I'm so humiliated

[clia]

I met a guy a couple of months ago through friends and we immediately hit it off. Problem is, we live about 1500 miles apart, so obviously we weren't going to start a relationship or anything. We talked on the phone here and there for about a month, then saw each other again at a mutual friend's wedding. Needless to say, we hung out at the wedding and had a great time together. (Didn't sleep together or anything, just talked and danced.) From the things he said, it was fairly obvious that he liked me and wished that we could've pursued something, although distance made that impossible.

 

Since the wedding (about 3 weeks ago) we haven't talked at all. I didn't expect him to call and I haven't called him. Until. Oh God, I can hardly even write this.

 

I was visiting some friends who live a couple of hours away from him last weekend and as always during our reunions together ended up drinking quite a bit. Yep, you guessed it, I drunk dialed him and I don't even remember what kind of message I left. I'm fairly certain I didn't say anything incriminating or moronic, but I am completely embarrassed to have done that. He has not returned the call (not like I expected him to.)

 

I know that I totally screwed up and have since then taken his phone number out of my cell phone and tried to face the fact that I am a loser.

 

I guess I have a couple of questions. For all the guys out there, would you be totally disgusted by that? I will see this guy again in the future, since we have mutual friends. Should I apologize when I see him or just blow it off?

 

Second, there's a good chance that in about 4 months I'm going to be moving to the city where he lives for graduate school. (The city choice has nothing to do with him...was in the works before I met him. Still waiting to hear from all my schools.) When I get there, should I contact him and let him know I'm there, or do you think I've completely ruined any chance I might have by being such a moron last weekend?

 

Thanks in advance!

[Tony T]

I think you should call him as soon as possible and apologize for the drunken message. Tell him you were at a party, had a few drinks, and thought of him. Let him know you don't remember what you said but you are sorry and embarassed for the indiscretion.

 

If he can't overlook your humanity and forgive you, screw him. You don't need his butt.

[Bill]

Hey,

 

It must be quite embarrassing, I wouldn't like to be in your shoes But what is done is done, and now you have to assume the consequences. I agree with Tony's advice: give him a call, explain the circumstances and apologize for the message. If he doesn't understand that you made an honest mistake, then let him go, it's his loss.

 

What I'm afraid of is this sentence:

I know that I totally screwed up and have since then taken his phone number out of my cell phone and tried to face the fact that I am a loser.

Instead of "facing the fact that you are a loser", which will take a lot of your energy, why don't you use this energy for something more positive, like understanding what you did and moving on? Don't spend your energy on thoughts that will bring your self-esteem down. We all make mistakes, many of them in my case, but one of them doesn't make us a loser. Repeating them does make us stupid, though.

 

You'll get through it, good luck!

 

Bill

[Miss Mojo]

firstly, i know the messages i've received from people when they've been drunk have usually amused me quite a bit (except from my ex, he was drunk ALL THE TIME and it really got on my nerves after a while). i've received text messages from drunk friends and voice mail messages that have ranged from "you mar besht friend, luv you man..gimme ya call kay" (translation: you're my best friend, love you man. give me a call ok", to ramblings that i couldn't even understand which have i have found funny. unless this guy is a real tight-ass, he may possibly have got a bit of a chuckle out of it. i think a guy would only be disgusted if you were a heavy drinker and did this sort of thing all the time (like my ex).

 

personally, i would let this one slide. i would be inclined to contact him when i get to his city and just say a general, "hey, how are you doing?" and just let him know you're there. also, if you were that drunk, he may not have even understood a word you said or known who the message was from, which may be why he hasn't contacted you.

 

things could have been much worse. you could have declared your undying love and proposed to him and confessed that you want to bear all 6 of his children within the next 10 years and live happily ever after. but somehow, i don't get the impression that would have happened.

 

secondly, you are not a loser!!! soooo many people say things when they are drunk and later, when they are sober, think to themselves, "uh oh, what did i say to them?? oh god, how embarrassing!!" but trust me, it won't be long until you will be sitting back and laughing about leaving him a message.

 

try not to stress about it too much. if he's not going to return your calls when you speak to him next, or if he's aloof, i say bugger him if he can't have a sense of humour about it!

[clia]

You really think I should call him? It's been a week now, and I'm inclined to think that if I was going to do that I should've done it within a couple of days.

 

Thanks,

 

Clia

[clia]

Bill,

 

I really don't think that I'm a loser. I just know that I used poor judgment that night. (As always happens when alcohol is involved, right?) I've never done anything like that, so I think it's thrown me for a bit of a loop. I'll get over it, though. My self-esteem is intact. I think it's my pride that's having the problem.

 

I'll ask you the same question I asked Tony--It's been a week now. Doesn't that seem like too long to call and apologize? I feel like I should've done that within a couple of days if I was going to do it.

 

I just don't want to make this out into more than it is. For all I know, he thought it was no big deal.

 

Thanks,

 

Clia

[Tony T]

Yes, call him, write him, or communicate with him somehow. Do it right now!!! Doesn't make any difference how long it's been. Under the current circumstances, nothing makes much difference.

 

Just get your apology on the record. If after that he doesn't start calling you, etc., then just dismiss the whole thing...note your lesson...and move on.

 

It will only take a few minutes to call.

[clia]

Miss Mojo,

 

My friends basically said the same thing that you did. He definitely isn't a tight-ass, so there's a good chance that he found the whole thing very funny. (God, I know I would.) And no, I'm not a heavy drinker. I've never pulled a stunt like this before. I don't think I've been that drunk since our last reunion two years ago.

 

I'm inclined to agree with you about letting this one slide, although both of the guys who responded said I should call and apologize.

 

I'm fairly certain that I was talking coherently so he knows what I said. (This was at about 8 o'clock and I stayed out until 2, so I couldn't have been that out of control, and I didn't get sick.) I'm also fairly certain that I didn't declare my undying love or anything like that. I think I just said that I was thinking of him and wanted to give him a call. I even think I said that making the call was probably a bad idea. (Bits and pieces of it are still coming back.)

 

This will all blow over, I know. It's just that it's still fresh in my mind, so I'm still cringing about it. I know I'm not a loser, but I'm mad at myself because I was playing the game so well and I feel like I showed a major sign of weakness by behaving that way. Oh well, nothing I can do about it now!

 

Thanks,

 

Clia

[Miss Mojo]

hi clia,

 

you didn't show a major sign of weakness by telling him you were thinking of him. it takes a lot of guts to sometimes admit that we are thinking of someone. is he a shy guy at all? if he is, that could be why he hasn't responded.

 

if it's still eating at you, leave it for a couple of weeks and give him a call to apologise, or send him a text message along the lines of "hi (name), sorrry about the message i left you recently i guess i got a bit carried away on the schnapps/beer/wine! (whatever you drank). i'll talk to you later - under the influence of lemondade this time". try and be lighthearted about what you said when you next speak to him, and things should be ok.

[Bill]

Hey,

 

If it still matters to you (and it probably does since you posted again), then call him. It's better late than never. Give him a call right now, it doesn't have to be long. If he really cares, then he'll call back.

 

It won't become a big deal if you just call him once. Just don't call 12 times, apologizing each time and begging him to call back

 

Chances are your message wasn't that awful. I know how you feel, I too hate to lose control or get to a point where my judgement is clouded. And since it happens very rarely, I really worry when it does happen. The morning after though, after talking to a couple of people, you realize that what you did wasn't bad. People were aware of your state at that time and won't hold a grudge against you.

 

Don't worry, it's a mistake everyone does at one point in their life. You'll do just fine.

 

Ciao,

 

Bill