dad favors one child ignores the other

[confusedmandi]

I am recently divorced. We have two kids. daughter is age 4 son is almost 2. Right now I have custody of both kids and exH sees them when he feels like it. He has a new gf so most of his visitation revolves around what she wants to do. Our custody order states that kids live with me and basically we work it out amongst ourselves when he gets visitation. It was done this way because his job works him various shifts/days so he can't do a every other weekend type thing. Now I want him to see the kids as often as possible. The problem is this. He wants to see our daughter only and not our son. He's always been closer to our daughter and our divorce/break up took place shortly after our son was born (he cheated) so he hasn't bonded as much with him. In the last four months he has seen our daughter six times and our son once. He wanted to see our daughter this weekend and I told him he has to take our son as well, that they are a package deal. I understand him wanting to spend time with them separately but he never wants to see our son and that's not fair to our child. I'm not going to have one kid growing up feeling unwanted.

 

So I told him that if he wants to see them, the next time he has to take BOTH kids. He said forget it, he will just never see either one of them again and its my fault.

 

Am I doing the wrong thing? I don't want to hurt my kids but i'm not going to see my son not understand why his sissy gets to see daddy and he is left home or in daycare. Am I damaging them by issuing this ultimatum. I should point out my ex is a narcissist and only happy when he gets his way. He feels I am trying to control him. I am not! I am trying to protect our kids. Any suggestions? am I looking at this wrong?

[Radu]

Is he a real narcissist or are you just throwing the word around ... give examples.

 

 

As for what he is doing ... look up the 'golden child / rotten child' dynamic. You are right to be concerned.

[wizer]

I think you've handled it perfectly.

[confusedmandi]

No he's never been diagnosed as a narcissist but the marriage counselor we went to after meeting with him twice advised me that he is one and if you look up the criteria he fits. He truly believes he is a good father and if you challenge this notion there is hell to pay. Yet the rest of us can clearly see he's not acting as a good father should. I have tried to reason with him, explain how it will hurt our son etc and he flips out on me. Turns it around says I'm a bad mother etc. I have the kids 99 percent of the time. My parents watch them maybe one night a week so I can have some "me" time and I'm always home to have them overnight. He sees them not even once a month.

 

Sorry- examples of narcasism- he will quit a job because people don't worship him or respect his power. if you listen to him describe his accomplishments you would think he is crucial to the company's survival, the best employee they have ever had. Ask his supervisors and he's difficult to get along with, makes rash decisions and is a mediocre employee. He definitely has delusions of grandeur. as long as u kiss his a$$ he is happy and will get along with you (basically act like a doormat and give him tons of praise! and always agree with him) but the second you express an opinion contrary to his he will do everything in his power to make your life miserable. When we were married I saw him as a good guy (until he cheated on me) and after realized that most people in his life see him as a bad guy. I don't know why he is doing this to our kids. Our daughter worships the ground he walks on (another reason he only wants her) and our son loves his dad but doesn't understand why daddy doesn't pay the same attention to him that he does his sister. For example for our daughter's fourth birthday he went all out bought her $100 plus worth of presents and a card, spent the day with her etc. For our son's birthday he bought him NOTHING, no card. Just stopped at the house for ten minutes. Didn't even hug him. It makes me sick.

Edited March 27, 2015 by confusedmandi

[GoBlue]

You are in a very difficult situation and I am sorry to hear about your ex-husband's attitude. As a father of two and a grandfather of one, my heart hurts so deeply over his response. I pray that he has a serious heart change very soon. Have you spoken with a family counselor at all? How about a Pastor? I hesitate to give direct advice but you have to do what you feel is best for your children. This really is a hard one. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[elaine567]

I am so sad for your little boy, that is truly heart breaking.

I know he was the one cheating, but could it be, he doesn't think he is your son's father?

 

I would be inclined to keep your son at home with you and forget he is his father.

Narcissists can be really cruel and abusive. Whilst he is out of your sight, goodness knows what he may do or say to your son as he grows up, to punish you for forcing the issue.

Keep an eye on your daughter too, narcissists tend not to be the best parents and children often suffer long term damage.

