Everyone is going to chew me up after this one...

[Jonp219]

You're talking absolute bull ****.

 

You're saying this woman makes your life worth living, that's just the problem...only you can make your own life worth living, not someone else.

 

How do you expect to hold on to a relationship if the person you're with is expected to make your life worth living?

 

Girlfriends/boyfriends are supposed to be bonuses in your life, they're not supposed to be your entire life. You can't be with someone until you're happy with yourself and your partner compliments that.

 

Well I lost her. It isn't worth being happy anymore, it's all a waste now because she's gone. I wouldn't take another women over her if you paid me.

 

The other day this girl was trying to talk to me in school. I told her to go away I'm not interested, you can't replace her ever. The world is one ugly place and the women don't seem to be any better.

[ZiggyZoo]

I laugh when people tell me that because it usually the people that DON'T feel that way that usually end up giving me the, "you got to find happiness in yourself" stuff. Can you live with yourself knowing that someone who wanted to share the same life as you don't want to anymore?

 

You know what? Laugh all you want, but we're the ones who know our worth. We're the ones who know that, at the end of it all, sometimes self-worth is all you've got. And you're willing to give yours away on a fruitless mission to regain the love of someone who doesn't want to have anything to do with you? The golden rule of NC is to block them until THEY come to you, through all obstacles, and beg forgiveness and a second chance. You screwed up by contacting her, her politeness is the tip-off that she doesn't care. Hatred isn't the opposite of love, apathy is. And she's apathetic as all hell. Keep doing what you're doing and any good feelings she has will turn to disgust and annoyance, count on it.

 

And yes, I can absolutely live with myself knowing someone doesn't want to share a life with me anymore. There are two men out there right now who have made it clear that they don't, as a matter of fact. But I don't define my worth based on what someone who obviously can't see how fantastic I am thinks of me. If either of their opinions were correct and right, they would still want to be with me. The difference between you and me (and many others on here) is that we can take it when someone doesn't want us and say "their loss" and heal ourselves. Because we've learned that happiness is never found in other people. But you can't see this yet, and are going to make an ass of yourself chasing someone who couldn't care less.

 

So keep laughing at our advice, and ignoring the hundreds of years of combined experience trying to help you out. We're laughing right back at you.

[Jonp219]

Everyone wants to cheat, everyone doesn't want kids, everyone wants to leave when **** gets tough, everyone is a quitter. People just want their cushy life with their stupid gadgets, nobody commit to **** anymore. Everyone is fickle, and everyone wants a good relationship handed to them on a sliver platter.

[Jonp219]

You know what? Laugh all you want, but we're the ones who know our worth. We're the ones who know that, at the end of it all, sometimes self-worth is all you've got. And you're willing to give yours away on a fruitless mission to regain the love of someone who doesn't want to have anything to do with you? The golden rule of NC is to block them until THEY come to you, through all obstacles, and beg forgiveness and a second chance. You screwed up by contacting her, her politeness is the tip-off that she doesn't care. Hatred isn't the opposite of love, apathy is. And she's apathetic as all hell. Keep doing what you're doing and any good feelings she has will turn to disgust and annoyance, count on it.

 

And yes, I can absolutely live with myself knowing someone doesn't want to share a life with me anymore. There are two men out there right now who have made it clear that they don't, as a matter of fact. But I don't define my worth based on what someone who obviously can't see how fantastic I am thinks of me. If either of their opinions were correct and right, they would still want to be with me. The difference between you and me (and many others on here) is that we can take it when someone doesn't want us and say "their loss" and heal ourselves. Because we've learned that happiness is never found in other people. But you can't see this yet, and are going to make an ass of yourself chasing someone who couldn't care less.

 

So keep laughing at our advice, and ignoring the hundreds of years of combined experience trying to help you out. We're laughing right back at you.

 

Don;t worry, I'm laughing at myself too. I see myself in a mirror with a dunce cap because I don't have the love of my life anymore. Life is tragic indeed.

[BC1980]

I laugh when people tell me that because it usually the people that DON'T feel that way that usually end up giving me the, "you got to find happiness in yourself" stuff. Can you live with yourself knowing that someone who wanted to share the same life as you don't want to anymore?

 

You have to live with yourself after knowing she doesn't want to be with you. What's the alternative? Your way of thinking is completely unhealthy. You have to get out of the mindset that she makes your life worth living. What if she never broke up with you, but she died? What would you do then? You can't have the mindset that another person makes you life worth living because you can't control that person. You can only control yourself.

