I feel so bitter...

[DannyCA]

I'm not going to lie, this morning i'm feeling it quite a bit for some reason Although it's only been two months this **** feel likes an eternity. I can't wait to see where i'm going to be in the middle of the summer, hopefully better than this lol

 

Sucks, but it always does feel like an eternity that early on. You better not be checking her twitter or whatever

[Jonp219]

Sucks, but it always does feel like an eternity that early on. You better not be checking her twitter or whatever

 

Nah man, i'm remaining strict NC from now on, despite the urges I get to check from time to time. Its completely counter-intuitive towards my recovery to continue checking her page, especially when I can't sway her decision on leaving me in the first place lol. I'm just going to stop being a masochist and putting myself through unnecessary pain. She'll do her, i'll do me.

[Jonp219]

I'm ****ing drunk as hell right about now. I don't give a **** what happens to me when I'm like this lol. I think that's the best part.

 

Earlier today I was downtown by myself sitting in a coffee shop just self-reflecting. Writing down poems in my notepad and for some reason I felt scared, hurt, and lonely. I normally don't hang out by myself, but I just started thinking about her and it made me feel sad, almost as sad as I am right now. The fact that she might spend her life with someone else and not me makes me want to break down and cry on the inside. Like the regret just doesn't leave, I can't forgive myself for pushing her away. I simply have no hope for any future relationships. Like yeah, I'm going to have some short ones here and there, but I don't want that. I don't want to waste my time with flames and flings. I'm better off ****ing a hooker or having a friends with benefits.

Edited April 10, 2015 by Jonp219

[Jonp219]

I can't find anyway to forgive myself for messing it all up. I wanted her to be the future mother of my child. How can one forgive themselves? I feel like a once in a lifetime opportunity walked out on me 2 months ago, because of my lack of control and poor sense of self.

[dvx]

I'm ****ing drunk as hell right about now. I don't give a **** what happens to me when I'm like this lol. I think that's the best part.

 

Earlier today I was downtown by myself sitting in a coffee shop just self-reflecting. Writing down poems in my notepad and for some reason I felt scared, hurt, and lonely. I normally don't hang out by myself, but I just started thinking about her and it made me feel sad, almost as sad as I am right now. The fact that she might spend her life with someone else and not me makes me want to break down and cry on the inside. Like the regret just doesn't leave, I can't forgive myself for pushing her away. I simply have no hope for any future relationships. Like yeah, I'm going to have some short ones here and there, but I don't want that. I don't want to waste my time with flames and flings. I'm better off ****ing a hooker or having a friends with benefits.

 

Dude you're residing in the capital of the world , NYC with 9 million people. Be glad for that. Your odds are great. The country I'm in barely has 9 million people in total. Want to trade places?

[Jonp219]

Dude you're residing in the capital of the world , NYC with 9 million people. Be glad for that. Your odds are great. The country I'm in barely has 9 million people in total. Want to trade places?

 

Ugh my city repulses me at times lol. There are too many rich people, not enough commoners, and forget about living expenses. Wish me luck in finding someone who I can measure up to here in this God forsaken place lol.

[dvx]

Ugh my city repulses me at times lol. There are too many rich people, not enough commoners, and forget about living expenses. Wish me luck in finding someone who I can measure up to here in this God forsaken place lol.

 

Start getting rich then. Stop feeling worthless and start and change your negative mentality. Find someone that can measure up to you and your potential, not the other way around. You got a good heart like me and that's rare to find, money ain't everything.

[Jonp219]

Start getting rich then. Stop feeling worthless and start and change your negative mentality. Find someone that can measure up to you and your potential, not the other way around. You got a good heart like me and that's rare to find, money ain't everything.

 

I'm doing the best I can :/

But these thoughts just come at me in bunches.

 

I've been doing some self reflecting today at work (since it's a quiet day, why not? Lol)

It feels like I have a rock in my heart right about now.

I'm guessing this strong sense of resistance will serve as my benchmark to see how well I'm coming along in the recovery process (does that make sense?).

Anyway this feeling shows I have a long way to go but I will continue to journey within myself. I can't lie it's scary as hell to me, but I have to do it.

