Received this message, or the only closure I'll get. Break it down for me ..

[ShatteredHearts]

We were NC for almost 3 weeks, until I caved earlier this week and emailed him. He had gone NC with no heads up or anything and I was completely taken back by it. I had passed him in the break room and he acted like I didn't exist. After a year and a half, I felt I was owed an explanation. In the email I said regardless of how he felt about me, there was no need for awkwardness if we ran into each other at work. I also said that he couldn't even give me the respect to tell me things were over to my face, yet could sleep with me a few days prior. This was his reply:

 

First of all I felt really awkward this morning. I can’t help how I felt and how I acted. I honestly didn’t feel good about it. Second, my sudden drop of contact was a ****ty thing to do. I just didn’t want to perpetuate this or give you any mixed signals. I thought about the decent thing to do but didn’t think any good would come from it. Maybe it was the easy way out… This whole thing is still weighing on me and mentally draining. None of this is easy for me. I thought the break in contact was best, for both of us. Today is a bad day for me and is the reason I acted the way I did this morning. I don’t have a good explanation.

 

Thoughts? And why is it still weighing on him and "mentally draining?" He got rid of me, that should be a huge weight off his shoulders, right?

[GoldieLox]

It sounds straightforward to me. He wanted to end it, for whatever reason, and found it easier to just start pushing you away. It's common. If he said it wasn't easy for him, he's obviously having a hard time with this and feels conflicted. Were there feelings involved? What are the dynamics of this? Is he married, is it possible his wife found out? The mentally draining part could be referring to living two lives. I don't believe I've read a thread started by you sharing your story. Some more details might provide some better insight.

[darkmoon]

he replied, which he did not have to do, and mentally draining is not what you want to hear, stop draining him, be brief just tell him to come back single, i had one who did

[Blu72]

I think he is telling you he just can't do this anymore and he went NC because that was the easiest thing to do for him (and mistakenly thought it was best for you as well). He knew the right thing to do was to discuss this with you but thought nothing good could come of that (maybe thinking you both would talk each other out of ending it).

[Quiet Storm]

First of all I felt really awkward this morning. I can’t help how I felt and how I acted. I honestly didn’t feel good about it.

 

I am a jerk and avoid conflict. That's just how I am.

 

Second, my sudden drop of contact was a ****ty thing to do. I just didn’t want to perpetuate this or give you any mixed signals. I thought about the decent thing to do but didn’t think any good would come from it. Maybe it was the easy way out…

 

I want to end this, but was too cowardly to give you an explanation. I just wanted to pretend you don't exist, because I am a jerk and avoid conflict.

 

This whole thing is still weighing on me and mentally draining. None of this is easy for me. I thought the break in contact was best, for both of us. Today is a bad day for me and is the reason I acted the way I did this morning. I don’t have a good explanation.

 

I have a lot of issues. I don't want to feel responsible for your feelings.

[Satu]

*Why* will never be known.

[Snotra]

I, I, I, I, I, my, me, I, I, me, me, I, us, me, I, I.

[ShatteredHearts]

It sounds straightforward to me. He wanted to end it, for whatever reason, and found it easier to just start pushing you away. It's common. If he said it wasn't easy for him, he's obviously having a hard time with this and feels conflicted. Were there feelings involved? What are the dynamics of this? Is he married, is it possible his wife found out? The mentally draining part could be referring to living two lives. I don't believe I've read a thread started by you sharing your story. Some more details might provide some better insight.

 

GoldieLox, I posted an update about a week ago. Sorry, should have updated that one! He is married, confessed this past summer and moved out to his own place. Basically was toggling between the two of us for months bc he said he didn't know what he wanted. It just hurts bc all along he said he never wanted to lose out friendship, but I guess he had a change of heart. I believe he is attempting to work things out with her, but still hasn't moved back yet.

