Wife left me for a woman

[Rainbowlove]

OP, do you have compassionate, empathetic people you can talk to who won't be sidetracked by a PC agenda?

 

This is not about a PC agenda.

 

This is about a fact.

 

He's married to a lesbian.

 

Where's the PC agenda in that?

[Rainbowlove]

Update.

 

I had a conversation with my wife and Veronica late last night. I invited both of them over to my house while the kids were sleeping over of my parents. They said no at first because the didn't trust me (what am I going to do?) but they eventually came and I sort of ambushed them with my wife's parents. I didn't tell them that my wife cheated with a woman but they kind of figured it out when they saw the two lovebirds holding hands Iin the driveway.

 

My wife completely freaked out about her parents after being there and they started having a screaming match. They told her she was making a mistake and that she was not actually in love with Veronica. What really caught my attention was when her mom said "not this again", I asked her what she meant by that and everyone calmed down to talk. Apparently my wife has been with girls before but her mom put her in "therapy" to "cure" her. My wife told me she was sorry and she thought she got over her attraction to women after years of therapy until she met Veronica.

 

Veronica was quiet for the majority of the conversation until I brought up her seeing my kids behind my back. She said that she has "bonded" with the children and wants to continue seeing them eventually. My wife's mother didn't take that comment very well and started calling her a child molester, then her and my wife started arguing again. Veronica, my wife's dad and I just sat there waiting for them to cool down and when they we continued our conversation.

 

I asked them how long it was going on for. They said 2 years! This made me angry so I decided to push Veronica's buttons. I asked her how she felt about her "girlfriend" having sex with me while they were together. She said, "How do you feel about your wife sleeping with me behind your back? I was fully aware of your relationship, there are no lies between us. I was free to sleep with other women if I pleased, Your wife knew how unfair this relationship was on me but I didn't sleep with anyone I love your wife " I wanted to start punching walls at this point but I kept my cool. I asked her if my wife loved her so much why did she stay with me and having sex with me. She responded with "she stayed because she was scared of dissapointing her family and her children. When she was ****ing you she was thinking of me so I wouldnt feel so proud" I was speechless and so was everyone in the room. Even my wife looked at me sympathetically.

 

I was done at that point. This woman is a complete bitch and my wife left me for that. I asked for time alone with my wife and they all left. I asked her why she was with such a horrible woman she told me that she is usually a "sweetheart" and that I pushed her. She also told me that she was serious about the divorce and she thinks that we should have the same amount of time given to have the children. I asked her if she was planning on letting the children see Veronica and she said "of course" (wtf) I asked her if she loved Veronica so much why is she staying in a hotel. She told me that she needed to be alone for a little while and she will be moving in with Veronica the next day and she wants the kids to visit them on the weekend until they get this settled and then we can find out how we will arrange custody and what not.

 

I am so angry and upset. I had no idea that it was this serious and I'll probably never have her back again. My friends will laugh at me and my father will be so ashamed. I still don't want my kids around that bitch. Is there any way I can stop them from seeing her in the long haul?

 

You'll probably want to take a look at this.

 

It answers most of your questions.

 

FAQ | Straight Spouse Network

Edited March 27, 2015 by Rainbowlove

[autumnnight]

Because if her parents would have embraced their lesbian daughter instead of shaming her and putting her through "conversion therapy" she would more than likely never have married the OP.

 

Instead, they tried to "change" her sexual orientation, which clearly failed.

 

Many, many Late Blooming lesbians end up having affairs on their husbands.

 

I'm not saying it's right, but it happens quite a lot.

 

The best thing this man can do is let his wife free and get himself into some kind of group therapy himself.

 

His marriage is over.

 

No, she cheated because she chose to. Or are we saying we have found a justification for cheating? If my parents are cruel I can cheat on my spouse? I recommend a new thread about the aafects of being punished for being gay so that THIS thread can help the BH.

[autumnnight]

This is not about a PC agenda.

 

This is about a fact.

 

He's married to a lesbian.

 

Where's the PC agenda in that?

 

The pain that brought him here is infidelity. Period.

[Rainbowlove]

No, she cheated because she chose to. Or are we saying we have found a justification for cheating? If my parents are cruel I can cheat on my spouse? I recommend a new thread about the aafects of being punished for being gay so that THIS thread can help the BH.

 

You must have missed the part where I said she was wrong.

 

I'm not giving her a pass for cheating on him.

 

She cheated and shouldn't have...but did.

 

I've attempted to support the OP by giving him links to an organization that specialize in events like this.

 

Hopefully he reads it and can find a way to move forward in his life for his own happiness and his childrens.

