wife left me after 5 months, so lonely and lost

[Northy2000]

Where do I start this my first posting

 

Abit of background first me and my now seperated wife was together for 5 years was married for 5 months, we have two boys aged 3 and 1.

 

I do not know where to start I thought I would spend the rest of my life with this woman and I'm really struggling to come to terms with it all. It all feels like a bad dream and soon I will awake from it:-( we had are ups and downs like all relationships but nothing major nothing serious until the last month when she started to become a little distant. I kept asking her what was the matter but all I got was nothing stop digging there's nothing the matter but I knew there was the more I asked the more I feel I pushed her away but I couldn't help myself because of the fear of losing her and not knowing what was going on. This went on for about 3-4 weeks we'd have good days then there would be days where shed hardly talk to me I was literally going insane couldn't sleep eat. Then she would say little things like all she feels she can do is stay at home and look after the kids and went on to tell people that I was suffocating her to the point where she couldn't breath. Now I admit the last month or so I must of been on top of her asking questions but Her behaviour changed slightly towards me and with that I've reached out and obviously pushed her away.

So we haven't been together for about 4-5 weeks she said it was over after we had a big argument at the house were I grabbed her phone and smashed it this was infront of our boys I'm so ashamed of this but for a month I feel I was put through hell not knowing where I stood and I just blew up.

She has gone on to say that I was suffocating her and that me not trusting her is the reason we have split up, what I just can't work out in my head is why she has completely closed the door with no look back no fight no trying to sort things out nothing it's as if she's completely over me where's ive been left devastated not sleeping eating etc. now since we split up I dont think there's been a day where there hadsnt been some sort of contact I've sent letters begged her for just having another go I say to her surly it's worth another go with all we had together. I need some help guys where do I go from here I've been constantly on her to get back with me, I know what I should be doing and walking the other way but I'm not strong enough and with having 2 kids together makes it Evan harder to deal with as I'm still seeing her :-( I would do anything to have my family back and she knows this, just need some advice on the best way on how to deal and approach this thanks in advance

[No Limit]

She cheated with another guy and now wants to pursue him, and a marriage is getting in the way of that. I know your emotions are all over the place but talk to a lawyer as soon as possible and get the divorce rolling. And go LC (= low contact) on her, don't beg or plead anymore, don't ask her how her day was or anything of the sort - the only thing you should ask about is the kids and their well-being, nothing else, not a single word or question.

[wizer]

I grabbed her phone and smashed it this was infront of our boys I'm so ashamed of this but for a month I feel I was put through hell not knowing where I stood and I just blew up.

 

Has this sort of thing happened before?

[Northy2000]

I know that's how i seen it that there must be someone else but from all sources her, her friends people she has spoke to all say there isn't anyone else that's not what this is about so I believe that isn't the case here. I haven't spoke to her since yesterday when I asked if she would give it another go? Her response "well as it stands I don't want to give it another go" abit more background into it she's currntly going through some tests at the hospital where they think she may have endometriodide something she feels I haven't been there for her with and also said that had pushed her away also one of the symptoms of this is pain during sex which she had, so I just can't imagine there being anyone else.

[No Limit]

The blameshifting is quite a typical reaction from cheaters though. And most people also don't tell about their cheating to evade the negative social stigma around it; most people just suddenly present their "new boyfriend" some time during the divorce.

[Northy2000]

Has this sort of thing happened before?

 

No first thing of its kind only happened the once I put it down to me literally being tortured to the point of not knowing what or where I stood and I just got mad, she said after the argument I took it to far. I just can't understand why there's no fight or anything from her??? She said I made it easier for her with with how I reacted. Still a awful lot to chuck away for so little.

[wizer]

She didn't leave only because you smashed the phone.

[Northy2000]

No that was the final straw she said. She said I was becoming controlling but my behaviour towards her only changed as she acted a little different and with that spiralled out of control. Evey time I have merely said is there anyone else or suggested that there maybe she replys with and that's why we will never work I think it's more of a trust thing rather than her actually being with someone else, maybe did I push her away with how I was being becoming??? I just find this so so hard to deal with I have some days where I feel I can't go on. Sometimes she has initiated the contact which she denies I just not sure how to play it from here I've been full on with her trying to get her back which hasn't worked. Do I act as if it doesn't bother me? Act cold I don't know.

