What my psychiatrist said (Updated)

[whichwayisup]

Good.

 

Let him hear through the 'grapevine' that you have moved away.

 

Who is the grapevine? Mutual friends or did you do some digging? Just curious.

[beach]

So I found out through the grapevine that he won't be back until the day I move, so unless we pass each other on the highway there will be no chance to meet.

 

I am moving on with my life.

 

A gift from the universe!!!

[jellybean89]

I do understand the argument, and of course can't know for sure if I'm offering terrible advice. But my gut says don't leave this kind of unfinished business. I think Solostand has what she needs to find closure on the loss of the relationship but to me disappearing is opening up a whole new front in ties that bind. It's avoidable. They had an intense two year relationship that ended just weeks ago and if this was a non-affair relationship it would be strange and cruel to not tell the man she was moving out of town.

 

I think it would benefit her in two clear ways. First, it's just the right thing to do. LS is full of histories of pain and confusion when people disappear in one way or another. Its just unkind and unworthy of anyboy with any degree of maturity and empathy. This man may be a total asshat, but she can walk her own system of ethics regardless. Second, the whole thing has been unusually drama infested. If you want to start a new life that is grounded and drama free, it would benefit you to stop doing dramatic things. Disappearing without a word to a recent love and admittedly gleefully imaging the aftermath is a small, unnecessary dramatic thing.

 

She doesn't have to open a dialogue, just relay a bit of information and end the relationship properly from a clear headed place. Running off simply leaves loose ends to get tangled up in again.

 

I'm sorry but in my view, this is the worst advice ever! The last thing she needs is a discussion with him. She's not been strong enough to not fall back I to bed with him. Heck, she broke her sobriety because of him and the drama!

 

Additionally, it ended months ago, not a couple weeks ago.

 

He is not worth her emotional stability. He is not worth her changing her mind to stay and be his f buddy.

 

She won't ever run into him again. There is no worry of that. The best thing she can - and is doing - is leaving. She can start a new life for herself.

 

Seeing him to talk would destroy all the strength she has gained and is a HORRIBLE idea.

[solostand]

I won't be seeing him and there is NO WAY in a million years I would stay to be his f-buddy!!!

 

I do feel a sense of unfinished business if I'm honest but that unfinished business is inside me - he can't solve it only I can.

 

It is better this way and every day I feel stronger.

[81West]

I'm sorry but in my view, this is the worst advice ever! The last thing she needs is a discussion with him. She's not been strong enough to not fall back I to bed with him. Heck, she broke her sobriety because of him and the drama!

 

Additionally, it ended months ago, not a couple weeks ago.

 

He is not worth her emotional stability. He is not worth her changing her mind to stay and be his f buddy.

 

She won't ever run into him again. There is no worry of that. The best thing she can - and is doing - is leaving. She can start a new life for herself.

 

Seeing him to talk would destroy all the strength she has gained and is a HORRIBLE idea.

 

I didn't suggest she see him, I suggested she write him. Calling him would have been fine as well. Unfinished business haunts everybody involved. I still think its the right thing to do for her own mental and emotional health, but I wish her only the very best with the decisions as they stand.

[solostand]

Today I listened to a tape I had recorded (accidentaly) with MM.

 

I heard him saying his wife was nice, she was a good person, and he was trying to stop his feelings for me before his heart. He gestured above his heart.

He also spent a lot of time discussing normal crap like his oil light had come on.

 

It made me realize I was just another OW with a cake eater.

 

I can't believe I loved this man.

[GoldieLox]

If he was trying to stop his feelings for you, he should have walked away when he realized they were developing. You know what mine said to me when he caught feelings? He told me he had never been a real casual dater... So I looked him in the eye and asked, "then why would you do this?" And he didn't have a good answer (this started out as no feelings on my part).

 

These guys don't think sometimes. As MOW and OW we obviously don't think either but on two completely different levels.

[jellybean89]

Delete it a Solo. Delet all recordings and texts. Stop torturing yourself.