[jbrent890]

No, she cheated because she chose to. Or are we saying we have found a justification for cheating? If my parents are cruel I can cheat on my spouse? I recommend a new thread about the aafects of being punished for being gay so that THIS thread can help the BH.

 

I think she did with posting the FAQ, which was an excellent resource for him. However, you are right. I'm happy his wife came out the closet, it's just sad that this had to come at the expense of her husband, marriage, and possibly her family. There were better and less destructive ways she could have done this that did not include cheating for two years. Also, I'm not going to sit here and defend the AP. She still poached on MW. There are plenty of single lesbians in the world. The next step needs to be getting the children in therapy because they are going to need it. They still don't know what is going on. When this gets out, this is going to be a huge thing in their community. This is going to cause people to talk and laugh behind his back, which will cause their children to talk and laugh behind his children's back. I feel for you bro.

[SycamoreCircle]

Rainbow, I don't think anyone can know for sure that her parents are responsible for their daughter's faltering. You should know better than that. It sounds like you're asserting your own agenda into the mix.

[happyman64]

SimtimMan

 

I understand you are upset and angry.

 

You have every right to be.

 

And your guts proved you right. Your wife has been lying to you for a long time.

 

Not just two years my friend. But her whole adult life she has been attracted to women. Not just you!

 

So while she has lied during your entire relationship. She has cheated on you for over two years.

 

Lick your wounds. You have no reason to be embarrassed though you have many reasons to be angry.

 

Jbrent is right. Put your focus on the kids. Because your wife and her GF have done a number on them. Their affair will have life long implications for your children and how they view adult relationships.

 

Go see an attorney. Understand your rights.

I would be hesitant for your kids to spend weekends with your wife and her GF before formal custody is arranged. If your wife wants to see them she can do so at your home.

 

Get a divorce. Be a good coparent with your WW. But her lies and deceit means she deserves nothing else from you.

 

And last but not least Veronica is a predator. If it were me I would divorce my wife and after the divorce file a complaint with the FD review board. Not out of revenge but a woman like that had no business engaging with another fireman's spouse IMHO.

 

Have her background checked by a professional for peace of mind. I would. If she is a City employee she might be clean but double check anyway.

 

Your main beef is your wife. You should be disappointed in her until the day you die.

 

Good Luck. Stay calm. And accept any help you can get from your parents and inlaws.

 

There are better fish in the sea that will love you and your kids. You showed restraint while confronting Veronica. Keep restraining yourself and cleanup your wifes mess as best you can.

 

HM

[aliveagain]

It would be in your best interest to stop contact with your soon to be ex wife. The quicker you can agree on the terms, divorce. Get the best lawyer you can afford. There is nothing to save here.

[sandylee1]

OP

 

I'm so sorry for this situation. I know this may be little comfort, but your wife prefers women and tried to surpress those feelings in dating and then marrying you. There is nothing you could have done.

 

I feel people who get married while they are uncertain about their sexuality or know and just go along with it, without informing their partner is exceedingly deceitful. Marrying under false pretences.

 

It is one hell of a shock and unless someone has been there, you have no idea. I disagree with those who say 'it's just cheating'. It's way more to process. Much more.

 

OP - This is no laughing matter, so anyone who laughs is not a friend, rather an idiot. A stranger wouldn't laugh, so why would they.

 

There is a sub forum on an infidelity website titled 'I can relate' for those whose spouses have an affair with the same gender. See the link below. You will find support from those who have walked in your shoes.

 

SurvivingInfidelity.com - Spouses with Same Gender APs.

 

I fully understand that this is not what you wanted, for you ir your children. It is not how you want them raised and you have every right to be feeling as you do. You just need to try and calm down a little and put the interest of your children first.

 

The custody arrangement your wife proposed is fair. You can't stop the kids seeing Veronica. V is now her partner, but your feelings towards her are normal as the AP in your marriage. Nobody would want the person who helped break up their marriage be around the kids.

 

Just focus on being the best dad you can be to those children, who will find this all so confusing. It's a shame your wife didn't think about this.

 

Please look after yourself and realise, you have no control over other people's actions. I know this is very hard to process, so don't feel you have to tell everyone about it.

[spanz1]

It would be in your best interest to stop contact with your soon to be ex wife. The quicker you can agree on the terms, divorce. Get the best lawyer you can afford. There is nothing to save here.

 

 

 

and keep a VAR recorder hidden in your pocket every time you DO have to talk to her for ANYTHING. cut out the emails, etc...they WILL be used against you during the divorce. Or that bull dyke GF of hers might call the cops and falsely report you being violent, or abusing the kids, or who knows what.

