Everyone is going to chew me up after this one...

[Jamesgar]

Thank for the inspiration man. However, this girl was my motivation for many things. I was an unemployed, college dropout, delinquent when I met her. This summer i'll be earning my bachelors in Business Administration, and it's all because someone took the time to believe in me when nobody else did.

 

She didn't look out for you now. Let this be a lesson as no one looks after no.1 like you do! You have yourself for company now. No more hugs, cuddles and feeling wanted I am afraid.

 

Your motivation in future needs to come from yourself. You need to do some serious self development unfortunately. As I say on other forums and from my own past...you either choose to live rehashing the past or you choose to make positive steps out of your negative little bubble. Challenge yourself to actually go and do things even though you feel like crap. Things will get better and you can control your life/thoughts.

 

Its about time you started to believe in yourself!

[Riptide91]

Look dude, I'm about your age, going through the same thing, in fact, my ex and I were together a while longer and I'm going to say this: you have two very, very basic options here. 1. You keep pining over a girl who not only no longer wants to be with you, but obviously doesn't care for your well being and see where it leads. 9/10 when you do this you're essentially prolonging your hurt and wasting your life. For Gods sake, we're 25!!! She might have been your lover, best friend, potential wife, blah blah but the key word here is BEEN as in past tense. 2. You man up, look yourself in the eye and decide in your heart and mind you deserve better and you will not waste the only life you get over someone who doesn't want you! It's hard, and it will be for a while, but I bet when you look back on this you'll be thankful for how much you grew as a person and maybe also thankful that it led you to meet your future significant other who will more than likely be better all around.

 

The choice is yours, no matter what anyone says or advises you to do only you can stop your pain and hurt. I hope you understand what I'm saying and good luck my friend.

[Satu]

Satu, I can't

 

All the guilt clouds my judgment, I feel horrible...

 

You have to work with it the best way you can.

 

It you're really stuck you should consider therapy.

[Simon Phoenix]

Simon, I tried to do something, I really did. However, everything around me reminds me of her. I miss her a ton, and I don't know what to do. Every time I try to do something for myself I end up breaking into tears when the sunsets. I continue to fill my head with regret and hateful thoughts about myself. Unfortunately, I might double down on my dumb. People should just say a prayer for me, God knows I need it right now...

 

It takes a while, but you aren't trying very hard, if at all. This process is hard as hell, but most things worth doing are. Doing dumb stuff happens. But knowing its dumb and doing it anyway is a huge problem. You have to stop being your worst enemy.

 

I think you need professional help, because you are talking pure nonsense right now. There's nothing wrong with getting some professional advice -- maybe it will get you out of this delusional netherworld you're cocooned in. I'm not sure we're in your pay grade right now. You reek of codependence, which is a problem you need to address, either by yourself or with help.

 

You have a chance to make a great leap in your life, learn a lot that will help you have a great future. Unfortunately, you'd rather just give up and feel sorry for yourself. I hope you break out of this.

Edited March 28, 2015 by Simon Phoenix

[Jonp219]

It takes a while, but you aren't trying very hard, if at all. This process is hard as hell, but most things worth doing are. Doing dumb stuff happens. But knowing its dumb and doing it anyway is a huge problem. You have to stop being your worst enemy.

 

I think you need professional help, because you are talking pure nonsense right now. There's nothing wrong with getting some professional advice -- maybe it will get you out of this delusional netherworld you're cocooned in. I'm not sure we're in your pay grade right now. You reek of codependence, which is a problem you need to address, either by yourself or with help.

 

You have a chance to make a great leap in your life, learn a lot that will help you have a great future. Unfortunately, you'd rather just give up and feel sorry for yourself. I hope you break out of this.

 

I am seeing professional help, but it's mostly for my anger and insecurity issues. I need to get through this on my own and maybe bring it up a few times with the doctor. I'm just going to sleep on this decision, right now i'm not thinking clearly. Tomorrow when I arrive at work I will let everyone know what i'll decide to do about this girl.

[mightycpa]

You absolutely can't change the way she thinks and feels about you, but you can change the way you think and feel about yourself.

 

Thats where the gold is to be found.

You know OP, I believe what good ol' Satu means to say is that you can't worm your way back in. I'd add to that and point out how completely out of control your own feelings are. You are insane to believe you can steer her feelings any better than your own. And from her perspective, even if she wanted to feel that for you again, she can't make herself do it. We are powerless to control feelings, our own or others'.

 

That said, this is not exactly true. You can change the way she thinks about you, but, generally, the only thing you can do is sully yourself even further in her eyes. She's already seen you in the best light she can. You have only one way to go now, and that's down.