[wizer]

Back off, stop chasing her, stop begging her, stop trying to get her back. Don't be cold, but go do your own thing, live your own life, and if she comes to you, then you can try to work things. Calm, cool, independent, and indifferent are the words for the day.

[DSP]

North..

 

I'm sorry you are in this position. I don't have all the answers, but I can offer some advice and I have empathy for you.

 

As others have said it is time to back off and go low contact. It will be the hardest thing you've ever done. It won't make this go away. Reread what Wizer said. If she thinks you are controlling and suffocating then back far away. Take the kids to day care or sitters and go lift some weights at the gym. Take them to the store or park for a couple hours.

 

No Limit has fantastic advice - listen to it. There are many sage people on this board. Read some stories and take the advice to heart. Even though you may not understand why and it may seem like it hurts more. One day it will click.

 

The phone smash is over. It was a mistake and you've learned not to ever do that again and to never display that type of rage in front of your children. It's done now and the lesson was learned. Don't bring it up again and just hope that it gets forgotten. Don't argue with your ex in front of your children. You are responsible for your reactions so control them.

 

I don't know of your living situation, but do not leave your home. It can be construed as you abandoned your family.

 

It's time to speak with a lawyer as well. You don't have to file, but you need to know your legal rights now. Not what you think you know, not what you heard from your family member, not what your buddy went through, and not what you've read on the internet. You need it from the lawyer in your area and take notes. If you wait you might put your relationship with your children at risk.

 

With a 3 and 1 year old their could be other issues at play here, but that is for you to find out about and would honestly know if they apply or not. You need to go into protection mode. That means it's time to protect the emotional and mental well being of your children. Time to be their rock. Time to keep your calmness. Nothing else matters, but them. Nothing else matters, but the mental and emotional well being of your children. It's going to be harder than it sounds. You are going to be dying inside and everything inside of you is going to be shattering, but keep your focus on the kids no matter what.

 

They need you now more than any other time in their lives. It's not going to be easy. It's going to be harder than you think, but the pay off is going to be greater than you can understand right now.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this. I've felt your pain and I have empathy for you.

[Satu]

Different people perceive and interpret the same things and events differently.

 

She perceives you as being suffocating and controlling.

 

Thats what she sees when she looks at you.

 

What do you see when you look at yourself?

[outthewindow]

North,

 

I'm sorry you are going through this. I know it's awful. The advice you have been given here it right.

 

She may have been having an affair, she may not have, I don't know. But if she told you that she left because you're being too controlling and suffocating her then trying to control her (telling her to come back) and suffocating her (constant contact and trying to win her back) is just going to push her further away. At this stage, you're proving her right, you are trying to control her and suffocate her with what YOU want. Give her some space and time.

 

She may come back, she may not, but the angrier she is the more unlikely the outcome you want. Also, the angrier she is the more fight she will have in her if it does come to divorce...

 

Now, as a woman who also suffers from endometriosis, yes, sex can be very painful during a flair up. If she's having tests done, I assume it's quite bad.

 

When I was going through the worst of mine and waiting for diagnosis my now XH was useless. He couldn't figure out why I wasn't happy or bubbly - I spent most of 3-4 months curled in the fetal position crying and unable to walk properly - and he also complained at me about our lack of sex life... Again, I couldn't stand up straight from pain for months on end and sex was like being stabbed with hot pokers, but he didn't 'see' that.

 

Now I'm not saying that you did the same to your wife, but if she's going through even a tenth of what I went through then I understand her distance and her being 'slightly different' towards you. She needs time to process the information about her illness and find a way to cope with it. On top of the illness, she'll be dealing with pain and two small children.

 

Give her some space to sort it all out without adding to the stress she's already going through.

 

Assuming that she hasn't met someone else, she needs her husband to be her rock right now but from what you write it seems like your being a little needy. Lay off the 'win her back' plan of attack. If you want her back, give her a reason to come back. Give her what she needs. Space, time, less stress etc.

