I DID IT! I BROKE UP WITH MY AFFAIR! But feel awful

[SabrinaBr]

Hi everybody!

 

I'm Brazilian and i don't have the best english ever, so i hope you all can understand what i'm saying.

 

I'm in a relationship for about 5 years, and i really love my boyfriend. But we've been throught a bad time last year, and i ended up having an affair with a man that i used to work with. By that time he also had a girlfriend, but after 4 months that we were seeing each other, he broke up with her. I kept my boyfriend, and never tought about breaking up with him.

 

But now, it's been 9 months that i'm with bought of them. And my lover is not just about sex, we really care for each other and make plans, it's like we are really in a relationship as well.

 

However, he is single. Even tought we are sharing all these moments of passion, i'm afraid that eventually he will get tired of waiting for me to break up with my boyfriend, and he is going to end up meeting someone and leaving me. I won't be able to handle that. I love him so much by this point. And i know it sound selfish and ****ed up, but i'm REALLY in love with these two guys.

 

I decided i want to give my relationship i try, so i NEED to end this affair before we all get hurt. But it's so hard. I'm crying my soul out just to imagine not talking to him everyday, not seeing me.

 

Am i doing the right thing? I cant talk about this with anybody. =(

[Justanaverageguy]

I think it is pretty clear you are not doing the right thing. Break up with both of them and get your head straight. Your issue is you are unable to "detach" and you have very poor boundaries and have tried to resolve shortcomings in your relationship by adding a second man. Sorry to say that doesn't work.

 

Love is composed of 2 primary elements - attraction and attachment. Attraction is what draws us to a person. It is the exciting spark at the beginning - but its hard to maintain and fades over time. Attachment is what keeps us with a partner it is the slow burn that builds stronger over time the longer we are with some one and the more we share with them. It becomes harder and harder to break .... like an addiction. The longer you see someone the harder it is to give them up.

 

You hit the dreaded 4-5 year mark in your primary relationship which is when things ALWAYS get rocky. This is the time period when attraction fades, sex becomes a little bit boring and monotonous and people often start getting a wandering eye. Couples often fight a lot more during this period as the intimacy wanes and they grow apart. You decided to fix that fading attraction issue by simply cheating. You didn't want to give up the attachment for your boyfriend but you wanted to fill the "attraction" void by cheating. I think everyone here is going to tell you that's the wrong move. Now you have let your affair go on long enough you are stuck "attached" to 2 men. Double the problem you had before. Your attraction is likely stronger for the second guy for the simple reason he is the newer of the two and its an affair. The feelings of attraction are always more intense because its new, a secret and you don't have to deal with the day to day grind.

 

My advice is break up with both and go single and sort your self out. I know you wont do that though because you clearly are a person who has issues with breaking attachment bonds but that's what you should do.

[SabrinaBr]

I completely agree with you. I know i'm doing a terrible and selfish thing, and i'm doing it for the reason you said. I felt my relationship had lost that "begining passion", and i ended up looking for it in someone else.

 

But yeah, that ended up badly. Just like you said, now i have a double problem.

 

I don't want to break up with my boyfriend, cause i realized that i've done a bad thing, and i'm really sure it won't happen again. I've learned my lesson.

 

The problem is that i'm in so much pain for having to end the affair, because i got attached to my lover.... i swear, it feels like a drug addiction, it's so weird.

 

Thank you so much for your comment, it really helped!

[BetrayedH]

If you want to actually give your relationship a "try," it's only going to be a farce if you don't come clean with him. You'll really only have tricked him into staying with you. That's not a great foundation, especially if you eventually want to think of a bigger commitment like marriage. Even if you decide to come clean later, your lies will not have gotten better with age. He'll think the entire relationship has been a lie.

 

Break it off with your affair partner and find the courage to come clean with your boyfriend. Focus on living an honest and authentic life - one that you can be proud of. That's my $.02 anyway.

[Akheron]

From your post it appears that you care for your lover more than your boyfriend. Do your boyfriend a favor and end it with him. Let him go find someone that truly loves him and only him. As for your lover, what does it say about someone's character that will knowingly have an affair with someone's significant other? Is that really the type of person you want a relationship with. If so, then be prepared to be cheated on as well.

