wife left me after 5 months, so lonely and lost

[Satu]

"Always and everywhere, remember yourself."

 

Pay attention to yourself, your thoughts, your feelings, your needs, things that make you feel good.

 

You are the centre of your world, not anybody else.

 

Be there, with yourself, at the centre.

[Northy2000]

need some advice guys,

 

I'm Having trouble with ex arranging child times seeing them etc at the moment im currently seeing them as and when I can as much as possible but all on her terms, we both have had said we need set times and this is where the issue is, I have suggested to her that I have them every other Sunday and twice during the week over for dinner, currently cant have them over night as I'm at my parents and there just isn't the room. She said no that's not ok you have them ever other weekend and on your days off each week.

 

I work full time between Monday to Saturday I get two days off over the six days but always work these days of as overtime.

 

Ex works full time and Evan though we have spilt up seems she has no intention of changing that she says she wants to work full time to provide for our kids something I totally respect, but now obviously child care being harder to arrange as we are no longer together.

 

The last conversation she said I take half responsibility or I don't see them at all your not being a part time dad.

 

I said I'm sorry but I didn't want to be a part time dad that wasn't my choice she also threatens me with stuff like if you let them down you won't see them and it's my last chance etc.

 

Just abit of advice guys on how best to deal with this I feel like I'm walking on egg shells with her and when ever she doesn't get her own way or doesn't like something she uses the boys against me, any help

 

Thanks in advance

[GorillaTheater]

Sounds like we're getting into lawyer territory, Northy, and the advice is going to depend very heavily on the laws of your jurisdiction.

 

Do you have a lawyer, Northy? You need one, and I have some advice to offer in that area if you're interested.

[Northy2000]

Sounds like we're getting into lawyer territory, Northy, and the advice is going to depend very heavily on the laws of your jurisdiction.

 

Do you have a lawyer, Northy? You need one, and I have some advice to offer in that area if you're interested.

 

Gorilla

 

No currently have no lawyer, and yes would be very grateful for any advice

[Friskyone4u]

Northy,

 

I am sorry for your situation but it seems your wife it having no problem jerking you around like a top, and unfortunately, it just feeds her sense of power over you. And it seems before kids she has done this to you before.

 

I don't know all the facts but it seems to me that this dumping you so suddenly is too suspicious. Most, not all, of the time, when a women walks out like this or asks for space abruptly knowing it will mean less time with her kids, there is USUALLY ANOTHER MAN ON THE HORIZON.

 

i do not think you have the truth here

[GorillaTheater]

Gorilla

 

No currently have no lawyer, and yes would be very grateful for any advice

 

1. Talk to as many lawyers who do family law in your area as possible. Most will give you a free 15 - 30 minute consultation. For one thing, a smart consumer shops around and for another, none of those attorneys will be able to represent your wife afterwards; they'd have a conflict of interest. For that reason, speak with all of the better lawyers that you can, even if you think you can't afford to hire them. It may be sneaky, but it's not personal, it's business.

 

2. You want an attorney who's going to push back hard to protect your interests, but not one who's going to gin up bills by engaging in unnecessary fighting. Make that clear. Select the attorney who you're comfortable with. For some reason, some of the best attorneys for men in your situation are often women.

 

3. Use your attorney sparingly. Business and only business. If you want a shoulder to cry on or a sounding board to bitch to, they'll probably be happy to fill that role, but they'll bill you out the ass for it. Work out as much as you can with your wife before the lawyers even look at it.

 

I get that you want to restore the message. Ironically, oftentimes the best way for that to happen is to make clear to your wife that you're okay with losing her. People can be funny that way. But put all that aside for the moment: right now your mission is to protect your time with your children. Do that by drawing up temporary orders which are enforcible by the court.

[Northy2000]

Northy,

 

I am sorry for your situation but it seems your wife it having no problem jerking you around like a top, and unfortunately, it just feeds her sense of power over you. And it seems before kids she has done this to you before.

 

I don't know all the facts but it seems to me that this dumping you so suddenly is too suspicious. Most, not all, of the time, when a women walks out like this or asks for space abruptly knowing it will mean less time with her kids, there is USUALLY ANOTHER MAN ON THE HORIZON.

 

i do not think you have the truth here

 

I don't think for one minute there is I'm told that it was a trust issue and me suspecting this kind of thing towards the end of our relationship contributed to her leaving. Stating I was suffocating becoming controlling and no trust or that's how she felt of how I was towards her, and that she wasn't happy and it was only going to get worse.

[GorillaTheater]

I get that you want to restore the message.

 

I meant "marriage", not "message".

[bubbaganoosh]

Look friend. It's obvious that she knows what buttons to push and your playing right in her hand and until you stop, your going to keep getting hurt.

 

If it's me, I get a lawyer, draw up divorce papers and have her served at work. Then she's going to know that you were pushed to the brink and your not putting up with her spoiled childish behavior.

 

You have to stop playing the nice guy and realize that she's doing nothing but stomping a mud hole through and for good reason. Your letting her.

 

Time to get your big boy pants on and regaining your life back. Until you do your going to be kicked in the teeth at every turn. Your choice.

[Northy2000]

Look friend. It's obvious that she knows what buttons to push and your playing right in her hand and until you stop, your going to keep getting hurt.

 

If it's me, I get a lawyer, draw up divorce papers and have her served at work. Then she's going to know that you were pushed to the brink and your not putting up with her spoiled childish behavior.