[Rainbow00]

That's great you feel this way instead of desperately missing him. Now delete!

[solostand]

It was an eye-opener for sure. Especially my side of the conversation. Basically telling him he loved me.

[BrokenPrincess]

Solo how were you always accidentally recording this guy? Didn't you also record the convo when he was talking about some vile act to humiliate his wife or something? I would listen to that one instead

 

I am SO happy that you got the job & have stayed NC & will be getting a fresh start soon. You're getting yourself to a better place--now delete those recordings & keep yourself moving down this path toward a happier place. Best of luck, you can do it :bunny:

[solostand]

So my departure got delayed until tomorrow. ExMM arrived home Saturday and called. He had already heard I was moving. We made plans to meet this morning to say good-bye.

 

Just as an aside, he told me his whole vacation his BS ranted and raved about me and threatened et cetera. She was busy looking up phone records and the like. This morning, I thought I would be smart and call his truck phone to confirm the time, because she does not have access to the truck phone records. I got his son. Apparently they had traded trucks. I was totally taken off guard. His son asked who was calling and I stupidly said Solostand. Since BS has involved the whole family in this affair, she probably knows by now.

 

Anyway, exMM came around and actually it was nice. It was closure. We had a really good talk. I told him if he's ever single to look me up and if I am available I will consider it. His BS phoned in the middle of our meeting and he said she was calling to find out if he was with me. He lied and said he was at Walmart. We did make love. He talked so lovingly about his grandson and said he didn't want to lose access to him (his grandson is eight months old, before he was born he said he didn't like babies much, lol).

 

But I don't feel like it was a step back - I actually feel that it was nice to say good-bye.

[Bittersweetie]

Hi Solo, I've read all your threads, and felt proud of you (as much as an anonymous internet person can) as you've grown in these past couple of months, getting a new job, planning a fresh start.

 

But...really? Making love is a nice way to say goodbye? I'm sorry, but to me that says..."Hey, I said call me if you're ever available, but I'll still sleep with you anyway, regardless." Ugh.

 

 

 

Still, I am so glad you are getting away from this poisonous man. Good luck.

[Lurkeraspect]

I was really hopeful for you, but your update isn't surprising. Just one more FU to his BS. Ugh.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

All this for nothing. It was a step back. I guess you should ring your therapist and say that you took his/her advice. Nothing has changed.

[81West]

So my departure got delayed until tomorrow. ExMM arrived home Saturday and called. He had already heard I was moving. We made plans to meet this morning to say good-bye.

 

Just as an aside, he told me his whole vacation his BS ranted and raved about me and threatened et cetera. She was busy looking up phone records and the like. This morning, I thought I would be smart and call his truck phone to confirm the time, because she does not have access to the truck phone records. I got his son. Apparently they had traded trucks. I was totally taken off guard. His son asked who was calling and I stupidly said Solostand. Since BS has involved the whole family in this affair, she probably knows by now.

 

Anyway, exMM came around and actually it was nice. It was closure. We had a really good talk. I told him if he's ever single to look me up and if I am available I will consider it. His BS phoned in the middle of our meeting and he said she was calling to find out if he was with me. He lied and said he was at Walmart. We did make love. He talked so lovingly about his grandson and said he didn't want to lose access to him (his grandson is eight months old, before he was born he said he didn't like babies much, lol).

 

But I don't feel like it was a step back - I actually feel that it was nice to say good-bye.

 

I would have skipped the screwing, but other than that I really do think this formal closure and ending gives you the best chance to truly move on and sidestep all kinds of mental and emotional ping pong you would have created for yourself in your new place had you just left. I agree that it doesn't have to be a step back, but it's important to hold on to it as an ending and a chapter that had to be over for your sake. Please just seal it all off now and don't crawl back into the drama for any reason.

Edited April 13, 2015 by 81West

[Hope Shimmers]

So my departure got delayed until tomorrow. ExMM arrived home Saturday and called. He had already heard I was moving. We made plans to meet this morning to say good-bye.