 

It will also be good for you to shift your focus off her and onto yourself and ways of making your life better... For you and your kids. Put yourself and your kids on top of the priority list, tell your wife that if she needs your help you'll be there but leave her alone until she asks for it.

 

Good luck,

OTW

[Northy2000]

Thank you so much for your replys its so nice to know people actually have taken the time to read and care.

 

As for living arrangements Ive already moved out currently staying at my parents we didnt own our home we was renting but she wanted me out after the phone smash argument.

 

You mention that having a 1 and 3 year old there might be more to this what exactly do you mean by this? Do you think she could be depressed confused??

 

As for being there for HER do you think this is something that I should do??? And stick to? I have been there for boys and her having the boys when ever I can so she can still work for full time do you think this is something I should stick to? It's just I've had friends tell me not to let her take the p### obviously were not together and I feel as if she is. Some days I feel like saying look were not together I be there for our boys but I can't be there for you as you've made it clear you don't want me, I don't know? I really don't know how to play this at all I don't wanna anger her at all and push her further i don't know :-( do I agree to everything she asks of me? Or do I say look I can't be there every 2 minutes as were not together. Let me just say this girl is and been very spoilt from a young age so she doesn't like it when she doesn't get her own way, but I'm aloud to say no right? I have my own life.im very soft when it comes to things like this and let's just say she knows how to play me.

 

Do I be that Rock for her still???

 

I asked her about divorce to which she replied well "are you going to pay" I said no so it was left as that.

 

Something else that I should mention during our 4 week of being apart there had been time where we have been texting As if we're still together. Asking what I'm doing telling me what she's been doing etc. one day when she asked me to watch the boys at the house which is something I'm not comfortable with as going back to the house kills me and doesn't help being there if you know what I mean?? Well anyway one morning I turned up at the door she opened it and as she did I give her s massive cuddle I couldn't help my self she cuddled me back and we kissed I thought we are going to sort this out we really are. She has since said I kissed her and she kissed me back and it shouldn't of happened :-( I was in bits again. It's not fair what she did and doing i don't think. Is she confused??! I just feel I've got to the point where I should be heading the other way because at the moment she knows I'm THERE need help guys.

[DSP]

 

1. As for living arrangements Ive already moved out currently staying at my parents we didnt own our home we was renting.
    
   
2. You mention that having a 1 and 3 year old there might be more to this what exactly do you mean by this?
    
   
3. Do you think she could be depressed confused??
    
   
4. As for being there for HER do you think this is something that I should do??? And stick to?
    
   
5. I have been there for boys and her having the boys when ever I can so she can still work for full time do you think this is something I should stick to?
    
   
6. Some days I feel like saying look were not together I be there for our boys but I can't be there for you as you've made it clear you don't want me, I don't know?
    
   I really don't know how to play this at all I don't wanna anger her at all and push her further i don't know :-( do I agree to everything she asks of me?
    
   Or do I say look I can't be there every 2 minutes as were not together. Let me just say this girl is and been very spoilt from a young age so she doesn't like it when she doesn't get her own way, but I'm aloud to say no right?
    
   Do I be that Rock for her still???
   

I asked her about divorce to which she replied well "are you going to pay" I said no so it was left as that.

 

Something else that I should mention during our 4 week of being apart there had been time where we have been texting As if we're still together. Asking what I'm doing telling me what she's been doing etc. one day when she asked me to watch the boys at the house which is something I'm not comfortable with as going back to the house kills me and doesn't help being there if you know what I mean?? I just feel I've got to the point where I should be heading the other way because at the moment she knows I'm THERE need help guys.

 

You have a lot of concerns as you should. That means you care very much. Remember this is not a game. This is life and your actions impact the lives of three other humans in this world. I'll answer your questions as I read them from my perspective.

 

1. You need to speak to a lawyer immediately. I cannot give you legal advice, but I can tell you this. If you do go through a divorce your wifes lawyer will use you leaving the home as abandonment of your family. Your wife can even protest the lawyer doing it and it won't matter. Talk to a lawyer and find what your legal rights are. I cannot stress this enough.
    
