MM left W , then went back

[SleekArchitecture]

Can you not see that calling the BS's suicidal ideation a "game" is indeed a "dig" at this BS?

 

I can certainly understand how that (suicidal thoughts) might happen. You know; the man you love, married, made a home with, had kids, shared bills, family, ups and down of life, gets blindsided by her prince of a husband? Yet, she's the one who's supposed to slink away and open the door for Farrah to walk into her life. And the OP is just dumbfounded as to why she might feel that way or why the BS doesn't leave.

 

If the MM doesn't love his wife and plans to cheat on her, hopes the OP gets pregnant, is SO in love, he should seek divorce, protect his children from the crazy BS. Of course, he doesn't do that. He just slinks home, and the BS gets called out for playing games.

 

Sorry but I see calling a man non stop as excessive and out of control behavior. People get upset but have to learn how to control themselves regardless who they are, Single, Married, etc.

[purplesorrow]

I read it as the wife, but if it is a child I hope they find the proper counseling for the child. Relationships break up all the time. I am divorced with children and they never reacted that way. Sad and not understanding is very normal, but I can see an unstable mother providing an environment in which children may feel out of control and the above is a result. I hope this works out in the best way possible especially for the children.

 

What makes you think the mother is the one unstable? Unless your divorce consisted of the kids knowing you left their home and already has a new love interest, there is no comparison. You act as though his wife's reaction is somehow over the top and inappropriate. Look at how you have reacted over your mm. You didn't even build a life with him. Why is it so hard to find any empathy for his wife?

[Lurkeraspect]

Sorry but I see calling a man non stop as excessive and out of control behavior. People get upset but have to learn how to control themselves regardless who they are, Single, Married, etc.

 

Your "excessive and out of control behaviour" is another couples normal. And some would say, this particular MM is indeed out of control.

[Cinnimon]

"Getting involved with a MM says something about the OW."

Says a whole lot about the MM as well. Does it also say something about a BS who finds out and keeps him? I mean it can go all ways can't it.

I mean yes OW do look pitiful and accept crumbs, probably just as pitiful as BS who have had their world blown apart but still want to keep the grenade.

I'm sorry but the OW is not the reason these guys cheat on their wives.

And the MM is the one who made the "pregnant" comment, not the OW, she isn't trying to trap anyone.

[Furious]

I told him what I knew he was going to do anyway. I knew he was going back.

 

 

The phonecalls were increasing with her and her family always talking about how awful things were at home.

 

He said I do have love for my wife, not in love but she is taking the brunt of all these problems on herself.

 

 

He didnt move in with me yet, he was staying with family.

 

The day he left , he said Im not saying goodbye, I dont feel like its goodbye.

 

Then the next day he tells me, his wife said 3 strikes and youre out. He said she meant it. I said I dont believe that to be true based on what ive seen.

 

Well he may have gotten me pregnant on the day he said goodbye, we'll see.

 

 

But why? Because maybe his wife wouldn't forgive that and throw him out? She was always sweet to him, even during the week he was with me. Im confused, so many contradictions.

 

He said I dont know why im going back , I know I am for the kids, and maybe its guilt.

 

He went to stay with family. That's huge. So, the week you had with him, was just more sneaking around.

 

Also, it takes two to get pregnant, it's not.."well he may have gotten me pregnant on the day he said goodbye".

 

This whole thing is tragic and recklessly irresponsible.

[Hope Shimmers]

OP, my sympathies for the pain you are going through.

 

Given the situation, I'm not sure exactly what MM expected, though. He thought he was going to just walk out of the house, spend the week with you, and his wife and kids were going to do what... just be fine with it? He was very irresponsible and uncaring towards his family to handle it that way. If he wanted to get a divorce, it should have been worked out with his spouse and a plan put in place. You should have been out of the situation for a good long time, until you knew he was truly out. (And take it from me, even after six months of that, they still go back to the wife).

 

There was just no chance that this was ever going to work out in anyone's best interest.

 

Getting involved with a MM says something about the OW. Reading on here who so many OW "want to die" if they can't have the MM, how they will do "anything" to keep the MM, etc is all very sad and pitiful.

 

jellybean, you know I like you. I do want to point out, though, that I honestly don't think it is the actual person that is being mourned. I think it is an addiction to the person, and being left to feel that you have totally given yourself to someone who didn't value you and basically threw you away. It is mourning so much more than the end of a relationship, and believe me, it really is SO much more painful (at least it was for me) that it doesn't even compare.

 

There are countless stories on here about pregnant OW who think that having the MM's baby will bring them closer to 'getting' the MM, when in reality, affairs are about fantasy and no stress...and a pregnant mistress is the opposite of that. How anyone can willingly put a child in the middle of this shows what a crappy person they are. No child should be the pawn used to 'get a man'.

 

I will just let this go because commenting on this is hard, but I will say that not every OW who gets pregnant planned it or meant to trap him. I do know that some do, of course. I didn't really get that impression in this case, although there seemed like plenty of apathy going on in terms of preventing it.

 

I think that in this situation it was irresponsible to "mostly" have used birth control and what MM said about hoping she was pregnant so he could "be with her forever" is horrible. He sounds like a real jerk who couldn't make a mature and responsible decision if his life depended on it. And so many people were caught in the crossfire.

[Hope Shimmers]

Then the next day he tells me, his wife said 3 strikes and youre out. He said she meant it. I said I dont believe that to be true based on what ive seen.

 

I'm confused about this. Why would his wife say that? Does that mean he's on strike 3 (what were the other 2 strikes?) Or that she was giving him 2 more chances not to screw up?

 

Either way, why did it matter to him that she said that? He was already "out", right? He had made the decision to leave. So why would that statement have any impact on him?

