Should I be concerned about this woman telling H about her man problems?

[StillHurtin]

H and I went to a work gathering for a new store H starting working at not long ago. H is one of about 200 ppl they hired to work at the new store. I seen an old friend of mine back from HS. Our friendship didn't end very well (she didn't want me to have any friends besides her). Anyhow, I noticed she was there as we were standing a few feet from her. I told H who she was and I didn't know that he worked w/ her. I told him the story and said she was a b!tch back in HS and college. He told me he thought she was really nice, and funny but she was always talking to him about her boyfriend and he couldn't figure out why she would be talking to him about her man problems. I brought it up w/ some other friends and even chuckled about it (b/c she doesn't know he is my H). They said I better watch out for her, that it wasn't good she was talking to H about her man problems. They said it sounded weird she was talking to a MM about her boyfriend problems. I don't think H would even think about having an A w/ her b/c she isn't his type, but then again, either was the OW he had the A w/ either. But the OW he had an A w/ is a lot more attractive than my exfriend also. It makes me wonder why she is talking to H about her man problems (he has only worked there a month, or two, it's not like she knows him that well.) I told H that once she finds out I am his W she will probably stop talking to him. Should I follow my friends advice and "watch out for her" They have no idea who this gal. I don't think H would have another A again as he knows how much he lost the first time, I don't think he will screw it up again, and if he does, I surely can't see him doing it w/ this gal. She is almost 40, has never been married, and has no kids. Nothing wrong w/ that but I am suprised she even has a boyfriend as she never did in HS or college. She never even talked about liking any guys the few years we were friends. She seemed to not want to talk about guys and if I mentioned any guys I was attracted to she would quickly change the subject. She was never into guys (but never mentioned like girls either).

[LucreziaBorgia]

Has she singled your H out, or is she in the habit of bothering men in general with her problems? If she's singling him out - then just stay aware and on alert. No need to jump the gun just yet, but it never hurts to keep your eyes open. Though she may already know you are his W, it can't hurt to find an excuse to remind her yourself. Then she at least knows you are aware. If she starts calling, emailing or making attempts to 'hang out' off the clock then you can start taking some action.

[StillHurtin]

Thanks for your reply. I don't honestly know if she has singled H out, or if she is complaining to other male co-workers about her BF problems. I am going to do as you advice though and keep my eyes open. I can easily get someone else to tell her that he is my H b/c her sister and I still talk and we work for the same agency (but in different areas). I don't care to ever talk to her again. She was a b!tch and I thought it was pretty darn immature, and rude of her to tell me I can't go out w/ other friends w/o checking w/ her first. I even seen her at the store one day last summer and she gave me the evil eye. I didn't do anything, just went on w/ my business. I honestly don't think if he was going to have an A he would have one w/ her.

[StillHurtin]

H didn't get home until after I went to bed last night so I asked him this morning in (joking around, I wasn't mad, or accussing) if she had talk to him about her man problems yest. He got kind of denfensive and said that she didn't just talked to him directly about it, a bunch of the employees would be working in an area and she would always be talking about her boyfriend. So, from H has said, she isn't talking to him directly. But he got defensive about it like I was accusing him of doing something wrong (I wasn't, I just asked) and he told me he is going to stop telling me things if I am going to take it like someone else is hitting on him or flirting. Isn't that kind of like lying? To keep things from me he use to tell me? I never once bitched or yelled at him about it, so I don't know why he is getting so ticked and defensive about it. Trust me, I know he wont have an A w/ this woman, I know for sure. And if he does, OMGOSH, I wont say what will happen. Once it gets around he wont want to leave his house!

[jade_nc]

might he have gotten defensive because he still feels guilty about the A? my H didn't have an affair, but he hurt me badly - and even months later, if i asked (out of curiousity) about where he was, he would get upset and say i was putting him under a microscope.....later he told me that it wasn't me he was upset with, it was himself. that he still felt guilty for hurting me and everytime i asked certain types of questions, it reminded him of his mistake and the problems it's caused in our marriage.

[Owl]

Just my thoughts. Tell him that after all that you've learned on this site about how affairs begin, that while you've re-learned to trust him, you've also learned how important it is to keep 'boundaries' with opposite sex friends. And one of those boundaries is talking about relationship problems with them. I can tell you in my case, that is EXACTLY how my wife's EA got started...and a LOT of times that's how it starts.

 

So gently let him know that. Tell him it's not that you don't trust him, or her. It's that you're worried something could start completely innocently, and change over time. Ask him to put that boundary up...just politely let her know that talking about her man problems isn't something that he's comfortable with, and that he'd prefer not to be included in those conversations.

 

Don't accuse...just talk with him about it. Good luck friend!

[StillHurtin]

Thanks everyone for the advice. I don't think I really have to have any concerns anymore. And TBH I really don't know why I even had any concerns. I realize that mm don't always have A w/ the OW b/c they are more attractive than their W b/c that's not true. I am more attractive than the OW and I take care of myself more than the OW (every time I seen her she looked like she just jumped out of bed. Her hair was always greesy and messy). The OW H had the A w/ isn't as attractive as me, but she is a lot more outgoing, has a lot more energy, loves to be fliratious, and paid a lot of attention to H. The had sports in common, and we didn't.

 

I guess what bothers me is that I don't want ANY woman flirting w/ H anymore. I didn't like it b4 the A but I knew he was coming home to me (or going home w/ me). Woman flirted w/ H a lot. Even his best friends wife told him that if he wasn't married she would take him home (needless to say she had an affair w/ someone else after that). There was a married couple H worked w/ and we hung out a little and every time the guys W would constantly hit on H and she would even do it right in front of me. Her H was always so pi$$ed at her. And we were friends w/ their neighbors and he told me he heard them fighting when they got home about us. He was pi$$ed b/c she was flirting w/ H and she was pi$$ed b/c he was flirting w/ me (I didn't flirt back, YUCK!) I heard they were swingers shortly after that, lol.

 

A barmaid that use to go out w/ one of his friends was hitting on him one night also. She was standing in front of him rubbing his waist w/ her hands talking to him. The next day dh took me into the bar for a drink b/c I wanted to see how she would act when I was around. She seemed uncomfortable and nervous. I am very uncomfortable w/ woman flirting w/ him, attractive, or not. I just don't like it. And I don't think H will ever tell me if a woman flirts w/ him anymore b/c he knows how much I don't like it.