   
2. I mean she could have a multitude of health issues including postpartum depression. You are still married so you should have a legal right to speak to her Dr. about your concerns. This is where your legal rights come into play that only a lawyer would know and the Dr. may be able to help.
    
   
3. She could be very depressed, but only a Dr. can diagnose that.
    
   
4. You need to back away a bit. You are giving her emotional support when she needs it yet you get nothing in return, but more confusion, hurt and anger. Tell her you love her and you care for her, but you cannot be there for her anymore. It's time for her to understand her decisions have real consequences. It's going to be hard, but you have to take a stoic approach and leave it at that. Your actions are going to have to speak louder than your words now.
    
   
5. Yes to the highest degree. Forget what your friends say. Don't even think if you are being manipulated or not. Just get them as much as humanly possible. They need you, because their mother is somewhere else emotionally and mentally. Keep this bit of information in mind. If you get divorced you might only get to see them for 8 hours on Sunday until the courts believe you no longer have rage issues. Highly unlikely, but scary isn't it? So take them each and every time and spend 100% of your time with them. They need you to be their safe harbor in this storm.
    
   
6. Inside you know the answer to this. You need to stop being there for her emotionally. One thing I had to say to my ex was "You lost your wife privileges the day you left our home." Those words worked remarkably well for me and that stopped all requests for help, calling and crying stopped. A boundary was put in place and I stuck to it. You don't have to say those exact words to her, but you need to create a boundary to make it clear you are not going to be her emotional support while she is away.
   

Don't bring up divorce again until you are emotionally on solid ground. If she brings it up let her know you've been speaking with a lawyer about what rights you have and that you've contemplated divorcing.

 

No more hugs, no more kisses, no more calls or texts unless it involves the kids. Talk to her Dr., but don't expect any huge change from doing so. Keep your expectations low and start to disengage from her.

 

She is going through a very hard emotional time. You are not a therapist and you don't have the tools necessary to make her OK. It's your wife, you love her and this is hard, but you have to do this for your own sanity. She needs time and professional help. The harder you try to fix this the more you are going to make it worse. That catch 22 will drive you to insanity. You don't have the tools to fix this and you need to come to terms with that harsh truth.

[Northy2000]

You have a lot of concerns as you should. That means you care very much. Remember this is not a game. This is life and your actions impact the lives of three other humans in this world. I'll answer your questions as I read them from my perspective.

 

1. You need to speak to a lawyer immediately. I cannot give you legal advice, but I can tell you this. If you do go through a divorce your wifes lawyer will use you leaving the home as abandonment of your family. Your wife can even protest the lawyer doing it and it won't matter. Talk to a lawyer and find what your legal rights are. I cannot stress this enough.
    
   
2. I mean she could have a multitude of health issues including postpartum depression. You are still married so you should have a legal right to speak to her Dr. about your concerns. This is where your legal rights come into play that only a lawyer would know and the Dr. may be able to help.
    
   
3. She could be very depressed, but only a Dr. can diagnose that.
    
   
4. You need to back away a bit. You are giving her emotional support when she needs it yet you get nothing in return, but more confusion, hurt and anger. Tell her you love her and you care for her, but you cannot be there for her anymore. It's time for her to understand her decisions have real consequences. It's going to be hard, but you have to take a stoic approach and leave it at that. Your actions are going to have to speak louder than your words now.
    
   
5. Yes to the highest degree. Forget what your friends say. Don't even think if you are being manipulated or not. Just get them as much as humanly possible. They need you, because their mother is somewhere else emotionally and mentally. Keep this bit of information in mind. If you get divorced you might only get to see them for 8 hours on Sunday until the courts believe you no longer have rage issues. Highly unlikely, but scary isn't it? So take them each and every time and spend 100% of your time with them. They need you to be their safe harbor in this storm.
    
   
6. Inside you know the answer to this. You need to stop being there for her emotionally. One thing I had to say to my ex was "You lost your wife privileges the day you left our home." Those words worked remarkably well for me and that stopped all requests for help, calling and crying stopped. A boundary was put in place and I stuck to it. You don't have to say those exact words to her, but you need to create a boundary to make it clear you are not going to be her emotional support while she is away.
   