[whichwayisup]

 

First of all I felt really awkward this morning. I can’t help how I felt and how I acted. I honestly didn’t feel good about it. Second, my sudden drop of contact was a ****ty thing to do. I just didn’t want to perpetuate this or give you any mixed signals. I thought about the decent thing to do but didn’t think any good would come from it. Maybe it was the easy way out… This whole thing is still weighing on me and mentally draining. None of this is easy for me. I thought the break in contact was best, for both of us. Today is a bad day for me and is the reason I acted the way I did this morning. I don’t have a good explanation.

My translation of what I think he means:

 

I don't want drama, I did what was best for me, distance myself from you. I am drained and tired, didn't want to have to talk it out and have to deal with your emotions and sadness. I don't like how I feel and this is how I handle stressful and emotional situations. At work I ignored you because I really didn't want to get into it or have any conversation.

[privategal]

My translation of what I think he means:

 

I don't want drama, I did what was best for me, distance myself from you. I am drained and tired, didn't want to have to talk it out and have to deal with your emotions and sadness. I don't like how I feel and this is how I handle stressful and emotional situations. At work I ignored you because I really didn't want to get into it or have any conversation.

 

Exactly as I took it and I am so sorry...I was in this EXACT spot...almost a verbatim email and he was cold toward any follow up emotions from me so keep those to yourself. It's gonna hurt to be cast out...ugh...but keep your dignity.

Only his happiness and comfort matter and Id give him radio silence not even a glance, no email, no responding to breadcrumbs, he will waver from guilt and needing your emotional support but if you give it to him, you also give up your self respect.

This is disgusting and cold how he has treated you and the only only only reason he is squirming is cause he still has to face you and cant get away from that.

Hes hurt cause he hurt himself and ruined his comfort and easy situation and has two women upset and no sex.

Sucks to be him....you have ALL the power now.

Keep it forever and walk away, this loser can offer you NOTHING.

Im telling you now, please trust me, no matter what he says or does...NO ONE TREATS A FRIEND THIS WAY EVVVVEER and it was PREMEDITATED you were supposed to just get the hint and go away and he's annoyed he was put on the spot and forced to cough up some bs half assed email.

Nowhere in that email did he say I'm SORRY, I love you, I miss you, I know how your hurting...n-o-t-h-i-n-g about you or to comfort you.

Im so pissed. Keep walking girl. F-cking selfish pig.

[ShatteredHearts]

That is one thing that jumped out to me - he never once said he was sorry. Even after being called out on how he did it, he agreed it was wrong but couldn't even say "I'm sorry." I'm really trying to see him for what he is, and I'm starting to but it's a process for sure. Every other time we would break things off and go NC, he'd come back saying how miserable he was, that he couldn't stand not talking to me. Now all the sudden he can toss me aside and move on like I meant nothing.

It's a really hard pill to swallow.

It's all about him and his feelings. I was there whenever he needed me, until he had enough and is done. And no, he wasn't a friend bc friends don't treat one another like that. There was no ounce of sympathy or remorse in that email. He sounded sharp, cold and callous. I'm merely nothing more than a painful reminder that he'd like to forget.

[Rainbow00]

My translation of what I think he means:

 

I don't want drama, I did what was best for me, distance myself from you. I am drained and tired, didn't want to have to talk it out and have to deal with your emotions and sadness. I don't like how I feel and this is how I handle stressful and emotional situations. At work I ignored you because I really didn't want to get into it or have any conversation.

 

 

This. He's just looking for a non confrontational easy way out. Best case is he had feelings for you and knew if he did it face to face he would be sad and weak and didn't want to see you hurting. Worst case is he doesn't care and just wants the fastest and most painless (for him) way of telling you it's over.

 

Either way, it's a half assed effort and I wouldn't read more into it. It's hard, I sit here dissecting every word and interaction right before NC from my exMM too. But we can't move forward while dwelling on the past.