 

 

Since they have been screwing for 2 years....I guess my earlier comment about it maybe only lasting 6 months was off. She really IS a lesbian. You were "bait and switched"...you gave her kids, money, a secure home...now your job is done in her eyes...and all she wants is to have lesbian sex--like she always wanted to.

[GoBlue]

I am so angry and upset. I had no idea that it was this serious and I'll probably never have her back again. My friends will laugh at me and my father will be so ashamed. I still don't want my kids around that bitch. Is there any way I can stop them from seeing her in the long haul?

 

I am so sorry SimtinMan for your pain and heartache. I lost my wife because of very bad decisions I made and now have to sit back and watch her live with another man and expose their "lifestyle choice" to my children on a daily basis. It is something I have no control over and yet it eats at me every single day. The best I can do is love my children and model the best life I can before them. They too will have to make up their own minds on what kind of life they want to live.

 

Your true friends will not laugh at you - if they do they probably aren't the kind you want around anyway. Your father will probably surprise you greatly by his response when he sees your pain. My father called me every day when I was in counseling because he knew how broken I was. You have no control over the decisions your wife makes. Manipulation and guilt are not going to reach her heart - she will have to come to that place herself. There is a book that I recommend you get your hands on as soon as possible - Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Marriages in Crisis by Dr. James Dobson. It will give you very practical advice on how to respond.

 

I am also aware of a service that offers free short-term counseling. It is from a faith-based organization and so you will have to send me a private message if you want more information. The pain you are feeling is very real and needs to be dealt with honestly and openly. A professional counselor could be very helpful in this process. The break-up of a family is one of the saddest and most painful things anyone can go through. This is true whether your wife leaves for another man, or, in this case, for another woman. I know that it is worse in your mind because it is a woman but that is something you are going to have to release. Again, this is not your choice but hers.

 

My heart goes out to you friend. I personally believe that a day will come when your wife will regret this decision with every fiber of her being, but that may not bring you comfort right now. I really believe that a family friendly counselor could be very helpful as you move forward. One of the things we face in life is the fact that the days keep coming even when we want to put the breaks on and halt the flow of where we are going. My heart has been renewed by a relationship with God since I destroyed everything good I had by ignoring Him. May you too find hope! Please feel free to message me if I can help. Blessings.

[Rainbowlove]

Rainbow, I don't think anyone can know for sure that her parents are responsible for their daughter's faltering. You should know better than that. It sounds like you're asserting your own agenda into the mix.

 

Do you know anything about conversion therapy?

 

The Damaging Practice of Conversion or Reparative Therapy | Faith in America

 

This is not about my agenda. My only agenda is to support the OP.

 

This is a sad situation for everyone involved. Her parents blatantly attempted to change their daughter instead of accepting her, which made her closet herself and her true feelings.

 

The OP said that himself.

 

Update.

What really caught my attention was when her mom said "not this again", I asked her what she meant by that and everyone calmed down to talk. Apparently my wife has been with girls before but her mom put her in "therapy" to "cure" her.

 

Nothing he says or does will change what's been done to his marriage.

 

His wife was wrong. Veronica was wrong. Her parents were wrong.

 

When this happens to people, it's shocking and devastating to the straight spouse who is left wondering how in the world their spouse is gay/lesbian/bi whatever.

 

I've seen this play out more in my life than I care to mention. My own affair was similiar..only both the XH and W were gay.

 

My MIL's husband came out as gay later in life.

 

The OP will survive this, but he needs the right support system. Not people who will try to put his wife back in the closet.

[spanz1]

yes, by all means find a male "divorce counselor". she has screwed with your brain pretty well and vindictively. You need a professional to help you get control of your emotions, and show you that it was all her fault.

[sandylee1]

I think she did with posting the FAQ, which was an excellent resource for him. However, you are right. I'm happy his wife came out the closet, it's just sad that this had to come at the expense of her husband, marriage, and possibly her family. There were better and less destructive ways she could have done this that did not include cheating for two years. Also, I'm not going to sit here and defend the AP. She still poached on MW. There are plenty of single lesbians in the world. The next step needs to be getting the children in therapy because they are going to need it. They still don't know what is going on. When this gets out, this is going to be a huge thing in their community. This is going to cause people to talk and laugh behind his back, which will cause their children to talk and laugh behind his children's back. I feel for you bro.

 

Couldn't agree more. There are plenty single gay women V could have gone for, why your wife. Your poor young kids, caught up in this mess.

 

Hopefully, your kids only know V as a friend of mom, but you need to ascertain if they do know (the older ones) more. It's so unfair.