[Spectre]

If you loved your boyfriend you wouldn't of let another man have sex with you. There is nothing more to say. You come off as selfish and manipulative. You aren't ending the affair because it is the right thing to do, but merely because you want to end it before the guy you are screwing begins screwing other girls.

 

The best thing you could do for your boyfriend is to come clean to him so he can boot you out of his life forever. Though stop saying you love him, it's disingenuous for you to say that while at the same time admitting to an affair you carried on for many months.

[littlesister1234]

In my opinion, I think you should let your boyfriend and your lover go. Take some time to yourself, because you need it. It kind of sounds like you have to have a relationship and if that is the case, you don't need one right now until you figure out what you want. This will end up in two scenarios if you choose one. If you go with your boyfriend, you will always have this burden if you don't tell him (not to mention how unfair it is to him, esp. if he was faithful to you)or he will always use it against you when an argument arises. If you go with your lover, he will cheat on you (this is well known that the majority of relationships that start from cheating, end in cheating).

[Spectre]

I'm in a relationship for about 5 years, and i really love my boyfriend. But we've been throught a bad time last year, and i ended up having an affair with a man that i used to work with. By that time he also had a girlfriend, but after 4 months that we were seeing each other, he broke up with her. I kept my boyfriend, and never tought about breaking up with him.

 

Are..are you crazy? Just because you recognize you did a bad thing doesn't mean it won't happen again, nor does it mean you have the right to keep the information from your boyfriend.

 

Let me put this another way, if you truly love this guy why would you ever want him to be in a relationship with a person like you? Wouldn't you want him to be happy and be with someone who respects him? If your bf is so great, why doesn't he deserve to be rid of a woman who cheats on him?

 

In my opinion, I think you should let your boyfriend and your lover go. Take some time to yourself, because you need it. It kind of sounds like you have to have a relationship and if that is the case, you don't need one right now until you figure out what you want. This will end up in two scenarios if you choose one. If you go with your boyfriend, you will always have this burden if you don't tell him (not to mention how unfair it is to him, esp. if he was faithful to you)or he will always use it against you when an argument arises. If you go with your lover, he will cheat on you (this is well known that the majority of relationships that start from cheating, end in cheating).

 

My thing is, even if she breaks up with the bf he still deserves to be told what the OP did to him. You don't get to skimp on the truth just because the relationship is over.

Edited February 18, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge

[SabrinaBr]

I've never told anyone any of this, so... I'm glad with all the advices. I'm considering all of your opinions. Really. I feel so sad and confused... i guess i'm just paying the price for what i did.

[Diezel]

It only took you 9 months to realize you should end the affair?

 

End it with your boyfriend and stay with the new guy. Your boyfriend deserves better than you. You and the other guy clearly deserve each other.

 

Hopefully you two will cheat on each other forever and ever with people like yourselves and leave more deserving relationships for other people.

[Chi townD]

What I have a problem with is you classifying the two of them. You call your BF by his title of boyfriend and you call your affair partner your lover. The thing is, your boyfriend should be your lover.

 

 

Your boyfriend should be your lover, your best friend, your shoulder to lean on, someone to hear you when you have a problem, your partner in life.

 

 

I think that what happens with a lot of couples is when they get together, passion and lust are very strong between the two. But they have to work on other aspects of the relationship, because if you don't; once that passion and lust wears away and the honeymoon phase of the relationship ends, sometimes you're left looking at a total stranger. The goal should be, that when the honeymoon phase is over, you should be left looking at your best friend.

 

 

But, here's the rub, you have to work on this NEW aspect of this relationship. Relationships are ever changing and if you don't change along with it, then the relationship is doomed.

 

 

So, it sounds like the passion and lust died down and you were coming out of the honeymoon phase, but YOU still wanted that passion and lust and you found it with someone else. Now, the passion and lust is wearing down with your affair partner because it's being replaced with a massive amount of guilt. Guilt enough to come here and post a thread about your problem. Make any sense to you?