 

Just as an aside, he told me his whole vacation his BS ranted and raved about me and threatened et cetera. She was busy looking up phone records and the like. This morning, I thought I would be smart and call his truck phone to confirm the time, because she does not have access to the truck phone records. I got his son. Apparently they had traded trucks. I was totally taken off guard. His son asked who was calling and I stupidly said Solostand. Since BS has involved the whole family in this affair, she probably knows by now.

 

Anyway, exMM came around and actually it was nice. It was closure. We had a really good talk. I told him if he's ever single to look me up and if I am available I will consider it. His BS phoned in the middle of our meeting and he said she was calling to find out if he was with me. He lied and said he was at Walmart. We did make love. He talked so lovingly about his grandson and said he didn't want to lose access to him (his grandson is eight months old, before he was born he said he didn't like babies much, lol).

 

But I don't feel like it was a step back - I actually feel that it was nice to say good-bye.

 

Your departure conveniently "got delayed". Right.

 

I very strongly suspected, when you made the post before about how he was coming home the same day you were leaving (so you would not see him), that somehow - conveniently - your departure would get delayed. I was hoping that you would actually prove me wrong, but I'm not surprised.

Edited April 13, 2015 by Hope Shimmers

[GollumsNightmare]

That is disgusting. After all the horrible things he has done to you and his BS, not to mention the times you actively participated in hurting the spouse, you still talk about her as if SHE is the one who has all the problems. :sick:

[whichwayisup]

So my departure got delayed until tomorrow. ExMM arrived home Saturday and called. He had already heard I was moving. We made plans to meet this morning to say good-bye.

 

Just as an aside, he told me his whole vacation his BS ranted and raved about me and threatened et cetera. She was busy looking up phone records and the like. This morning, I thought I would be smart and call his truck phone to confirm the time, because she does not have access to the truck phone records. I got his son. Apparently they had traded trucks. I was totally taken off guard. His son asked who was calling and I stupidly said Solostand. Since BS has involved the whole family in this affair, she probably knows by now.

 

Anyway, exMM came around and actually it was nice. It was closure. We had a really good talk. I told him if he's ever single to look me up and if I am available I will consider it. His BS phoned in the middle of our meeting and he said she was calling to find out if he was with me. He lied and said he was at Walmart. We did make love. He talked so lovingly about his grandson and said he didn't want to lose access to him (his grandson is eight months old, before he was born he said he didn't like babies much, lol).

 

But I don't feel like it was a step back - I actually feel that it was nice to say good-bye.

 

Sorry to say this, but all you did is invite drama back into your life. This is far from over, I doubt very much you're going to go NC with him, in fact I bet it won't be long before he takes a 'business' trip (tells his wife that) and comes to see you after you move. Though I HOPE I'm wrong about this and NC will stick.

 

Bolded - Wish you hadn't said that, it keeps the door open.

 

And you must have known by saying your name to his son it would get back to his wife. That was a PA move on your behalf, kind of stick it to her one last time. Of course now there are issues at home he has to deal with hence the phone call and son answering.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Sorry to say this, but all you did is invite drama back into your life. This is far from over, I doubt very much you're going to go NC with him, in fact I bet it won't be long before he takes a 'business' trip (tells his wife that) and comes to see you after you move. Though I HOPE I'm wrong about this and NC will stick.

 

Bolded - Wish you hadn't said that, it keeps the door open.

 

And you must have known by saying your name to his son it would get back to his wife. That was a PA move on your behalf, kind of stick it to her one last time. Of course now there are issues at home he has to deal with hence the phone call and son answering.

 

I think it's been the plan all along. I for one don't believe her Psychiatrist told her to do any such thing. It's been her plan all along. I'll bet she's played it in her head over and over. Of course she told the son who she was, of course they slept together. Personalities that thrive on drama don't just give that up.

[beach]

Things won't change until you change them Solo...