[drifter777]

Blaming parents? Come on, adults take responsibility for their own actions. Everyone's parents screwed up in one way or another, to various degree's, and it's on us to deal with it and more forward.

 

When a cheater cheats, it's on them. There may be a lot of mitigating factors - some may even be valid - but their decision to lie and deceive and break their marriage vow is on them. No one else.

 

OP: How many people have urged you to see a lawyer as soon as possible? Listen to us. It is one of the simplest things you can do to simply begin the healing process. Stop reacting to your WW and all her bravado and do something on your own. End all contact with her - at least until she is the one begging to talk with you. This wimpy, whiny thing you are doing now only strengthens her resolve to keep doing what she's doing.

[SycamoreCircle]

Rainbow, I'm assuming the OP's wife is a grown woman. Our parents all share some responsibility in shaping who we are, down to our genetic code. But to outright say that we should blame the parents for not letting their daughter be gay is to deny that we have any say so in who we are as mature adults. Rather, blame the parents for not giving the daughter the tools needed to successfully live emotionally true to oneself and while you're at it, blame her culture, blame her immediate surroundings---school, work, etc. Ultimately, as a mature adult, I'm responsible for the choices I make.

 

And as I said earlier, sexuality is a fluid thing. Are we to believe that all those years the wife was married to her husband she was in private torment? She was coerced into a heterosexual relationship because of suppressive attitudes and actions from her parents? I don't buy it.

 

I've dated women my whole life. With my most recent BU, devastating and remorseless as it was, I've started to have more homosexual feelings. Why? I just don't know if I can muster the emotional strength to connect with a woman after this last episode. I feel utterly drained. Does that mean I'm a closet homosexual? I don't believe so. It does mean that sexuality is a fluid thing---as much determined by our emotional needs, as by our environment.

[Cali408]

Update.

 

I had a conversation with my wife and Veronica late last night. I invited both of them over to my house while the kids were sleeping over of my parents. They said no at first because the didn't trust me (what am I going to do?) but they eventually came and I sort of ambushed them with my wife's parents. I didn't tell them that my wife cheated with a woman but they kind of figured it out when they saw the two lovebirds holding hands Iin the driveway.

 

My wife completely freaked out about her parents after being there and they started having a screaming match. They told her she was making a mistake and that she was not actually in love with Veronica. What really caught my attention was when her mom said "not this again", I asked her what she meant by that and everyone calmed down to talk. Apparently my wife has been with girls before but her mom put her in "therapy" to "cure" her. My wife told me she was sorry and she thought she got over her attraction to women after years of therapy until she met Veronica.

 

Veronica was quiet for the majority of the conversation until I brought up her seeing my kids behind my back. She said that she has "bonded" with the children and wants to continue seeing them eventually. My wife's mother didn't take that comment very well and started calling her a child molester, then her and my wife started arguing again. Veronica, my wife's dad and I just sat there waiting for them to cool down and when they we continued our conversation.

 

I asked them how long it was going on for. They said 2 years! This made me angry so I decided to push Veronica's buttons. I asked her how she felt about her "girlfriend" having sex with me while they were together. She said, "How do you feel about your wife sleeping with me behind your back? I was fully aware of your relationship, there are no lies between us. I was free to sleep with other women if I pleased, Your wife knew how unfair this relationship was on me but I didn't sleep with anyone I love your wife " I wanted to start punching walls at this point but I kept my cool. I asked her if my wife loved her so much why did she stay with me and having sex with me. She responded with "she stayed because she was scared of dissapointing her family and her children. When she was ****ing you she was thinking of me so I wouldnt feel so proud" I was speechless and so was everyone in the room. Even my wife looked at me sympathetically.

 

I was done at that point. This woman is a complete bitch and my wife left me for that. I asked for time alone with my wife and they all left. I asked her why she was with such a horrible woman she told me that she is usually a "sweetheart" and that I pushed her. She also told me that she was serious about the divorce and she thinks that we should have the same amount of time given to have the children. I asked her if she was planning on letting the children see Veronica and she said "of course" (wtf) I asked her if she loved Veronica so much why is she staying in a hotel. She told me that she needed to be alone for a little while and she will be moving in with Veronica the next day and she wants the kids to visit them on the weekend until they get this settled and then we can find out how we will arrange custody and what not.

 

I am so angry and upset. I had no idea that it was this serious and I'll probably never have her back again. My friends will laugh at me and my father will be so ashamed. I still don't want my kids around that bitch. Is there any way I can stop them from seeing her in the long haul?

