LadyEyes Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 Hey everybody, Please don't judge my age gap relationship. I get that enough already, but that's another threads worth. So I'm, 26 and my husband to be is 45 (46 this year). And he has 2 daughters one who's the same age as me, let's call her Sarah and his other daughter who is 3 years younger than me, we'll call her Stacey. The problem I'm facing or what I think I'm facing is a mind game with Sarah and myself. I've met her a handful of times as she lives 300 miles away and in person she seems normal, nothing out the ordinary towards me. When I first started seeing my husband, I made it very, very clear that if his girls felt uncomfortable in anyway, then I wouldn't want to pursue the relationship any further, the last thing I wanted was to come between him and his girls. He agreed. He took them both out for dinner and broke the news (I stayed at home) and he came back telling me they were completely cool and supportive of it (great! ). One of the only wedges in our relationship is that he's best friends with his ex who is not the girls mother. She lives far away and they rarely chat but it use to rub me up the wrong way. I'm a bit more better with the idea now. The games started at Christmas. Sarah bought her Dad two tickets to go to a football ground tour. I don't support the same team as him but his ex does. So he ended up taking his ex to this football tour and it properly drove me insane. He told me I should trust him and that her fiancé is completely cool with it so, so should I. Sarah didn't get me a Christmas present and that's fine, but what hurt is how she got her Dad and his ex who she loved and adored a present. A few months later Sarah came down to visit and every time James tried to talk about me to include me in the conversation she would automatically redirect the conversation about his ex "who's wonderful". It made me feel a bit embarrassed and I'd have to try and join in the conversation on my own. Again when Sarah is talking to her Dad on the phone, if he mentions me, she cuts him off and starts asking about his ex and how she is etc... What's getting to me is that my partner James doesn't see any of this and when I've mention it he says "well yeah Sarah and my ex where close, as we were together for 10 years and she lived with us". I don't mind that they're friends... but it's hard having my nose pushed out of joint at every moment I'm mention or talked about. She literally doesn't want to know me at all. She had the opportunity more than once to say she didn't like our relationship and now 2 years on she's playing games. Plus on her Facebook she's always tagging his ex in old photos, mentioning her on status' and she's even suggested about how cool it might be for her Dad and his ex to get back together. She wrote on a photo "aww can't you two just get back together - I miss the gold old times!!" Not sure what to do. It's irritating me, don't get me wrong I don't mind her friendship with his ex, but she snubs me, ignores me and won't talk to me in conversation. Help? x
mrs rubble Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 I have no advice sorry, but my sons dad had a fling with a girl the same age as our son and he never felt comfortable or happy about it. He told me it made him look at his dad like he was a pedophile maybe his daughter is thinking along those lines, she's unlikely to admit this to her dad though.
d0nnivain Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 You get to be upset that your BF took his EX on the ground tour instead of you. I don't care if you were born on the infield of Yankee Stadium & this was a tour of Fenway, your BF should have taken you or at least a buddy, not his EX GF. I'm a big believer that you have to deal with pre-existing friends of the opposite sex and co-parents but that does mean you have to tolerate EXs. If she doesn't go, I submit you have to. As for the daughter, ignore her. Kill her with kindness. Don't let any of the rest of it bother you once you confirm that dad, your BF, has fully kicked this EX to the curb. He doesn't have to be mean to her but he can't socialize with her. 1
stillafool Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 I think you should be angry with your man for taking his ex to the game instead of you. Did the daughter give him the tickets and specifically tell him they were for him and his ex? If not, don't be angry with her be angry with him. You should have told him you wanted to go because you want to be with him. I agree that you should ignore the daughter on all the other stuff. If you want to get closer with his daughters why don't you invite them to a girl's lunch or something the next time they visit and get to know them on your own. Build a relationship with them. 2
clia Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 I really don't know if there is anything you can do about his daughter's behavior other than to ignore it and hope she eventually comes around. I'll be honest -- if my dad was planning to marry a woman my age, I would have no interest in getting to know her, building a relationship with her, or welcoming her into the family. I would be immensely grossed out. 1
elaine567 Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 Your man is wrong here, he shouldn't be going to football games with his ex gf, whilst you stay at home, no matter who bought the tickets. He and his daughter are playing you for a fool here, you are his wife and it is time to put your foot down and stop those cosy little threesomes, James, his ex gf and his 26 year old daughter. He needs to put you first here and if he won't, then I don't see this ending happily. It is one of the big issues with dating and marrying older men - the baggage and the older man attitude. He has years of experience dealing with exes and daughters and he will be happy as the centre of that little world. You are the incomer, you will be seen as the interloper. However it is up to him, as your husband to make you feel welcome, abandoning you for the EX was just soooo wrong and sent all the wrong signals to his daughters too.