[SabrinaBr]

CHI_TOWND, yes, it does.

[stillafool]

You can move out into your own place and support yourself financially. Then, tell both men you love them and are planning on seeing them both (if they agree) until you make up your mind who you want to be with. Anything other than this will not work. You have to be independent and honest with them both to make this work.

[Chi townD]

Okay, so since you're new here. You need to know an old saying, "If he's willing to cheat WITH you, then he has no problem cheating ON you." Your affair partner isn't your knight in shining armor. He knew you probably had a boyfriend and the two of you allowed for this to happen. So, he didn't care about you and what you had with your boyfriend and I doubt he's ever felt any guilt. Stats say that only 7-14% of relationships that start with infidelity usually doesn't last for the long haul, because your relationship was built on the pain of others.

 

 

You need to end things with the OM. He's not your lover, he's not a friend to you or your relationship. And your boyfriend needs to know the truth. And you might lose him. But you were in the drivers seat when you decided to cheat on him. So, you can expect him to be in the driver seat as far as where this relationship goes.

 

 

If you don't tell him, then the guilt is going to eat you alive. There will always be an elephant in the room. You will fight with him because you may feel that he has a right to be angry with you. You will hate any small gesture of love and kindness he does for you because you may feel that you don't deserve it. And it might get to the point where you won't want to see him because seeing him would be a constant reminder of what you did to him and the secret that you keep.

 

 

You have a lot to think about.

[road]

You are here because you know what you are doing is wrong.

 

 

To set things right you must realize that your OM is cheating with you he will also cheat on you. A man that has no morals, lies, takes from others (BF) what is not his, does not have the ability to be a good partner, parent, man.

 

 

So you must dump your OM. That means 100% NC/no contact.

 

 

Then you must tell your BF about the cheating. Do not trickle truth. This means the whole truth.

[SabrinaBr]

I know i have to tell my boyfriend. And i know he is going to forgive me, because we kind of talked before about this subject and i think he would choose to forgive and keep our relationship.

 

But then i think... If it was him cheating on me, and he decided that he wanted to be with me and forget about his other woman, i honestly would prefer to never know about it. It would be like it never happened, and i woudnt have to deal with the pain of being betrayed. So i really dont think i will have the courage to tell him.

 

Am i crazy?

 

The worst part is that i feel so disgusted with myself... Because my major issue is not even the fact that i cheated, but having to put an end into this before it gets more messy. I'm such a terrible person right now.

[No Limit]

You're trying to find a reason not to tell him to avoid it. The problem is that deception is a great relationship killer, and affairs even when long forgotten by the one who cheated can always pop back up later.

 

Tell your BF, he too has a say in this. If you don't want to tell him break up with him, as this shows how little you really care for him and how much of your "love" for him is just what you tell yourself.

[BetrayedH]

I know i have to tell my boyfriend...

 

...But then i think... If it was him cheating on me, and he decided that he wanted to be with me and forget about his other woman, i honestly would prefer to never know about it. It would be like it never happened, and i woudnt have to deal with the pain of being betrayed. So i really dont think i will have the courage to tell him.

 

Am i crazy?

 

Well, your thought process here isn't the most rational. You start the post acknowledging that you need to tell him. Then you discuss how YOU wouldn't want to know but (quite importantly) close that thought with a statement that you don't have the courage to tell him.

 

I think that last piece is the most critical. There's no need to do a bunch of mental gymnastics to justifying continuing to lie. The answer is simple; it's just not easy.

 

Find that missing courage. Your BF deserves to be able to make an informed decision about staying with you. Deserve that decision to stay and forgive by deonstrating that you're worthy of it (by voluntarily deciding to live an honest and authentic life). Some waywards try to justify the continued lying by saying that they deserve to live with the guilt. I think that's just more mental gymnastics and frankly, if your BF loves you as much as you say, he won't want you to carry this kind of secret to the grave.

[road]

Does not matter if you would not want to be told. You BF needs the truth. He deserves no less.

[smackie9]

I know i have to tell my boyfriend. And i know he is going to forgive me, because we kind of talked before about this subject and i think he would choose to forgive and keep our relationship.

