What my psychiatrist said (Updated)

[solostand]

So I have been NC with ex-mm since Jan. 26th. I am getting ready to move for a new job in a different province.

 

This week I saw my psychiatrist for the last time. We talked about ex MM and I told him my plan was to just move without telling exMM anything. He could hear it through the grapevine.

 

He said I should have one last meeting with MM for "closure" and to tell him to call me if he ever got divorced. He didn't think it would be fair to ex MM to just disappear since our affair was over two years long. He said he thought MM would be shocked that I am moving.

 

Thoughts?

[minimariah]

i think you should do it.

[Ifalltopieces]

I dunno....I would like to think that since he is an educated, licensed psychiatrist he knows what he is talking about, but it seems a little risky.

 

Since only you know your MM, do YOU believe meeting with him will give you closure?

 

Is there any chance that meeting with him will set you back in terms of healing or possibly start the A again?

 

I think you need to put a lot of thought into your decision. At this current point in time, you need to look out for YOUR best interest. Good luck with whatever you decide to do. If you seek the closure route, I hope you get it.

[GoldieLox]

Really? Unfair to xMM? When did xMM ever do anything that was fair to you? I personally don't think you should do it. It's been over two months. I feel like that progress would be severely compromised. What good would come out of it? Nothing.

 

I'm just a little surprised that a psychiatrist would give this kind of advice. They typically deal with the medication intervention side of things, not the behavioral and therapeutical side of things.

[privategal]

No way. If he's been fine to go NC he shouldn't care, he is not your friend. You share news with friends. You already said goodbye and trust me, if you think the pain has been bad now in NC wait until you pick the scab by seeing him...then when you move, and its lonely and your vulnerable...its gonna be aweful.

My xeap and I were in low contact...it was definitely over...but he heard through grapevine when I was moving and I allowed meeting to say goodbye and once I moved I wanted it to be a fresh start for me. He weasled his way in with calls, texts and emails pleading to stay connected and part of eachothers lives...then guess what....he dropped me.

Stone cold silence and hes gone.

Now my new space, new home, exciting new life and pending new adventure...all tainted by sasness...all clouded by him.

Trust me when I tell you...dont bring him into your NEW LIFE....let this bring closure on its own.

Say you get a great wonderful whimsical nostalgic goodbye....then he's gonna shrug and probably go home and take his W out to dinner. Its none of g is business now what you to to improve your life. Close the chapter...burn the book.

Best wishes!!

[SolG]

i think you should do it.

 

Curious as to why you say that mini?

[GollumsNightmare]

Nononononononono!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[todreaminblue]

most shrinks like to work with you to make informed and proper decisions about your mental health.....they dont tell you what to do in relationships....not in my experience but then i have only seen maybe twenty or thirty shrinks..

 

how they determine your mental health status is on the choices you make and assess you on how you manage yrou own life not how others manage it for you......... and not on what they tell you to do..

 

 

 

a psychologist has more in depth discussions involving relationships...i have also found they are wary on giving instructions on what to do and again work with you on making informed personal and private choices of your own volition....

 

to me good shrinks help you to progress and make your own decisions on how to handle life and be productive in your life.... not counter productive which i feel a closure meeting for you would be counter productive....

 

i would say no .....for you its a no to seeing the guy you have stayed away from and tried to move on from and made progress in doing so...i think it would set you back.......in my opinion that makes more sense...i think you should really think about it and what you want from life and then explore the hidden reasons you try not to think about that is pushing you in the direction of seeing him again...the hidden motives.....the wishes....behind what you are saying about wanting closure......is there a motive other than closure.....be truthful with yourself.......deb....

Edited March 27, 2015 by todreaminblue

[cocorico]

most shrinks like to work with you to make informed and proper decisions about your mental health.....they dont tell you what to do in relationships....not in my experience but then i have only seen maybe twenty or thirty shrinks..

 

how they determine your mental health status is on the choices you make and assess you on how you manage yrou own life not how others manage it for you......... and not on what they tell you to do..

 

 

 

a psychologist has more in depth discussions involving relationships...i have also found they are wary on giving instructions on what to do and again work with you on making informed personal and private choices of your own volition....

 

to me good shrinks help you to progress and make your own decisions on how to handle life and be productive in your life.... not counter productive which i feel a closure meeting for you would be counter productive....