Methodical Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 It's unclear whether or not your fiancé invited you to attend the football tour with him but you declined because you don't support the same team, or because you don't support the same team he assumed you wouldn't want to go so he invited her. Not that that really matters because I find it a little odd that he'd take her instead of you or a friend. As for inviting the girls to lunch, that's an idea, but don't think it will turn into a bonding experience. You may be the same age they are, but you are sleeping with their father so they will never see you as "one of the girls." You haven't done anything wrong, but Sarah doesn't respect you and the bottom line is she wants them to get back together. She's not hiding that from you or anyone else for that matter, so if seeing her tagging the ex bothers you, it's best to ignore or hide her posts. And don't expect your relationship with her to ever change. If it gets better, great, but don't think marriage will change her attitude. Know that this is how she feels and she will probably always harbor some form of animosity toward you. You need to be prepared to accept that and continue the relationship with your fiancé or walk away if it bothers you that bad. 1
Tayla Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 In any relationship when the differences flair up, its back to basics. Find the commonality. In this case you both have admiration for the BF/DAD. Bring it back to the foundation and build from there. Is their a history with you and your BF that the daughter feels uncomfortable about? Supporting can be.... supporting their passion not so much their team. Since Sarah is an adult, can you perhaps tell her that you respect her choices and you hope she can come to an amicable position when visiting . You welcome her so long as she respects your role in her Dads life.
pink_sugar Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 My dad was dating someone with your age difference...she was like 24 and he was 44. It was really awkward only because my dad made jokes about her being my mom. She's only 7 years older than me and about 3 years older than my brother. My dad was the same age as her dad, which was even more awkward in her family. I believe everyone eventually got passed it, but believe it or not, it was my dad's ex who actually had an issue with his age.
Nikki Sahagin Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 OP, her issues are probably not so much to do with you but with her father. I know I'd be disturbed if my dad ditched my mum for a woman my age. It would disturb my rel with my father greatly. I think this is between him and her. You need to talk to him and let him repair his rel with his daughter. Then, you may see improvements in your rel to her. Accept that this must feel weird and uncomfortable for her.
SpiralOut Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 (edited) She never used to act this way because you were a girlfriend and she probably assumed that the relationship wasn't going to last. Now that you are engaged, she sees that it is serious and she's freaking out. The main issue is your fiancé hanging out with his ex-girlfriend alone. As much as you claim to be okay with their friendship, the truth is that you aren't, otherwise the daughter would not be able to get under you skin by referencing it. Edited March 27, 2015 by SpiralOut
stillafool Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 OP why do you start all of these threads and never come back?
wizer Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 OP why do you start all of these threads and never come back? Because it's a troll. Because it's Spring Break and the elementary school children are bored. I can't quote the other threads started by this poster because the thread is locked, but if you click here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/sexual-reproductive-health-practices/89845-can-i-have-just-lady-s-reply#post809627 You can see that "she" states: "my name is Ashleigh. I'm 17 going on 18 in just a month. I'm still a virgin but have been with my boyfriend for a year now. I think after 1 year I'm ready to have sex with him."
rester Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 Because it's a troll. Because it's Spring Break and the elementary school children are bored. I can't quote the other threads started by this poster because the thread is locked, but if you click here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/sexual-reproductive-health-practices/89845-can-i-have-just-lady-s-reply#post809627 You can see that "she" states: "my name is Ashleigh. I'm 17 going on 18 in just a month. I'm still a virgin but have been with my boyfriend for a year now. I think after 1 year I'm ready to have sex with him." Not excusing the OP for disappearing, but that thread you quoted was started nine years ago. 1
wizer Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 Not excusing the OP for disappearing, but that thread you quoted was started nine years ago. Oops. .......
preraph Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 Oh, I'm sure the daughter knew exactly what she was doing giving him those tickets and probably even prodded him to get together with the ex, but he's a grown-ass man and shouldn't be going along with this. I think it's up to you to set your foot down and become unavailable until he's finished dating his ex and ready to tell his daughters that they are never getting back together.
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