We Decided to Kick 19 yo Daughter out

[sumdude]

look, don't take the harsh posts as judging.

people are trying to "shake you up" & show you that you & your W are making a mistake. a lot of us is speaking from similar experiences and we know it isn't easy. you can help her in many other ways, kicking her out won't help.

 

when you kicked her out - you stopped supporting her. because your doors are now closed to her & she will feel like she can't ask you for help. you basically cut off her only safe place, that sucks.

 

Some posts were harsh to try to shake me up, I get that. However some we're downright bullying and condescending to an extreme.

[sumdude]

The main problem I see is that sum dude decided to get involved with a mess of a woman. She made "every mistake in the book" according to him and "had been through the wringer".

 

Plus hooked up with a lot of "azzholes" according to him.

 

So my question is, how has the wife changed?

 

In this thread he says she's a victim, she checked out when her marriage failed and subjected her children to physical and sexual abuse, the other daughter is doing okay so why can't this one?

 

Who knows? Maybe she took the brunt of the abuse because she tried to protect her younger sister? That's common.

 

But rather than blame this 19 year old maybe he should put the blame where it belongs...and look directly at his wife.

 

She is weak. Did he really expect her to have strong children?

 

The hypocrisy of it all is that expectations only are placed on one person...and that's the truest victim in this scenario. The 19 year old.

 

You know nothing about my wife.. nothing...

[Auspecial]

Sumdude: Good luck to you and your family. I think its a good thing that you reached out for support. You and your wife have to be strong with yourselves so you can be strong for your s-daughters.

[amaysngrace]

You know nothing about my wife.. nothing...

 

Well I know what you've said. That's where my quotes came from.

 

You also passed on a bunch of excuses as to why she didn't get her children back as soon as she found out her children were being abused.

 

You've said she got the courts involved which complicates things but courts don't just get involved. The child needs to be neglected for a judge to step in and make decisions for a parent when a parent fails to.

 

It's easy to prove abuse, by the way. It's called a camera. You made an excuse for her there as well when she use to be abused by that husband, this girl's father.

 

But whatever. I am glad I don't know your wife and can't identify with her. I work hard to make sure that I am not like her and always have.

 

I broke that cycle instead of making excuses for why I can't, because I'm a victim, because life's been so hard on me.

 

Bleh.

[sumdude]

Well I know what you've said. That's where my quotes came from.

 

You also passed on a bunch of excuses as to why she didn't get her children back as soon as she found out her children were being abused.

 

You've said she got the courts involved which complicates things but courts don't just get involved. The child needs to be neglected for a judge to step in and make decisions for a parent when a parent fails to.

 

It's easy to prove abuse, by the way. It's called a camera. You made an excuse for her there as well when she use to be abused by that husband, this girl's father.

 

But whatever. I am glad I don't know your wife and can't identify with her. I work hard to make sure that I am not like her and always have.

 

I broke that cycle instead of making excuses for why I can't, because I'm a victim, because life's been so hard on me.

 

Bleh.

 

You've made a lot of assumptions and projections from what I posted. Maybe it's more about you.. I don't know. Best wishes...

[amaysngrace]

You've made a lot of assumptions and projections from what I posted. Maybe it's more about you.. I don't know. Best wishes...

 

That's it. Great answer. Bury your head in the sand some more with your rubber and glue style of self-awareness.

 

Meanwhile there is a young person crying for help from a mother who won't do her job.

 

No wonder why the courts had to come in.

 

Best of luck to your step-daughter. I hope in time she heals.

[BlueIris]

OP, we gave one of my kids an ultimatum about behavior and financial support and she left because she didn’t want to do what was required to live in our house. After a hellish 2-3 years, she’s on track and successful now several years later. It can work. I hope it does for all of you.

[William]

It appears this thread is a reunion of longtime members, old and duplicated, and is trending to the disrespectful so I'll advise folks to calm down a bit and focus on the specifics without editorializing. Thanks so much for your cooperation with this moderation directive.

Edited March 31, 2015 by William

[Quiet Storm]

I don't have time to read the whole thread right now, so I apologize if what I say has already been said by other members...