 

The trouble with you contacting her is that even though I know you try to hide your desires and intent, the tone of the voice, the way you phrase things, you give yourself away. And inside, that makes her groan. She becomes exasperated and wants to pull away. You lose whatever you gained.

 

You staying out of contact likely increased her respect for you. Not her desire, mind you, but her respect. Then, when you got in touch, and your voice wavered, or you said that awkward thing, **GROAN**, and she went a little cold on you. She's willing to give you a chance, but that chance is to be normal, not lovers. You push in, and I can almost guarantee she'll pull back. Otherwise, she'd be banging on your door.

 

The guy she met (you) the first day she met you wasn't like the way you are now. If he had been, you'd have never gotten to first base. That's what you're going to have to be like again when you talk to her, and you are a long damn way away from that. Chances are, you two are done. Once you've seen somebody that you used to love in the new light of indifference, it is really hard to see them any other way. That's why so many relationships fail when the couple gets back together. After a few days or a few weeks, the dumper is reminded why she left. The only way it works is if you have truly changed. And you haven't been gone enough yet to have done that in a meaningful way.

 

I know it's hard, but you're not doing yourself any favors. People swear by the advice they give you for a reason.

[BC1980]

She loves dogs, it's one of the reasons I like her so much

 

Yes, that is clearly a very rare quality to find.

[BC1980]

I don't want to let go, I don't want to go through the grueling healing process, I wish it could all just stop right here. The pain that i'm in right now is insurmountable.

 

We have all felt the same way, but it's not insurmountable. It feels that way right now, but it's not. I used to think that I would never move on from my ex. I was worried I would be on of those people who, years later, is still pining away for someone who doesn't really care that much about me. But I stuck with NC and made it through. I'm a different person now, and that scar will always be there. But I made it through. I just knew that I could never contact him again, and, once I wrapped my head around that, I made traction. It was slow going, but I eventually came out on the other side.

[Jonp219]

You know OP, I believe what good ol' Satu means to say is that you can't worm your way back in. I'd add to that and point out how completely out of control your own feelings are. You are insane to believe you can steer her feelings any better than your own. And from her perspective, even if she wanted to feel that for you again, she can't make herself do it. We are powerless to control feelings, our own or others'.

 

That said, this is not exactly true. You can change the way she thinks about you, but, generally, the only thing you can do is sully yourself even further in her eyes. She's already seen you in the best light she can. You have only one way to go now, and that's down.

 

The trouble with you contacting her is that even though I know you try to hide your desires and intent, the tone of the voice, the way you phrase things, you give yourself away. And inside, that makes her groan. She becomes exasperated and wants to pull away. You lose whatever you gained.

 

You staying out of contact likely increased her respect for you. Not her desire, mind you, but her respect. Then, when you got in touch, and your voice wavered, or you said that awkward thing, **GROAN**, and she went a little cold on you. She's willing to give you a chance, but that chance is to be normal, not lovers. You push in, and I can almost guarantee she'll pull back. Otherwise, she'd be banging on your door.

 

The guy she met (you) the first day she met you wasn't like the way you are now. If he had been, you'd have never gotten to first base. That's what you're going to have to be like again when you talk to her, and you are a long damn way away from that. Chances are, you two are done. Once you've seen somebody that you used to love in the new light of indifference, it is really hard to see them any other way. That's why so many relationships fail when the couple gets back together. After a few days or a few weeks, the dumper is reminded why she left. The only way it works is if you have truly changed. And you haven't been gone enough yet to have done that in a meaningful way.

 

I know it's hard, but you're not doing yourself any favors. People swear by the advice they give you for a reason.

 

So should I just disappear completely?

There was something I wanted to ask her tomorrow just so I can once and for all just move on with my life. Now I don't know if I should, I mean it doesn't matter anymore right? If there's no chance of us getting back together I don't care if she respects me. I'm always going to hope get back together one day, but obviously that window is closing.

[mightycpa]

 

 

1. So should I just disappear completely?
   
2. There was something I wanted to ask her tomorrow just so I can once and for all just move on with my life.
   
3. Now I don't know if I should, I mean it doesn't matter anymore right?
   
4. If there's no chance of us getting back together I don't care if she respects me.
   
5. I'm always going to hope get back together one day, but obviously that window is closing.
   

 

 

 

1. That's the idea behind NC.
   
2. Just one more thing?
   
3. It really doesn't.
   
4. Atta pepper!
   
5. Has closed. Has closed.
   

[Twigyy]

You shouldn't be too bothered about it anymore. Its over. Nothing will change her mind. Go find yourself back. Be happy being alone. You're just another chapter in her life. If she wants to start all over again she will find a way to talk to you. So stop waiting and start healing. Take this alone time to make yourself better. Not for her but you.