[NopeNah]

I'm doing the best I can :/

But these thoughts just come at me in bunches.

 

I've been doing some self reflecting today at work (since it's a quiet day, why not? Lol)

It feels like I have a rock in my heart right about now.

I'm guessing this strong sense of resistance will serve as my benchmark to see how well I'm coming along in the recovery process (does that make sense?).

Anyway this feeling shows I have a long way to go but I will continue to journey within myself. I can't lie it's scary as hell to me, but I have to do it.

 

Just live your life day to day and plan for your future..The pain subsides,trust me.

[SheleftmeforMichael]

Jonp219, you have to come to the acceptance that the relationship is over and no matter what you say...no matter what you do...it's not gonna bring her back unless she wants to come back. And more often times when we plead, we end up just pushing our former lover away.

 

Trust me on this when I say that as myself and allot of us on this forum have experienced that. My ex, Jenn, broke up with me a week before Christmas and it destroyed me and she moved on to another man within a week (or during, to this day i'm not sure when her relationship really began with that other guy). Emotionally...I was crushed. I was not used to being "alone" again. And it took me awhile to be able to be in the right frame of mind where I could start to rebuild again. With time you will heal too, but you have to want to get better otherwise you'll stay stuck in the guilt and sadness.

 

I'm not 100% over my ex, but i've come to the acceptance that she's not coming back and even if she did come back, i'm in no way shape or form ready to renew a relationship with her now. We (you and I) need to improve ourselves and become stronger and live our lives and be okay with being alone. There is strength to be learned from this.

 

Get and keep busy with your life. Hang out with friends and family. Go to meetup.com and find interesting social events and groups that interest you and that you can be a apart. You said you lived in NYC? Start jogging/running around the city. You said you write poetry? Find an open mic/spoken word and attend, listen and perform some of your work. Exercise your body and your feelings. Don't focus on why things went wrong between your ex or what she is doing right now or if she'll ever come back. It will drive you mad as it did to me. Right now, take this time to get yourself out of this rut...and the only person who can get you out of it first is gonna be YOU. Everyone is will be able to support you, but you gotta commit to getting out of it.

 

Accept and be okay with what happened (this may take some time depending on the kind of person you are - it took me 3 months) and start to rebuild your life again and get out there.

 

Joe Rogan said it best:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=akBzAlKrEdY

[Jonp219]

Jonp219, you have to come to the acceptance that the relationship is over and no matter what you say...no matter what you do...it's not gonna bring her back unless she wants to come back. And more often times when we plead, we end up just pushing our former lover away.

 

Trust me on this when I say that as myself and allot of us on this forum have experienced that. My ex, Jenn, broke up with me a week before Christmas and it destroyed me and she moved on to another man within a week (or during, to this day i'm not sure when her relationship really began with that other guy). Emotionally...I was crushed. I was not used to being "alone" again. And it took me awhile to be able to be in the right frame of mind where I could start to rebuild again. With time you will heal too, but you have to want to get better otherwise you'll stay stuck in the guilt and sadness.

 

I'm not 100% over my ex, but i've come to the acceptance that she's not coming back and even if she did come back, i'm in no way shape or form ready to renew a relationship with her now. We (you and I) need to improve ourselves and become stronger and live our lives and be okay with being alone. There is strength to be learned from this.

 

Get and keep busy with your life. Hang out with friends and family. Go to meetup.com and find interesting social events and groups that interest you and that you can be a apart. You said you lived in NYC? Start jogging/running around the city. You said you write poetry? Find an open mic/spoken word and attend, listen and perform some of your work. Exercise your body and your feelings. Don't focus on why things went wrong between your ex or what she is doing right now or if she'll ever come back. It will drive you mad as it did to me. Right now, take this time to get yourself out of this rut...and the only person who can get you out of it first is gonna be YOU. Everyone is will be able to support you, but you gotta commit to getting out of it.

 

Accept and be okay with what happened (this may take some time depending on the kind of person you are - it took me 3 months) and start to rebuild your life again and get out there.

 

Joe Rogan said it best:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=akBzAlKrEdY

 

Thanks man.