 

i would say no .....for you its a no to seeing the guy you have stayed away from and tried to move on from and made progress in doing so...i think it would set you back.......in my opinion that makes more sense...i think you should really think about it and what you want from life and then explore the hidden reasons you try not to think about that is pushing you in the direction of seeing him again...the hidden motives.....the wishes....behind what you are saying about wanting closure......is there a motive other than closure.....be truthful with yourself.......deb....

 

I'm with Deb.

 

I think the risks of a setback outweigh any possible "closure" he is "owed". If you are tending to considering meeting up and telling him to look for you once he is divorced, I think you need to step back and review. If he was disappointed voiced, would you want him? If you don't, then there was s no point meeting him. If you do, then consider carefully how he will read the meeting. I suspect that, rather than offering "closure", it will seem to him like a door left open - "this isn't good bye, I am still interested.... Just... Not like this." Which leaves him in a position to negotiate, to see what you might be willing to accept. It's like saying, I'm not leaving the game, im just revising my demands, so let's see what you've got to offer.

 

Are you done?

 

Or, are you done for now, but open to whatever offers he might come up with?

[amaysngrace]

Maybe he thinks you may need closure and wants you to establish a personal boundary by saying "call me if you ever get divorced".

 

What he suggested is empowering when you think about it.

[stillmind]

This sounds TERRIBLE to me!!!! It's one thing to say "Call me if you get divorced" if you're in the middle of an affair or just starting NC... but you haven't talked to him in months! IMO, if you told him that it would be a huge ego stroke for him, to think of you sitting there pining away, ready to hop back into his bed as soon as the phone rings...

[nikki76]

No way! You have been doing so good with NC.. meeting with him will set you up for disaster emotionally. You will probably be worse off then you have been these past few months. Especially, now, that you are moving so far away, and wont be able to see mm again.

 

Stay strong. Stay no contact. You dont owe him anything. I get what he's saying about the closure, but closure comes from within.

 

Please dont contact him. If anything, set up a new email, tell him you are moving, then delete the email and move far far away from this.

[amaysngrace]

IMO, if you told him that it would be a huge ego stroke for him, to think of you sitting there pining away, ready to hop back into his bed as soon as the phone rings...

 

I don't think it's about what will be going through his mind as much as it's about what will be going through hers.

 

To me the doctor makes a lot of sense, especially because he knows exactly where her head is at.

 

The doctor knows the context of her thoughts when she brought up MM months after having not spoken to him. Probably better than she does.

[stillmind]

I don't think it's about what will be going through his mind as much as it's about what will be going through hers.

 

To me the doctor makes a lot of sense, especially because he knows exactly where her head is at.

 

The doctor knows the context of her thoughts when she brought up MM months after having not spoken to him. Probably better than she does.

 

This just doesn't make sense to me for any relationship ... If I break up with someone in a toxic relationship because they are a drug addict, would it make sense to return months later to say "By the way, if you ever get off the drugs I'll take you back?" Just move on, holy cow. This sounds like poking a wasp's nest with a stick.

[truncated]

This sounds weird.

 

I thought that mental health professional were there to do what was best for you, not what is best for someone else they are not treating.

 

Why does whether or not it is fair to your ex mm matter? You are doing what you need to do for you to get mentally healthy and move on.

 

That is what should matter to him.

 

 

As for the "call me if you ever get divorced" piece, why suggest such a silly thing? Why suggest that you leave a small part of your heart and emotions on reserve for this guy instead of moving on to new and better things?

 

It makes zero sense.

[elaine567]

This sounds TERRIBLE to me!!!! It's one thing to say "Call me if you get divorced" if you're in the middle of an affair or just starting NC... but you haven't talked to him in months! IMO, if you told him that it would be a huge ego stroke for him, to think of you sitting there pining away, ready to hop back into his bed as soon as the phone rings...

 

I agree, this man has issues anyway, why on earth would a psychiatrist suggest he contact you when he gets divorced.

 

I do not believe in revisiting failed relationships and I especially do not believe anyone should revisit dysfunctional relationships like this one was.

Waiting for that potential "I am divorced" phone-call would be highly unsettling for you too.

Move away and maintain NC will mean you heal quicker and leave less baggage for you to bring to a new relationship.

[amaysngrace]

This just doesn't make sense to me for any relationship ... If I break up with someone in a toxic relationship because they are a drug addict, would it make sense to return months later to say "By the way, if you ever get off the drugs I'll take you back?" Just move on, holy cow. This sounds like poking a wasp's nest with a stick.

