What my psychiatrist said (Updated)

[Lurkeraspect]

Well, I'm going to try, one last time.

 

Solo, is that your photo in your avatar? If so, you are an incredibly beautiful, young woman. And you are WASTING your life on some old lying, cheating man. Why? WHY!?!

 

When (not if, but when) you finally get over your addiction to this old man, you will wonder where your life went. You will lament the fact that you lost so much of your youth on this idiot. Take it from me.

 

What's done is done. So please make this a clean break from him, and start your life over now! You have an opportunity I would give my right arm for. Make the most of it. If you waste your time in this new life thinking about this old grandpa, I promise you that you will live to regret it. Don't do it. This is your only life. Don't hand it to him while you continue to waste away. It only gets worse.

 

Time flies. Don't suddenly be 20 years older, with no hope for a marriage or family, and still connected to this old man. Just don't.

 

I agree with you Hope, except, that Solo isn't some young, naive girl. Best I can tell she's in her early 50's. I think she's somehow reconciled her life to be okay with an old man. She's given up, hence my last post. Appears that's all she wants. Sloppy (albeit old) seconds...

[Hope Shimmers]

I agree with you Hope, except, that Solo isn't some young, naive girl. Best I can tell she's in her early 50's. I think she's somehow reconciled her life to be okay with an old man. She's given up, hence my last post. Appears that's all she wants. Sloppy (albeit old) seconds...

 

Okay, thank you, then I mixed her up with someone else, and her avatar isn't her.

 

Still the same message. Nothing is going to change unless she does.

[solostand]

Yes that is me in my avatar. And no, I don't plan to pine away for exMM. I feel closure. And I'm moving six hours away - there's no way this relationship could continue anyway. And no, despite everyone's fervent beliefs, I did not plan it this way. I was supposed to leave on Saturday but something serious came up that absolutely prevented me from leaving until today - it had absolutely nothing to do with him.

 

It's over and I feel peace with that.

 

I was afraid to even post the update because I knew I'd get trounced, but I am trying to be honest here.

 

And this may sound defensive, but he is not exactly geriatric. He's 66 but looks in his 50's, he's not 97.

[Poppy47]

Well the shrink was there through the whole affair and now that I think of it, he seemed very interested in hearing the details about it.

 

He honestly believed exMM loved me, he said he wouldn't be taking the chances he was taking if he didn't.

 

But I have now "graduated" from my shrink and don't need a shrink anymore. He gave me a hug good-bye.

 

My worry now is that exMM is back from his two month winter sojourn this week and will try to contact me. This is causing anxiety because I am still here for a week and a half.

 

How the hell would your shrink know what MM thought or felt... it is pure supposition unless he has consulted with him.

Follow your gut feelings. Just go and make a new life.

Poppy.

[81West]

I think people need to wait to see how this plays out before being so hard on the OP. I understand the criticisms regarding causing further pain to the BS but I don't understand the fervency of the criticisms for meeting with him to end it. This is the last section on LS where there should be a lack of understanding that affairs are very, very real relationships and need very real, very clear endings consistent with the nature and depth of the relationship to not haunt those involved in them. This relationship and others like it need real closure, which cannot effectively come in the emotional storms around D-Day and cannot easily come unilaterally. I don't know how this will turn out now, but I've consistently said it would have been a mess in her heart and mind had it not happened. Cut her a break until there's truly a new bad decision, and let's all hope for her there's not.

[adna89]

Yes that is me in my avatar. And no, I don't plan to pine away for exMM. I feel closure. And I'm moving six hours away - there's no way this relationship could continue anyway. And no, despite everyone's fervent beliefs, I did not plan it this way. I was supposed to leave on Saturday but something serious came up that absolutely prevented me from leaving until today - it had absolutely nothing to do with him.

 

It's over and I feel peace with that.

 

I was afraid to even post the update because I knew I'd get trounced, but I am trying to be honest here.

 

And this may sound defensive, but he is not exactly geriatric. He's 66 but looks in his 50's, he's not 97.

 

Are you in your 50s?

 

Gosh,the guy is soon 70 ,people die of natural causes in that age(or as my grandma would say "his one foot is already in the grave") and he is cheating on his wife...he has no morals

Edited April 14, 2015 by adna89

[Realist3]

Yes that is me in my avatar. And no, I don't plan to pine away for exMM. I feel closure. And I'm moving six hours away - there's no way this relationship could continue anyway. And no, despite everyone's fervent beliefs, I did not plan it this way. I was supposed to leave on Saturday but something serious came up that absolutely prevented me from leaving until today - it had absolutely nothing to do with him.

 

It's over and I feel peace with that.

 

I was afraid to even post the update because I knew I'd get trounced, but I am trying to be honest here.

 

And this may sound defensive, but he is not exactly geriatric. He's 66 but looks in his 50's, he's not 97.