 

I try not to think about it, but it eats away at me sometimes lol. Like right now I just got this overwhelming sadness out of nowhere. But I'm keeping myself busy by working on an essay for school, so I'll be fine. Lately, I've been reading a lot of self help books to help me tap into my true deeper self.

 

One of the biggest parts of recovering is learning to forgive yourself, I've struggled with that my whole life, but I'm learning to do it now. I'm trying not to be so hard on myself, my soul is still very frail.

[Jonp219]

Just cried my eyes out at work...again.

I feel a little better now, but it's getting annoying.

Edited April 12, 2015 by Jonp219

[Jonp219]

This might sound like a ridiculous statement, but I think I fear being with someone who as a healthy self-esteem. I feel people with a healthy dose of self-confidence find it easier to leave relationships whenever they want, rather than fight for them. They're more open to the world around them and wouldn't hesitate to leave you if someone better comes along. People with moderate/low self-esteem seem to want to put up a bigger fight for what's in front of them, and tend to "stick it out" more. I eventually want to get married and start a family someday, but hell I might not even get a chance to do that. This might sound like bitter hogwash, but I find it to be true. I remember when I was in a LDR with my ex-ex and she and I were "supposedly" in love. We had faith in the relationship since she was planning to move to my city. But then she found out she wasn't so she told me, "I think it's better to just be friends", really friends? lol. Oh and she got engaged to a Marine who she only sees every 6 months, but that's none of my business lol.

 

I'm not angry about that (anymore) but it just shows these people have an easier time checking out. Just like my previous ex, I'm sure she's became more confident at her new job, getting to do what she always wanted to do and meeting new friends.

 

I rather have a wounded animal then these "happy go lucky" fools who seem to deem me as disposable and use me as their beta crutch while the alphas arrive.

 

Sorry for the rant, but seriously **** relationships and **** every future prospect that supposedly wants to "be with me".

 

I'm completely beside myself. Today has been PAINFULLY hard on me and I didn't break NC. :'(

 

Nor will I even think about doing it.

Edited April 12, 2015 by Jonp219

[devilish innocent]

The problem with somebody who is only sticking with you due to low self-esteem is that it can always change. They could always meet somebody who will sweep them off their feet. In fact, if they have low self-esteem, they are probably more susceptible to sweet-talk. Somebody else can come along, tell them how great they are, and then they would be gone.

 

You really need somebody who appreciates you and is ready to make an actual commitment. A lot of people think they're ready to make that commitment when they're not. It can be a lonely road. It does help you appreciate it more when you find the right person. I hope things get better for you.

[Jonp219]

The problem with somebody who is only sticking with you due to low self-esteem is that it can always change. They could always meet somebody who will sweep them off their feet. In fact, if they have low self-esteem, they are probably more susceptible to sweet-talk. Somebody else can come along, tell them how great they are, and then they would be gone.

 

You really need somebody who appreciates you and is ready to make an actual commitment. A lot of people think they're ready to make that commitment when they're not. It can be a lonely road. It does help you appreciate it more when you find the right person. I hope things get better for you.

 

Thanks man.

 

I don't know, maybe I am useless. Maybe I didn't deserve any of them. They didn't do me dirty, they just left because I wasn't making them happy anymore. I guess I'm not capable of making others happy including myself.

 

Today is just one of those days you wish you didn't have to deal with your own company.

Edited April 12, 2015 by Jonp219

[fireflywy]

Disagree. Someone who is strong and confident, will be able to show you emotions when they care, understand when you fall (empathy), and communicate with you effectively (as long as they aren't arrogant, self-absorbed, cold, etc). Its what is known as a secure attachment style and should be what we seek.

 

Also, I find, when you are with someone with this secure attachment style, you also begin to adopt these same qualities as long as you are making a good effort to understand yourself and are eager to learn from your past.

 

Wounded animals are MUCH more likely to run away, attack, or charge out of fear.

 

Oh, and Jon, you are making a lot of progress and are much more introspective and are applying yourself to understanding things and getting back on track then you were when you first came on here. This will, in itself, shows that you aren't useless.

 

That's what I notice anyway.