Don't bring up divorce again until you are emotionally on solid ground. If she brings it up let her know you've been speaking with a lawyer about what rights you have and that you've contemplated divorcing.

 

No more hugs, no more kisses, no more calls or texts unless it involves the kids. Talk to her Dr., but don't expect any huge change from doing so. Keep your expectations low and start to disengage from her.

 

She is going through a very hard emotional time. You are not a therapist and you don't have the tools necessary to make her OK. It's your wife, you love her and this is hard, but you have to do this for your own sanity. She needs time and professional help. The harder you try to fix this the more you are going to make it worse. That catch 22 will drive you to insanity. You don't have the tools to fix this and you need to come to terms with that harsh truth.

 

Thank you so much for your reply I'm going to try put what you have said into actions rather than just words.

When you mention her going through a very emotional time what exactly do you mean in regards to her health issues? Her decisions???

 

Something else that happened post break up on my part that I feel I should say is something was said to me that led me to believe that she had cheated going back 2 years or so it turned out she hadn't actually cheated just that she spoke to some other guy when heavily pregnant with our youngest. There's was nothing in it all just that at the time I was making her feel lonely but when I found out about this after we had spit up the way I was feeling so angry I took to Facebook and broadcast it on there and things where said from me and other people which wasn't true and it went to far.

This is something post breakup she says has made it easier for her to walk away this and the Argument at the house she said it all made it easier for her, and that reading the stuff over Facebook over and over again just made her feel numb towards me :-( also when I asked it's as if you never cared and already over me she says "she can't just mope about like I have when she has the boys to look after" and has had to get on with it for there sake should I buy this??? Is this the case is she actually thinking of me upset underneath? And that her having the boys has just made Her hardened up and getting on with it for the boys????! Just seems like she has turned everything off like a switch, or perhaps she is just being strong for the boys?????????.

[GemmaUK]

What is she supposed to do other than get on with looking after the boys?

 

 

I think you may have lost this one I'm afraid.

Feelings of being controlled and suffocation don't just happen overnight.

Endo is also a very painful and horrible condition and can be very debilitating. Coping with two little ones whilst having endo isn't something I would wish on my worst enemy.

 

 

You seem to have some anger issues to be honest OP. Smashing the phone up and flying off the handle on facebook due to anger are the kind of things that a sensible woman wouldn't be keen to stick around for.

[Northy2000]

I hear what you are saying both things I am ashamed of doing and apologised for the reason for the Facebook was after the 3-4 weeks of feeling being tortured with not knowing what was going on then for it to end then be told that she may of been cheating going back a couple of years and that's how it felt as if she had been cheating on me. That's no excuse but that's why I put it on Facebook I was in such a bad place still am, as I said before the reasons she has given for ending it is she feeling that I didn't trust her and started to question Her and suffocating her the latter as a result of her behaviour slightly changing towards me. I think also there was a lack of communication more on her part and when we sat down and had a long talk a couple of weeks back she agreed that it all could of been preventable:-(

[Satu]

I hear what you are saying both things I am ashamed of doing and apologised for the reason for the Facebook was after the 3-4 weeks of feeling being tortured with not knowing what was going on then for it to end then be told that she may of been cheating going back a couple of years and that's how it felt as if she had been cheating on me. That's no excuse but that's why I put it on Facebook I was in such a bad place still am, as I said before the reasons she has given for ending it is she feeling that I didn't trust her and started to question Her and suffocating her the latter as a result of her behaviour slightly changing towards me. I think also there was a lack of communication more on her part and when we sat down and had a long talk a couple of weeks back she agreed that it all could of been preventable:-(

 

Behaviour change is king.

 

Talking and coming to understanding is good, but behaviour change is what makes the most difference.

 

Behaviour change is real change.

[DSP]

 

When you mention her going through a very emotional time what exactly do you mean in regards to her health issues? Her decisions???

 

I took to Facebook and broadcast it on there and things where said from me and other people which wasn't true and it went to far.

 

This is something post breakup she says has made it easier for her to walk away this and the Argument at the house she said it all made it easier for her, and that reading the stuff over Facebook over and over again just made her feel numb towards me.