 

Forget the trouncing. The only person that has to live your life is you. You made a decision. That's it. Hopefully your new opportunity will be a healthy choice. Good luck.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I think people need to wait to see how this plays out before being so hard on the OP. I understand the criticisms regarding causing further pain to the BS but I don't understand the fervency of the criticisms for meeting with him to end it. This is the last section on LS where there should be a lack of understanding that affairs are very, very real relationships and need very real, very clear endings consistent with the nature and depth of the relationship to not haunt those involved in them. This relationship and others like it need real closure, which cannot effectively come in the emotional storms around D-Day and cannot easily come unilaterally. I don't know how this will turn out now, but I've consistently said it would have been a mess in her heart and mind had it not happened. Cut her a break until there's truly a new bad decision, and let's all hope for her there's not.

 

I won't be seeing him and there is NO WAY in a million years I would stay to be his f-buddy!!!

 

I do feel a sense of unfinished business if I'm honest but that unfinished business is inside me - he can't solve it only I can.

 

It is better this way and every day I feel stronger.

 

It really doesn't take a fortune teller to know how this is going to play out.

[Sub]

This:

I can't believe I loved this man.

 

Than this:

I told him if he's ever single to look me up and if I am available I will consider it.

 

Than back to this:

It's over and I feel peace with that.

 

I think you still have a long road ahead of you here. Are you prepared for what happens when he does "look you up"?

[truncated]

Op,

if I am correct and you are form the maritimes, you are wasting your time with the mm.

 

I have lived in several of the Atlantic provinces, and there is a certain mindset in many of the men that they are entitled to cheat, so long as they don't get caught. They also tend not to place a lot of value on women, especially those men form the older generations, and feel that wives should just put up and shut up. This seemed especially true in the seaside towns and cities where having a "port for every storm" is the way many of the older men seem to think. They will say whatever they think a woman wants to hear to keep her as one of these "ports".

 

The younger ones, not so much.

 

They also love gossip and drama as much as any of the local town wags.

 

Best to get as far away from that type of thing as possible. It will drive you crazy otherwise.

[adna89]

He is 66 so I really doubt he will leave at that age

[AlwaysGrowing]

I think people need to wait to see how this plays out before being so hard on the OP. I understand the criticisms regarding causing further pain to the BS but I don't understand the fervency of the criticisms for meeting with him to end it. This is the last section on LS where there should be a lack of understanding that affairs are very, very real relationships and need very real, very clear endings consistent with the nature and depth of the relationship to not haunt those involved in them. This relationship and others like it need real closure, which cannot effectively come in the emotional storms around D-Day and cannot easily come unilaterally. I don't know how this will turn out now, but I've consistently said it would have been a mess in her heart and mind had it not happened. Cut her a break until there's truly a new bad decision, and let's all hope for her there's not.

 

 

If you read all of her posts concerning various other times in her life....you will see that her life appears to be one bad decision after another.

 

You would also note that by her own account (on this thread) her memories/take on events/conversations are not accurate with what was really said. So it would not be a leap at all, that what SoLost says what her mental health professional said/suggested is not at all what happened.

 

It is not lost on me...that your support lies in Solost doing whatever she wants or feels she needs with no regard to others. That only self matters. Sadly, this is exactly how it appears Solost has lived her life thus far. There appears to be a very real and calculating side to Solost. A side that is always positioning itself, a side that spins facts/feelings to serve its purpose. That nothing is done without having a solid plan (creating/using other events to justify its position).

 

No one lives their life 50+ years repeating patterns/events without willing/wanting them to happen.

[81West]

If you read all of her posts concerning various other times in her life....you will see that her life appears to be one bad decision after another.

 

You would also note that by her own account (on this thread) her memories/take on events/conversations are not accurate with what was really said. So it would not be a leap at all, that what SoLost says what her mental health professional said/suggested is not at all what happened.

 

It is not lost on me...that your support lies in Solost doing whatever she wants or feels she needs with no regard to others. That only self matters. Sadly, this is exactly how it appears Solost has lived her life thus far. There appears to be a very real and calculating side to Solost. A side that is always positioning itself, a side that spins facts/feelings to serve its purpose. That nothing is done without having a solid plan (creating/using other events to justify its position).

 

No one lives their life 50+ years repeating patterns/events without willing/wanting them to happen.

 

My support lies in thinking people should do the right thing. Period. As I previously stated I thought it would be potentially cruel to leave without saying anything to a person you'd been in a two year relationship as recently as late January. When people don't do the right thing, it tends to knock around in the head and the heart as unfinished business. No matter how immoral or small any of us see her actions or those of her MM, there was a dynamic between the two of them that existed, was real, had a history and a value . However that dynamic might be judged by others right now or by the OP in the future, it is a present reality and it was better to acknowledge it in ending than to ignore or rewrite it in fleeing. There is a tendency to artificially devalue what we lose or throw away and as we saw with the OPs about face, that makes those thoughts and feelings tenuous and unstable at best.

