I'm the Kate from "Am I wrong in thinking that it should be okay to have a friend tha

[Katiepete]

Hi all,

I'm the Kate from "Am I wrong in thinking that it should be okay to have a friend that is a woman?"

I love my H. We are going though some rough times and I don't know what to do. I was completely ready to "bury the hatchet". He cried and said he understood and that he was wrong. He said it will never happen again. And I believed him But today I stumbled across this message board that H had left up. Last night, I thought he was completely ready and saw how I felt. Now I'm not so sure. He's asking how to become friends with other women w/out jeopardizing a marriage (it's on the forum). I don't want that. I would not ask that of him and I surely don't want that now or ever. We don't have much time together, and lately the quality has been very unfulfilling. I can't be myself and feel happy and satisfied, when I feel threatened. How am I supposed to compete with a lady that has everything in common with him. I feel so helpless. I want our baby to grow up in a loving caring nurturing environment, and I don't see us heading in that direction. I talk to him and he makes me feel like I’m the bad guy. I'm not perfect Lord knows, but I have never lied to him. I have never done anything to intentionally hurt him and his feeling and his self worth. Like he just did to me. Why is it the people that you love can hurt you the worst? Shouldn't he want to put a smile on my face and make me feel good about myself? I always have had this vision of how it would be when we are expecting and this is it’s nightmare. I feel like we are working with threads. I want to make this work, but I don't know how...

Thank You

K

[Ladyjane14]

I've read Riptide's thread, and posted on it a couple of times. Honestly, I'm inclined to think that he's just totally freaked at the changes in his life. He seems to be anxious at the new responsibilities of impending fatherhood, and having some trouble settling down into family life.

 

It's not unusual for a young man to REALLY screw up his home-deal under those circumstances. But I don't think he's managed to totally wreck it yet.

 

When I look at the things he mentions, which make him appear to second-guess the marriage....things mostly having to do with doubts as to your compatability as a couple....they seem almost trivial. Like he's nit-picking, and reaching for something to complain about.

 

There's certainly emotional distance between you two, but my guess is that he's the one instigating it. He's over-burdened his schedule, leaving himself very little free time to spend with you. He's seeking out other people to spend what little extra time he has with. In generally AVOIDING you, and the responsibilities that you represent.

 

I highly doubt that his actions are deliberate, probably more of a sub-conscious thing, a sabotage. He seems to sincerely love you. But it's almost like he's trying to run away, and yet stay at the same time. His words and his actions don't match up.

 

It's certainly not beyond redeeming the marriage, and the love and committment that go with it. But he's going to have to get his head on straight, or he WILL eventually screw this up.

 

You absolutely do NOT have to tolerate your husband having a girlfriend. Particularly not when YOU are the one who needs his attention and time.

 

Don't let anyone convince you otherwise. You are not being insecure about this. You are not being hysterical. It is not YOU who has the problem. All those adjectives could possibly be applied to somebody else right now...who appears to be in a mild state of panic.

 

It's wonderful for you to be supportive and understanding of him while he's figuring all this out. I highly recommend it as a matter of fact. But that doesn't mean that you shouldn't speak up for yourself, or stand up for what YOU believe in.

 

p.s. Be gentle with each other. You both have alot on your plate right now.

[Katiepete]

Thank for the words of wisdom ladyjane. We talked tonight and I am ready to put this behind us. But where do I start? Things have changed and I feel betrayed. How do I just act like normal? They say forgive and forget, but that's easier said than done. If I dwell on it, it will eat us both up until there is nothing left. Any advice? Thanks again.

Kate

[JustLilOleMe]

Counseling. Run, don't walk, to marital counseling. The two of you are in such a hotbed of change and emotion right now that I think even with open hearts and the best of intentions you might hurt each other more with everything that is going on. A counselor might be just the relationship/communication navigator you need to get through it.