[Reality015]

Take her off the god damn mother****ing pedestal. My ex is ridiculously attractive, like genuine model quality, she's the type of girl that can turn heads when she's just woke up in the morning with no make up on. Not kidding, she's genuinely a very beautiful girl. However, I knocked her off that pedestal where I was under the illusion that no girl can ever compare to her. Granted, chances of me getting with someone as PHYSICALLY attractive as her are slim to none, but I'm certain there are many, many other attractive girls that are much more EMOTIONALLY attractive to me. And those girls won't be psycho cheating whores. I hope.

 

Take her off the pedestal. I saw you broke NC. Don't do it again, I done it too after a month of NC and a handful of breadcrumbs thrown my way. Honestly just sets you back massively. I haven't checked her social media nor have I felt the urge to in quite some time. It gets easier with time, but until you decide you WANT to move on, and let go of that FALSE hope that you can reconcile given the state you're in right now, you'll be better off. Just remove and block any possible means of contact.

 

 

 

Correct.

 

I was in this situation with my ex before I met my current ex. While my ex ex is still incredibly attractive, it's an temporary illusion. It will not last & you will get over it with time & take her off the pedestal if you stick to NC.

 

I saw my ex ex a few months ago by chance & I felt nothing. Was quite a relief.

[Jonp219]

1. That's the idea behind NC.
   
2. Just one more thing?
   
3. It really doesn't.
   
4. Atta pepper!
   
5. Has closed. Has closed.
   

 

Well I wanted to reiterate something she brought up to me in the past. She expected me to fight for her and I just wanted to tell her that I can't fight for someone who doesn't give a damn about whether I live or die, I can't fight for someone who can go a month without giving two ****s about me. Love is 50-50 and I can't simply can't do it on my own, and I finally realized that her heart has completely checked out.

Idk I feel like I won't feel better until I say this to her...

[Jonp219]

Maybe it will help me accelerate my healing. Healing doesn't work if there still a "What If" in there. May work for you, but it doesn't work for me. Not more of a "What if" we get back together, but more of a "What if" I don't get this off my chest.

[Diezel]

The problem is that you are always going to have a "what if". You are seeking for the fallacy that is closure. She already has her closure and you are just dancing around the issue.

 

You want to ask your question? Ask it. But be prepared to deal with the consequences.

 

Life isn't a movie. You don't get to ask the question and hope it sparks something inside her that was already off. But if you need it to learn and move on, go for it. But don't ask for advice and then proceed to blatantly ignore it.

 

Life is full of "What ifs", every action has an alternate course or courses that were never taken, but you are 100% convinced that you need to do this and there is nothing any of us could say to deter you from that. So, if you truly believe you can handle the consequences of your question, ask it.

 

But I don't see how the answer is going to be any different than what you've already seen or have come to expect.

[Jonp219]

The problem is that you are always going to have a "what if". You are seeking for the fallacy that is closure. She already has her closure and you are just dancing around the issue.

 

You want to ask your question? Ask it. But be prepared to deal with the consequences.

 

Life isn't a movie. You don't get to ask the question and hope it sparks something inside her that was already off. But if you need it to learn and move on, go for it. But don't ask for advice and then proceed to blatantly ignore it.

 

Life is full of "What ifs", every action has an alternate course or courses that were never taken, but you are 100% convinced that you need to do this and there is nothing any of us could say to deter you from that. So, if you truly believe you can handle the consequences of your question, ask it.

 

But I don't see how the answer is going to be any different than what you've already seen or have come to expect.

 

What consequences come with closure if I may ask? I'm not trying to spark anything I have a good idea that it's over, but I need get it off my chest. For the first month an half since our break up she's been angry at me. After our convo yesterday she seems to be a little more level headed. I think it's a good time to clear the air once and for all.

[Diezel]

The reason why you want to ask her anything is because deep down inside, you still think you have a chance.

 

You don't.

 

And even if you did, the balance has shifted completely in her favor. You'd be trying to repair a broken relationship with someone who doesn't want to. Just because she SEEMS more level-headed doesn't mean that she is ready to try anything, and even if she was, it's just not worth it anymore.

 

But you can't see that. You are completely blinded by the hope that something is there. In fact, you are READING into the fact that she is level-headed as if that was a good sign that there is a chance. It doesn't. It just means she is probably more over it than you are.

 

What good do you think it will make it to get it off your chest TO HER? It has the severe potential of making it WORSE. You are absolutely in denial of this. I don't think you understand, you say you need to clear the air... to her, that happened weeks ago.

[Jonp219]

The reason why you want to ask her anything is because deep down inside, you still think you have a chance.

 

You don't.

 

And even if you did, the balance has shifted completely in her favor. You'd be trying to repair a broken relationship with someone who doesn't want to. Just because she SEEMS more level-headed doesn't mean that she is ready to try anything, and even if she was, it's just not worth it anymore.