 

Will she take her small solace and truly move on? I don't know. But I hope so, and I only wish her the best in making better decisions for herself.

Edited April 14, 2015 by 81West

[AlwaysGrowing]

My support lies in thinking people should do the right thing. Period. As I previously stated I thought it would be potentially cruel to leave without saying anything to a person you'd been in a two year relationship as recently as late January. When people don't do the right thing, it tends to knock around in the head and the heart as unfinished business. No matter how immoral or small any of us see her actions or those of her MM, there was a dynamic between the two of them that existed, was real, had a history and a value . However that dynamic might be judged by others right now or by the OP in the future, it is a present reality and it was better to acknowledge it in ending than to ignore or rewrite it in fleeing. There is a tendency to artificially devalue what we lose or throw away and as we saw with the OPs about face, that makes those thoughts and feelings tenuous and unstable at best.

 

Will she take her small solace and truly move on? I don't know. But I hope so, and I only wish her the best in making better decisions for herself.

 

 

I believe that many people (online & RL) have been hoping that Solost would make better decisions for herself.

 

Going back to past behaviours/thought processes/coping skills does not help one with moving forward. It does the opposite. As one can quite clearly read...from no way will I go back to being his f-buddy...to well...we all read it.

 

Closure is overrated. Closure is not an event....it is a process. An internal one.

[Lurkeraspect]

I believe that many people (online & RL) have been hoping that Solost would make better decisions for herself.

 

Going back to past behaviours/thought processes/coping skills does not help one with moving forward. It does the opposite. As one can quite clearly read...from no way will I go back to being his f-buddy...to well...we all read it.

 

Closure is overrated. Closure is not an event....it is a process. An internal one.

 

This is SO true. Solo's quest for "closure" isnt closure at all, just another romp and the continuation of poor boundaries and dysfunction. This story is far from over, unfortunately.

[Sub]

As I previously stated I thought it would be potentially cruel to leave without saying anything to a person you'd been in a two year relationship as recently as late January.

 

I can see the point, even if I don't necessarily agree. But just saying something to gain closure isn't what happened here unfortunately. She slept with him and than told him to look her up if and when he was single. I think we all support her getting closure. The question/concern lies in how she tried to get it.

[81West]

I believe that many people (online & RL) have been hoping that Solost would make better decisions for herself.

 

Going back to past behaviours/thought processes/coping skills does not help one with moving forward. It does the opposite. As one can quite clearly read...from no way will I go back to being his f-buddy...to well...we all read it.

 

Closure is overrated. Closure is not an event....it is a process. An internal one.

 

She said she wouldn't change her plans to move away in order to stay in town to be his f-buddy. That hasn't changed.

 

Closure is a process, but there are choices that can help or hinder that process. Fleeing with an incomplete ending and hoping for some kind of emotional payoff for getting the upper hand was only going to leave questions, self doubt and an inevitable disappointment when she returned to earth. There would have been a strong attendant urge to reach back to find some relief for all that. Now there is no need and nothing in the way of forward motion other than a fading regret that it all couldn't have been different.

[Hope Shimmers]

My support lies in thinking people should do the right thing. Period. As I previously stated I thought it would be potentially cruel to leave without saying anything to a person you'd been in a two year relationship as recently as late January. When people don't do the right thing, it tends to knock around in the head and the heart as unfinished business. No matter how immoral or small any of us see her actions or those of her MM, there was a dynamic between the two of them that existed, was real, had a history and a value . However that dynamic might be judged by others right now or by the OP in the future, it is a present reality and it was better to acknowledge it in ending than to ignore or rewrite it in fleeing. There is a tendency to artificially devalue what we lose or throw away and as we saw with the OPs about face, that makes those thoughts and feelings tenuous and unstable at best.

 

From the famous Merriam-Webster:

 

closure: a feeling that a bad experience (such as a divorce or the death of a family member) has ended and that you can start to live again in a calm and normal way

 

Note it says a "feeling". That feeling comes from only one place - it comes from within self. Nowhere does it say that closure requires an outside party or source for it to exist. It is a decision to move on that comes from within.

 

Most people on this board say they want 'closure' but what they really mean is 'validation'. They want to know that they mattered to the AP. And/or, they want information as to why they were treated as they were, why certain things happened, etc.

 

I could wonder and question my ex-MM - aka d*ckhead - until pigs fly. I will never get an answer as to why he did some of the stupid, hurtful, and outrageously unforgivable things he did. I could ask him if he cared about me. I might get an answer, and that answer might be true or not. Does it matter? No.

 

Closure.

[AlwaysGrowing]

She said she wouldn't change her plans to move away in order to stay in town to be his f-buddy. That hasn't changed.

