Should we do this?

[kcs121]

My ex and i got together 5 years ago. We both have one child each. To be fair, he was extremely abusive and controlling in the first 2 years. We broke up multiple times. I held onto that pain for a long time, we both had issues that needed resolving when we got into the relationship. He pretty much lived with me, however we didn't "live" together - he always had his own house, own bills although he was never really at home.

 

In the past year he really changed, he was loving, there when i needed him, supportive of our family. We still had bickering and arguing and i immediately would revert back to thinking about the abuse and break up with him again.

 

We have been apart for about 3 months. His neediness/controlling/insecurities seem to have dissipated, he is happier, living his own life, looking after himself alot better.

 

We met for coffee and he explained he wants it all, another child, a family unit. This is what i want too. I bought up when we broke up and how he was being when we broke up (rude/arrogant), he said he changed and there was no point in talking about the past anymore. He said I need to work out what i want. If we get together we will live together, no more drama, no more bull****. Support and love.

 

Am i dreaming, is this too good to be true? We both made plenty of mistakes in our relationship, i always instigated the break ups though because of how he treated me. I think back now and realise i could have changed alot of how i was acting as well though. He is the only man i have ever loved, i wonder if there was an element of co-dependency with both of us though. Him actually having his life together is attractive, it seemed like when we were together though he reverted back to insecurity and control.

 

I want this badly with him, but the only thing holding me back is fear of the abuse again, fear that he will revert back to his old ways. I wonder whether he has changed, whether he can live his life and i can live mine, and we meet happily in the middle.

 

Thoughts??

 

Kelly

[Ruby65]

Unless he's been through therapy addressing his abuse, he's not going to get any better.

 

Actually, MOST abusers never get better -- even with therapy. That's a sorry statistic, but true.

 

IF you allow yourself to become in any way dependent on this man -- financially, emotionally, logistically -- if he's got you raising his kids, depending on him for his money -- then he'll be taking steps to isolate you socially as well.

 

Emotional abuse only escalates -- it hardly ever improves.

 

The more dependent you are on him.... the worse he will become.

 

I only say this because there are kids (and possibly a future unborn child) involved: if someone has shown you they're capable of emotional or verbal abuse, assume the worst and RUN!

 

See a counsellor and get some real help in deciding whether or not to have a child with an abuser. They DO escalate over time.... to physical abuse.... to child abuse.... to murder, even!

[BlackbirdSong]

Where the hell are these woman that forever love that one guy and are always willing to go back to their man after a breakup? Why can't that be my woman? Damn!!!

 

Sorry to threadjack, I'm having a tough day.

 

I really hope for your sake that he is true to his word and really makes the effort to work things out. God Bless you for possibly allowing him the opportunity to make things right and achieve happiness. Many women will not allow that second chance.

[Ruby65]

I really hope for your sake that he is true to his word and really makes the effort to work things out. God Bless you for possibly allowing him the opportunity to make things right and achieve happiness. Many women will not allow that second chance.

 

But he's NOT.

 

Abusers will do or say anything to hoover their exes back.... and when you have kids, it's not about fun or *romance* anymore!

 

It's about raising children in an emotionally/verbally abusive environment that could in all likelihood become PHYSICALLY abusive in time.

 

That's not about ROMANCE.

 

That's about survival, and about possibly exposing your kids to child abuse.

 

Not so *hot* when seen in that light, is he?

[OneBigIdgit]

I hear you Blackbirdsong. I'm stringing some really bad

days together. I can't figure out why but I can't get her

out of my head today.

 

I made the decision earlier in the week that I was going

out tonight to see if I can find someone I enterested in

taking her place. I see no harm if we take it really slow.

 

We've been split since Jan 14 and she was living with

the new guy and putting on Facebook how much she

loved him 10 days later. She basically moved 300+ miles

to move in with a guy she barely knew.

 

I'm not getting strong urges to contact her. Just would like

to think she hasn't totally forgotten.

[kcs121]

Ruby and Blackbird,

 

You speak some truth. Blackbird...you are right, most women wouldn't entertain the thought. He really did do a number on me in making me think i couldn't survive without him.

 

Ruby, i spoke to him last night again and basically said while we have been apart i have gotten into my music again, wanting to start going to local gigs/jam nights etc, he said straight up NO. I am a mother and i should be at home with my children.

 

That was it, i saw what was coming and said okay, goodbye then!! No matter how bad i "need" someone now and then, nothing is worth sacrificing my life and my sons life for control again.

 

Thanks all for your help and your wise words.

[Ruby65]

Yeah -- good for you for picking up on that huge flashing red flag!

 

You want to be with someone who's going to encourage you to grow and do things that make you happy and fulfilled... not someone who's going to try to bend you and force you to do what they think you should be doing.