 

I can't believe how poorly you've handled this. You have every right to be mad. But you need a cooler head. Why would you get her parents involved? Seriously, you and your wife's problems are your own.

 

You goaded them into coming over and ambushed her. Bad move.

 

Your wife:

Does have rights to see her kids.

 

You better cool down stop contact except for visitation and file. Your actions don't make you a sympathetic figure. You come off as a control freak.

[Rainbowlove]

To outright say that we should blame the parents for not letting their daughter be gay

 

They put her through REPARATIVE Therapy!

 

She absolutely has a say...NOW. Sadly, her say didn't matter when she was young and under her parent's control.

 

As a result, her husband and kids are caught in the cross fire of a woman who has found her true voice and self.

Edited March 27, 2015 by Rainbowlove

[jen1447]

With acknowledgement that this probably isn't the thread to discuss this, it seems like a no-brainer conclusion to draw that OP's parents' attempts to 'cure' their daughter of homo/bisexuality could have a significant impact on her emotional and psychological well-being. To think that she would shrug that off without a care in the world is a bit blind. We're all responsible for ourselves as adults, yes, and posters like Rainbowlove haven't hesitated to lay blame at Veronica's feet, but there are still mitigating factors that distinctly affect the big picture scenario.

[SycamoreCircle]

They put her through REPARATIVE Therapy!

 

She absolutely has a say...NOW. Sadly, her say didn't matter when she was young and under her parent's control.

 

As a result, her husband and kids are caught in the cross fire of a woman who has found her true voice and self.

I agree with some of what you're saying, but when you add "her true voice and self" it sounds like you proudly standing with a group of your peers waving a banner in triumph.

 

This WS is, by no stretch of the imagination, in the clear.

[Rainbowlove]

I agree with some of what you're saying, but when you add "her true voice and self" it sounds like you proudly standing with a group of your peers waving a banner in triumph.

 

I'm not waving a banner. I don't have a banner. What I have is sympathy for a woman who got jammed into the closet by her parents because they couldn't accept her.

 

It's a sad situation for all.

 

With that said, she is now being her true self.

 

And I'm not blaming her parents for her affair. Let's be clear. That's on her 100%.

 

But I'm blaming her parents for putting their daughter through the hell of reparative therapy. Talk about doing damage someone. Just awful.

[Buckeye2]

What really caught my attention was when her mom said "not this again", I asked her what she meant by that and everyone calmed down to talk. Apparently my wife has been with girls before but her mom put her in "therapy" to "cure" her. My wife told me she was sorry and she thought she got over her attraction to women after years of therapy until she met Veronica.

 

Your wife is a lesbian. Nothing wrong with that but she married you under false pretenses. She and her mother deceived you for your entire marriage. The way it turned out you were just a sperm donor for your wife and Veronica. Not only that, they will get a child support check and a babysitter. Pray they get married so there will be no alimony.

 

"When she was ****ing you she was thinking of me so I wouldnt feel so proud"

 

Yep, you were used.

Edited March 27, 2015 by Buckeye2

[jbrent890]

I can't believe how poorly you've handled this. You have every right to be mad. But you need a cooler head. Why would you get her parents involved? Seriously, you and your wife's problems are your own.

 

You goaded them into coming over and ambushed her. Bad move.

 

Your wife:

Does have rights to see her kids.

 

You better cool down stop contact except for visitation and file. Your actions don't make you a sympathetic figure. You come off as a control freak.

 

I think the criticism on how this guy handled this is going too far. At the time, he did not know that his wife is essentially a lesbian. He probably thought that this was a phase and that having her parents there would scare her out of it. The parents should have told him what was up from the beginning. Maybe he would have gone down a different route. This guy has been deceived for years. The other poster was right, his wife should have said something from the beginning. Yes what her parents did were wrong, but she is an adult. That attraction doesn't just go away. She could have at least told her husband that things she had a go through. This is why I advocate that there shouldn't be any secrets between spouses because things like this happen.

[drifter777]

Assuming OP is relaying the story of her parents homophobic treatment of his wife when she was an adolescent, it's pretty much a horror story for her. She needs therapy to work on such a deep, fundamental trauma and I hope she either is or will get into treatment. But there are better ways for her to come out of the closet to her husband. The original talk she had with him about her sexual feelings would be one way to open the subject. But that should have been before she started having a emotional/sexual relationship with her AP. Yes, she is emotionally ill but that doesn't excuse her callus disregard for her husband and marriage. She wants a divorce so she can be her true self? Yes, most people would understand and many even agree. But the way she did it and the bomb she hit OP with show that she can deliver a deep, fundamental trauma as well as take one.