 

I'm not as sensitive as these other folks - I think your husband behaved like a cad plain and simple. But he is the cad you love, and I'm sure you'll return the favor someday - because that is life and love sometimes. But right now, the two of you can live in the problem or the solution. Head off to a counselor - Mama-2-be, start on that solution. Best of luck!

[jmargel]

Katie did you read my responses to him? Did you read his ENTIRE post? Over the course of that thread you can see that he really does love you and wants it to work out. With his long hours at work & school it has become stressful for him and the lack of quality time with you has also put strain on the marriage. You are with each other because of the goodness each of you have. Give that to each other for which the other seeks. I would highly suggest marriage counseling so that you two can improve communication among each other.

 

Why is it the people that you love can hurt you the worst? Shouldn't he want to put a smile on my face and make me feel good about myself?

 

Love is the best feeling in the world to be in, yet it is the most fragile. If not taken with extreme care it can break apart very fast. It's because love is the only feeling in the world that will let a person devote their entire selfs to another person. They are putting themselves within' someone else.

 

I'm sure he does want to put a smile on your face and feel good about yourself but that is NOT his responsibility. That is yours. It is not his responsibility to make you feel good about yourself. However it is his responsibility to make sure *he* doesn't make you feel threatened, insecure or upset about yourself based on his own actions.

 

Having a baby is a big change on top of the other things he is going through. When my wife moved in, I told her even though we will be seeing each other every day, that we still have to go out on dates with each other. At least once a week. Otherwise the love, the fun, the passion starts to slip away and you just end up co-habitating with your mate. Above everything else, even the baby, the school, the job your love for each other is THEE most important out of all. This is why you both are doing all these things, making all these sacrafices for each other.

 

Things have changed and I feel betrayed. How do I just act like normal?

 

Feeling betrayed is kind of strong, however that is your feeling. He did not cheat on you, nor did he desire to be with her sexually or intimately. He came out and told you the truth. He was honest which is a sign of love. He could have easily hid it or lied to you. He is not perfect and will make mistakes, this is one. Loving someone is allowing yourself to forgive them and to not let this taint what you two have. You just can't "act", it is what you "feel". In order to accomplish this I would suggest both of you going to a licensed marriage counselor. I might take two or three different ones before you find the one you can adapt to.

 

If I dwell on it, it will eat us both up until there is nothing left

 

When you find yourself dwelling on this and hurting yourself you need to make a conscious effort to stop it. Once you recognize that this is what you are doing, stop and goto a secluded place. Sit down, close your eyes and clear your head. Then think of a time that you & your husband treasure. Think of that in great detail. Do this between 5-10 minutes. Once this is complete, open up your eyes and tell yourself that everything is fine. If this nagging feeling is still there, go back to step one. Keep doing this until you convince the little devils inside your head that they won't win.

 

Remember to look for a marraige counselor this week. Above anything else, it's a great stress reliever with the benefit of allowing you to become closer to your mate.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by Katiepete

We talked tonight and I am ready to put this behind us. But where do I start? Things have changed and I feel betrayed. How do I just act like normal? They say forgive and forget, but that's easier said than done.

 

I think it might be helpful to you BOTH to focus on the real problem....not the problem he has manufactured in an effort to AVOID the real problem.

 

Oftentimes, when a person has something bothering them on the sub-conscious level, they can't quite put their finger on what exactly is wrong. It all feels rather vague, and they might feel more or less dissatisfied, unhappy, and anxious.

 

It's at times like these that they'll become focused on a distraction, and then attribute all those feelings to the lack of having that person or thing in their lives. Alot of times, people under undefined stress will obsess about an old boyfriend or girlfriend. In Riptide's case, he's obsessing over a new friend, but it's more or less the same thing.

 

He appears to feel trapped. And because that's not a particularly nice way to feel about your wife and baby, he's likely rationalizing that feeling into something more palatable. It's easier in some ways for him to resent you in a specific way for thwarting him in what he wants to do, than to resent you in a generalized way for trapping him into a life of constant responsibility.

