Received this message, or the only closure I'll get. Break it down for me ..

[GoldieLox]

For some strange reason MM, in particular, think it's a good idea to be "friends" afterwards.

 

I have no idea why they do this. ...

 

Why they can't just let go is beyond me.

 

my theory is it's either to keep us around on a string incase they change their minds, or it's just out of guilt if they're the one ending it.

[whichwayisup]

He's being selfish, wanting a friendship. He isn't thinking of how you are feeling, if you're hurting etc.

 

If you write him back, tell him no friendship. All that will mean is, he gets the best out of both worlds, gets you in his life as an EA and you get shafted, still having feelings for him and preventing you from letting go and healing/getting over him.

 

Time to block him. He made his choice, his wife and family and with that choice he loses you.

[AlwaysGrowing]

For some strange reason MM, in particular, think it's a good idea to be "friends" afterwards.

 

I have no idea why they do this. ...

 

Why they can't just let go is beyond me.

 

Many MM are conflict avoidant, KISA types....who want to be thought of as a "good guy". Their need for external validation is that great. Why? Because they know what they have done makes them not a "good guy", and they need someone to tell them that they are a "good guy". Why? Because someone telling them they are a "good guy" is easier than the actual work to be a good guy.

[Satu]

No contact, no contact, no contact.

[Chasing_mya]

Please do not respond. He's made his decision and you need to stand firm on yours of NC and move on. He doesn't need an explanation. He went back home so he needs to keep his focus there. All these questions are irrelevant right now and doesnt' serve you in the least bit. You should block all levels of communication. Wishing you the best!

[the_artist_1970]

For some strange reason MM, in particular, think it's a good idea to be "friends" afterwards.

 

I have no idea why they do this. ...

 

Why they can't just let go is beyond me.

 

Friends don't let their friends drive drunk and friends don't keep their "friends" a secret from their real life.

[Popsicle]

Friends don't let their friends drive drunk and friends don't keep their "friends" a secret from their real life.

 

Tell him that, not me. He's the one who wanted to be friends. I wonder why, hmmm......

[Lurkeraspect]

Tell him that, not me. He's the one who wanted to be friends. I wonder why, hmmm......

 

Of course he wants to remain friends. It's either an attempt to ease his conscious or a ploy to keep the OP waiting and in the wings should he get some free time to play.

 

OP, I truly hope you've had enough and let this one go...for good.

[Grapesofwrath]

The email concerns itself with him and his feelings. That this is tough for him, weighing on him, awkward for him. He's not thinking about you or your feelings at all, that much is clear. He did what was easiest for him, even though it was cowardly. All his behavior points toward being a weak coward. He is a child who "can't help" how he acts? Of course he can help how he acts.

 

I know this is painful right now, and a total slap in the face. But I can't overstate to you how much better off you are without him in your life. He is showing you who he is. He was showing you before, too, but now he's giving you the same crappy treatment he's been showing his BS all this time.

 

My guess is that he is worried he's about to get caught. Or he has found someone else to sleep with, which I know also hurts, but is something that men like this do.

 

I'm sorry it hurts. It won't hurt forever.

[Grapesofwrath]

He sent you that to make himself feel better. It's full of avoidant language and a total lack of willingness to take responsibility for himself. Once again, no apology. No responsibility. I''m also willing to bet that he told his BS that he would go NC with you, and he is breaking that promise.

 

Don't respond. that last sentence is an invitation to engage in dialogue. Don't bite. Keep your power. This is not a man you need in your life. NC, one day at a time, heal yourself.

[Grapesofwrath]

For some strange reason MM, in particular, think it's a good idea to be "friends" afterwards.

 

I have no idea why they do this. ...

 

Why they can't just let go is beyond me.

 

* they do it to make themselves feel better.

* they do it for damage control. (if you're "friends, you're less likely to out them to their BS)

* They do it to maintain the option to go back, if they choose.

[Grapesofwrath]

Many MM are conflict avoidant, KISA types....who want to be thought of as a "good guy". Their need for external validation is that great. Why? Because they know what they have done makes them not a "good guy", and they need someone to tell them that they are a "good guy". Why? Because someone telling them they are a "good guy" is easier than the actual work to be a good guy.

 

KISA = ?

 

I think you've nailed it here. I remember on our first date hearing about how he is a "good husband" and a "man of faith." How he is the source of advice and council for others about how to be a "good husband" and that is how he is viewed in his community.

 

At that moment, the little voice inside me told me to get up and leave. Throw my drink in his face and leave. Now I wish I had (except maybe without the dramatic gesture.)

[elaine567]

 

He wrote in italic:

So I’ve been thinking about this and I’ve been going back and forth on whether to respond but I feel I must. I am confused by your email – “I figured after all of this, we could at least remain friends.”

 

I’d love to have this. I often think that I would’ve rather had that than all of the other. We wouldn’t be where we are. Didn’t we try this before and it didn’t work?

He doesn't want to be friends with you.

 

He wrote in italic:

This part bothers me - "yet 4 days prior I was good enough to sleep with. I have never in my life felt so used.

You got what you wanted, decided you had your fill and were done. Coming to that realization stung, but better for me to accept that now than to always wonder.”

I don’t think any of that is fair to say. Honestly, I don’t think you really mean that but correct me if I’m wrong.

He doesn't think he used you and he thinks it is unfair of you to say so.

 

YOU need to be done here, this is not the email of someone who thinks he made a mistake or someone who is going to apologise to you. There is nothing to be gained here but more heart ache for you. Keep pushing him and I guess he will start with the home truths and that will not be pleasant for you to hear.

 

NC, NC, NC and stick with it this time.

[Lion Heart]

For some strange reason MM, in particular, think it's a good idea to be "friends" afterwards.

 

I have no idea why they do this. ...

 

Why they can't just let go is beyond me.

 

Those MMs who "want to 'stay friends'" beware! They're keeping you on the backburner as they've already done the hard work to get you in a position where they can pop in and out of your life.... for as long as they want to OR as long as YOU put up with their kibbles.

 

DEFINITELY read and DO the 180. It's NEVER about getting them back. It's ALL ABOUT YOUR HEALING from a relationship with a person who has lied and cheated and deceived. Who may be pendulumming from W to AP to W to AP because the truth is they want both!

And they'd just LOVE it if everyone just fell into THEIR plan and was deliriously happy about it, as they would be.

They're no good for you? The 180.

It's about putting your life back together for BSs after our D Day shattered it to smithereens, taking the families we built together with it. I'm sorry you lose a relationship. We lose a lifetime of promises, family and more.

 

The 180 for spouses is far more difficult to do than APs because we've got FAR more to untangle but when we KNOW WHO they really are, the 180 is our only hope for survival.

 

Lion Heart.