Reckoning

[Grapesofwrath]

He told me his SIL (BW's sister) is having an affair and it has been going on for a couple years. He knows about it, but BW doesn't. The SIL confides in him and he agrees to hold her confidences. She likes to smoke marijuana, as does MM, and BW doesn't approve of that, so they have a little pact of keeping things from her. In any case, SIL's husband is vaguely aware of his wife's infidelity (she often stays elsewhere at night) and he does nothing about it. MM describes him as a "cuckold." And does so with a sneer and obvious loss of respect.

 

I needed to get that off my chest. Thanks for reading it.

[imtooconfused]

Just to throw out a bunch of acronyms... The OP's OM is probably the one having an A with the SIL (BW's sister). That's why he knows so much about it.

[Grapesofwrath]

Just to throw out a bunch of acronyms... The OP's OM is probably the one having an A with the SIL (BW's sister). That's why he knows so much about it.

 

Don't think it hasn't crossed my mind.

[gettingstronger]

Our OW did this- except it was during not after the affair- I was glad that I found out- I think everyone is entitled to their truth, but then she just would not go away- its been over 2 years and she still intrudes- so, if you are going to expose make sure you are in a position to walk away clean-

 

I do not think our OW was in that place, I think she wanted me to kick my husband out and when it did not go as she planned she inched a little closer and then a little closer until she became- yes, the dreaded bunny boiler-(what else do you call a woman that sent me every text and email she had, pictures, under ware, her favorite lotion)so.... be careful- post here and vent instead of revenge- you will regret becoming that person I think-

[the_artist_1970]

As part of today's ongoing NC odyssey, I am indulging in revenge fantasies. Primarily consisting of 'outing' him to his BW and watching his perfect life blow up in his face. Ultimately, it's not something I would do, and I fully recognize that I am much better off just walking away without that cataclysm. Just giving myself permission to fantasize about it.

 

Has anyone out there done it? Would you be willing to share the story?

 

I don't think it's wrong of you to do that. He is leading ppl on and stepping on women's hearts. IMHO, I think that he should be outed. As a matter of fact, it would benefit you and his W, and she will know what a bad boy her H is being.

[the_artist_1970]

Just to throw out a bunch of acronyms... The OP's OM is probably the one having an A with the SIL (BW's sister). That's why he knows so much about it.

 

Exactly! No one in their right mind wouldn't think otherwise.

[Lunay]

I hate to be this person but - if i were being cheated on I'd want to know. I would want to know what my dirty scum husband was up to. I would want the choice.

I have been the OW, I know the hurt that was caused to the BW. My situation was different but even if I had no idea in the beginning, I know how many nights she stayed awake sobbing.

 

Maybe his BW is aware, but making it reality is a whole other ball game. I don't blame you at all for not wanting to tell... But wouldn't you want to know? What are your reasons for not spilling the beans? He is a serial cheater with no remorse... He out of all people deserves it.

[Grapesofwrath]

Interesting question, Lunay: My reasons are primarily due to not wanting to make this situation worse than it already is for myself, my family, his wife, or his kids. If I get hurt in the process of this R, that's my problem. I made the choice to start it, and I rolled the dice. I don't feel it's right to then take my hurt and visit it on others.

 

I agree she probably knows, on some level, and prefers to maintain the situation as is. I don't blame her. They are very comfortable, financially, she is a SAHM (has never worked outside the home, as far as I know) and they are raising 3 children who appear to be given every advantage. Knowing the history (and this is just the history I know about) she has been getting duped for decades, and probably decided long ago to turn the other cheek. I don't see the need to challenge that choice for her.

 

Having said that, if I were being cheated on, I would want to know, too. I was being cheated on, and I did want to know. So I figured it out and I took action. But he was not my husband. I was not financially dependent on him. I did not have to move, involve lawyers, or decide on custody arrangements in order to end that R. In her case, all of the above are true.