[DannyCA]

Disagree. Someone who is strong and confident, will be able to show you emotions when they care, understand when you fall (empathy), and communicate with you effectively (as long as they aren't arrogant, self-absorbed, cold, etc). Its what is known as a secure attachment style and should be what we seek.

 

Also, I find, when you are with someone with this secure attachment style, you also begin to adopt these same qualities as long as you are making a good effort to understand yourself and are eager to learn from your past.

 

Wounded animals are MUCH more likely to run away, attack, or charge out of fear.

 

Oh, and Jon, you are making a lot of progress and are much more introspective and are applying yourself to understanding things and getting back on track then you were when you first came on here. This will, in itself, shows that you aren't useless.

 

That's what I notice anyway.

 

The problem with somebody who is only sticking with you due to low self-esteem is that it can always change. They could always meet somebody who will sweep them off their feet. In fact, if they have low self-esteem, they are probably more susceptible to sweet-talk. Somebody else can come along, tell them how great they are, and then they would be gone.

 

You really need somebody who appreciates you and is ready to make an actual commitment. A lot of people think they're ready to make that commitment when they're not. It can be a lonely road. It does help you appreciate it more when you find the right person. I hope things get better for you.

 

I would listen to devilish innocent and fireflywy. You don't want to be with someone who is a wounded animal because they will only serve as a temporary distraction (and they will stay temporary if you're lucky). They are a waste of time, which you sound like you don't want to waste your time. Wounded animals are not meant to settle down with because they are not secure with themselves at the moment and once they are, they'll probably leave. If they stay, things probably won't go as you wish and you would have ended up wasting so much time.

 

You sound like a pretty awesome dude. You deserve a great woman who won't give up on you when times get rough. I think you know that, but since the BU is recent, it's clouding your judgement a little. I get you feel like you pushed your ex away, but it takes two people to contribute to the end even if only one person said "I want to breakup". No matter what you feel you did to contribute to the BU, you have to acknowledge that she ended it. She decided to give up. If she could give up just like that after all that time, is she really worth all the pain you're going through right now?

 

You are making great progress man. Keep it up no matter how sh**** things get

[Jonp219]

Last night I think I had the most vivid dream with me and my ex. It felt so real, I felt like I actually felt her when I reached out to touch her shoulder. I thought I was done with this phase of the grieving process, I haven't had a dream like that in over a month. I woke up crying like a little bitch, I feel like my mind works against me every chance it gets. God, I don't understand why I miss her so much.

Edited April 14, 2015 by Jonp219

[Throldur]

Last night I think I had the most vivid dream with me and my ex. It felt so real, I felt like I actually felt her when I reached out to touch her shoulder. I thought I was done with this phase of the grieving process, I haven't had a dream like that in over a month. I woke up crying like a little bitch, I feel like my mind works against me every chance it gets. God, I don't understand why I miss her so much.

 

Still happens to me, man. It's just a side effect.

 

I dream of us arguing over why she left.. then I dream of us being intimate. Each time it's so vivid that I wake up in a sweat.

[Jonp219]

Still happens to me, man. It's just a side effect.

 

I dream of us arguing over why she left.. then I dream of us being intimate. Each time it's so vivid that I wake up in a sweat.

 

I hate it so much. It makes me feel like I'll never get through this man. These fond memories I keep having makes it 10x harder. One can't simply get over a break-up if the other person did no wrong. Hating her for ending it sounds dumb to me, but it's what I have to keep telling myself.

[Jonp219]

I'm starting to get those feelings of regret and "What ifs" again. It usually happens when I'm at work mostly because I think a lot since there isn't much to do. Plus, it's such a beautiful day outside and I'm stuck in this building doing a double. The warm weather just reminds me of my ex so much, the summer is going to feel much worst. I'm just so sad right now, I can't help it.

[Throldur]

I'm starting to get those feelings of regret and "What ifs" again. It usually happens when I'm at work mostly because I think a lot since there isn't much to do. Plus, it's such a beautiful day outside and I'm stuck in this building doing a double. The warm weather just reminds me of my ex so much, the summer is going to feel much worst. I'm just so sad right now, I can't help it.