 

When I asked it's as if you never cared and already over me she says "she can't just mope about like I have when she has the boys to look after" and has had to get on with it for there sake should I buy this??? Is this the case is she actually thinking of me upset underneath? And that her having the boys has just made Her hardened up and getting on with it for the boys????! Just seems like she has turned everything off like a switch, or perhaps she is just being strong for the boys?????????.

 

What I meant by that is she could develop bipolar disorder, uncover mental health issues, postpartum depression. The list goes on and on. That is why I say you need to speak to her medial professional. There may be nothing at all wrong with her. It would do you well to research postpartum depression and learn what it is, what can happen and how long it may last.

 

Blasting your wife on social media for a perceived affair is unfathomable to me. That's a private issue to keep within your private life. Social media is anything, but private. Combine this with the smashing of the cell phone and I have to say maybe this separation would be a good thing for you to begin some personal growth. Introspection of your reactions to situations and stressors in your life and how to react moving forward.

 

She's told you the catalyst for her feelings already. Pure speculation here, but she is at a different place in this separation than you are. That is why she is acting as if she is already over it. Her mind is made up. It's over. She's now being there for her children. There are stages of grief and divorce. She could already be in the acceptance phase or very close to it.

 

Personally I would start looking at this relationship as over. There isn't one word or action you are going to do that is going to bring her back to you and she will continue to use you as emotional support until she either finds another person to make her happy or she makes the hard fast decision to leave you completely.

[Northy2000]

That's just it I can't seem to except its over all I want more than anything is to have my family back, I can't seem to focus or think of anything else but her constantly. Are you saying this girl will not change her mind and maybe come to me??? I know she changes her mind quite a lot, when I have asked her in the past if we would ever be back together ever she says things like "how do I know" "right now I don't want to be with you" "well as it stands I don't want to Give it another go" do these sound that she is certain??? I know I'm holding on to something here And she has made it clear she doesn't want me but could that change after the dust settles from the pain and anger she has towards me form the argument and Facebook???

 

Something else I must say when we first got together going back 5 years We had been together nearly 6 months and totally out of the blue she left me with no real explanation she went straight back with her then ex but after a month came back to me I took her back just like that because I was still a mess from her leaving, what I'm saying she has done this before being that it was a long time ago not married and no kids involved, I'm just hoping she has a change of heart and maybe realises what she had??? I mean apart from the argument Facebook and her feeling suffercated there was nothing else I was 100% honest loyal and faithful. What I'm asking is there a chance she may change her mind and what's my best form of action to maximise that, please help I seem to be getting worse as each day goes by I'm lost lonely please help :-(

[DSP]

She has told you in no uncertain terms this is over. You have your answer. This is over. If she changes her mind and wants to come back to you then that is something she is going to have to decide. There is nothing you are going to do or say that is going to change her decision or maximize your chances at getting her to. It is time to start working toward acceptance. I feel your relationship with the mother of your children is over and honestly that relationship should be over it was toxic. I know you don't want to hear that, but look at it like this. Now you have a chance to rebuild that relationship as non toxic especially for your children.

 

Time to start a new line of thought and do what is called a 180. Do an internet search of doing a 180 and read up on it thoroughly. It isn't meant for you to win your partner back though it does happen. It is meant for you to forge a new path and show the one you left that you are becoming a different person. Based on the quoted lines you've given this is what she is wanting from you. You need to change you.

 

Being loyal and faithful to your partner doesn't matter. I and many others were loyal and faithful to our partners and they left us as well.

 

This isn't about me in any fashion, but my divorce started 8 months ago and during that time I've gone through tremendous change. To the point where I am in acceptance of what happened and feel very little anger any more. I feel a ton of sadness at the loss of my family. I feel sadness for what has happened to my ex since she left, but I wouldn't be here without a boat load of self reflection and admittance to my own flaws and weaknesses.

 

In the 8 months since she left I've read around 50 books on everything from getting your spouse back, parenting, self help to modern day pathology. Read for sometimes days at a time on the internet looking for answers. I've been to two therapists and have been to over 32 sessions. I lift weights and meditate, cut out toxic friends, rebuilt relationships with family, stopped drinking, and became a better father.

