Update, also need advice ( maybe a little support )

[norcaldivr]

Hi all,

 

A while back I posted about my travails in trying to rekindle a romance that I ended. Here is the thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t59506/

 

Now for an update.

 

We had several intense phone conversations regarding relationships and in particular hers. She really opened up to me to the point of crying and saying she was realizing how hopeless her LDR was. Also some things were said that pushed my buttons as well. Our conversations sometimes cut deep and when it happens we both apologize to each other and reiterate how we don't mean to hurt each other. It is amazing how we can talk like this now, we never did before. This was near the end of March. In a conversation a few days later I could tell she was pulling back but still saying things that indicating a growing doubt about her LDR. I also asked if she wanted to go dancing in a few days (quick explaination: we always talked about it when we were together but in the time we were apart I took a beginning ballroom dance class and she expressed strong interest in going dancing, as a friend of course). She now seemed a little reluctant to go dancing though I sensed she would have.

 

I decided enough was enough.

 

I called her the day before the dance, March 31. I said that I did not think it was a good idea and that we needed some space from each other. She said she was glad to hear that I was moving on but I'm not sure if she really meant it. We ended the conversation saying that we still cared about each other a great deal. I have been NC ever since then and she hasn't called me nor do I think she will since it was I who said we needed some space. In a way it felt good to be in control for a change even if it is similar to being able to steer an airplane one way or the other before plowing into the ground leaving a smoking hole of smouldering wreckage. It was the first time that I was not openly wishing for her return, quite the opposite. I also said that it was not goodbye forever, just for now.

 

I really feel that she was using me as a sort of backup in case her other gig didn't pan out. At one point I joked that

I need to be careful what I wish for. She laughed and when the conversation became serious again she said even if her LDR crashed and burned she would need some time. At least she didn't say hell no. When we would talk I gave her a tremendous amount of emotional support which I know she appreciated. She also would go balistic at the mention of the person I am dating now so I never utter a peep about it. All such talk centers around her LDR BF. She knows there is someone else out there so no need to belabor the point.

 

Now the question. My strategy was to be NC for a month after which I would send a nice "friends" card with a note inside telling her all about how the last month has been and saying I would like to chat with her. In the past this always gets a "thank you for the lovely card" call from her. In the meantime I booked a trip to Mexico to go diving. Like all of us lost love pining guys I have been tempted to break to NC to tell her about the upcoming trip. I know in my heart of hearts that I should remain steadfast. On one hand I think she was nearing a crossroads in her other LDR and my presence may have given her an alternative so she could make the break. OTOH I may have been the emotional crutch she needed to keep it going. No way of knowing however she is usually quite independent when making decisions about her life. My return will be right around the one month point which would be perfect timing for the card along with something for the letter. Also maybe a postcard from there sent on the last day so that my card arrives first. One other thing is that I am not going to Mexico alone. I won't say ANYTHING about my traveling companion however.

 

So far this has been the longest period of NC since we resumed contact. By the end of a month it will be by far the longest. I know she wonders because I called her a couple times a week before and also because I was very calm and collected when I said we needed some space. My guess is that she figures that my new someone has blossomed into someting more serious. My guess is that it bothers her and maybe more than a little but this could be wishful thinking on my part.

 

No matter what happens I really want to get on with my life. I want this person back but as long as I keep her in my thoughts it is difficult to move on and I can't keep living like this. If there is no movement after contact is re-established I think it will be time to cut loose and make NC permenant. Thanks for listening everyone !

[blackendangel13]

Ok in my humble opinion, she was just using you as an emotional crutch. I am in an LDR which sucks really bad sometimes and I admit, I fall back on those willing to be there for emotional support. I actually fall on my best friend whom is male. I think since you were more than willing to be there for her, she was going to stay put in her LDR. She was getting exactly what she couldn't get from her relationship from you instead of her boyfriend, which isn't fair to either of you. It kind of was like you were on the backburner for her. I like your no contact idea. Keep it up. I think when you do send a card, keep it very impersonal and see how long you can last before sending it. When she calls, don't answer right away. Look busy. She will see that relationships and friendships work both ways and she needs to put forth an effort and fess up to what she needs and wants out of life. Its very unfair to assume that you are ok with hearing about her new relationship when she wants nothing to do with yours.

[norcaldivr]

I think what you said is very true. She had me to give her emotional support and him for her romance, at least once every other month or so. Both of these should come from the same person.

 

I am wanting her less and less with each passing day. There is someone new in my life though it's still too early to tell if it will go anywhere. Things are off to a great start but it's only a start. If things blossom between myself and my new lover then I will not be interested in her at all. Even if they don't my interest is fading. This can only be a positive for me. And soon I will have some closure one way or another.

 

Just out of curiousity would it make any difference in your LDR if you did not have your male friend for support ? Just wunderin'

 

Thanks for the advice. For now NC will prevail.

[blackendangel13]

I am very happy to hear of your progress! NC sucks for awhile but deep down a lot of us know its much better that way. My ex will not accept no contact and we have been apart since July. It definately makes you see things much clearer.

 

 

As for the question you asked:

 

I love my best friend. We actually both met at a place when we just broke up with very serious significant others and hit it off great. He knows me better than anyone else. But I love my boyfriend and in all honesty if I didn't have my best friend, I would have to rely on some other friends to pick up the slack sometimes. LDRs are very hard and my boyfriend doesn't put forth much effort sometimes and I am pretty emotionally fragile. I, like your girlfriend, debate about leaving him all the time because sometimes it seems too hard. But the reason I don't is because I love him and there are good times too and he is young and has a lot of growing to do. We just have little problems that are hard to solve when you live so far apart, i.e. him never driving, not seeing each other enough, etc. So it is nice to vent sometimes. Its very natural in an LDR to have to fall back on your friends for support because nothing compares to someone being there physically and in a LDR sometimes that just isn't possible. This is just me though, I am sure there are people here who will disagree.

 

Keep your head up