Itspointless Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 (edited) Well I advice you to tell her the next time you see her. Doing it over text is not a good way to discus such things. edit: I just read your other comment, makes it even more important to have a good conversation if it is working for you both. Ask if you can help too to change things. But remember sometimes people say they want certain things, even when they (sometimes unconsciously) don't. If she is open for it you can ask her to read the pages I wrote about above. It can be a beginning-point for you both to look honest at each-other and understand what the other notices. With attachment-styles the dynamics count. Edited March 27, 2015 by Itspointless Link to post Share on other sites
Author Monodare1 Posted March 27, 2015 Author Share Posted March 27, 2015 The idea of ending it with her fills me with a guilty feeling, but the more I think about it, the more it feels right, just feel in a mental maelstrom about it. I'm worried that deep down I've unconsciously used the relationship as a transitional one to allow me to recover from my split with my wife in June 2013. Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 The idea of ending it with her fills me with a guilty feeling, but the more I think about it, the more it feels right, just feel in a mental maelstrom about it. I'm worried that deep down I've unconsciously used the relationship as a transitional one to allow me to recover from my split with my wife in June 2013. That last thing you have to investigate for yourself. As for the first point, just be sure that you have given her a fair chance. I can't asses your part in all of this. Perhaps you like to do this test about attachment-styles, I found it very insightful and refer to it often here: Attachment Styles and Close Relationships Link to post Share on other sites
Author Monodare1 Posted March 27, 2015 Author Share Posted March 27, 2015 It seems I'm on the dismissive side of things by a small margin. Talk over the situation with a family member and he was of the opinion that it seems less like a relationship and more like an acquaintanceship. He also suggested that it may be better to find someone that is more available. A lot to think about. Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 I'm sorry but she doesn't sound very interested to me. She can't find time to be with you and is choosing work over you. She may be very short of money of course, we don't know her circumstances, but I still think she'd make a big effort to be with you if she felt strongly. Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 The idea of ending it with her fills me with a guilty feeling, but the more I think about it, the more it feels right, just feel in a mental maelstrom about it. I'm worried that deep down I've unconsciously used the relationship as a transitional one to allow me to recover from my split with my wife in June 2013. "Guilty" would mean that you're doing something wrong to her. I would suggest that what you're doing wrong to her is keeping her off the market, and in a relationship with someone who is not crazy about her. Might it hurt her feelings in the short term? Sure, but so what? Is she so fragile a person that she won't be able to cope? I doubt that. It's time to put this thing out of its misery. Next time you see her, pull the trigger and shoot it dead. However, I wouldn't have my kid around to witness that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Monodare1 Posted March 28, 2015 Author Share Posted March 28, 2015 I would never do anything like that in front of my son. Taking in the opinions if all in here (thank you) and family and friends, it's starting to give me a clearer picture, Spoke with my brother (who is still to meet her after a year) and his response was "do you have a girlfriend?" Speaks volumes really. Link to post Share on other sites
ballycastle Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 (edited) I did temporarily split with her in August as I felt that I hardly seen her, she said she would change things and asked if we could try again, but we are a year down the line and it's got worse rather than better. I have a anxious preoccupied attachment style. For the last 20 years of my life all my relationships have been with avoidants, like your partner. They start out strong and 'match' what we want but in time become their true selves (non communicative/non affectionate/non committal/non prioritising) comes out, so we are left with breadcrumbs and pining for the honeymoon phase. Due to the pain of these relationships and the last one being probably the worst (ie not matching MY needs of a relationship) I no longer date anyone. I am too hurt to trust anyone. To safeguard this happening to you, I suggest you read 'Attached' by Amir/Levine to find your attachment style as you will find you have patterns of attracting certain types. This is learned from your upbringing. Your girlfriend would have behaved like this in all relationships preceding and also, I suspect, had conversations with previous partners about her behaviour. It is nothing you have done more than how she is. Believe me, you can hope for a change but it WILL NOT. Sorry to sound brutally blunt, but if you want any modicum of hope for a happy relationship it will have to be with someone WILLING to put the time and effort to MEET your needs. This person will not do that. Unfortunately as well, statistics say that 50% of the population are secure types, the other 50% equally avoidant and anxious preoccupied. The latter we tend to attract to one another and subsequently repel so tend to find ourselves unlucky in love (like me for most of my adult life). This trait falls off when finding someone 'secure' as then your needs are met in this union. Unfortunately though, very few secure people tend to be single for long, and if they are, will tend to match with the same attachment type as they don't tolerate the 'weird' behaviour either an insecure anxious person will portray or an avoidant who won't commit. Sorry to be bearer of doom and gloom, (hence why I have stopped dating forever as I attract these avoidant types) but its good to be aware of your attachment type so you can set boundaries for future successful relationships. Edited March 28, 2015 by ballycastle Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 Ballycastle you should really read the book I recommendd in this thread. It depends on how avoidant the avoidant actually is. The psychologist who has written the book started as avoidant herself, she now is secure. But, the hard part is that people have to want to change. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Monodare1 Posted March 28, 2015 Author Share Posted March 28, 2015 The difficult part is that prior to my feelings coming to a head I had tentatively agreed to go on a trip with her and some of her family with my son, she is now chasing me down to commit to it as it needs to be booked. This is forcing the issue, as j don't want an unhappy trip for my little one, so now I feel pressure to end it sooner rather than later. I try to look at the positives but the last week I was at hers I struggled to get a hug from her, even from a flirtatious advance, let alone anything else, and the rest if the evening the conversation was like pulling teeth. When u tried to initiate some "intimate" time with her, she buried her face in the pillow so after a time I gave up and fell asleep. The whole situation was painfully awkward. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Monodare1 Posted March 28, 2015 Author Share Posted March 28, 2015 I just can't understand how she feels that this is acceptable. Many I have spoken to have told me it's not. Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 Have you ever read about Chapman's Five Emotional Love Languages? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Monodare1 Posted March 28, 2015 Author Share Posted March 28, 2015 I can't way I have to be honest Link to post Share on other sites
Author Monodare1 Posted March 28, 2015 Author Share Posted March 28, 2015 Looked at the 5 languages, I've bought flowers, taken her for dinner, told her she looks good, took her away for valentines night, tried to be tactile with her. In fact on valentines night, she advised me she was on her "time", we fell asleep, she woke me up to "relieve her" and didn't reciprocate or return the favour. Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 Well perhaps I understood it wrong, havent read much about it to be honest. What I got from it is that people can have different ways of showing love and people need to understand each-others languages or be compatibles with others. What I wanted to say is that she perhaps has other ways of showing her love, I dont know. My ex always brought people presents, it was her way. But I found out the hard way that she is dismissive-avoidant. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Monodare1 Posted March 29, 2015 Author Share Posted March 29, 2015 I've decided that I'm going to end it with my girlfriend, however, I have no means of seeing her to do a face to face and she doesn't like doing ok home calls. I don't want to take the cowards way out by text, any pointers people? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Monodare1 Posted March 29, 2015 Author Share Posted March 29, 2015 I mean she doesn't like doing phone calls Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 I've decided that I'm going to end it with my girlfriend, however, I have no means of seeing her to do a face to face and she doesn't like doing ok home calls. I don't want to take the cowards way out by text, any pointers people? Meet with her next week and tell her how you feel and why you have come to this decision. Tell her that you notice that your needs are different than hers. Its the ethical way of ending it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Monodare1 Posted April 1, 2015 Author Share Posted April 1, 2015 Hi guys I bit the bullet and decided to tell my girlfriend how I feel, she agreed with me, want to see mo more and we are going to work at it to make it better. Fingers crossed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Strength in Healing Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 Lol... sorry brother, but... we'll see you soon. Once the tie is severed, it can be stitched back together but the fabric will forever be doomed to decomposition. It isn't a matter of if, but always and only when. That may be depressing, but I would rather depress you with the honesty than delude you with false hope. Link to post Share on other sites
dvx Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 Care to elaborate on details? Who left who? Time of NC? etc Link to post Share on other sites
Jonp219 Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 Damn... Now you're giving me ideas...lol 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby65 Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 Having read your previous posts, I think you did the right thing! All you can do is be honest about how you feel and hope that by communicating your needs, she's better able to meet them. It sounds like you both care about each other, you just need to work out the logistics so you can spend more time together. Good luck -- keep us posted! Link to post Share on other sites
hollypolly Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 Best of luck to you both. I think some people can make it work and we all kno plenty of people who broke up and made it work in the end. Im sadly a hopeless romantic and im rooting for you. Keep us all posted. Link to post Share on other sites
sxbmb3388 Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 i've literally read all your posts and im glad things have started going for you! good on you for having the guts to do what many people don't! good luck you you and the future Link to post Share on other sites
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