 

Closure is a process, but there are choices that can help or hinder that process. Fleeing with an incomplete ending and hoping for some kind of emotional payoff for getting the upper hand was only going to leave questions, self doubt and an inevitable disappointment when she returned to earth. There would have been a strong attendant urge to reach back to find some relief for all that. Now there is no need and nothing in the way of forward motion other than a fading regret that it all couldn't have been different.

 

 

I fail to see how hooking up one more time completes the ending. Now, getting some kind of emotional payoff for getting some perceived upper hand is exactly what this "closure" was all about. Reaching back for relief for self doubt, self worth, validation, disappointment.....again is exactly what this "closure" was all about.

 

At least that is how I see it.

[81West]

From the famous Merriam-Webster:

 

closure: a feeling that a bad experience (such as a divorce or the death of a family member) has ended and that you can start to live again in a calm and normal way

 

Note it says a "feeling". That feeling comes from only one place - it comes from within self. Nowhere does it say that closure requires an outside party or source for it to exist. It is a decision to move on that comes from within.

 

Most people on this board say they want 'closure' but what they really mean is 'validation'. They want to know that they mattered to the AP. And/or, they want information as to why they were treated as they were, why certain things happened, etc.

 

I could wonder and question my ex-MM - aka d*ckhead - until pigs fly. I will never get an answer as to why he did some of the stupid, hurtful, and outrageously unforgivable things he did. I could ask him if he cared about me. I might get an answer, and that answer might be true or not. Does it matter? No.

 

Closure.

 

As Miriam Webster points out it's "a" feeling, not "Hope Shimmers'" feeling, you know? It's an individual feeling and not one of us here can dictate anything but subjectively. All any of us can do is offer our instincts based on experience and the specifics of the poster's circumstance. And from my perspective the very last thing this particular poster and this particular circumstance needed was a whole new front on drama in running off and wondering what he was thinking about all of it. She's said goodbye, fed her ego some and has a more positive sense of her worth to him, whatever we think of that. I think this is HER best chance to move forward and the best version of closure for HER within the realities of the limits that her particular weakness set right now.

[81West]

I fail to see how hooking up one more time completes the ending. Now, getting some kind of emotional payoff for getting some perceived upper hand is exactly what this "closure" was all about. Reaching back for relief for self doubt, self worth, validation, disappointment.....again is exactly what this "closure" was all about.

 

At least that is how I see it.

 

Exactly. Whatever we think of it those things drive the OP's emotional needs right now. and she's gotten the things she feels like she needed. Will it 'hold'? I don't know, but I hope so, and I think this is a better chance than she had. It almost certainly wouldn't have held if she was six hours away feeling hollow and full of self doubt because she was wondering what was going on in his head and if he had heard she had left and how he was feeling and internally raging about being thrown away and on and on and on.

[Hope Shimmers]

As Miriam Webster points out it's "a" feeling, not "Hope Shimmers'" feeling, you know? It's an individual feeling and not one of us here can dictate anything but subjectively. All any of us can do is offer our instincts based on experience and the specifics of the poster's circumstance. And from my perspective the very last thing this particular poster and this particular circumstance needed was a whole new front on drama in running off and wondering what he was thinking about all of it. She's said goodbye, fed her ego some and has a more positive sense of her worth to him, whatever we think of that. I think this is HER best chance to move forward and the best version of closure for HER within the realities of the limits that her particular weakness set right now.

 

Whoosh....! (the sound of my point zooming right over your head)

 

I didn't say it was "my" feeling. I said that it is an individual feeling that people must arrive at from within themselves.

 

I don't want to debate with you, and if you think this is her best chance to move forward given all of the drama and back-and-forth behavior that has gone on in this OP's life with this particular AP, then I'm not sure you have read all her threads. (Just my "Hope Shimmers" feeling on that... you know?)

 

But hey, this is a discussion forum where we all voice our opinions, and maybe time will prove you correct. Who knows. Stranger things have happened.

[Sub]

Exactly. Whatever we think of it those things drive the OP's emotional needs right now. and she's gotten the things she feels like she needed. Will it 'hold'? I don't know, but I hope so, and I think this is a better chance than she had.

 

But isn't "getting what she feels she needs emotionally RIGHT NOW" kind of what got her into this situation? I may be wrong, but she seemed to gain confidence from not doing that. Even just seeing the MM and having a conversation about it being over, I could see having some value. Show him that she's in control of her emotions and body...prove to herself that she can resist the urges and she doesn't need him. But leaving it open-ended like she did, and sleeping with him, is just going to embolden him to continue the pursuit, IMO.

[awkward]

nm

mts mts

Edited April 14, 2015 by awkward

[amaysngrace]

I feel closure.

 

It's over and I feel peace with that.

 

I'm glad you're at peace with getting closure.