 

I think in order for you to let your hurt feelings go, you should consider concentrating your efforts into helping him define those vague feelings. Once he's able to STOP RATIONALIZING, and deal with his feelings head-on, they should resolve nicely.

 

You can overcome your own resentments by understanding that this is NOT about you, or anything that you did or didn't do. This is a problem that stems from within him. Once you truly accept that it's not about you, then you'll be able to see it all with more clarity and not personalize it.

 

That said, for his part....he's got to get in the game here. His friendship with this girl is INAPPROPRIATE....if for no other reason than the fact that he's hurting his marriage. There's just no room for justification in that.

 

One of the concepts at marriagebuilders.com is: "Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse." I think it would benefit you both to read through the entire Basic Concepts section over there, btw., and to make a POJA (policy of joint agreement) about this girl. In making the POJA, keep in mind that it needs to be something that you BOTH agree on, so even if it takes days....keep working until you both agree.

 

It might be wise for him to have a medical or psychological work-up to determine if his anxiety should be treated. There are medications that can really be beneficial to him if that is indeed the case. You'd be surprised at the difference in people with treatable anxiety, who are getting this kind of help. It's like the weight of the world is lifted from their shoulders.

 

I think it would help you both to concentrate on making room in his busy schedule for family time. Rather than avoid his fears....he should rather immerse himself in his new role as husband and father. He's a smart guy. Maybe if he applies himself to learning all there is to know about babies and marriage, it'll be a little less threatening to him. But he needs to make TIME for it, even if it requires making some sacrifices to do it.

 

Do some nesting. Allow him to be integral in all the decisions that go along with that. If you don't have much money, that's okay...go to some flea markets together, and refurbish some second-hand things for Baby. Let him weigh in on nursery colors and decor. You know, things like that. Having babies is NOT just for women, not when it comes to caring for them anyhow. Dad's can be very involved, and nurturing. And the ones who elect to be, are overall REALLY good at it.

 

Also, do your financial planning TOGETHER. Be equal partners here, so that each of you has the assurance of sharing the burden. You'd be surprised at how much underlying anxiety you can both avoid, if you're fiscally responsible together.

 

And like I said before...Be gentle with each other. You're both going through alot of changes right now.

[jade_nc]

katie - your husband obviously loves you very much. if he didn't care about your marriage, he wouldn't have come here seeking advice.

 

being lied to is a very difficult thing to accept and forgive. i have been there on many issues with my H several times. i felt betrayed too. i couldn't let it go and ended up tormenting myself....constantly checking up on him to make sure that he hadn't lied to me again. it consumed me, it consumed my time. i was angry and exhausted from it.

 

then i realized that i wasn't functioning.....and that i couldn't spend the rest of my life that way. so, i choose to accept what happened, forgive it and move forward. i still think about it. but now when the thought comes to mind, it's followed by me telling myself the above. i think about it less everyday.

 

some things to consider though - do you really want to control your H? trying to control someone else's behavior can cause great resentment. do you really want to tell him who he can and can't be friends with? what purpose will that serve? would it be better to let him choose his friends, but have ground rules on what friendship is/means? if you had everything in common and saw everything from the same perspective, how would you grow as a couple? what would you talk about? is there something else wrong in your relationship that makes you feel you are "competing" with other people in his life? aren't you the one responsible for your happiness? and your H, his?

[Katiepete]