 

You may move - and I hope you can let this be your "past".

 

The way it reads - you let "yourself down" - there was no reason to take his call, see him and have sex with him.

 

I was hopeful you were moving forward - but this isn't forward...this is you disrespecting yourself.

 

I hope you can change.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Solost.....

 

It is apparent from reading everything that you have posted about your life....this is just a continuation of how you have lived your whole adult life.

 

I disagree with the poster who said this "closure" was a PA move towards the BS. It was full on AGGRESSIVE-AGGRESSIVE.

 

Have you ever questioned yourself on why you have treated so many people in your life so poorly? From all that you have posted on LS, the list of people seems quite extensive and all inclusive. There also seems to be a pattern of blaming others/circumstance.

[Mount]

Ha.... what a "surprise", here we go again.

 

People don't change.

 

So my departure got delayed until tomorrow. ExMM arrived home Saturday and called. He had already heard I was moving. We made plans to meet this morning to say good-bye.

 

Just as an aside, he told me his whole vacation his BS ranted and raved about me and threatened et cetera. She was busy looking up phone records and the like. This morning, I thought I would be smart and call his truck phone to confirm the time, because she does not have access to the truck phone records. I got his son. Apparently they had traded trucks. I was totally taken off guard. His son asked who was calling and I stupidly said Solostand. Since BS has involved the whole family in this affair, she probably knows by now.

 

Anyway, exMM came around and actually it was nice. It was closure. We had a really good talk. I told him if he's ever single to look me up and if I am available I will consider it. His BS phoned in the middle of our meeting and he said she was calling to find out if he was with me. He lied and said he was at Walmart. We did make love. He talked so lovingly about his grandson and said he didn't want to lose access to him (his grandson is eight months old, before he was born he said he didn't like babies much, lol).

 

But I don't feel like it was a step back - I actually feel that it was nice to say good-bye.

[Lurkeraspect]

Ha.... what a "surprise", here we go again.

 

People don't change.

 

It's really hard (in your situation) not to agree with this.

 

I truly don't know what anyone can tell you that you'd listen to. I think in 5 years you'll be posting about an almost 80 year old man that you just can't let go of, who is still gas lighting his equally ancient wife. Yet, you'll think its cute and endearing, blowing whatever few years of supposed youth you have. For what? A romp in his old Ford truck.

 

Perhaps, it's just time to accept that he's all your worth, and what you feel is all that's worthy of you. Yep, it's sad, but there isn't anything some internet stranger is going to say to change your mind. So sad.

Edited April 14, 2015 by Lurkeraspect

[Hope Shimmers]

It's really hard (in your situation) not to agree with this.

 

I truly don't know what anyone can tell you that you'd listen to. I think in 5 years you'll be posting about an almost 80 year old man that you just can't let go of, who is still gas lighting his equally ancient wife. Yet, you'll think its cute and endearing, blowing whatever few years of supposed youth you have. For what? A romp in his old Ford truck.

 

Perhaps, it's just time to accept that he's all your worth, and what you feel is all that's worthy of you. Yep, it's sad, but there isn't anything some internet stranger is going to say to change your mind. So sad.

 

Well, I'm going to try, one last time.

 

Solo, is that your photo in your avatar? If so, you are an incredibly beautiful, young woman. And you are WASTING your life on some old lying, cheating man. Why? WHY!?!

 

When (not if, but when) you finally get over your addiction to this old man, you will wonder where your life went. You will lament the fact that you lost so much of your youth on this idiot. Take it from me.

 

What's done is done. So please make this a clean break from him, and start your life over now! You have an opportunity I would give my right arm for. Make the most of it. If you waste your time in this new life thinking about this old grandpa, I promise you that you will live to regret it. Don't do it. This is your only life. Don't hand it to him while you continue to waste away. It only gets worse.

 

Time flies. Don't suddenly be 20 years older, with no hope for a marriage or family, and still connected to this old man. Just don't.