[ZiggyZoo]

Everyone wants to cheat, everyone doesn't want kids, everyone wants to leave when **** gets tough, everyone is a quitter. People just want their cushy life with their stupid gadgets, nobody commit to **** anymore. Everyone is fickle, and everyone wants a good relationship handed to them on a sliver platter.

 

Generalizations are always a good idea. And this is exactly the mindset you need to be in. *eyeroll*

 

I wasn't going to play the age card, but you need to grow up. There are plenty on here who have been through so much worse than you, and who are making a serious effort to get better. Sitting there whining about how some chick is all that matters, and how everyone is just awful is insulting, to say the very least. I am currently 30 weeks' pregnant by a guy who dumped me on my ass and hasn't even once checked in on me or his baby. But I'm not bitching and moaning about him, and you know what? I'm just about over him and doing fine. You say its nearly impossible to get over her, and life isn't worth living? You have no idea what you're talking about. You are nowhere near that place yet.

[NC-Thomas]

You have to make that active choice not to see yourself as a victim, but as a fallible human being.

 

Once you've made that happen, you will be miles ahead of your current self.

[Jonp219]

Generalizations are always a good idea. And this is exactly the mindset you need to be in. *eyeroll*

 

I wasn't going to play the age card, but you need to grow up. There are plenty on here who have been through so much worse than you, and who are making a serious effort to get better. Sitting there whining about how some chick is all that matters, and how everyone is just awful is insulting, to say the very least. I am currently 30 weeks' pregnant by a guy who dumped me on my ass and hasn't even once checked in on me or his baby. But I'm not bitching and moaning about him, and you know what? I'm just about over him and doing fine. You say its nearly impossible to get over her, and life isn't worth living? You have no idea what you're talking about. You are nowhere near that place yet.

 

I'm sorry for the circumstances you're facing. I can't imagine what kind of man would do that to the mother of his future child. I understand that there are others facing bigger problems, but I'm very codependent. I love my family, I love my friends, and I especially loved my girlfriend. You take all 3 away from me then I'm probably better off being dead (Who wants to live in a world like that). Unfortunately, knowing others are going through worst doesn't really do much for the ones who aren't, because if it did, Americans wouldn't be so selfish (but that's another story).

 

It would be much easier to get over my ex if she did something unforgivable, but she didn't. The only one who did unforgivable things is me and my bull****. She didn't cheat on me, she didn't soil my name, she didn't disrespect my family or friends, she just said, "I give up, I'm better off alone". Although it's a simple break up, it doesn't do me any justice knowing someone rather be alone than be with me. It's pretty selfish, but whatever, just wish I wasn't the way I was there isn't much to like. Maybe she did make the right choice lol.

[ZiggyZoo]

I'm sorry for the circumstances you're facing. I can't imagine what kind of man would do that to the mother of his future child. I understand that there are others facing bigger problems, but I'm very codependent. I love my family, I love my friends, and I especially loved my girlfriend. You take all 3 away from me then I'm probably better off being dead (Who wants to live in a world like that). Unfortunately, knowing others are going through worst doesn't really do much for the ones who aren't, because if it did, Americans wouldn't be so selfish (but that's another story).

 

It would be much easier to get over my ex if she did something unforgivable, but she didn't. The only one who did unforgivable things is me and my bull****. She didn't cheat on me, she didn't soil my name, she didn't disrespect my family or friends, she just said, "I give up, I'm better off alone". Although it's a simple break up, it doesn't do me any justice knowing someone rather be alone than be with me. It's pretty selfish, but whatever, just wish I wasn't the way I was there isn't much to like. Maybe she did make the right choice lol.

 

I didn't tell you that to get sympathy. But you missed the meaning again. It was to point out that others have overcome a lot, and you can too.

 

At this point though, I'm done with this mess. You're too self-centered to take into consideration anyone else's viewpoints. Or desires, which is why you're going to persist in chasing your ex, despite her obvious preference that you don't do so. You'll learn, but the hard way. Wait until she's got another boyfriend, and she shows HIM all the desperate texts and messages you've sent and are bound to send in the future. Wait until he throws your own words back into your face, words that you spent hours over, trying to get the right blend of lightness and sincerety. Wait until he does that, and then laughs at how pathetic they both find you, pursuing whatever bit of her you can. Then maybe you'll get why we are so adamant that you let this go.

 

Ahhh, ****. This post is harsh as hell. I apologize for that, but this is a very real possible outcome. Take care, and take our advice!

[dyna85]

JonP, if I were a doctor of NC, I would prescribe you 5 months NC and tell you to then re-evaluate. I guarantee you'd have a different perspective and be much less needy of her validation of that point. I guarantee you.