 

I think it boils down to boundaries, forgiveness and empowerment.

 

I'm sorry if that doesn't make sense to you.

[Confused48]

I can't believe a trained professional, much less an MD Psychiatrist, would give such advice. I guess there are bad apples in every profession.

 

In addition to this "professional" stepping over some serious boundaries and being intrusive in your autonomy as a person, I think to say, "Call me if you are D" sounds pathetic and needy. Do you really want to leave this guy with the impression that you will be sitting by the phone just hoping that he will D and call you? Sure, if you want to leave him thinking he is really unforgettable and irreplaceable, that would be the best way to do that.

[Minnie09]

We dont know what solo told the shrink and how she presented the whole story to them. She may have led the conversation into that very direction - I need closure. The shrink will then respond accordingly.

[anika99]

I agree with everyone saying don't do it. A psychiatrist doesn't necessarily understand the addictive nature of affairs and how easily one can be sucked back in or have their feelings destroyed all over again. If you stopped smoking two months ago and you told your psychiatrist that you were having a hard time and missing your cigarettes, he wouldn't tell you to have one more smoke for closure.

 

 

Also why does he care about MM's feelings and what is fair to him? MM is not his patient, you are and he should be looking out for what is fair and best for you. You can't put total trust and faith in what a person says and follow their instructions without question just because they may have more education or more credentials than you. I think the OW on this forum understand affairs and their toxic nature a lot more than your psychiatrist does.

[Minnie09]

I agree with everyone saying don't do it. A psychiatrist doesn't necessarily understand the addictive nature of affairs and how easily one can be sucked back in or have their feelings destroyed all over again. If you stopped smoking two months ago and you told your psychiatrist that you were having a hard time and missing your cigarettes, he wouldn't tell you to have one more smoke for closure.

 

 

Also why does he care about MM's feelings and what is fair to him? MM is not his patient, you are and he should be looking out for what is fair and best for you. You can't put total trust and faith in what a person says and follow their instructions without question just because they may have more education or more credentials than you. I think the OW on this forum understand affairs and their toxic nature a lot more than your psychiatrist does.

 

Exactly. Shrinks are not automatically affair experts. They respond to the patient's immediate needs.

[amaysngrace]

I think the OW on this forum understand affairs and their toxic nature a lot more than your psychiatrist does.

 

Actually anybody who decides to engage in toxic behaviors isn't in the best place mentally.

 

Just saying.

[anika99]

Actually anybody who decides to engage in toxic behaviors isn't in the best place mentally.

 

Just saying.

 

I agree with you. How does that negate anything I said or any of the advice in this thread?

 

 

Ohhhh... I think I get it. You are saying that the OP shouldn't listen to the OW on this thread because they are in toxic relationships and therefore not mentally healthy? Well I 'm not an OW and some of the OW who have responded are no longer in their affairs and the fact that they have lived it and gone through the exact same feelings and thoughts that the OP is going through might mean they have a deeper understanding of her than the OP's psychiatrist does.

 

 

While I have not been in an affair, I have gone through painful endings and I know that nothing good ever comes from meeting up for that last goodbye. It either ends up leading to restarting the relationship or reopening the wound and causing more pain. Especially at only 2 months out.

[elaine567]

While I have not been in an affair, I have gone through painful endings and I know that nothing good ever comes from meeting up for that last goodbye. It either ends up leading to restarting the relationship or reopening the wound and causing more pain. Especially at only 2 months out.

 

I am not an OW and have not been in an affair either, but like Anika I have had my heart broken a few times and I agree, nothing good comes of reopening old wounds and keeping hope alive, when it is obviously hopeless.

I learned that pretty early on.

 

It seems to me that many affairs by their very nature are off and on relationships, and an OW (who is in love), is caught up in this push pull arrangement and it messes with her head.

The OP here has made a positive decision to cut contact and leave.

 

I think for her to gain closure by contacting the MM, may mean she is going to get trapped again. She is going to be persuaded, going to be sweet talked, future faked and be exposed to all the other MM tricks that keep many OWs on board.

[whatatangledweb]

Solo, if you do this you will fall right back into it like you did the last time. Just go and don't contact him. It is what is best for you. He is an addiction to you and one hit of it and all your hard work is gone. Just like if you take another drink. Please don't do it.

 

When are you moving? Is this the job by your son?