 

But you can't see that. You are completely blinded by the hope that something is there. In fact, you are READING into the fact that she is level-headed as if that was a good sign that there is a chance. It doesn't. It just means she is probably more over it than you are.

 

What good do you think it will make it to get it off your chest TO HER? It has the severe potential of making it WORSE. You are absolutely in denial of this. I don't think you understand, you say you need to clear the air... to her, that happened weeks ago.

 

Well I don't know what to tell you...

 

Either way I'm going to feel just as bad as I feel now if I don't get it over with. You keep saying I'm going to make it WORST how can it possibly get any worst?? ANd for who? I'm ****ed as it is, so why not? lol

[NC-Thomas]

What consequences come with closure if I may ask? I'm not trying to spark anything I have a good idea that it's over, but I need get it off my chest. For the first month an half since our break up she's been angry at me. After our convo yesterday she seems to be a little more level headed. I think it's a good time to clear the air once and for all.

 

The air between you two is already cleared, your mind isnt clear.

 

There is nothing left to work with. You have to face your own fear and accept that she doesn't hold the pieces of the puzzles that results in your closure.

 

You might feel this cannot get worse, it can. In a month or 3 you will be filled with regrets even more, because by contacting her, you will lost that last tiny bit of self-respect you got left. And that totally isn't worth losing over somebody that has no purpose in your life anymore.

 

I feel you are in total denial, which is why you are, by a far shot, not ready for closure. But i'll post this anyway:

 

http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com/Closure

[Jonp219]

The air between you two is already cleared, your mind isnt clear.

 

There is nothing left to work with. You have to face your own fear and accept that she doesn't hold the pieces of the puzzles that results in your closure.

 

You might feel this cannot get worse, it can. In a month or 3 you will be filled with regrets even more, because by contacting her, you will lost that last tiny bit of self-respect you got left. And that totally isn't worth losing over somebody that has no purpose in your life anymore.

 

I feel you are in total denial, which is why you are, by a far shot, not ready for closure. But i'll post this anyway:

 

http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com/Closure

 

You think I would regret losing my self-respect in a few months or so? I don't think so lol

If my self-respect is what it took to get her back I would surrender it in the blink of an eye.

 

Wish life worked that way...

 

My break up was a month and 3 weeks ago and i've only spoken to her twice since it happened TWICE!!! 5 weeks ago and yesterday.

Edited March 28, 2015 by Jonp219

[NC-Thomas]

You think I would regret losing my self-respect in a few months or so? I don't think so lol

 

That's because you've not yet been there, but a lot of posters amongst us have, and are willing to share their experience with you. Are you just going to ignore that?

 

If my self-respect is what it took to get her back I would surrender it in the blink of an eye.

 

So you would give up yourself, your boundaries, values, principles, basically the one thing that is holding you together as a person for someone that doesn't give 2 cents about you? Think about that for a second.

 

Wish life worked that way...

 

My break up was a month and 3 weeks ago and i've only spoken to her twice since it happened TWICE!!! 5 weeks ago and yesterday.

 

And did you learn from it?

[Jonp219]

That's because you've not yet been there, but a lot of posters amongst us have, and are willing to share their experience with you. Are you just going to ignore that?

 

So have I with a previous ex, I don't regret a thing. I tried.

 

 

 

So you would give up yourself' date=' your boundaries, values, principles, basically the one thing that is holding you together as a person for someone that doesn't give 2 cents about you? Think about that for a second.[/quote']

 

For someone that made my life worth living? Yes.

 

 

 

 

 

And did you learn from it?

 

She left the door open. What's there to learn about?

[NC-Thomas]

For someone that made my life worth living? Yes.

 

A healthy human being makes their own life worth living. Seek happiness from the inside, not through external factors.

[Jonp219]

A healthy human being makes their own life worth living. Seek happiness from the inside, not through external factors.

 

I laugh when people tell me that because it usually the people that DON'T feel that way that usually end up giving me the, "you got to find happiness in yourself" stuff. Can you live with yourself knowing that someone who wanted to share the same life as you don't want to anymore?

[Jimmyjackson]

I laugh when people tell me that because it usually the people that DON'T feel that way that usually end up giving me the, "you got to find happiness in yourself" stuff. Can you live with yourself knowing that someone who wanted to share the same life as you don't want to anymore?

 

You're talking absolute bull ****.

 

You're saying this woman makes your life worth living, that's just the problem...only you can make your own life worth living, not someone else.

 

How do you expect to hold on to a relationship if the person you're with is expected to make your life worth living?

 

Girlfriends/boyfriends are supposed to be bonuses in your life, they're not supposed to be your entire life. You can't be with someone until you're happy with yourself and your partner compliments that.