 

You have to stop playing the nice guy and realize that she's doing nothing but stomping a mud hole through and for good reason. Your letting her.

 

Time to get your big boy pants on and regaining your life back. Until you do your going to be kicked in the teeth at every turn. Your choice.

 

I was already thinking for filling for divorce but you have to be legally married for a year where we live.

[bubbaganoosh]

I was already thinking for filling for divorce but you have to be legally married for a year where we live.

 

Then stop all contact with her unless it has something to do with your kids. Anything else you don't want to know or ask questions.

 

When you see the kids tell her thanks, and let her know when you'll have them back and that's it. No more Hi, hello , how you doing. Let her know that life can go on with out her and her behavior.

 

She knows full well that when she snaps her fingers, your there waiting for a handout from her and she's only doing that so she has a security line in case she changes her mind. Cut the line and let her either sink or swim. The woman has to learn that the world doesn't revolve around her.

[Northy2000]

Why do I keep doing this please someone tell me when this will all end.

 

She came to pick the boys up last night, I just broke down in tears in front of her, I'm a wreak and I don't seem to be able to cope, bearing in mind I had no sleep the previous night, I struggle to sleep evey night as it is but last night was worse than usual.

 

I said to her I just don't understand how you seem completely over it, finished it turned your back and never looked back, this is so hard to try to understand.

She said that I did that by how i acted after the break up and how I continue to be. Maybe that's true? I don't know.

 

She got in the car and said see you Sunday (next time I'm having boys) I said yes. She pulled away and undone the window and said is this what you want? I said no of course not. She said right see you Sunday and that was it. Not totally sure what she ment by that. All of this was very angry and aggressive towards me.

 

 

I know I'm so available at the moment but it's so hard when I'm in bits and my emotions are all over the place. I hate hate hate this pain I'm feeling And I just want it all to end

[bubbaganoosh]

Why do I keep doing this please someone tell me when this will all end.

 

She came to pick the boys up last night, I just broke down in tears in front of her, I'm a wreak and I don't seem to be able to cope, bearing in mind I had no sleep the previous night, I struggle to sleep evey night as it is but last night was worse than usual.

 

I said to her I just don't understand how you seem completely over it, finished it turned your back and never looked back, this is so hard to try to understand.

She said that I did that by how i acted after the break up and how I continue to be. Maybe that's true? I don't know.

 

She got in the car and said see you Sunday (next time I'm having boys) I said yes. She pulled away and undone the window and said is this what you want? I said no of course not. She said right see you Sunday and that was it. Not totally sure what she ment by that. All of this was very angry and aggressive towards me.

 

 

I know I'm so available at the moment but it's so hard when I'm in bits and my emotions are all over the place. I hate hate hate this pain I'm feeling And I just want it all to end

 

Wanna know why? Because you asked for it. Plain and simple all your doing is giving her more and more power to twist the knife.

 

People here are giving you advice and your not listening to anyone except digging yourself a deeper hole.

 

Until you find your stones, stop whining, begging and doing tricks for a hand out, your going to get the same thing and to me what's happened is it's getting worse by the day so want to see where the problem lies, look in the mirror and that guy looking back at you is who's to blame.

 

For the last time, stop groveling around, straighten your ass up and quit giving her more ammo to use on you. Once she sees that your not jumping through hoops for her any longer then you can find yourself on equal footing with her.

[GorillaTheater]

Northy, you were just starting to get your power back by blowing off her BS texts. You f*cked up, but the good thing is that you just get back on the horse and start again.

 

But you're going to save yourself a lot of pain if you stop falling off.

[DSP]

Just came back to this thread. Jumped from page 2 to page 5. Interesting stuff here.

 

You've been given all the advice you could possibly need and from my limited view you have listened to very little.

 

Learn what no contact is. Stop asking open ended questions to her. No more questions about your relationship. If the questions asked do not have the names of your children in the sentence then it isn't the correct question to ask.

 

Pass your children to her. Turn around and walk back inside. Don't say Hi or Bye unless she says it to you. No more tea and biscuits. No more how was your day. No more what's going on in your life. You're not friends. You're co parents now.

 

Honestly out of all the stories I've read on this wonderful forum yours has got to be the only one that actually has a chance of working out. IF you'd JUST DO what you are being told.

 

Since you seem so inclined to make this work do a search for divorce busters. You will get great advice on making a busted up marriage work again.

 

I'm not here to promote these books, but try to find the time to read these:

 

Divorce Busting 180 list

Beyond Anger: A Guide for Men

The Way of the Superior Man

 

I have many more, but this is a start. You need to learn how to be in control of yourself, your emotions, and gain control over your mental and emotional health.

 

Keep being an attentive and loving father. Stay apologetic with your ex, but keep your dignity. Now is not the time for reconciliation. Now is the time for you to listen. Listening is going to heal your ex more than anything else. Listen to her. Agree to some things. Stay silent on those that you don't agree with.

 

I wish you the best of luck with this and your life.

[Mr. Lucky]

Pass your children to her. Turn around and walk back inside. Don't say Hi or Bye unless she says it to you. No more tea and biscuits. No more how was your day. No more what's going on in your life. You're not friends. You're co parents now.

 

Great advice and the only thing that got me over the hump. I developed two rules:

 

1). She couldn't come in the house, I handed our son off on the porch. I also didn't go in her place.

 

2). I set a timer, my goal was to be back in the door in 30 seconds.

 

Early on, you have to do whatever is necessary to keep your sanity and dignity. As things progress, you can build from there...

 

Mr. Lucky