scarlettohara Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 (edited) I have been dating a guy for 5 months. Overall he treats me well but I have serious trust issues from past relationships. We are exclusive but not BF GF yet. The issue is he has two facebook pages, one professional (which I am on) and one personal. He has not added me to the personal one. I was looking on his personal page one day and saw that he made a sexual comment to a friend of his and it upset me; I confronted him about it and it made him upset, and me more so that he still hasnt added me to the page. he is worried I will get more upset from seeing comments; my argument is...what is it you are hiding? he did unrestrict his "personal page so i could see he has nothing to hide..." but still wondering even before there was the issue he would not add. It sends me red flags but not sure... But last night he was out of town drinking with a buddy and he added a bartender from a bar he was at to his personal page. He only has liek 150 friends on it, all family and high school friends...so I am hurt that he has not added me to his personal page yet will a bartender (who is much younger and hotter). I asked him about it on the phone and he said she was being cool and giving him and his friend free drinks. That he did so in case he went back it wold be a good contact. I think since we havent committed fully it is bothering me, but the FB issue as stupid as it is, is causing issues. Opinion? Edited March 27, 2015 by scarlettohara Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Ok first off, this post just shows why I hate Facebook overall. Anyways, let us get to the meat of this: first off your third sentence doesn't make sense. You are exclusive, but not boyfriend and girlfriend? Well, okay. So is this a "we can bang each other, but not other people, but there are no feelings involved between us" type of relationship or..what? The only way your sentence begins to make sense is if you are friends with benefits who just decided not go gain other benefits from any other friends during the time you guys are benefiting each other. So then..his having two facebook pages(christ almighty, really, he needs two?) is one thing, but his not putting you on his "personal" page is weird even if you were just a bang buddy. But yeah if he will add bartenders to his personal page but not you? It is time to set him free. It might not even mean he ever intended to DO anything with the bartender, but that slight enough would be enough to make me tell the person I'm done with them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lunay Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 He's scoping other girls still, and doesn't want to add you for that exact reason. Otherwise, what gives? He can add random bartenders but not you? Red Flag. Honestly I'd break up with him before the situation becomes more shady. Find someone who isn't going to hide you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author scarlettohara Posted March 27, 2015 Author Share Posted March 27, 2015 Hi Spectre! Well, on the comment you didnt understand: we both agreed in the beginning we wanted to take it slow...and only about 2-3 months ago did we talk about dating exclusivly. No I love yous or anything exchanged...I think I am hyper sensitive because I have developed feelings for him. But I agree, I think it's weird he has two FB pages. It makes sense somehow in that the professional one has people he doesnt know well; but the other one has some ex gfs and stuff of that nature. Im alarmed that he wont add me...now he says its because I got upset over his posts. Also what bothers me is he tells other girls they are looking good, or are pretty or beautiful on his page and he does not say those things to me. Plus all the secrecy has me worried. Link to post Share on other sites
badpenny Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 And just to be clear, this has nothing to do with Facebook. This has everything to do with issues between the two of you. 5 months 'exclusive' - but not BF/GF...? How the heck does that work - ?! My H and I were 'exclusive' AND an official couple on the day we met - !! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author scarlettohara Posted March 27, 2015 Author Share Posted March 27, 2015 He's scoping other girls still, and doesn't want to add you for that exact reason. Otherwise, what gives? He can add random bartenders but not you? Red Flag. Honestly I'd break up with him before the situation becomes more shady. Find someone who isn't going to hide you. That is what I tried to convey to him. He said its not like that...that these are people he knows from school and so on. There are only 150 people on his private page but I do feel like he is hiding me and told him exactly that. I am worried he has committment issues but not sure yet...we both are battled scarred. he is very good looking and works out and knows it...and in being honest told me of his cad ways in the past...so I really dont think this is a good sign. I dont even know at this point if he did add me to his personal page if it would help. Im hoping its just be being crazy because i have feelings and cant handle it and fear getting hurt. But this is already hurting me. Link to post Share on other sites
mercuryshadow Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 5 months is a long time with no commitment. If you are not exclusive, then he can pretty much do what he wants with regards to other women. But if you WISH to be exclusive and it hasn't happened yet, the reasons why are no mystery. It seems like the two of you may be on different pages. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author scarlettohara Posted March 27, 2015 Author Share Posted March 27, 2015 yeah I agree totally. That is why I am freaking out over something like FB which, I never had issue with before. I always thought people put too much stock into it...but thats before I was with someone I cared about who did these things. Looks like I may have to have a talk to him...men hate the talk but not really sure what to do here. I have already talked to him more than once about this issue and if I continue to nag the result will be bad anyways. But I dont feel overall he is treating me right. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mercuryshadow Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 Well, Facebook has changed the dynamic of relationships, and probably not for the better. You do, however, get a bigger window into your partner's world that you may not have otherwise had. Again, Facebook is largely to blame for making sexual banter and or opportunities to cheat and so forth, more accessible. That is not to say that everyone who uses Facebook will engage in those behaviors, but for someone who does (such as your guy, here), it is to your benefit to have that "window". Be glad that he was foolish enough to air his dirty laundry like that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
