Jclements00 Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 I'm kinda in a similar situation. My wife of three years suddenly started acting different six weeks ago not wanting a kiss or touching. Lasted only a few days till she said she wanted a separation. But she claims its lack of attention and communication on my part when she did things the first year of marriage that pushed me away and she fails to see that. But yeah I begged pleaded tried to talk to her spend time with her be very sweet and none of it mattered. I did that for two weeks and she said she was done she won't accept what I do. Now she had been unhappy for a long time due to us not spending a lot of time together or really communicating but of course she thinks it's cause I don't care when she used to drink often and it made her attitude and actions volatile to the point I would stay away from her. Now seeing how she doesn't care it helped tremendously in the depressed horrible feeling I had for two weeks where I didn't eat much go to the gym or anything. Couldn't even focus on my work. What I can tell you is perhaps you should look more at how she feels through this and see that she doesn't care so why should you be feeling bad? For me at least it got easier to accept its over and even get a bit excited to be on my own have my own place and be away from all the nagging yelling and stress. I still have bad times especially on long weekends I don't work and sit around home a lot while we still live together a while longer till I can afford to move soon. But the bad times become less the excitement gets more and Im trying to have faith it will all work out for the best. Believe their is a bigger better plan for you and someone better. It's hard yes but you will survive, you are never in this alone. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Northy2000 Posted March 30, 2015 Author Share Posted March 30, 2015 Why why is so hard when the kids are involved so I've took the advice and having our boys as much as possible, I had them today over for dinner, I dread seeing her but the same time I want to, so when she came over to drop the boys off I asked if she wanted to come in for a cuppa, she said Yh I'll come in when I pick them up. A long story short she came in and sat down and we talked a little about the boys then I asked I know I shouldn't of but I couldn't help myself I asked if she wanted a D she said well "no I don't what's the point in that I won't get married ever again people do stay married but don't get Divorced" I also pressed her on "us" I said that I want my family back more than anything surly you see that with how I've been, she said " well no actually the complete obosite you haven't showed me one bit" I think she feels because I havnt been there for the boys more and it seems that's how she's Judging me with the effort I make with the boys, it all seems as if she is testing me with me stepping up and being there more for our boys!!!! I don't know ahhhh it's so hard with kids everytime I see her I feel like I'm being stabbed in the heart. I also said that all I want is my family back, she said well that shouldn't be my priority the boys should be, I pressed again and asked if we will have our family back she said that ain't happening right now" I said ever??? She said "why do I keep asking her questions that she can't answer" I'm so confused can anybody shed any light of all of this??? Please Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Why why is so hard when the kids are involved so I've took the advice and having our boys as much as possible, I had them today over for dinner, I dread seeing her but the same time I want to, so when she came over to drop the boys off I asked if she wanted to come in for a cuppa, she said Yh I'll come in when I pick them up. A long story short she came in and sat down and we talked a little about the boys then I asked I know I shouldn't of but I couldn't help myself I asked if she wanted a D she said well "no I don't what's the point in that I won't get married ever again people do stay married but don't get Divorced" I also pressed her on "us" I said that I want my family back more than anything surly you see that with how I've been, she said " well no actually the complete obosite you haven't showed me one bit" I think she feels because I havnt been there for the boys more and it seems that's how she's Judging me with the effort I make with the boys, it all seems as if she is testing me with me stepping up and being there more for our boys!!!! I don't know ahhhh it's so hard with kids everytime I see her I feel like I'm being stabbed in the heart. I also said that all I want is my family back, she said well that shouldn't be my priority the boys should be, I pressed again and asked if we will have our family back she said that ain't happening right now" I said ever??? She said "why do I keep asking her questions that she can't answer" I'm so confused can anybody shed any light of all of this??? Please The kids come first. **************************************************** Don't ask her anything. Don't tell her anything. Listen, instead. When people feel that they are really being listened to, good things happen. Always. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Northy2000 Posted March 31, 2015 Author Share Posted March 31, 2015 Anyone else got any thoughts on this I still can't stop myself in engaging in conversation today Me "do you think in time we will have another chance" Ex. " right now my answer is no" Me " so your saying not at the moment but in time" Ex " it isn't going to happen anytime soon" What do people make of her responses?? Keeping me on the back burner??? Any help please Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Anyone else got any thoughts on this I still can't stop myself in engaging in conversation today Me "do you think in time we will have another chance" Ex. " right now my answer is no" Me " so your saying not at the moment but in time" Ex " it isn't going to happen anytime soon" What do people make of her responses?? Keeping me on the back burner??? Any help please You're not doing yourself any favours by persisting with these questions. Really not. BIG mistake. You are applying pressure, she feels it, doesn't like it. Stop it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Anyone else got any thoughts on this I still can't stop myself in engaging in conversation today Me "do you think in time we will have another chance" Ex. " right now my answer is no" Me " so your saying not at the moment but in time" Ex " it isn't going to happen anytime soon" What do people make of her responses?? Keeping me on the back burner??? Any help please You know that you're absolutely shooting down any chance you have at reconciliation by pressing her with these questions, right? Instead of giving her a chance of missing you, you're being a f*cking pest. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Northy2000 Posted March 31, 2015 Author Share Posted March 31, 2015 That's just the thing I know I am but at the same time I can't control myself as soon as I see her I'm just feel with so much that I want to say evey time I see her more difficult with having to see her with the kids being dropped off etc I hear what your saying I know i need to back off just can't seem to act on what I know I should be doing so tough man Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 That's just the thing I know I am but at the same time I can't control myself as soon as I see her I'm just feel with so much that I want to say evey time I see her more difficult with having to see her with the kids being dropped off etc I hear what your saying I know i need to back off just can't seem to act on what I know I should be doing so tough man I get that it's tough, and I appreciate that you understand that ultimately you're hurting your chances of getting where you want to be with this behavior. But what I don't get is why nonetheless you're persisting in this behavior. Do you have trouble controlling your impulses in general? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 That's just the thing I know I am but at the same time I can't control myself as soon as I see her I'm just feel with so much that I want to say evey time I see her more difficult with having to see her with the kids being dropped off etc I hear what your saying I know i need to back off just can't seem to act on what I know I should be doing so tough man If you don't change your behaviour, you're going to get the exact opposite of what you want. Stop putting pressure on her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Northy2000 Posted March 31, 2015 Author Share Posted March 31, 2015 Ex has just been and picked the boys up so I kept it about the boys she asked me what's the matter? I said there's nothing the matter just want to keep it about the boys like you have said. She replied with "oh so can't we talk now" I said Yh about the boys. Gave the boys a kiss and said good bye, I could sense that the way I was with bothered her, so anyway I came into the house and 5 mins later I get a message "Any slightest chance you had has gone completely and last chance with the kids too" How Should I reply? With what? Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Ignore it. It doesn't merit a response. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Northy2000 Posted March 31, 2015 Author Share Posted March 31, 2015 Totally ignore? Won't getting her angry drive her further away? Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Totally ignore? Won't getting her angry drive her further away? Totally ignore. It'll be interesting to see if she blows up your phone to get a response. My money says she will. The only thing worth responding to are inquiries regarding the kids and finances. I certainly wouldn't respond to raving. But keep the texts. They may come in handy at some point. In the meantime, be Fonzy (Pulp Fiction reference). 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Northy2000 Posted March 31, 2015 Author Share Posted March 31, 2015 Thanks for you responses much appreciated man this is hard at the moment just received Another message " I hope your happy with now" stay silent until it only contains something about the kids? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Radio silence. Wait. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 As of the last few minutes there's been a subtle power shift, Northy. Can you feel it? Don't mess it up. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Northy2000 Posted March 31, 2015 Author Share Posted March 31, 2015 Yh strangly I do I feel more in control, I'm sure she thinks that I'm speaking, seeing other women from some of the things she has been saying. I don't want her to actually think that I am, do i? I'm not. But I don't want her to actually think I am as I feel that might make her go and look "get someone else" do i make this clear to her! That this isn't the case??? Thanks again really appreciate it 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Yh strangly I do I feel more in control, I'm sure she thinks that I'm speaking, seeing other women from some of the things she has been saying. I don't want her to actually think that I am, do i? I'm not. But I don't want her to actually think I am as I feel that might make her go and look "get someone else" do i make this clear to her! That this isn't the case??? Thanks again really appreciate it Don't address it unless she asks you a direct, specific question. If she asks that question, respond with a simple yes or no without elaboration. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Yh strangly *I do I feel more in control, I'm sure she thinks that I'm speaking, seeing other women from some of the things she has been saying. I don't want her to actually think that I am, do i? I'm not. But I don't want her to actually think I am as I feel that might make her go and look "get someone else" do i make this clear to her! That this isn't the case??? Thanks again really appreciate it *Do remember that it's yourself you need to be in control of. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Don't address it unless she asks you a direct, specific question. If she asks that question, respond with a simple yes or no without elaboration. ^^^ this. ^^^ Link to post Share on other sites
Author Northy2000 Posted March 31, 2015 Author Share Posted March 31, 2015 Thanks again guys I wish I had you here with me eveytime I have to see or deal with her Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 Stay cool. Don't tell. Don't ask. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Northy2000 Posted April 1, 2015 Author Share Posted April 1, 2015 Ok don't tell her anything I don't need to don't aske her anything I don't need to, but what if she asks me? Stuff unrelated to the kids etc. brush it off? Tell her it has nothing to do with her? Or that I'm not comfortable talking about that to you? What would be the best approach if she asks the questions not involving the kids??? Link to post Share on other sites
justaplottwist Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 "I'm not comfortable discussing that with you." or "I'm not interested in talking about that." or "I don't want to talk about that." Perfect. Any arguments to try and discuss whatever the topic is are met with the above statements repeated over, silence or walking away. And then give your figurative "boundary fence " a couple good pats knowing you are protecting yourself very well and in a healthy way. It may feel awkward....but its not unkind to take of yourself in this way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 People always want what they can't have. Stop being so available, be there for the kids. Time to change your look, get some new cloths, maybe change your hair style, splash on a little cologne. You can't make someone love you but if she thinks she is going to loose you because your ready to move on with or without her she may start to see you differently. Read up on the 180, apply what works for you. The 180 is a method of detaching so you don't appear like your smothering her. The method makes you look stronger and in control, this is viewed as attractive, wimpy, smothering is viewed as weak and unattractive. Always, always be there for your kids no matter what. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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