Rainbowlove Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 But the way she did it and the bomb she hit OP with show that she can deliver a deep, fundamental trauma as well as take one. Truth. Even more truth is she will have to live with what she did and how she did it. Running into the arms of Veronica may seem like a good idea, but the truth is she is not healed from ending her marriage. She's essentially trading in one spouse for the next thing. And the toxic relationship with Veronica will only now play out. She'll see what they are really made of. Up until now, her relationship with Veronica was undercover. They now have to be seen as cheaters in the eyes of everyone (including children) and have to deal with coming out and facing that truth. Heterosexual/homosexual it doesn't matter...baggage is baggage. Everyone is going to need some serious therapy. Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Conversion therapy. That is sincerely cruel. Her parents do hold some blame for making her not live her life, trying to deny her of the love she wants and needs, all out of... what? Shame? I feel for OP. But this situation goes far deeper than an affair. And I don't think Rainbow has an 'agenda'. Get over it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Buckeye2 Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 My wife and I have been together for ten years and married for six. We have four beautiful children (2, 3, 5, 5) and a had a wonderful marriage (or so I thought). Four years ago my wife introduced me to a friend of hers named Veronica (not her real name) and I thought she was great. They were together four years before they were married or had kids. Wouldn’t you think she could be honest with him during that time and let him know before they got married? She introduced him to her lover before they had two of their kids. Wouldn’t you think she could be honest with him before she brought two more kids into the world? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 They were together four years before they were married or had kids. Wouldn’t you think she could be honest with him during that time and let him know before they got married? She introduced him to her lover before they had two of their kids. Wouldn’t you think she could be honest with him before she brought two more kids into the world? Not when she had obviously been indoctrinated as she was. She was trying to do the 'right' thing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Wow, I cannot believe some of the posts on here focussing on homophobia. Simtinman, is hurting and will be feeling so many emotions. We need to support him not chastise him. What stood out for me is that not only did his wife cheat for the last 2 years, she also brought her OW around her children during that time. I find that disgusting and sick behaviour whether it be a male or female OP. There are young children involved here, and I totally get that Simtinman must feel devistated and angry to find this out. I believe his wife is very sick to have been doing this. What message is that giving to your kids? Its so wrong on many levels 1 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Wow, I cannot believe some of the posts on here focussing on homophobia. Simtinman, is hurting and will be feeling so many emotions. We need to support him not chastise him. What stood out for me is that not only did his wife cheat for the last 2 years, she also brought her OW around her children during that time. I find that disgusting and sick behaviour whether it be a male or female OP. There are young children involved here, and I totally get that Simtinman must feel devistated and angry to find this out. I believe his wife is very sick to have been doing this. What message is that giving to your kids? Its so wrong on many levels Unfortunately, that is what sometimes happens when you feel miserable and need love. I agree the affair is on the wife. But she was unhappy and maybe this was her way out. I actually think the wife showed some guts, telling OP rather than letting it go on. Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 They were together four years before they were married or had kids. Wouldn’t you think she could be honest with him during that time and let him know before they got married? It's hard for me to judge. I'm someone who came out of the closet at 21. I lost my entire family because of it for about 10 years or so. Coming out is incredibly difficult to do. I'm grateful I'm someone who had the courage to just be myself despite fear and loss. Sadly, not everyone (especially with homophobes in their family) have the courage to face the truth. Yes, in fairness to her husband, she should have come out. She introduced him to her lover before they had two of their kids. Wouldn’t you think she could be honest with him before she brought two more kids into the world? At the very least, she should have stopped having children with him and told the truth. Absolutely. Link to post Share on other sites