 

 

 

Your BF is an idiot for letting you think he would forgive you....no wonder you were comfortable to carry on with this affair for 9 bloody months.

[Radu]

Hi everybody!

 

I'm Brazilian and i don't have the best english ever, so i hope you all can understand what i'm saying.

 

I'm in a relationship for about 5 years, and i really love my boyfriend. But we've been throught a bad time last year, and i ended up having an affair with a man that i used to work with. By that time he also had a girlfriend, but after 4 months that we were seeing each other, he broke up with her. I kept my boyfriend, and never tought about breaking up with him.

 

But now, it's been 9 months that i'm with bought of them. And my lover is not just about sex, we really care for each other and make plans, it's like we are really in a relationship as well.

 

However, he is single. Even tought we are sharing all these moments of passion, i'm afraid that eventually he will get tired of waiting for me to break up with my boyfriend, and he is going to end up meeting someone and leaving me. I won't be able to handle that. I love him so much by this point. And i know it sound selfish and ****ed up, but i'm REALLY in love with these two guys.

 

I decided i want to give my relationship i try, so i NEED to end this affair before we all get hurt. But it's so hard. I'm crying my soul out just to imagine not talking to him everyday, not seeing me.

 

Am i doing the right thing? I cant talk about this with anybody. =(

You'd need a time machine for that ... one that can take you 10 months back into the past.

[SabrinaBr]

 

I fell relief, but at the same time, i fell so sad. I really loved him. We spent almost a year together, we talked to each other all day... i'm going to miss him so much, but i asked him to not talk to me at all at first, because i need to let it go.

Our talk was so weird and sad. I know i did the right thing, but i couldn't sleep at all, i'm crying a lot.

Any tips to make this part easier? I just keep thinking that maybe he was the one, and i gave it up to stay in my relationship. At the same time, i think about that "If he's willing to cheat with you, he's willing to cheat on you" thing, and i know that he wasn't prince charming. But WHY is this so hard, them?

[VeryBrokenMan]

Any man that cheats with a married women does not respect or value her at all. If he were an upstanding person he would let you get your life in order and break it off with your husband before getting involved with you. It's that simple. Quality men that you would want as long term partners do not cheat with you. The affair was just a fantasy with both of you seeing just the good things and few survive reality for any length of time. You also need to understand regardless of what he said, it was the sex that kept him interested.

[jen1447]

She's not married.

 

Was there any chance that the both of them would have been agreeable with polyamory?

[aliveagain]

Hi everybody!

 

I'm Brazilian and i don't have the best english ever, so i hope you all can understand what i'm saying.

 

I'm in a relationship for about 5 years, and i really love my boyfriend. But we've been throught a bad time last year, and i ended up having an affair with a man that i used to work with. By that time he also had a girlfriend, but after 4 months that we were seeing each other, he broke up with her. I kept my boyfriend, and never tought about breaking up with him.

 

But now, it's been 9 months that i'm with bought of them. And my lover is not just about sex, we really care for each other and make plans, it's like we are really in a relationship as well.

 

However, he is single. Even tought we are sharing all these moments of passion, i'm afraid that eventually he will get tired of waiting for me to break up with my boyfriend, and he is going to end up meeting someone and leaving me. I won't be able to handle that. I love him so much by this point. And i know it sound selfish and ****ed up, but i'm REALLY in love with these two guys.

 

I decided i want to give my relationship i try, so i NEED to end this affair before we all get hurt. But it's so hard. I'm crying my soul out just to imagine not talking to him everyday, not seeing me.

 

Am i doing the right thing? I cant talk about this with anybody. =(

 

I agree with the this sentence, you are selfish and until one of these men discovers your infidelity you will never fully understand the depth of your deception. Until it happens to you, you will never understand the pain you are inflicting. It is only a matter of time before it is discovered. The truth will always find its way into the light. You just have to read the posts here to know that will eventually happen. Until you start to respect boundaries and respect the people you are in a relationship with you are a bad girlfriend choice. Your really only deceiving yourself because no matter what happens, you still have to live with your actions.