 

I just wanna share with you a poem by Rudy Francisco which I feel always represents my feelings so well,

 

"You are a sentence with no punctuation,

a kaleidoscope full of colours that I don't remember learning in elementary school,

Your voice is a sound that I've been looking for my entire life,

your smile is the only sunrise worth setting my alarm clock early enough to see,

If I could I would shapeshift into the first thing you think about in the morning just so I can be reminded of what it's like to wake up next to you.

 

I love you in a language I don't fully understand,

In words that I haven't found enough courage to forklift out of my chest,

I hear that Karma is vengeful and also a light sleeper, so I've chosen to love you like this,

Quietly, so I will call your phone and hang up before it actually rings

I will write you letters that you will never read,

And when I see you in public

I will stick my hand inside of a bag full of things I haven't done since you left me and pull out a smile,

I'll say something like,

"Hello, it's nice to see you"

and I'll keep walking.

 

All we can do man is love them quietly. All we can do is persist. Try to become the best versions of ourselves where we are right now. If they are meant to come back to us, they will, if they don't, we can't be in a position where it matters anymore.

 

Remember, when has all the best things in your life happened? When you no longer expected them to. When you let go and let things happen. That's when I met my girlfriend. That's when my exes messaged me again. All we can do is love quietly.. move on.. and know that if it is meant to be they will appear when we are not looking for them to anymore.

 

We must banish their name from our lips. Their memories from our minds. We must exile these girls back into the Universe and hope for it to take care of them. Hopefully they will return when they and we are capable of doing right by them.

[Jonp219]

I just wanna share with you a poem by Rudy Francisco which I feel always represents my feelings so well,

 

"You are a sentence with no punctuation,

a kaleidoscope full of colours that I don't remember learning in elementary school,

Your voice is a sound that I've been looking for my entire life,

your smile is the only sunrise worth setting my alarm clock early enough to see,

If I could I would shapeshift into the first thing you think about in the morning just so I can be reminded of what it's like to wake up next to you.

 

I love you in a language I don't fully understand,

In words that I haven't found enough courage to forklift out of my chest,

I hear that Karma is vengeful and also a light sleeper, so I've chosen to love you like this,

Quietly, so I will call your phone and hang up before it actually rings

I will write you letters that you will never read,

And when I see you in public

I will stick my hand inside of a bag full of things I haven't done since you left me and pull out a smile,

I'll say something like,

"Hello, it's nice to see you"

and I'll keep walking.

 

All we can do man is love them quietly. All we can do is persist. Try to become the best versions of ourselves where we are right now. If they are meant to come back to us, they will, if they don't, we can't be in a position where it matters anymore.

 

Remember, when has all the best things in your life happened? When you no longer expected them to. When you let go and let things happen. That's when I met my girlfriend. That's when my exes messaged me again. All we can do is love quietly.. move on.. and know that if it is meant to be they will appear when we are not looking for them to anymore.

 

We must banish their name from our lips. Their memories from our minds. We must exile these girls back into the Universe and hope for it to take care of them. Hopefully they will return when they and we are capable of doing right by them.

 

Thank you, this is a really nice poem, I enjoyed reading it. And you're absolutely right, all we can do now is persist, and make the best of it. At the end of it all we will thank ourselves for taking the time to work out our wrong whether we end up with them or not.

 

It's so hard to banish her name from my lips. I just dozed off at work for a few minutes and I daydreamed about the time we met and our first dates. I've changed so much, she changed a lot too (for the better). It's so difficult when you have those flashbacks to when life was much simpler, I miss her everyday. Although, I'm NC sometimes it feels like I'm not because she still takes up a lot of space in my mind.

[Throldur]

Thank you, this is a really nice poem, I enjoyed reading it. And you're absolutely right, all we can do now is persist, and make the best of it. At the end of it all we will thank ourselves for taking the time to work out our wrong whether we end up with them or not.

 

It's so hard to banish her name from my lips. I just dozed off at work for a few minutes and I daydreamed about the time we met and our first dates. I've changed so much, she changed a lot too (for the better). It's so difficult when you have those flashbacks to when life was much simpler, I miss her everyday. Although, I'm NC sometimes it feels like I'm not because she still takes up a lot of space in my mind.