Hi all thanks for your advice. I did some soul searching and talked to my parents who have been married very happily married for 49 years. LadyJane, I think that you hit it right on the head. It's not my problem, it's nothing I could have prevented or instigated. I have not been the best at including him in things and he has not been overly responsive to my attempts, so I just justified it by saying he's so busy. He is so busy, but this is what is most important. I'm sure that Stacy was a great distraction. No strings attached, she's open to being his friend and making him feel good about himself. I asked him last night if he had feelings developing for her and he answered as I suspected "yes". That is why I don't agree with opposite sex friends in a marriage. Especially when he states that these friends would be someone he would date. I know how I feel when a friendship develops with someone of the opposite sex. Of course the thought crosses your mind. Sure, talking on a social level is different. But hanging out and "getting to know" that person only leads to temptations and pulls you farther away from the one that you love. I suspected something was happening months ago. It's hard to be happy and be the wife you want to be when their is suspection. Let alone throw pregnancy in there. I really am a strong person that has a good head on my shoulders. I am ready for parenthood, I just didn't realize how much this would torment our marriage. I will be understanding to him and what he is going through. He has always been understanding to me. He really is a wonderful husband just lately has been rocky. I think that marriage counseling is a great idea for couples that have time together. For us, I don't think it's appropriate. We need to face our issues and move forward. We don't have the time nor energy to rehash the past. Is this a poor way to look at it? I really am ready to move on and make this work. We need to spend the time we do have together in a fun way. When we have time, lately it is spent poorly. We have a fixer upper house and that can consume you and your pocketbook. I think that the date idea is a great one. I can't tell you the last time we took a vacation together. A couple of months ago we went out to KFC and saw a movie. How fun. We laughed and had a wonderful time. It is lack of time. Lack of energy for us. Who cares what our house looks like. We need to make this work. It will work, I feel it in my heart. We have this wonderful gift from God and he is looking out for us as well, maybe we just needed to open our eyes and see where this was leading. What lesson are we supposed to learn? Thanks again for all of your advice. LadyJane, I really like your advice of being supportive and understanding of him. It's so easy to push him away, so I don't get hurt anymore. Thank you thank you thank you! I feel so much better. I know we have a long road in front of us, but we can make it.

Kate

[jmargel]

I think that marriage counseling is a great idea for couples that have time together. For us, I don't think it's appropriate. We need to face our issues and move forward. We don't have the time nor energy to rehash the past. Is this a poor way to look at it?

 

Yes it is a poor way of looking at it. You are not going to couseling to "rehash" the past, you are going to counseling to know how to communicate with each other better. No book or article will substitute that because you are dealing with each other one on one. Yes the counselor will ask about past things, but you will notice they will focus on the future. Knowing how to deal with disagreements or disappointments. Knowing how to deal with certain situations when they come up and knowing how to look for subtle signs in your partner to direct you onto your next move.

 

It is vital and I really hope you at least try it. It won't hurt you, right? You have nothing to lose.

[Ladyjane14]

I think marriage counseling can work miracles for some people, but if you really don't believe that you'll be able to get it accomplished.....I think that there's still time for you two to work on this by yourselves for a while longer yet. Just my opinion.

 

You're both smart. You both seem to have a pretty good handle on the problem. And if you're BOTH really willing to put in the work, it's possible that you could go a long way on over-the-counter remedies. What I'm talking about is good reference materials, studied diligently at home.

 

Do NOT fail to take your situation seriously though. There is a strong possibility that Riptide could still make a serious mistake without intervention. I'm concerned about his judgement, while he's so stressed out.

 

If you decide against marriage counseling at this time, at least have him see his medical doctor, or screen for anxiety with a psychologist.

 

I'm very happy to hear that you two are moving forward together.

[Cecelius]

I agree with all the above advice. I was young and married with a child on the way, full time student and full time worker, and the only thing I learned during those long years was that life was going to suck (and I had to give it all my money and time too). Get to counselling to figure out how both of you can get what you need now, or else the resentment will build (it did for me), and when the money is not that big an issue and people start feeling safe, the first thing they do is look for a way out.

 

 

Originally posted by Ladyjane14

He's over-burdened his schedule, leaving himself very little free time to spend with you.

 

 

I disagree a little with the tone of this comment: a man's absolute and first obligation is to provide cash and a better life. Working for money and going to school to get more money is not a self-imposed "over-burden[ ]." It may be having an ill effect on him [that he is doing what he's supposed to be doing], but its not fair to him to say he brought it on himself.