Buckeye2 Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 What stood out for me is that not only did his wife cheat for the last 2 years, she also brought her OW around her children during that time. I find that disgusting and sick behaviour whether it be a male or female OP. Do they get a pass for this because they're a lesbian couple? Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Do they get a pass for this because they're a lesbian couple? I don't think so. Right is right and wrong is wrong. Sneaking around with her lover in front of her kids and playing off like they were just friends is wrong on every level. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SycamoreCircle Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 I'm not waving a banner. I don't have a banner. What I have is sympathy for a woman who got jammed into the closet by her parents because they couldn't accept her. It's a sad situation for all. With that said, she is now being her true self. And I'm not blaming her parents for her affair. Let's be clear. That's on her 100%. But I'm blaming her parents for putting their daughter through the hell of reparative therapy. Talk about doing damage someone. Just awful.Then go ahead and blame her parents for putting her through reparative therapy. But that's not how your initial argument came off, Rainbow. You're changing your stance. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Do they get a pass for this because they're a lesbian couple? Absolutely not. Whether she has an OM or OW her behaviour in bringing her kids around her AP is disgusting. The issue isn't it was an OM or OW, the issue is the lies, deceit and involving her kids in it 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Then go ahead and blame her parents for putting her through reparative therapy. But that's not how your initial argument came off, Rainbow. You're changing your stance. Why are you arguing with me? I'm not changing anything. Good grief. Focus on supporting the OP. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Do they get a pass for this because they're a lesbian couple? I am assuming, since the kids are small, that they just think of OW being Mom's friend. But yeah, not a good idea. She should have at least waited til she left. For me (I was OW,) my kids knew my guy, but I didn't meet his til after, and I wouldn't have. Even then it was not an easy thing. But, people make mistakes and just have to learn from them the best they can. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Talk to a lawyer. See about getting a restraining order out on Veronica stating that she can't be around your kids while the divorce is pending. Family courts could give a damn about you or your wife. What they do give a damn about is the welfare of the kids. Your lawyer can state that the kids being around a OM/OW while their parents are divorcing would be too confusing to them. Not many judges will disagree with that and reward the R/O while the divorce is pending. After the divorce, the R/O will be lifted and there's not much you can do after that. What the kids need now is their parents support through this divorce, not the parents and a third party. If you live in a state where you can get a divorce in a matter of weeks or a month or two. Then, it really wouldn't be worth your time. Link to post Share on other sites
Noirek Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Homophobia is technically a fearbof homosexuality. Is the OP suddenly afraidvof hiis wife. Not approving of homosexuality is NOT homophobia, regardless of what the PC pol8ce say. This is a thread about a hurting BS whose wife has cheated. Not approving and drastically cutting someone off is not always the same. My point was that he must really find it disgusting and therefore his actions BEFORE anything was up that he knew of showed his distaste for the OW and such activities. I imagine he is probably religeous and therefore his wife having tainted herself in what to him is a bigger deal than cheating with a man and her knowing his attitude towards same sex marriages makes recovery highly unlikely. She obviously is bi or a lesbian herself. He can't change that and even if she did wake up and realize how harmful and terrible her actions were his disgust (better than homaphobia?) of her sexual prefrences (if she is bi) would be a deal breaker. No where in my post did i say he caused this affair or she was right to do this. But rather pointed out saving the marriage is highly unlikely. Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 People make mistakes. But when it comes to kids I draw the line. If you are a responsible adult, you know better than to have your kids around your AP for 2 years. 2 years isn't a mistake, it is deliberate and calculating. Nothing will make me change my mind on that. And how do you know that the kids didn't see anything more than just friends. Damn irresponsible in putting herself first over her kids. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 But, people make mistakes and just have to learn from them the best they can. Agree ^ - there seems to be a presumption of a perfect world/perfect understanding for these two women going into this. Sorry to sound preachy but people who've never worn the shoes don't fully comprehend the challenges of 'alternative' lifestyles, particularly those that are still outwardly and openly attacked as immoral or evil or what have you. (We don't have to look any further for that than OP's own accounts.) I'm fortunate to have very large balls, and I basically just rammed my out sexuality down everyone's throat who cared to challenge me or comment when I figured it out, and I had generally supportive parents, but it was still a huge challenge and a struggle. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