[confusedmandi]

He knows he's my son's father. There's not a possibility he's not. I don't cheat and our son was planned.. If I keep my son home I would do the same with my daughter. I should not have to explain y his sister gets to see daddy and he does not. Just as I would not tolerate a man I'm long time seriously dating to ignore or treat one of my kids differently I won't put up with that from their own father

[DatingDirection]

From the sounds of this guy, it seems like it would only be a matter of time, before he left your daughter's life too, regardless of the bond they have with each other. I cannot advise you, but I do wish you the best. Btw, he's totally putting the blame on you, and you are not to blame at all, it was his childish behaviour that put him in this position of saying no altogether in the first place, which is also childish and selfish of him, good riddance to this *******. Those kids have you as a mom, that's good enough, some kids have no mom or dad in this world.

[DatingDirection]

"For example for our daughter's fourth birthday he went all out bought her $100 plus worth of presents and a card, spent the day with her etc. For our son's birthday he bought him NOTHING, no card. Just stopped at the house for ten minutes. Didn't even hug him. It makes me sick."

 

 

That is pure mental/emotional abuse right there. I take it back, you are doing the right thing, by keeping both kids away from that monster/manipulator.

[Tayla]

have the courts designate a guardian ad litem. This person will act on behalf of the children ,while the parents resolve the visitation dynamics. Its not your place to bend due to his employment, if he chooses though to not visit, the courts cannot force him. They can though if you show proof of his disassociation with the younger child, that supervised visits be done. you sound like a fair minded person, and obviously have your kids welfare at heart. Speak with the courts and have this resolved so it doesn't become a problem down the road.

[littleplanet]

Well no - you're not wrong at all to demand that he be responsible to both children. If he understands that his attention is good for his daughter, then the same thing applies to his son.

Strange thing....in some cultures, it would be the opposite. Traditions that value boys and not girls.

But it makes sense that he bonded with the older child.

I saw this go down many years ago, with a good friend of mine. It never really did ultimately get resolved, and in large part because it was not attended to early on.

 

However, if he is as childish as you describe, chances are he will respond to your demands by throwing tantrums. One would then question the validity of his care and concern for either child. Fairness......in a parent, is tantamount to accountable responsibility. This grows ever more important as the kids grow up. They pay attention, and they don't forget.

 

You have custodial control over your children, and also have their best interests at heart. If he needs to grow up a little before he can handle both of them - perhaps that's better then messing them up now.

 

If your daughter winds up becoming the 'favored' child, just imagine the resentment your son will feel toward her as time goes by. It is truly a slap in his little face, and maltreatment that he does not deserve.

So unfortunately, it is up to you to protect him from that, as best you can.

You ultimately cannot control your ex's actions.

But you can control, to some degree - the familial environment that your children grow up in.

 

If he chooses to play you as he did in your marriage, remember that you are no longer married. He cannot control you as he did.

 

Good luck with this. Take care of your kids, and I hope this resolves as positively as it can.

[Taramere]

I would second Tayla's advice, though if an order has already been made and the action is considered settled by the courts then it might be difficult to go down that road (maybe things are different in the US though).

 

I think you're in a very difficult situation, and I also believe that you're handling things well. That you're correct in refusing to collude in your ex's decision to treat the two children differently. However, I also think that it would be wise for you to draft in a bit of professional assistance in determining what's in the best interests of the children here.

 

What child care agencies are currently involved? For instance, I'm presuming at least one of the children is in a nursery. It's the sort of scenario where I would suggest talking to professionals already involved with your kids (nursery, family centre, family doctor) and outlining your concerns about the situation to them. One of those agencies might be able to refer you to a more specialist child professional who can give you advice about the best way forward here.

 

However, do all this in consultation with your lawyer who will be familiar with all aspects of the case - since it may be that if (from the court's perspective) the matter is already decided, you will need to raise a fresh action to vary the existing order. More likely, if professionals are in agreement with you that it's not in the kids' interests to comply with his demands (ie that he only have contact with your doctor and be permitted to ignore your son) then your lawyer will advise you to just go along with the professionals' views and keep both kids at home. Or, perhaps, offer your ex supervised contact. After all, the court order advocates that you sort out the matter of contact between the two of you - so if you don't believe contact with your daughter only is, ultimately, in either child's interests then you're free to say "you're not having contact" or "you can have supervised contact, but given your very irresponsible attitude I'm not prepared to let you have unsupervised contact."

 

Then if your ex wanted to raise an action for contact (with your daughter only) he'd have to face the wrath of a judge who would, I'm sure, take a very hard line towards the attitude he's showing to your son. You, meantime, would be able to demonstrate to the court that stopping contact or having supervised contact only (whatever decision you ultimately reached)was a responsible decision you had taken in consultation with various professionals.

Edited April 26, 2015 by Taramere