amaysngrace Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 While I have not been in an affair, I have gone through painful endings and I know that nothing good ever comes from meeting up for that last goodbye. It either ends up leading to restarting the relationship or reopening the wound and causing more pain. Especially at only 2 months out. I've never been in an affair either but the OP is seeing a psychiatrist who probably deals with more than just how her affair has affected her. Personal boundaries possibly being one of them. Do I believe it's his stock answer for every person in her shoes? No. It's probably tailored to her needs based on him forming an educated understanding of her on a more personal level. It's not one size fits all. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 He said I should have one last meeting with MM for "closure" and to tell him to call me if he ever got divorced. He didn't think it would be fair to ex MM to just disappear since our affair was over two years long. He said he thought MM would be shocked that I am moving. Thoughts? This kind of affirmative statement sounds out of place for a competent mental health professional. Instead, a question can be posed, perhaps a two parter: "How do you feel about a final meeting to say goodbye? Would that help you with closure?" "Why?" In general, I'd be interested in how you accept unfinished business and how that dynamic is defined for you. If you are customarily accepting what I like to term 'loose ends' and going NC without tying those up, then unfinished business and feeling healthy about it has traction for you. OTOH, if you hang on to the loose ends and ruminate over them in your mind, with or without emotional content, then perhaps that should be examined in more detail, absent the particulars of the affair. This area of unfinished business and acceptance was one I worked in MC during my own A. Interesting stuff. Good luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 my psychiatrist said I should have one last meeting with MM for "closure" and to tell him to call me if he ever got divorced. He didn't think it would be fair to ex MM to just disappear since our affair was over two years long. He said he thought MM would be shocked that I am moving. Thoughts? I think your shrink is a moron who ought to be reported to the licensing bureau. You owe a MM nothing. To even suggest that you tell somebody who doesn't value you that he would be welcome back in your life is professional malpractice. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Another "no" vote here. You've already accomplished the Herculean task of going NC. You have 2 months under your belt. Two precious months of healing, introspection, and progress. Don't give those away. If he gets divorced someday, and he wants to begin a relationship with you again, he will find you. In 2015, we are all just a quick Google away. It's wonderful to have a fresh start. Keep your chin up and your eyes forward. Leave xMM in the rear view mirror. Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Curious as to why you say that mini? basically, i agree with another poster saying the same thing - closure + boundaries + empowerement. i think closure is good & i think this meeting might help the OP kind of... officially put some boundaries and rules of her own on the relationship. i don't agree with her therapist saying that she should do it because her MM deserves it, she owes it to him (she owes nothing to him) - but i see it as something that she could benefit from. just one final meeting, setting up the boundaries, closing that relationship with the firm rule + moving on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 So I have been NC with ex-mm since Jan. 26th. I am getting ready to move for a new job in a different province. This week I saw my psychiatrist for the last time. We talked about ex MM and I told him my plan was to just move without telling exMM anything. He could hear it through the grapevine. He said I should have one last meeting with MM for "closure" and to tell him to call me if he ever got divorced. He didn't think it would be fair to ex MM to just disappear since our affair was over two years long. He said he thought MM would be shocked that I am moving. Thoughts? Your psychiatrist is full of crap and has advised you to do the worse possible thing for yourself! He doesn't see just how unhealthy and fuc.ked up your affair has been and how damaging it was to you? WTF. DO NOT take his advice. Move and start fresh. Continue with NC. You owe the exMM nothing. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author solostand Posted March 27, 2015 Author Share Posted March 27, 2015 I tend to agree with all you guys. It would set me back. Just to defend my shrink a bit, he did say "Tell him to contact you when he is divorced and IF you are still available you MAY be interested in a relationship". The psychiatrist has been privy to the affair for the whole two years and has always told me MM will not leave his wife, so its kind of a no brainer. Link to post Share on other sites
Cali408 Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 First. Fire your shrink. That's the best closure you can have Second best is closing the door to your old house and moving on and away with your life Good Luck!!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 I tend to agree with all you guys. It would set me back. Just to defend my shrink a bit, he did say "Tell him to contact you when he is divorced and IF you are still available you MAY be interested in a relationship". The psychiatrist has been privy to the affair for the whole two years and has always told me MM will not leave his wife, so its kind of a no brainer. These statements contradict themselves. And I can't see any reason to justify MM contacting you IF he gets divorced (past tense). He's always been selfish and self centered. No reason to believe he will put you first just because he divorces - odds are that he would just get several other women lined up and continue his cheating pattern. Are you sure you heard the counselor correctly? Were those his exact words? It is none of MM business what you do or don't do. That counselor should be helping you take your power back - not handing MM more of it. Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 I'm in complete disbelief! That is crazy! How in the work could that help you? Take your power back and get your closure with positive action, not words! So he tells you MM is never leaving, then tells you to ask him to contact you if he ever does?? Doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Move in with your life, IF he left his wife, he's still toxic to you. Wouldn't change the dynamics one bit. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 I tend to agree with all you guys. It would set me back. Just to defend my shrink a bit, he did say "Tell him to contact you when he is divorced and IF you are still available you MAY be interested in a relationship". The psychiatrist has been privy to the affair for the whole two years and has always told me MM will not leave his wife, so its kind of a no brainer. Has your shrink forgotten about the unhealthy dynamic you two had? How toxic you were together? Such horrible advice from him. Fact that he said this (bolded) just shows he doesn't get it. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Does your Dr understand how you were participating in meetings? So much so that you went to meetings to see MM, flirt with MM? Thus forfeiting the possibility of getting well? Your motive wasn't true to the nature of what was offered in those meetings because you were distracted by your MM. The primary purpose of getting help there was roadblocked by him. And your counselor thinks you owe this man anything? No, you really don't. You owe YOURSELF much more than any of that nonsense. Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Just to defend my shrink a bit, he did say "Tell him to contact you when he is divorced and IF you are still available you MAY be interested in a relationship". Unless you told him that's what you wanted, WHY ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH would he give you this advice? It seems you're finally ready to move on to something healthier. How is it even a professionals place to, in effect, tell YOU what YOU may be interested in? It sounds like the advice of a meddling friend who feeds off someone else's drama. Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenPrincess Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Solo is that what he told you to say if you hear from xMM or did he also actually suggest that YOU initiate contact and tell him that? Either way, terrible advice but didn't this shrink also recommend that you lean on xMM, knowing he was your affair partner, as your primary coping mechanism for your severe seasonal depression? I don't know if he's just a terrible psychiatrist or if you're only hearing what you want to hear. Regardless, do not break NC. You've worked hard for two months to get to a healthier place. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author solostand Posted March 28, 2015 Author Share Posted March 28, 2015 Actually I told him that I planned to move without telling xMM. He told me I should tell him, say good-bye, and then have no more contact unless MM was divorced. I agree it would set me back. I also think I would end up in bed with him, which is not what I want. Its hard enough as it is. I plan to move and hopefully, in time, meet someone who is available and can love me freely. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 I find it incredible that your doctor would suggest that. If you are NC and determined to move onto a different life, why would your care about what your MM feels? How is he going to find out you are gone? Do yourself a favour and just go. Sack your doctor before you go though. Hope your new beginning will be all you wish for. Poppy. Link to post Share on other sites
cozycottagelg Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 You don't owe MM a proper goodbye. Hang in there. Congratulations on the new job! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author solostand Posted March 31, 2015 Author Share Posted March 31, 2015 As I said before I will get a perverse pleasure letting ex-MM hear it through the Grapevine. He had me so dependent on him he probably won't believe it. And I'll be seven hours away! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 (edited) I think your plan to just disappear is the best one. Sometimes, shrinks get too caught up in things and end up transferring their feelings onto their patients. When I was in the midst of leaving my now ex husband, I agreed to counseling hoping it would open his eyes and help him accept that our marriage was over. By that time, I had given the marriage many chances and I was done. The therapist listened to us and then talked to me alone. She told me that I had a good husband and that I was going to regret leaving him. I later asked someone about this therapist because she knew nothing about my husband. The person told me that she had left her spouse years before and she completely regretted it because she had made a rash decision. Well, I knew my decision was anything but rash and, to this day, I don't regret leaving my marriage. My point is, there are a lot of therapists out there who can't separate their lives from their patients'. I think your therapist could be in the midst of an affair and is thinking about how he would feel instead of thinking about what's best for you. Therapists are just as flawed as anyone else and no one should take advice that goes against what they believe is best for them. You don't owe a single thing to xMM. This fact becomes more and more clear to me about my own situation as time goes by. You owe him nothing. He was lucky to have had you. Edited April 1, 2015 by bathtub-row Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyRock Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 It may not be fair to exmm but contacting him sure as hell won't be fair to his wife. Interesting shrink didn't think of that part. Beside you know she is just waiting for you to try and call. She would probably answer anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Author solostand Posted April 1, 2015 Author Share Posted April 1, 2015 Well the shrink was there through the whole affair and now that I think of it, he seemed very interested in hearing the details about it. He honestly believed exMM loved me, he said he wouldn't be taking the chances he was taking if he didn't. But I have now "graduated" from my shrink and don't need a shrink anymore. He gave me a hug good-bye. My worry now is that exMM is back from his two month winter sojourn this week and will try to contact me. This is causing anxiety because I am still here for a week and a half. Link to post Share on other sites
blue963 Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 (edited) He maybe looking at the contact as if he were the MM and what he would want personally. You need to stick to no contact for you. All mental health professionals have their own filters and their own lives sometimes do filter into their counseling. It takes a very grounded person to keep their own crap out of their advice. Edited April 1, 2015 by blue963 Link to post Share on other sites
Author solostand Posted April 1, 2015 Author Share Posted April 1, 2015 Contact would set me back substantially. I need to look forward, not back! I have come far where I don't think of him all the time and am coming out of the fog. I've already signed up to a dating site in my new location and am getting lots of interest! Link to post Share on other sites
whatatangledweb Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 Block his number solo and don't open your door. You can and should avoid him. Please stay strong. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 Well the shrink was there through the whole affair and now that I think of it, he seemed very interested in hearing the details about it. He honestly believed exMM loved me, he said he wouldn't be taking the chances he was taking if he didn't. But I have now "graduated" from my shrink and don't need a shrink anymore. He gave me a hug good-bye. My worry now is that exMM is back from his two month winter sojourn this week and will try to contact me. This is causing anxiety because I am still here for a week and a half. So you're having anxiety over the possibility of contact from exMM but have graduated from your doctor? Mmmm...okay.... I'd still take his advice. Otherwise what exactly did you pay him for if you weren't going to heed his recommendation? Sounds a bit foolish to me. Link to post Share on other sites
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