 

 

My sister is Borderline Personality Disorder and has put my parents through the same things you have experienced since her teens. Many suicide attempts, cutting, drug use, running off, constant drama. She generally makes their life a living hell, although now that she is in her mid 30s she has calmed down a little.

 

They have kicked her out multiple times, but due to her issues, she is unable to take care of herself. When she was out of their house, they were constantly worried because they didn't know if she was prostituting herself, dead of an OD or living in the gutter. For their own peace of mind, they now allow her to live with them and accept her limitations.

 

What I notice in your post is that you expect her to behave normally. You are hoping kicking her out will change her behavior, and if not then at least you are no longer inconvenienced by it. While that may work for someone that has an addiction and has to hit rock bottom, it's not going to work for a mentally ill person. She's not capable of being normal because she's seriously mentally ill. Your expectations of her are way too high and unrealistic. It would be like expecting a person with asthma to never wheeze, or expecting a person with diabetes to eat a cupcake with no problems. You daughter is mentally ill and this is how mentally ill people (especially if she's Borderline) behave. They are impulsive and emotionally unstable. I know how hard it is to sympathize with a person who is making your life hell, but imagine her perspective- "I'm mentally ill, I can't help it and my parents are abandoning me".

 

After many years of going through what you and your wife are experiencing, my parents finally got it. They now accept that she has a serious life long mental illness and they are willing to be her caregivers, the same as they would if they had a paralyzed child or a child with downs syndrome. There is certainly more drama in their household, but they have more peace of mind. They can keep an eye on her and help her manage any meltdowns.

 

You are treating someone who is mentally ill like a rebellious teenager or an addict that needs a wake up call. I understand why, because you are in the early stages of this and are naïve. Your daughter has serious issues that will likely affect her entire life. This isn't just a stage she's going to snap out of.

 

I don't think you should abandon her, and I especially do not understand how your wife can, given that her issues likely stem from the trauma in her childhood. While your wife may not have been the abuser, she did not do her duty as a parent to protect her child, and I would think she would feel some sense of responsibility for what happened to her. If she were my child, and my own issues led to me losing custody, which resulted in her being abused, I would spend my life trying to help my daughter and would protect her, not abandon her.

 

I do understand how difficult it is to live with a person with her issues, but you should handle it the same way as if you had a paraplegic child. You would not abandon them because life was too hard. You'd accept it and deal with it, even though it's not fun. If you had a parent, sibling, spouse or friend with BPD than I would feel that you have no responsibility to them and to detach from them. However, when it is your child, I feel that you are responsible and sending someone with her issues out into the world on her own is just dangerous and wrong.

[LifeNomad]

Hi op this is a very tricky situation, because unless anyone has been in yoru shoes some will agree and some wont, some don't know what its like.

 

 

I had custody of my nephew who was always skipping school, doing drugs and things like that, was constantly going to his school and talking to his councelors, trying out school programs and things of that sort, talked to police offers, it seemed nothing could change this kid, I mean we promised him everything he wanted even a car if he could try to be on the right track, sadly he ended up going to boot camp, came out, went back in to juvenile detention center, im afraid he might end up being institutionalized once he becomes an adult and getting used to being in jail more than in the free world.

 

 

There were times he ran away and each time I did go looking for him, sometimes driving for hours, and sometimes I couldnt help but think I should let him be.

 

 

But anwyays, I guess hes safer in juvy where he cant do any drugs or get into trouble.

 

 

Good luck with your daughter,

[Downtown]

I don't think you should abandon her.

QuietStorm, I wholeheartedly agree. Indeed, I believe that nearly all respondents on this thread agree with you. So does SumDude, who states, "We didn't give up on her, we gave up on a situation that wasn't working. We won't stop supporting her and when she asks for it we're still here for her" (post 46).

My parents finally got it. They now accept that she has a serious life long mental illness and they are willing to be her caregivers, the same as they would if they had a paralyzed child or a child with downs syndrome.

Unlike a paralyzed person, an adult BPDer can be very dangerous to live with. The BPDer is unable to trust, unable to control her emotions, lacks impulse control, and has a distorted perception of her parents' intentions. She therefore is likely to frequently become very abusive -- perhaps even physically abusive -- if her parents fail to enforce strong personal boundaries.