[GoldieLox]

GoldieLox, I posted an update about a week ago. Sorry, should have updated that one! He is married, confessed this past summer and moved out to his own place. Basically was toggling between the two of us for months bc he said he didn't know what he wanted. It just hurts bc all along he said he never wanted to lose out friendship, but I guess he had a change of heart. I believe he is attempting to work things out with her, but still hasn't moved back yet.

 

That's interesting that he moved out... unfortunately, I think whichwayisup hit the nail on the head. I know how you feel to a certain degree. xMM and I were together just the night before it ended for good, however he handled it very different than yours did.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting. He seems very emotionally blocked and avoidant. People who are this way are usually more trouble than they're worth.

[Rainbow00]

That's interesting that he moved out... unfortunately, I think whichwayisup hit the nail on the head. I know how you feel to a certain degree. xMM and I were together just the night before it ended for good, however he handled it very different than yours did.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting. He seems very emotionally blocked and avoidant. People who are this way are usually more trouble than they're worth.

 

Goldie, how did yours end? Do you think it was easier or harder to deal with?

 

I know getting an email like this would make me analyze the crap out of it, even though I wouldn't want to. It's just so concrete and tangible to keep reading over and over. At least a conversation fades with time

[Cinnimon]

I know exactly how you feel. The BS on the infidelity board use something called the 180, they use is as a tool to not only help themselves cope but also as a tool to snap the WS's head back on. ( no offense to BS's that's just what I get from it) I think you should do the same to your XMM, not to get him back but to help yourself and honestly give him a taste of his own medicine. I would fake it till I make it at work, smile and shine, act as if whatever , no big deal. Don't even look his way, don't connect with him AT ALL. Hopefully after a while you won't be faking it anymore. Take back your power.

[GoldieLox]

Goldie, how did yours end? Do you think it was easier or harder to deal with?

 

I know getting an email like this would make me analyze the crap out of it, even though I wouldn't want to. It's just so concrete and tangible to keep reading over and over. At least a conversation fades with time

 

There was a conversation. There was a lot of "I'm sorry" involved. Tears. Regret. I'm still f-cking pissed at him for sleeping with me the night before then kicking me to the curb the next day, not so much that it ended. We both knew it had to end for many different reasons, most of which we were going to end up resenting each other, screw ourselves over with our jobs, and there really wasn't an ending in sight. He would never leave his kids, and I didn't want to leave my husband. He just decided to be the one to end it. We don't speak or even look at each other at work. He knows I don't want to talk to him, and quite frankly, I'm not sure we can even be around each other. We were like magnets. Don't get me wrong, though. This is just the whole thing in a nutshell. Just because there was a conversation doesn't mean it wasn't incredibly painful. The whole 10 months were incredibly painful.

[Rainbow00]

Goldie, that sounds similar to mine. Instead of sleeping together right before it ended, he acted so loving and excited and happy to see me. And then 180ed on me. do you think men get a rush of power knowing they had pulled us so close just to drop us down again?

 

We also both knew it had to end eventually, like you he was never going to leave his kids and I didn't want to formally divorce my husband (though we aren't really "together" but I digress). We both had our jobs on the line as we work together and eventually gossip would leak out. I knew it had to end but was never strong enough to pull the trigger. He did, which was for the best. But it still hurts huh?

 

Hope you're doing well. It hurts with them and it hurts without...

[Popsicle]

We were NC for almost 3 weeks, until I caved earlier this week and emailed him. He had gone NC with no heads up or anything and I was completely taken back by it. I had passed him in the break room and he acted like I didn't exist. After a year and a half, I felt I was owed an explanation. In the email I said regardless of how he felt about me, there was no need for awkwardness if we ran into each other at work. I also said that he couldn't even give me the respect to tell me things were over to my face, yet could sleep with me a few days prior. This was his reply:

 

First of all I felt really awkward this morning. I can’t help how I felt and how I acted. I honestly didn’t feel good about it. Second, my sudden drop of contact was a ****ty thing to do. I just didn’t want to perpetuate this or give you any mixed signals. I thought about the decent thing to do but didn’t think any good would come from it. Maybe it was the easy way out… This whole thing is still weighing on me and mentally draining. None of this is easy for me. I thought the break in contact was best, for both of us. Today is a bad day for me and is the reason I acted the way I did this morning. I don’t have a good explanation.

