done much growing since then. The more we grow the further we move away from the pain. It is so easy to say, but we truly have a difficult task at hand here lol. We have a better chance of getting our exes back if we except this challenge as opposed to not doing it. Although that's NOT the goal here, the facts are our exes are NOT in love with this version of us anymore. Which is a clear indicator that we need to grow into better men. We honestly don't know what the future holds.

 

I will heed your advice and steer away from the OLD sites. I just deleted two of my profiles permanently as I type this message. That **** was a waste of time, I guess I needed a confidence boost lol. There's a site where you can look for meet up groups in your area. I should take a look at that, maybe you can too lol.