barcode88 Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 It sounds like he's keeping you as an option and isn't fully committed to you. If you're 5 months in and exclusive, you should be BF/GF, most people see both these terms as synonomous. Link to post Share on other sites
Author scarlettohara Posted March 27, 2015 Author Share Posted March 27, 2015 I agree. Dont think he is on the same page...He is still in contact daily...calls and texts and we spend the weekends togther but in the fact he has not "claimed" me...I guess this is a warning that something isnt right. Only he will be able to tell me, that is why I came here to get some advice before I pursue the topic further. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 This why you are not BG/GF. He doesn't want to be because he is keeping his options open. He is just using you as a pin cushion until he finds something else. Yes this a red flag! you have been seeing each other for 5 MONTHS, and still is keeping you at arms length. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 I think you need to face the fact that this is a FWB situation and that you're not going to be added into this immediate circle of friends on facebook. What you do from this point depends upon what kind of shambles your self esteem is in and if you need him as a boyfriend that badly. I, myself, would not spend 5 months with someone having sex with him without some kind of declaration made with regards to being committed to one another. FWB can be exclusive, too--they just don't get the commitment nor the inclusion into the "inner circle". Might want to rethink the wisdom in being with this guy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 We are exclusive but not BF GF yet. This is why. You are are still 'dating' and getting to know one another. Have you met any of his friends? Family? Has he met yours? If no, then why should he add you to his personal fb page? Link to post Share on other sites
HansonGirl Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 (edited) Hi Spectre! Well, on the comment you didnt understand: we both agreed in the beginning we wanted to take it slow...and only about 2-3 months ago did we talk about dating exclusivly. No I love yous or anything exchanged...I think I am hyper sensitive because I have developed feelings for him. But I agree, I think it's weird he has two FB pages. It makes sense somehow in that the professional one has people he doesnt know well; but the other one has some ex gfs and stuff of that nature. Im alarmed that he wont add me...now he says its because I got upset over his posts. Also what bothers me is he tells other girls they are looking good, or are pretty or beautiful on his page and he does not say those things to me. Plus all the secrecy has me worried. I think you are blinded by love and wanting to make this work. But from an outside perspective, anybody can see how messed up the situation is. for the following reasons: 1) You have been dating "exclusively" for FIVE MONTHS and still cannot call it a girlfriend/boyfriend? five months is a LONG time. Some people get engaged by 6 months! yet you're almost there and he doesn't want to put a label on it? I understand you are taking it "slow" but why does that mean he cannot say you're his girlfriend? there's slow and then there's snail-pace. I don't think you guys are really even "dating," whatever he is leading you to believe! 2) He refuses to add you to his "personal" facebook page. You are only on the professional page. So i guess dating you and sleeping together (I assume you are) is just business as usual for him? not "personal"? 3) while you aren't allowed on the personal page, Trixie the bartender is because she generously gave him some free drinks? After knowing each other for a few hours? You've dated him for five months and haven't even gotten access to the precious facebook page. I totally would feel slighted by that. If this was me, I'd have enough of this nonsense. You sound very nice. TOO Nice, and i think he knows that. He knows that you're just eating up whatever he tells you and still being nice to him and dating him. And the more this happens the more cockamamie stories he will tell you in order to prolong this non-BF/GF arms-length status for another 5 months. Edited March 28, 2015 by HansonGirl 1 Link to post Share on other sites
benjamin100 Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 Extreme it may be but can personal Facebook pages be a no go area in the relationship or does that ludicrous. I know that peoples feelings were less hurt before 'friend' websites like the poisonous Facebook and Twitter. Why people want to reveal their personal life to the public I will never comprehend. Link to post Share on other sites
HansonGirl Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 Extreme it may be but can personal Facebook pages be a no go area in the relationship or does that ludicrous. I know that peoples feelings were less hurt before 'friend' websites like the poisonous Facebook and Twitter. Why people want to reveal their personal life to the public I will never comprehend. My solution was to deactivate facebook altogether! i log on occasionally and add people as friends, but stay on for maybe a day or a couple days. then i deactivate again for like a month or something Link to post Share on other sites
benjamin100 Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 My solution was to deactivate facebook altogether! i log on occasionally and add people as friends, but stay on for maybe a day or a couple days. then i deactivate again for like a month or something I honestly think, if it's possible, it's best to make it a no-go area. It seems to get in people's and sooner or later it becomes religion to some. I despise it, as it is currently a contributory factor to my marriage crisis. I wish that there was an instant way of deactivating a Facebook page. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 FB is stupid but I can appreciate how this is getting under your skin. It's like he's keeping you at arm's length but letting other women in. It feels unfair. I'd talk to him. Link to post Share on other sites