[Ruby65]

JonP, you know perfectly well you're not in any condition for a relationship with this girl or any other girl right now.

 

What you're dealing with right now is: fear of being alone.

 

All your romantic ideas concerning *this* relationship -- or *any* relationship -- are pure fantasy.

 

You won't be happy with anyone until you learn to tame your demons and STOP your abusive behavior.

 

This girl is history.... but your future is bright, if you continue to seek help and grow!

[Jonp219]

JonP, you know perfectly well you're not in any condition for a relationship with this girl or any other girl right now.

 

What you're dealing with right now is: fear of being alone.

 

All your romantic ideas concerning *this* relationship -- or *any* relationship -- are pure fantasy.

 

You won't be happy with anyone until you learn to tame your demons and STOP your abusive behavior.

 

This girl is history.... but your future is bright, if you continue to seek help and grow!

 

I wish I could believe you Ruby.

[BlackbirdSong]

We're here for you Jonp.

[Jonp219]

We're here for you Jonp.

 

Blackbirdsong I don't understand why this has to be so hard. I've had deaths in my family that didn't make me feel like what I'm feeling right now. I miss my friend...:'( :'(

[BlackbirdSong]

Blackbirdsong I don't understand why this has to be so hard. I've had deaths in my family that didn't make me feel like what I'm feeling right now. I miss my friend...:'( :'(

 

We're in the same boat. We're both drowning.

[xpaperxcutx]

I laugh when people tell me that because it usually the people that DON'T feel that way that usually end up giving me the, "you got to find happiness in yourself" stuff. Can you live with yourself knowing that someone who wanted to share the same life as you don't want to anymore?

 

 

I am three months out from my breakup and as much as I still share your feelings about missing the ex, I just can't agree with this.

 

My ex and I shared the same life, but before him I also had a life. Yes, i thought he was my soul-mate, but honestly, I don't want to think he's my life especially since he made the decision to leave me.

 

You're holding onto hope for the future, for the "what-if"... and you are not living a fulfilling life. Why do you let her have so much control over you?

 

I'm 25 as well, and I gave 3 years of my life to my ex only for him to leave me for another woman. Do you honestly think wanting someone back who doesn't want you is the solution to your happiness?

[mightycpa]

Well I wanted to reiterate something she brought up to me in the past. She expected me to fight for her and I just wanted to tell her that I can't fight for someone who doesn't give a damn about whether I live or die, I can't fight for someone who can go a month without giving two ****s about me. Love is 50-50 and I can't simply can't do it on my own, and I finally realized that her heart has completely checked out.

Idk I feel like I won't feel better until I say this to her...

I have yet to read the rest of the posts, and I will, but JP, you know what this is? It's a complaint to her that she doesn't love you any more. I mean, think about what it is you want to tell her:

 

 

1. She expected me to fight for her and I just wanted to tell her that I can't fight for someone who doesn't give a damn about whether I live or die,
   
2. I can't fight for someone who can go a month without giving two ****s about me.
   
3. Love is 50-50 and I can't simply can't do it on my own, and
   
4. I finally realized that her heart has completely checked out.
   

 

Or, in other words:

 

 

1. You don't love me and I don't like it!
   
2. You don't love me and I don't like it!
   
3. You don't love me and I don't like it!
   
4. You don't love me and I don't like it!
   

 

What do you expect her to say to all of this? You want to go and complain? Then do it, but at least know what it is you're really trying to say. Maybe it will make you feel better, because you've been hiding your true feelings from her to date. Just be prepared for her reaction, which will basically be some form of:

 

Sorry, but that's how it is.

The thing is you know all this already. She knows all this already. I don't know if you'll get satisfaction from this or not. Most people don't, because they don't get the response that they want deep down inside. They just get to vent, and when they see that the ex doesn't care enough to fight about it anymore, it is deeply unsatisfying.

 

That's my two cents.

[Jonp219]

I have yet to read the rest of the posts, and I will, but JP, you know what this is? It's a complaint to her that she doesn't love you any more. I mean, think about what it is you want to tell her:

 

 

1. She expected me to fight for her and I just wanted to tell her that I can't fight for someone who doesn't give a damn about whether I live or die,
   
2. I can't fight for someone who can go a month without giving two ****s about me.
   
3. Love is 50-50 and I can't simply can't do it on my own, and
   
4. I finally realized that her heart has completely checked out.
   

 

Or, in other words:

 

 

1. You don't love me and I don't like it!
   
2. You don't love me and I don't like it!
   
3. You don't love me and I don't like it!
   
4. You don't love me and I don't like it!
   

 

What do you expect her to say to all of this? You want to go and complain? Then do it, but at least know what it is you're really trying to say. Maybe it will make you feel better, because you've been hiding your true feelings from her to date. Just be prepared for her reaction, which will basically be some form of:

 

The thing is you know all this already. She knows all this already. I don't know if you'll get satisfaction from this or not. Most people don't, because they don't get the response that they want deep down inside. They just get to vent, and when they see that the ex doesn't care enough to fight about it anymore, it is deeply unsatisfying.