devilish innocent Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 I can't blame you for the way you're feeling. You've been through a lot this past week. The person you loved and trusted the most has just abandoned you. To top it off, you find out she's been lying to you for years. It's going to be tough. As tough as all of this, you're going to need to accept that it happened. Your wife didn't make this decision out of the blue. She's had a long time to think over things. There may be things you want to say to make her change her mind. I'm sure she's already thought through them herself. You won't be able to stop her. The best thing you can do now is to focus on taking care of yourself and your children. Part of that is accepting the new reality of your life. You say you don't want Veronica around your children. That's not realistic. Your wife is in a relationship with her, and they will be living together. Of course, your children will be around her. That's not as bad as you're making it out to be. If your children like her, then that's only a sign that she's good to them. You said you're worried about her replacing you. I doubt this woman is out to steal your children from you. You will always be their dad. The worst thing I can see is if you force your kids to choose sides. In that case, they are likely to sense what you are doing and resent you for it. You might want to read some books and articles about co-parenting after a divorce. They will advise against letting your kids see negativity toward others parents or step-parents. As long as you do your best to be a good parent, your kids will know it. They will appreciate it when they grow up. Don't worry about your friends will think of the situation. People these days are getting more used to this. Even those who are still homophobic would not see it as any type of a reflection on you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Talk to a lawyer. See about getting a restraining order out on Veronica stating that she can't be around your kids while the divorce is pending. Family courts could give a damn about you or your wife. What they do give a damn about is the welfare of the kids. Your lawyer can state that the kids being around a OM/OW while their parents are divorcing would be too confusing to them. Not many judges will disagree with that and reward the R/O while the divorce is pending. After the divorce, the R/O will be lifted and there's not much you can do after that. What the kids need now is their parents support through this divorce, not the parents and a third party. If you live in a state where you can get a divorce in a matter of weeks or a month or two. Then, it really wouldn't be worth your time. Nobody will grant a restraining order. It is a superfluous request. She is not hurting, and is bonded to, the kids. If it has been this long, it may upset them to not see her now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Agree ^ - there seems to be a presumption of a perfect world/perfect understanding for these two women going into this. Sorry to sound preachy but people who've never worn the shoes don't fully comprehend the challenges of 'alternative' lifestyles, particularly those that are still outwardly and openly attacked as immoral or evil or what have you. (We don't have to look any further for that than OP's own accounts.) I'm fortunate to have very large balls, and I basically just rammed my out sexuality down everyone's throat who cared to challenge me or comment when I figured it out, and I had generally supportive parents, but it was still a huge challenge and a struggle. Lol! I have some pretty big balls myself. I just cannot abide the bullsh*t. I really just feel bad for all involved in this situation. I def. Feel for OP, but it is kind of difficult because he said such disparaging things about OW, not relating to the affair, but relating to her orientation. What OP needs to realize is it would hurt just as much, maybe more, if his W had an affair with a man. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SycamoreCircle Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Why are you arguing with me? I'm not changing anything. Good grief. Focus on supporting the OP.I'm arguing with you because when there's a volley of shots being fired off by different parties, it's important we help the OP maintain focus. I find your directing blame at the wife's parents to be distracting and frankly wrong. There's only one person responsible for this mess: the WS. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 I'm arguing with you because when there's a volley of shots being fired off by different parties, it's important we help the OP maintain focus. I find your directing blame at the wife's parents to be distracting and frankly wrong. There's only one person responsible for this mess: the WS. And her parents. The end. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Nobody will grant a restraining order. It is a superfluous request. She is not hurting, and is bonded to, the kids. If it has been this long, it may upset them to not see her now. Truth ^. "Potential confusion" is not going to be compelling to a judge and will just smack of deliberate attempts to make trouble, which won't endear you to the judge. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 I'm arguing with you because when there's a volley of shots being fired off by different parties, it's important we help the OP maintain focus. I find your directing blame at the wife's parents to be distracting and frankly wrong. There's only one person responsible for this mess: the WS. Here's my white flag banner. I surrender. As far as I can see, I'm the only one who gave the OP any tangible support. Straight Spouse Network links. I wasn't aware that my way of supporting OP had to go through you first to meet your approval. Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 I wonder whether people would say it was ok to have her kids around an OM for 2 years? Seems to me that for some because its an OW then that is ok; after all she's bonded with the kids 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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