 

In the 8 months since my wife of 15 years the one woman I trusted loved and found most beautiful; the one I was faithful and loyal to; the mother of my 3 beautiful children left me. I put 100% effort in being a better person and everyone can see this, but most important I can feel it. This is where you need to be. This is my path and it was for me you need to forge your path now.

 

There are some very good sites on the Net about self help specifically designed for men and healing. I won't list them here, but PM me and I will give you those plus a working list of books I've read categorized by subject matter.

 

Take this for what it is and realize I'm just some stranger on the internet. This is my opinion.

 

I think it's time to step back and rebuild yourself into a better you.

[Northy2000]

I feel a lot of what had happened towards the end was as a result of what happened at the start of our relationship when she left and is something that as much as I tried would always pop back into my head, she would always say "you don't trust me Evan 5 years on" well I did trust her but I could never really erase it Totally in my head and when we had little bickers it would come out something I know drove her mad but that's not totally my fault right??? I just feel we had our issues but we knew what they were and as soon as it got tough she ran :-(

[outthewindow]

From what I read here your relationship was toxic and she has had enough.

 

Being faithful and not cheating is the MINIMUM a marriage needs to survive... But it also needs friendship, kindness, respect, trust and love.

 

If she left you for her ex all those years ago and you took her back, then married her and had babies, realistically, you should have forgiven that and left it in the past, not to be brought up in arguements till the end of time. Sometimes, at the start of a new relationship, you just aren't sure if it's the right one for you. Sounds like she wasn't sure, explored her options, then decided you were the one. Instead of leaving that in the past you seem to have thrown it at her whenever you were angry or upset. This is your issue, not hers. I'm not saying what she did then was right or ok, but at the same time it's was years ago and I assume she hasn't done it since.

 

As for your facebooking of her percieved affair... What the hell? Are you 14 years old? Turns out she didn't have an affair and you very publicly trashed her for something she didn't do. I sure as hell wouldn't forgive that! Airing your laundry in such a public way is immature and, for me, unforgivable.

 

TBH even if she did have an affair, putting that on Facebook and trashing her is still not ok! You have children, what you put online stays there forever, if not for your wife's sake it shouldn't be online for the sake of your kids. Also, assuming you do divorce this action of yours damages her reputation, possibly even making it harder for her to work / find a job etc. And that in turn hurts your kids. How dare you!?

 

Sorry, I know I'm being harsh but I have VERY strong views on online and social media privacy and from where I stand what you did is not ok and has greater possible ramifications than making you feel better.

 

If you need to vent, to it to a friend or come here and do it anonymously, never on social media.

 

You obviously have anger issues and for this you really should get some counseling. Not in the hopes of saving your marriage, but in the hopes of becoming a better man, for yourself and most importantly, for your kids.

[Northy2000]

First of all I'm not saying it was right with the Facebook issue I was going through at the the time being tortured with my ex not knowing what was going on then the day she finished it I had people telling me she had been texting other men a couple of years back so on top of the break up to then be told this, I felt so angry and betrayed and that's what I did to air my anger I know it's childish and something I shouldn't of done but I was sooooo angry and hurt that's no excuse but that's why I did it

[Satu]

I feel a lot of what had happened towards the end was as a result of what happened at the start of our relationship when she left and is something that as much as I tried would always pop back into my head, she would always say *"you don't trust me Evan 5 years on" well I did trust her but I could never really erase it Totally in my head and when we had little bickers it would come out something I know drove her mad but that's *not totally my fault right??? I just feel we had our issues but we knew what they were and *as soon as it got tough she ran :-(

 

This is my self-penned personal motto, which I've lived by for years:

 

"I only give the best of myself to others. The less than best I work on in my own time."

 

It seems to me that in your case, you've given you wife a lot of the 'less than best.' In effect, by not taking full responsibility for your problems, and not working on them in your own time, you have become her problem, and your problems her problems.

 

She solved these problems by leaving you.

 

Only you can solve your own problems.

 

Even the best therapist can only help you to help yourself.

 

It's only when we take full responsibility for what we think, say and do, that we can make real changes.

 

You have to own and build on your 'best' and own and work on your 'less than best.'

 

I see no other workable option.