 

That's my two cents.

 

I think You're absolutely right lol

 

Thing is since I spoke to her yesterday I also went and checked her twitter. And it just seemed like she wants me to fight for her (whatever the hell that means). She didn't make seem like that when we last spoke on the phone a month ago, but whatever. The way she conducted this entire break up has been immature as **** to say the least, I don't know why I bother. However, at the end of the night, I still love this girl.

[Simon Phoenix]

Jonp, you talk about how it can't possibly get worse if you try to talk to her again. That's stupid -- look at how much worse you've gotten after just talking to her! You're typing nonsensical garbage, you've further put her on a pedestal, you've gotten more hopeless ust from that conversation. Yet somehow you think that talking to her again will make things better and not make you more of a blubbering buffoon? It's time to come back to the real world.

 

Recovery is tough and won't be successful until you try. But you don't want to try, and we can't make you at this point. What we can try to do is try to save you from making things worse, which you most certainly will do. Hell, look at what's happened in the past 24-48 hours.

[mightycpa]

OK, I read the rest of your posts.

I laugh when people tell me that because it usually the people that DON'T feel that way that usually end up giving me the, "you got to find happiness in yourself" stuff. Can you live with yourself knowing that someone who wanted to share the same life as you don't want to anymore?

I absolutely can. I used to feel like that about someone. She was my world until one day she was not. Now, I can see it wasn't the end of the world, and that opportunity awaited. Luckily, I took advantage. Then I met another one like that, and then another. It took years between meeting those people, but I managed to have a good time while I waited. Most importantly, I changed in a way such that when I met that third one, I didn't make any mistakes. Not one. I was the kind of person by then in whom she could see some value, at least one reason to keep me around. I wasn't always that guy, but I recognized that early on, and I resolved to change the things I didn't like, and learned to adopt traits that I did like. In other words, I didn't waste much time pining for the past. I'd be willing to bet if I met that first one today, she'd notice the difference in me.

 

You're only a few weeks into what is probably going to be a multi-year process. I think that it is going to be difficult for you for a long time. I sense a lot of self-pity based on what you've written, and tying that in to the complaint conversation you want to have with her, that makes sense. You feel sorry for yourself, and you want her to feel sorry for you too. Maybe if she can just hear the right words, she'll realize how wrong she's been.

 

I get it. The problem is she doesn't see it this way. She may indeed agree with you that you've lost the best person you'll ever get. Even if that's 100% true, you haven't addressed if she's lost anything or whether it is good or bad for her. In this respect, your love is very selfish. It's focus is me, me, me and I have to wonder if that was not the underlying problem.

 

I also wonder what aspirations you have for her in this relationship in your mind... maybe it is devotion. Let me tell you, devotion is not hard to find, especially if you're attractive and you have lots of good qualities. My experience is that when you throw that away, it's not too difficult to replace. There's plenty of people out there who are willing to be devoted and nice and giving to one person. So, I guess what I'm saying is, that's not enough. You have to bring something rare and valuable to the table. Have you thought about that? What good are you to her? Doesn't she deserve someone like that? Doesn't she deserve to care for someone the way you care about her? What did you say earlier?

 

If my self-respect is what it took to get her back I would surrender it in the blink of an eye.

Yeah, that's not going to do it, because nobody wants to be with a person who would debase themselves. They want to look up to their mate, not look down upon them.

 

You need some distractions.. engaging stuff like you're learning something, or an activity that demands your attention.

 

You're spending way too much time feeling sorry about this. You need some time away from that feeling.

Edited March 28, 2015 by mightycpa

[Ruby65]

I just couldn't risk losing her forever.

 

Have you ever seen the movie "the Sixth Sense"?

 

If not, please stop reading as I'm about to give a huge SPOILER here!

 

But assuming you've seen it........... and therefore can continue reading this post...........

 

I will say that you're like Bruce Willis in that movie. Do you understand what I'm saying? Your relationship IS ALREADY OVER. It ended when she broke up with you.

 

The problem is: YOU'RE A GHOST and you don't know you're a ghost.

 

The relationship is over.