 

Thoughts? And why is it still weighing on him and "mentally draining?" He got rid of me, that should be a huge weight off his shoulders, right?

 

No, not right now.

But, maybe in time, it will get easier for him.

[ShatteredHearts]

There was a conversation. There was a lot of "I'm sorry" involved. Tears. Regret. I'm still f-cking pissed at him for sleeping with me the night before then kicking me to the curb the next day, not so much that it ended. We both knew it had to end for many different reasons, most of which we were going to end up resenting each other, screw ourselves over with our jobs, and there really wasn't an ending in sight. He would never leave his kids, and I didn't want to leave my husband. He just decided to be the one to end it. We don't speak or even look at each other at work. He knows I don't want to talk to him, and quite frankly, I'm not sure we can even be around each other. We were like magnets. Don't get me wrong, though. This is just the whole thing in a nutshell. Just because there was a conversation doesn't mean it wasn't incredibly painful. The whole 10 months were incredibly painful.

 

I'm so sorry, Goldie. I'm sure that had to be incredibly painful for you.

While I know it would have been painful, I still wish we had that face to face convo to end things. The last time we saw each other on "good" terms, he had come over for well..yeah.

It's still just mind boggling how they can flip a switch and be done. And as stupid as it sounds I want him to hurt, I want him to miss me and regret what he did, but he won't.

[ShatteredHearts]

After he went NC with no explanation, I sent him an email last week. He replied, very sharp and matter of fact. I let it go and didn't say anything else. I found out over the weekend from a friend that he has moved back home. I wasn't surprised and actually felt some relief, as that was the ultimate closure for me. Then today I receive this. The quoted parts are from my email.

 

So I’ve been thinking about this and I’ve been going back and forth on whether to respond but I feel I must. I am confused by your email – “I figured after all of this, we could at least remain friends.” I’d love to have this. I often think that I would’ve rather had that than all of the other. We wouldn’t be where we are. Didn’t we try this before and it didn’t work?

 

This part bothers me - "yet 4 days prior I was good enough to sleep with. I have never in my life felt so used.

You got what you wanted, decided you had your fill and were done. Coming to that realization stung, but better for me to accept that now than to always wonder.”

 

I don’t think any of that is fair to say. Honestly, I don’t think you really mean that but correct me if I’m wrong.

 

 

Why is he sending this now? He made his choice, what does it matter?

[minimariah]

he's trying to pick a fight (contact), argument with you?

i mean... you have 2 options.

 

1. keep NC

2. respond, discuss what you want & ask him why is he doing what he's doing. after that, take that as a closure & go full NC (this is a dangerous territory though).

[minimariah]

OR... you can be really extra and dramatic and send something like this:

 

(i assume this is what he wrote in the mail?) -

 

"I don’t think any of that is fair to say. Honestly, I don’t think you really mean that but correct me if I’m wrong."

 

you quote this and write this - You're wrong. Be blessed!

and theeeeeen go full NC and block him everywhere.

 

that's if you want to exit like a true Drama Queen.

(i would totally do that.)

 

:bunny:

[GoldieLox]

Sometimes the further we dig for answers, the more hurt we get. I fear this is just going to be a cycle for you. Read the posts here about trying to remain friends with an xAP. It doesn't work. I know replying to him now would mean instant gratification, but in the long run, I think you'd be better off not.

[Popsicle]

For some strange reason MM, in particular, think it's a good idea to be "friends" afterwards.

 

I have no idea why they do this. ...

 

Why they can't just let go is beyond me.

[Josmatjes]

He wrote this because he wants to have the last word!! Because if you reply, he won't again!

 

Do not reply, in fact block him!!