[casey.lives]

philandering isn't who he is, it's simply something he does. excuse you????

you are a total sum of what you say .. what you do... and what you desire.

Only a philanderer philanders!@!!!!!

[casey.lives]

you are the one on the losing end. what his situation means should take a back seat to what this means for you and your dreams.. i mean some people don't mind supporting themselves and raising a child alone without the fathers name and not being a part of the immediate family... this fits perfectly for someone with intimacy issues of their own. if it works... im not judging. but if it doesn't... it's your call

[imtooconfused]

you are the one on the losing end. what his situation means should take a back seat to what this means for you and your dreams..

 

If you really want to get back at him, I mean really make him cry? Move on, leave him behind, eject him from your life. This whole thread is about him, and that means he is winning, still. Even if you 'out' him, he wins, because he knows you care enough to give up a fight for him. Turn that around and walk away.

 

EDIT: Narcissists thrive on attention. Give them attention and they grow stronger. Starve them of attention and they wither.

Edited April 13, 2015 by imtooconfused

[Grapesofwrath]

If you really want to get back at him, I mean really make him cry? Move on, leave him behind, eject him from your life. This whole thread is about him, and that means he is winning, still. Even if you 'out' him, he wins, because he knows you care enough to give up a fight for him. Turn that around and walk away.

 

EDIT: Narcissists thrive on attention. Give them attention and they grow stronger. Starve them of attention and they wither.

 

Thanks, Confused. I think you're right about this. I was thinking along these lines yesterday. Fighting over him like that would be the ultimate way to feed his narcissism. And the history that I now know indicates that he gets off on being fought over like that. I'm not willing to participate in that game. So I'm going to take my ball and go home.

 

He reached out to me via text last night and this morning. I also got a text this morning from a nice man in my neighborhood that I have seen occasionally, socially. That text made me so happy. Guess which one I returned?

[gettingstronger]

I also got a text this morning from a nice man in my neighborhood that I have seen occasionally, socially. That text made me so happy. Guess which one I returned?

 

 

Let THAT be your revenge fantasy- as they say- living well is the best revenge-

[Grapesofwrath]

Thank you, everyone, for the supportive responses and for not judging me. Today, I am over the revenge fantasies in terms of outing him. It just prolongs the involvement with him and the whole situation. I appreciate the forum, though. It helps enormously to be able to get those thoughts out.

[lookingforclosure]

Grapes- My therapist says living happy will be the best revenge as well

She has told me that I have the opportunity to meet someone and have a healthy, loving relationship with them...while he on the other hand has deeper things he needs to face before he can. Narcissists do feed on the attention, the more you give the less they give you...and from what my therapist says that's exactly what I was dealing with...a narcissist. Funny, xMM said his wife told him once he was nothing but a huge narcissistic fool who deserved to be with no one. She may have hit the nail on the head. Because as soon as she took her control back and could show she could support her and their child, he spiraled out of control.

 

My revenge will be the day I actually do run into him...looking and feeling great. And he will have the egg on his face and by that time I won't care.

[Grapesofwrath]

Last night the MM was in town, and my kids were with me so we didn't see each other. He went out after work with a co-worker (that I also know) then went out after that with a "friend." Later that night we were talking on the phone, and he was telling me about going out with this friend, who he is, etc. I've heard of him before, but something about this overly detailed explanation of where he was and with whom made my gut say, "he's lying." I felt this twinge of jealousy at the possibility that he could have been picking up other women and quickly saw the irony in that. This must be what his BW feels all the time.

 

Whether he was lying is not the point. The points, as I see it now, are these:

 

1) Based on my experience with him, I don't trust or believe him when he tells me what he's been doing. Don't know how I ever could.

 

2) He was drinking and using drugs last night. BW disapproves of all drug use strongly, so part of his "cheating" is using behind her back. So he drinks, uses drugs, and has relationships with other women behind her back. But he "loves" her. My role in his life is part of a rebellion against her, like a child.

