Author bdarlin Posted April 12, 2005 Author Share Posted April 12, 2005 I posted a little while ago about my boyfriend of 6 years and future husband who suddenly decided he "wanted out" and threw me aside without even a civil conversation, explanation or answers to my questions. This happened at the beginning of March at the same time that my aunt died and I found out that my dad has leukemia and I had to move. I finally got to talk to him, under rushed and stressfull conditions, about a week ago. At that point he said that we would have to start over as friends and that I had to see this as a complete break before he would consider anything and that I have to give him two months. It has been one week...7 more to go right? Is this a good idea...I mean complete silence. There was no stipulation to the two months other than I am not allowed to talk to my parents or his family and I'm not supposed to pray for us. He is my best friend and the person I have confided in for the past 7 years. I have shared my thoughts, and my fears and my most private occurances...things even my parents don't know. I'm the type of person who puts value in a few really good friends than the number of friends I have. We don't have any mutual friends and out of my friends I get conflicting advice. Plus, I'm at the point where I am tired of talking about it. I honestly have no emmotion...no anger, no fear, no hope. All I have is emptiness. Anyway, my question is: Should I not contact him at all for these two months or should I keep minmal contact. For example, phone him on sundays to say Hi and tell him what has happened that week (which is nothing because all I do now is cry, run, and go to church. The thing that sucks the most is that I am in the middle of getting my Ph.D. in microbiology and am at the most critical point in my education. If I can't pass my qualifying exams then I'm pretty much screwed. I got an extension though but right now I can't read a cereal box let alone a research article) Maybe I should just write him letters like a camp pen-pal or something (Oh, I forgot to mention that I moved here to go to school and he was supposed to be right behind me but he got a really great opportunity at his job so he is 600 miles away right now). He is on messenger everyday so it would be easy to say hi how's your day. Please, I need some input here...what's my best move? Link to post Share on other sites
mixwell Posted April 12, 2005 Share Posted April 12, 2005 I think that if he said he wants 2 months then you should give it to him. If you can just try to only talk to him when he is the one that initiates contact. If he is for real about you two then I think that the 2 months is a good thing. I think it will give you both a lot of time to think about things and if you both got back together I think things would work out for the two of you. Its hard when you have soo much invested in someone, I know I was with my ex for 7 years and I am young (21). As hard as it is to do though, I think the best thing for you would be to concentrate on that Ph.D. I know this isn't much advice but I hope it helps you !! Take care, Peace Link to post Share on other sites
Author bdarlin Posted April 12, 2005 Author Share Posted April 12, 2005 I should add that giving him two months did not have an explanation attached to it. He said that he would be my friend still and that if I called he "might" answer Link to post Share on other sites
mixwell Posted April 12, 2005 Share Posted April 12, 2005 How about if he calls you "might" answer. I think he knows you want him back and he is using this as power over you.. C'mon wtf is I might answer if you call ?? Personally if my ex told me that I wouldn't even call them. You shouldn't call him at all after he said that. Then if he calls you I would ignore the first call. I think if you did this it would really get his attention and he might be the one that starts calling all the time to see what you are doing !! Wouldn't you rather have it that way ?? -=) Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted April 12, 2005 Share Posted April 12, 2005 I am not allowed to talk to my parents or his family and I'm not supposed to pray for us.Ok, call it intuition, or whatever, but this sentence says it all for me. First off, who does he think he is telling you that you're not allowed to talk to your parents? What is up with that? I'd be a little leary with such demands.......talking to his side of the family I can understand that a little....but why? What does he have to hide? Not supposed to pray for him? Again......who does he think he is? He's in no position to hinder your prayer life. Frankly, if your following these demands, I'd be a little concerned for your future with him. And, it sounds to me that he's got something going on that he doesn't want you to know about. Your best move would be to confront him about these demands and ask for clarification as to why he's placed these on you.....if he refuses, cut him loose....you don't need this cloak and dagger act. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 12, 2005 Share Posted April 12, 2005 Any person who would do that to you is hoping that two months will be just long enough for you to be over him so that he can break up with you with minimal guilt. I expect he's hoping you'll just drift away, meet someone new, or break up with him so that he doesn't have to actually break up with you. There is no telling what he is doing during those two months, but given his 'stipulations' it doesn't sound too promising. So, what to do? Don't think of it as a break. Think of it as a break-up. For all intents and purposes you are now. So, study - get your work done, immerse yourself into what you need to do for yourself right now and hopefully in seven weeks time with unbiased, uninterrupted no contact from him, you will find that you aren't so keen on getting back with him as you thought. Pray if you need to: not for your relationship, but for the strength to get past it. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted April 13, 2005 Share Posted April 13, 2005 He's telling you whether or not you're allowed to PRAY????? You gotta be kidding me. Can you say "control freak". NC is definitely the right choice, and please be strong, knowing that he may not come back, and you will feel great pain. NECESSARY pain. If he doesn't want to be there, no sense in you trying to hold him. There is a man out there who will not feel the need to pull away from you, ever. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bdarlin Posted April 13, 2005 Author Share Posted April 13, 2005 The problem is that I know he won't call. He is the type of person who is to proud to ever swallow his pride enough to do something like that. If I don't persue him then I'll never talk to him again. Plus, I've always been the primary contact initiator. I know he sounds like an awful person right now but before January there was no sign that he could do anything like this. He is like a some strange evil person who looks like the person I love. He says that it is my fault that he has to be so cuel though. My parents have been freaked out all week because I have been very depressed and considering some pretty stupid things and I haven't been returning their phone calls. They ended up calling him and he didn't answer or return their call even after my dad told him they couldn't get ahold of me. Even if he does call, it probably won't be until August because that is when the girl he is sleeping with in his office is moving away. They're "just friends" and he has no interest in her. Regardless, there is no way he is thinking about us while he is screwing that skank who, by the way, used my boyfriend to get rid of her boyfriend because she was too spineless to just break up with him. I can't believe I just wrote that...it seems so foreign; this is not my life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bdarlin Posted April 13, 2005 Author Share Posted April 13, 2005 I had a similar thought, as to that he is hoping that I will just go away. But, if he knows me at all he knows that will never happen. I have never walked away from anything I believed in and I have never quit anything. I am a fighter and I will always be a fighter. I just don't know how to play this one. I'm guessing I can't talk to his family because he knows that they will try and talk him out of it. He hasn't talked to anyone about this and he refuses to. I think he knows if he does that he is going to hear things that compromise his decision. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 13, 2005 Share Posted April 13, 2005 I hope that when he does decide to call, your heart will be healed enough by then to turn him down. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bdarlin Posted April 13, 2005 Author Share Posted April 13, 2005 Why should I turn him down though? Besides this lovely occurance, our relationship has been wonderful. I have everything I have ever wanted in him and we fit together so perfectly. I don't want to be with anyone else. The thought of anyone ever touching me again, even a friendly hug, makes me physically ill. It is my fault anyway. This all happened because I kept fighting with him about the same thing. He promised to move here last February and then August and then April but each time he wanted to stay a little longer because his project wasn't completed yet. I understand what a great opportunity he has and I'm very proud of him. But, I left a great job at the CDC because this was our plan. If I had known, I never would have left. I should have just repected that instead of trying to make him keep his promise. I'm thinking about moving back to Atlanta...I know if I was there then everything would be ok. He doesn't have any friends down there (except for his new sex-buddy) and I think it is making him crazy. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 13, 2005 Share Posted April 13, 2005 I would add that in addition to strength, you pray for clarity as well. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 13, 2005 Share Posted April 13, 2005 The problem is that I know he won't call. He is the type of person who is to proud to ever swallow his pride enough to do something like that. If I don't persue him then I'll never talk to him again. Plus, I've always been the primary contact initiator. I know he sounds like an awful person right now but before January there was no sign that he could do anything like this. He is like a some strange evil person who looks like the person I love. He says that it is my fault that he has to be so cuel though. My parents have been freaked out all week because I have been very depressed and considering some pretty stupid things and I haven't been returning their phone calls. They ended up calling him and he didn't answer or return their call even after my dad told him they couldn't get ahold of me. Even if he does call, it probably won't be until August because that is when the girl he is sleeping with in his office is moving away. They're "just friends" and he has no interest in her. Regardless, there is no way he is thinking about us while he is screwing that skank who, by the way, used my boyfriend to get rid of her boyfriend because she was too spineless to just break up with him. I can't believe I just wrote that...it seems so foreign; this is not my life. The picture is a bit more clear now. This situation is like a double edged sword: the blade that cuts your heart also frees it. I hope that you will find the strength and clarity you need to get past this. Call your parents. Tell them everything. They may provide the support you need right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bdarlin Posted April 13, 2005 Author Share Posted April 13, 2005 You know what else really sucks though...I just had to add this because it was been the final kick to the face of this whole mess. My ex whom I dated all through high-school and into college and I have never lost contact and a couple of times we have talked about getting back together. We have never lost feelings for each other but we were too young for our love and we always said that maybe sometime we would find each other. He has even asked me to marry him twice (most recently I think a little over a year ago) and I turned him down for this guy (lets call him jerk-face). Actually, I thought he was kidding the first time. I have always been completely honest with jerk face about my ex and he said, "do what you have to do". It never bothered him which always seemed that he didn't care or he was very understanding. Anyway, my ex recently got engaged to a lovely piece of work (please note the extreme sarcasm) after a couple months of dating. They are now having problems (SURPRISE) and he has been calling me for help. It hurts like hell but I love him and I'll always be there for him. Anyway, he has been saying things that indicate that I'm still not completely out of the picture. Now, my first thought when all of this started going down was, "what have I done!!!!". I turned my back on a guy who thinks he world of me and would do anything for me for someone who I have to convince that I'm a good person. Coincidently, that same day my ex called to see how I was doing after we hadn't talked for months b/c his girlfriend forbid him to talk to me. Since then we have been talking about every couple of days. (Isn't humanity great!) They're relationship is ridiculous and very unhealthy for him. When I ask him why he wants to marry her he says, "because I want to get married". Anyway, Sunday he called me and asked me to come to where he is (about 160 miles away) because she left him. Of course I went immediately, not for myself, but for him. On the way, I hit a deer which just made the day so much better. Anyway, I gave him some really good advice and it was nice to be with him. Then we went to sleep and we held each other which again was so nice and more comforting than anything (I didn't want to push or read into it too much...we are both in a very bad place right now.) So, we were falling asleep and she called and he went to talk to her and did everything that his other friends and I had told him not to do including just giving her back the ring. He said he didn't even know if he wanted her back but he didn't even hesitate to do so. I then, of course, had to leave and drive back home at around 3:00 am. I think I left the last piece of my heart and pride there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bdarlin Posted April 13, 2005 Author Share Posted April 13, 2005 Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia The picture is a bit more clear now. This situation is like a double edged sword: the blade that cuts your heart also frees it. I hope that you will find the strength and clarity you need to get past this. Please explain...why did you bold those two points? Link to post Share on other sites
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