benjamin100 Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 My solution was to deactivate facebook altogether! i log on occasionally and add people as friends, but stay on for maybe a day or a couple days. then i deactivate again for like a month or something CORRECTION TO PREVIOUS POSTING -Sorry! I honestly think, if it's possible, it's best to make it a no-go area. It seems to get in people's HEAD & PSYCHE and sooner or later it becomes religion to some. I despise it, as it is currently a contributory factor to my marriage crisis. I wish that there was an instant way of deactivating a Facebook page. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 I think FB is as evil or good as the person using it is, but then again, I'm not in my 20's and I can see it for what it is. OP's guy, whether or not FB exists, is in this for a FWB, not a relationship and OP needs to face that fact. If FB didn't exist, at the 5 month mark she still would not have been brought around the friends and the family because that is his intention. Methinks this whole "relationship" exists only in OP's head, hence his doing what he is doing. Link to post Share on other sites
HansonGirl Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 I think FB is as evil or good as the person using it is, but then again, I'm not in my 20's and I can see it for what it is. OP's guy, whether or not FB exists, is in this for a FWB, not a relationship and OP needs to face that fact. If FB didn't exist, at the 5 month mark she still would not have been brought around the friends and the family because that is his intention. Methinks this whole "relationship" exists only in OP's head, hence his doing what he is doing. I agree with this! Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 I have been dating a guy for 5 months. Overall he treats me well but I have serious trust issues from past relationships. We are exclusive but not BF GF yet. The issue is he has two facebook pages, one professional (which I am on) and one personal. He has not added me to the personal one. I was looking on his personal page one day and saw that he made a sexual comment to a friend of his and it upset me; I confronted him about it and it made him upset, and me more so that he still hasnt added me to the page. he is worried I will get more upset from seeing comments; my argument is...what is it you are hiding? he did unrestrict his "personal page so i could see he has nothing to hide..." but still wondering even before there was the issue he would not add. It sends me red flags but not sure... But last night he was out of town drinking with a buddy and he added a bartender from a bar he was at to his personal page. He only has liek 150 friends on it, all family and high school friends...so I am hurt that he has not added me to his personal page yet will a bartender (who is much younger and hotter). I asked him about it on the phone and he said she was being cool and giving him and his friend free drinks. That he did so in case he went back it wold be a good contact. I think since we havent committed fully it is bothering me, but the FB issue as stupid as it is, is causing issues. Opinion? Young Lady, The purpose of having 2 FB pages generally USED to be if you played that complete waste of time Mafia Wars and used other accounts as a "looter" so you could get gid items which you the switched to your main account. I agree with most of the posters here that Five months is a long enough time investment for your Boyfriend to make up his mind as to whether or not he would like to be in an exclusive relationship with you. Don't get me wrong. I'm sure some people have multiple FB pages for professional and personal uses...HOWEVER.... When you are in an exclusive relationship with someone and have not added them on your personal page or listed them as part of their relationship status then you must assume at that point that you are a relationship of convenience for him. Facebook in and of itself is not evil if used for the purpose it was intended. However it does provide a vehicle by which people can attempt to embellish their self importance so they can convince the,selves their lives are not mundane as the rest of ours really are. I don't give a hoot in hell what type of agreement you have in place with this guy, but if I most people that are in a relationship are more than happy to list that they are, and who with. Anything less than that would have me questioning my relationship as well. That being said, as bad as this is going to sound to you, what I am about to say is not with the intent to hurt or upset you, but to come to terms with where you fit in this guy's life and to take action to extricate yourself from this situation....You're nothing more to him than a steady piece of tail he can rely on while he can make sure he keeps on looking for the next fresh thing to come along down the pike. Bartenders get hit on ALL the time, as it's part of their job to be as charming as possible in order to get old farts like me to buy drinks and leer at them in the mirror and try to sneak a peek down their shirts when they are pouring me a shot....So take it for what it is, but Hot bartenders usually don't get added to some guy's Facebook page unless he has been a great tipper or she has some interest in him. Unless he tipped her at least 40 bucks in one night I would venture to guess their is some mutual interest there. Again I''m not trying to be mean, I'm just being honest as a guy who has been around the block a lot of times and is literally surprised by nothing anymore when it comes to social interaction. Do yourself a favor and let him go now, so in 6 months you won't be back here bemoaning the fact that you caught this guy in bed with somebody else. You are worth more than being someone else's 2nd string. Good Luck:) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 Doesn't sound like he's hiding much. He's just blatantly letting you know he flirts around and doesn't want to hear any crap about it. So now you know where you stand. He's not that invested in you and probably never will be. Stop being faithful and loyal to him and go have fun. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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