 

It just means you loved her, man. Just like I loved my girl. I'm caught in my memories. I go down memory lane a million times. I gave her the birthday card she wrote me hoping she would remember the promises she made in it.. "I will never leave you high and dry. If I could go back to the first day I met you a thousand times, I would." Where did that girl go?

 

I went to a psychic in February a few weeks after my break-up and I'm skeptical about that **** but two of them gave me the same reading, almost spot on the same thing. The second one was better, more in depth, she told me that my girlfriend was lost in her head, that I could only take her so far before she had to fix herself, that she would hit rock bottom and it wouldn't be long, that things she learned from me will be the ladder she uses to get out of her dark pit, she'll thank me for it but it will be too late and I will be moved on with someone else. She also told me that, that someone else could actually be her, it depends, if we are meant to be, then we will be, but for now, just have to let things go and to move on. This is a status she shared today and I think it would help you, too.

 

"How many times have you felt like you were banging your head against a wall? Why hang onto to something when you know, deep down, it's just not going to happen? Did you ever stop to think that maybe it's time to let it go and move forward?

Everyone has heard, and said, "when one door closes another opens"? Even a window......thus "the window of opportunity".

If you are dealing with a situation that has become an obsession, or if you just can't understand why it "won't work"...close the door. Yes, it may be difficult but you can do it! Ask you Guides and Angels to give you the strength and understanding it will take to close the door and walk forward with a smile on your face and loving yourself, knowing you did the best you could.

Will the door remain closed forever? Who knows. It may not but, when or if it reopens, it will be a brand new door with new hardware............ the answers and the assistance you need will come to you the moment that "old, new" door opens."

[Jonp219]

It just means you loved her, man. Just like I loved my girl. I'm caught in my memories. I go down memory lane a million times. I gave her the birthday card she wrote me hoping she would remember the promises she made in it.. "I will never leave you high and dry. If I could go back to the first day I met you a thousand times, I would." Where did that girl go?

 

I went to a psychic in February a few weeks after my break-up and I'm skeptical about that **** but two of them gave me the same reading, almost spot on the same thing. The second one was better, more in depth, she told me that my girlfriend was lost in her head, that I could only take her so far before she had to fix herself, that she would hit rock bottom and it wouldn't be long, that things she learned from me will be the ladder she uses to get out of her dark pit, she'll thank me for it but it will be too late and I will be moved on with someone else. She also told me that, that someone else could actually be her, it depends, if we are meant to be, then we will be, but for now, just have to let things go and to move on. This is a status she shared today and I think it would help you, too.

 

"How many times have you felt like you were banging your head against a wall? Why hang onto to something when you know, deep down, it's just not going to happen? Did you ever stop to think that maybe it's time to let it go and move forward?

Everyone has heard, and said, "when one door closes another opens"? Even a window......thus "the window of opportunity".

If you are dealing with a situation that has become an obsession, or if you just can't understand why it "won't work"...close the door. Yes, it may be difficult but you can do it! Ask you Guides and Angels to give you the strength and understanding it will take to close the door and walk forward with a smile on your face and loving yourself, knowing you did the best you could.

Will the door remain closed forever? Who knows. It may not but, when or if it reopens, it will be a brand new door with new hardware............ the answers and the assistance you need will come to you the moment that "old, new" door opens."

 

That status gives me comfort lol. It's absolutely true, when one door closes another one opens, and there's no guarantee that door will be closed off forever. Not to mention, what if there's someone out there even better than our exes? Early on in my break-up I completely shunned the idea of another woman possessing more extravagant qualities than my ex. But now, 2 and a half months in, I'm beginning to get curious.

 

I'm beginning to see that our relationship wasn't perfect and that maybe this break-up was for the best. I loved her, but I can't deny the fact that our love was very--young. I was her first boyfriend and she was my first true relationship, before that I had a long-distance relationship--that ended twice.

 

Although this ordeal has been hard on me (and you too), I do have these moments when I feel like this whole thing has made me stronger. Of course I get the flashbacks, the fond memories, the dream etc. But I feel like I'm more in control of who I am as a person, something I never felt with her because I was just too codependent, and too much of an *******.