 

It was likely over way way before she broke up with you! Most people don't end a relationship until they've ALREADY MOVED ON.

 

You're a ghost.

 

You just can't accept it yet!

 

Go to the light, JonP.

 

For the love of all things holy...... go toward the light!

[mightycpa]

Have you ever seen the movie "the Sixth Sense"?

Would that make you Haley Joel Osment?

[NopeNah]

Would that make you Haley Joel Osment?

 

.........

[Jonp219]

OK, I read the rest of your posts.

I absolutely can. I used to feel like that about someone. She was my world until one day she was not. Now, I can see it wasn't the end of the world, and that opportunity awaited. Luckily, I took advantage. Then I met another one like that, and then another. It took years between meeting those people, but I managed to have a good time while I waited. Most importantly, I changed in a way such that when I met that third one, I didn't make any mistakes. Not one. I was the kind of person by then in whom she could see some value, at least one reason to keep me around. I wasn't always that guy, but I recognized that early on, and I resolved to change the things I didn't like, and learned to adopt traits that I did like. In other words, I didn't waste much time pining for the past. I'd be willing to bet if I met that first one today, she'd notice the difference in me.

 

You're only a few weeks into what is probably going to be a multi-year process. I think that it is going to be difficult for you for a long time. I sense a lot of self-pity based on what you've written, and tying that in to the complaint conversation you want to have with her, that makes sense. You feel sorry for yourself, and you want her to feel sorry for you too. Maybe if she can just hear the right words, she'll realize how wrong she's been.

 

I get it. The problem is she doesn't see it this way. She may indeed agree with you that you've lost the best person you'll ever get. Even if that's 100% true, you haven't addressed if she's lost anything or whether it is good or bad for her. In this respect, your love is very selfish. It's focus is me, me, me and I have to wonder if that was not the underlying problem.

 

I also wonder what aspirations you have for her in this relationship in your mind... maybe it is devotion. Let me tell you, devotion is not hard to find, especially if you're attractive and you have lots of good qualities. My experience is that when you throw that away, it's not too difficult to replace. There's plenty of people out there who are willing to be devoted and nice and giving to one person. So, I guess what I'm saying is, that's not enough. You have to bring something rare and valuable to the table. Have you thought about that? What good are you to her? Doesn't she deserve someone like that? Doesn't she deserve to care for someone the way you care about her? What did you say earlier?

 

Yeah, that's not going to do it, because nobody wants to be with a person who would debase themselves. They want to look up to their mate, not look down upon them.

 

You need some distractions.. engaging stuff like you're learning something, or an activity that demands your attention.

 

You're spending way too much time feeling sorry about this. You need some time away from that feeling.

 

Listen I brought that girl out of her shell. I made her feel beautiful about her body when she herself didn't think so. She lost a ton of weight and she started dressing differently. At times I was a little hard on her because she's stubborn, but she knew I meant well. I brought interesting topics to our conversations like politics, current events, and philosophy, things she never discussed with anyone else. I gave her a whole different perspective of the world that she never understood before we got together. As a matter of fact, I CARRIED our conversations most of the time. I may have been an insecure angry individual, but I'm also good looking, street smart, book smart, devoted, charismatic, health conscious, and funny. Qualities in which she HERSELF can't ****ing deny even in this angry state she's in. I was a great lover, but I sucked at having intimate conversations because I feared for the future. Despite all that, I have a plentiful amount of qualities. My underlying issues got in the way, and yes, I can be selfish.

Edited March 28, 2015 by Jonp219

[Ruby65]

Listen I brought that girl out of her shell. I made her feel beautiful about her body when she herself didn't think so. She lost a ton of weight and she started dressing differently. At times I was a little hard on her because she's stubborn, but she knew I meant well. I brought interesting topics to our conversations like politics, current events, and philosophy, things she never discussed with anyone else. I gave her a whole different perspective of the world that she never understood before we got together. As a matter of fact, I CARRIED our conversations most of the time. I may have been an insecure angry individual, but I'm also good looking, street smart, book smart, devoted, charismatic, health conscious, and funny. Qualities in which she HERSELF can't ****ing deny even in this angry state she's in. I was a great lover, but I sucked at having intimate conversations because I feared for the future. Despite all that, I have a plentiful amount of qualities. My underlying issues got in the way, and yes, I can be selfish.

 

 

You ABUSED HER.

 

So, pretty much any positive things you brought to that relationship are null and void.

 

Also, she says she's *scared* of you now.

 

You are a great person with many great qualities and have the potential to have great relationships with other awesome women.

 

However, you MUST work on your abuse issues first.

 

And you will NEVER have a relationship with this girl again.