 

When a BPDer is splitting her parents black, she may perceive them to be Hitler incarnate and will treat them accordingly. The result is that some BPDers may kill or physically harm a parent and others will make their parents' lives a living hell by verbally abusing them -- if strict boundaries are not enforced. Having BPD does not give an adult a free pass to abuse her own parents.

 

When it is your child, I feel that you are responsible and sending someone with her issues out into the world on her own is just dangerous and wrong.

As I noted above, it can be even more dangerous for the parents to keep an adult BPDer at home without enforcing strict personal boundaries. At issue, then, is what boundaries to set and what logical consequences to impose when those boundaries are violated. Significantly, this issue has been considered both by the professionals at BPDfamily.com and by the National Alliance on Mental Illness.

 

Both of those groups provide the same "Parents' Bill of Rights," which is largely based on the work of Dr. Jerry Dincin, a psychologist who was Executive Director of the Thresholds Parents Support Group for nearly 40 years. He is an international figure in mental health who used his numerous publications and presentations to advance the state of knowledge about mental health. If you would like to see all ten of the parental rights, please follow the above link. For purposes of this discussion, I will mention only the seventh:

7. The right to express their emotions. Parents have a right to express their feelings about their mentally ill child’s behavior. It is healthy to say “When I hear you talk like that I become angry (or frustrated, or hurt).”

If your child is constantly abusive, unclean, or playing loud music, you need to suggest she or he move out. You can say “Your father and I have decided to live alone together. We will help you find a place to live.”

[Quiet Storm]

I agree with all that downtown, but I still couldn't just kick my kid out. I'm the type to put my kids needs before my own. I feel like if I had them, they're my responsibility, and that extends into adulthood if they are disabled. I feel like BPD is a real disability. So I think for me, my priority wouldn't be to protect myself from her, but to keep her alive, to be the one thing in her life that's stable and consistent, even if she hated me half the time.

 

I used to feel like my parents should kick my sister out and stop caring, but my opinion on that has evolved over the years. They went through stages when they made her leave and it never turned out well. They couldn't detach enough to stop caring. They eventually concluded that throwing her out made things worse. It never sparked responsibility or accountability in her, it just put her in situations where she was exploited, in danger, using more drugs and being around shady people. My parents presence has saved her life multiple times, and if it wasn't for them she'd be dead. I gave up on her, her husband gave up on her. We were done. We both had the attitude "whatever happens happens" and came to terms with her probable end- suicide, alcoholism, overdose, disappearing forever. My parents could never get to that point, though, and I understand now.

 

I think when it's your spouse or sibling, it's easier to just end the relationship and stop caring. But if it was my daughter, I'd help her, even if she hated me. Because no one else will. The tough love approach can work for some problems and addiction, and kicking out a BPD will certainly lead to a peaceful and happier home. I just feel that I wouldn't turn my back on a physically ill child, so I shouldn't for a mentally ill child.

 

The optimal situation would be hospitalization, where you can know they are safe and have a peaceful home. But unfortunately, that rarely happens for any length of time.

[SerCay]

Having children means having a life long responsibility, or at least your children are adults, EMOTIONAL adults.

 

A person's character is fully developed only by 25 approximately, how can you expect a girl of 19 to be an adult?

 

I don't blame you OP, but if I were mom I wouldn't have kicked my child out. I'm sorry to be blunt but I find that selfish. I don't care how much you've tried etc. a mother should not abandon her child. Period.

 

Mentally ill people are to be approached in a certain way, every one of them has a certain way that they need to be approached.

 

Most of them have severe trust issues, so the first thing you'll want to do is build a trust bond. Not find solutions and put them towards them, only to punish when not lived by.

 

I'm sorry if I come across as hostile, I notice my tone but too many parents abandon their children for their own "happiness"

 

In my opinion, these are all things you have to consider when you have children.

 

Would she have put her child out on the street if she had a physical disability? If all resources were gone through? NO. So why would you put a child out that has a psychological illness? WHICH IS CAUSED by her own parents?

 

I hear this happen way too often mannn