[stillafool]

What happened to NC?

[the_artist_1970]

Do you think it is healthy for you to talk to him? It just doesn't seem like it is benefiting you to listen to his dysfunctional life. He doesn't deserve even your listening ear IMHO.

[Grapesofwrath]

What happened to NC?

 

Stillafool: I broke it. Or more accurately, I let him break it. I underestimated how tough it is to keep it going, day after day. Believe me, I'm embarassed to admit it. And I'm ready to try it again. Starting today.

 

Artist: I see your point. I do, somehow, think it helps me to hear all this garbage because it just reinforces who he really is. Every time I listen to this stuff, it nails it into my head even more deeply that he is not the "great guy" that he shows to the world and that I need to get away.

 

I accepted a date with someone else for this weekend. I've been out with him a couple times, and he treats me very well.

[Grapesofwrath]

I haven't been visiting his site much, since going on a MM bender lately.

 

The summer schedules have allowed us to spend a lot more time together, but this will soon end. His niece is moving into his family's house in the city so she can attend university. He will no longer be able to spend the night with me, as he has always done. She starts living there in August, so that will be the end. I told him I won't be downgraded to trysts and quickies after what we've created, and her presence in the house will dramatically increase the chances of him getting caught.

 

For the past couple weeks we've been dealing with the impending conclusion by taking every opportunity to see each other. He's stayed in the city almost every night each week. It's like he lives here. We've gotten into a nice little rhythm and it feels like having a boyfriend, which has always been the way we've worked. He is more loving, generous, affectionate, and attentive than ever. I have no idea how he gets away with this. He's gotten to taking care of me in such a lovely way, and i know it won't/can't last.

 

At times, I think it will hurt to not spend this kind of time together anymore. But more often I think it's a gift from the universe that this is happening because it will force me to end this pointless relationship. We can't build anything together. Can't grow or expand our relationship. He can't give me what I want or deserve. His admitting that doesn't make it any less true.

 

So here's what I need from the LS community: I need to be reminded of all the reasons why I should get away from this man. Remind me that he is a cake-eater. That I should be angry with him for behaving this way. That I should not envy his wife because she is married to a lying cheater who gets in over his head, emotionally and sexually, and shows no remorse. It will help me get over him.

[Artie Lang]

frankly, no matter what anyone tells you it's up to you to decide when to end it. seeing as how you've been going, i don't think you're ready to let go.

[nouedis]

Honestly you should feel ashamed of yourself, but I am not here to judge you.

If anything ,I wish you the best of luck and hope it is you can score him one way or another.

 

May his divorce be your thrill at night.

[Grapesofwrath]

frankly, no matter what anyone tells you it's up to you to decide when to end it. seeing as how you've been going, i don't think you're ready to let go.

 

It doesn't matter whether I'm ready. It's happening. And I'm glad that outside circumstances are making it happen, because I have been unwilling/unable to stop it on my own.

[Friskyone4u]

So what advice do you need . ???

 

You have intensified your relationship with someone else's husband and there is no magic pill or sentence anyone can tell you that will make ending this any different than what everyone else has to go through

 

You are not unique! Not saying that to hurt you

 

You are going to have to do what every other has to do and that is going completely no contact , endure the pain , and drag yourself out of his mess .

 

Or you can continue to line away there being used . And stop kidding yourself . You have built nothing but a secretive relationship or he would be with you and not his wife

So out on your big girl panties and get out of Disneyland

[Artie Lang]

It doesn't matter whether I'm ready. It's happening. And I'm glad that outside circumstances are making it happen, because I have been unwilling/unable to stop it on my own.

 

then why would you need the posters to remind you of all the negative stuff he has put you through if it is indeed coming to an end?

 

 

to be honest, i don't think this is over... not by a long shot. he'll eventually reel you back in somehow... as you are so "unwilling/unable to stop on your own."