[awkward]

By the end of the week she told him one of thier kids was not doing well, she felt she could be suicidal.

 

I mentioned it because it was similar in how the BW in her case is reacting, using suicide and the children as pawns in a way to force reconciliation.

 

Is the betrayed wife using suicide and the children as pawns? I read that the betrayed wife thinks the child may be suicidal.

 

The W told him , if you come back, you cant see or speak to OW. And dont come back just for kids... He doesn't know why he went back, if its guilt, he does love his W.

 

She is using dramatics and hysteria to get her husband to move back home.

 

Can you point out where the betrayed wife in this story is using dramatics and hysteria?

 

 

Relationships break up all the time. I am divorced with children and they never reacted that way. Sad and not understanding is very normal, but I can see an unstable mother providing an environment in which children may feel out of control and the above is a result.

 

So MM goes and stays with family so he can spend a week playing with OW. Because his betrayed wife isn't accepting of that, she is unstable? Maybe MM (Daddy) is the unstable one. He moved out for a week to stay with family. He moved back in with his wife. And we all know, he will go back and forth some more with OW and BS.

 

W would call everyday, telling him of the devestation at home, she was not eating, she was dizzy, He would cry because he felt awful.

 

By the end of the week she told him one of thier kids was not doing well, she felt she could be suicidal. . He cried all day.

 

Sorry but I see calling a man non stop as excessive and out of control behavior. People get upset but have to learn how to control themselves regardless who they are, Single, Married, etc.

 

Calling/texting someone non-stop all day long is excessive. That is how many affair relationships operate. In this case, that is not what the OP said. She said that his wife called him everyday to tell him of the devastation that he caused. Is it ok if his wife calls him everyday? Or should it be every other day? When she is concerned for the children, should she write him an email?

 

This woman is married, in love, has kids, and has a life with her cheater husband. Why should she walk away? I have seen OW hold on to their MM for less, even you.

[awkward]

I'm confused about this. Why would his wife say that? Does that mean he's on strike 3 (what were the other 2 strikes?) Or that she was giving him 2 more chances not to screw up?

 

Either way, why did it matter to him that she said that? He was already "out", right? He had made the decision to leave. So why would that statement have any impact on him?

 

It could be that BW made MM leave the house and stay with family. Perhaps she didn't know he was with OW all week. If MM begged to come back home, then the three strikes and your out makes sense.

 

Maybe OP can clarify is MM had more than one affair or more than one D-Day with her. What did BW mean by the three strikes?

[velvette]

She is using dramatics and hysteria to get her husband to move back home. If this was an OW displaying these signs she would have to dig a hole because of the onslaught of slurs from posters. This BW is playing the husband psychologically and placing her children in the middle. I find that extremely manipulative and cunning.

 

I read it the child was suicidal, in which case your comment is a bit callous imo.

 

 

When my H left his exW, she called some weeks later to say their oldest son who was 10 had put a belt around his neck and threatened suicide. I don't even know where he got that idea unless it was something he saw on tv.

 

 

It wasn't drama and hysterics. Wouldn't you take it seriously if one of your children did that?

 

 

He was also blaming her for his dad not being there. She called to have my H talk to his son. Not to manipulate anyone.

 

 

They did everything right as far as the kids were concerned. I could criticize her for lots of stuff if I wanted to, but I am quite sure she had nothing to do with what his son did. He was distraught over their separation and pending divorce and that's how he expressed it.

 

 

Who else should she have called except the childs father to help her deal with their child?

[SleekArchitecture]

So if your child was suicidal and you didn't know because your kid was living with the dad, you wouldn't want to know about that right away? If the dad called you immediately you would say "how dare you tell me this!, don't call me again until you have properly handled this situation all on your own."

 

Sorry but as a parent if my children were in emotional turmoil I damn well wanted to know. I would be blind with rage if someone suspected my kid might be suicidal and didn't tell me immediately. Has nothing to do with being an armchair psychiatrist. It's about being a loving involved parent.

 

I would want to know the proper authorities were called immediately before I was notified if my child's was in life and limb and they were about to hang themselves. Yes, they could contact me after or during the the interrogation and custody of said child to proper treatment. The drama speak could come later.

[whichwayisup]

Farrah, just take care of you now. What happens between him and his wife has to play out as it will. Anything can happen, maybe they'll work it out, maybe they won't... Just don't wait in the wings - Go on with your life the best you can. Focus on your women friends, family and be good to yourself.

Edited March 29, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[whichwayisup]

People need to stop putting their own spin on this and applying their situation and putting it in Farrah's. Many are hurting and going through their own stuff but that doesn't mean jumping to the worst conclusion about this guy's wife is gospel. NO where have I read that she's done something completely out of the norm.

 

And I'm sure ALL their kids are going through emotional hell. Not functioning well at all either.

[whichwayisup]

He chose to go back. Period.

 

Exactly. If he didn't want go back he'd just go see his kids, get into family counseling with them and sort out this situation, get them used to not having him around, talk it out. If he wanted to stay with OW (farrah) he'd not go back at all, even for his kids sake. He isn't done with his marriage. He loves his wife, he just let another woman into his heart. People who are done, are done and NOTHING can bring them back. He's far from done with his marriage.

 

Though sadly with that said, I do believe he will reach out and try to re start the affair once the dust settles.

 

Farrah, I hope you're not pregnant, if you are, your life and their life is going to be confusing, painful and complicated. SO much turmoil on the way..worse than is it now or has been.

[whichwayisup]

So what? The MM caused that pain and drama by running away from home to go play with his OW instead of properly preparing his family for seperation. He just walked out the door and left his wife and kids devastated. His wife isn't some evil conniving terrible person just because she was in anguish and wanted her husband home.

 

Many families sit down together and talk to the kids - A plan is already in place, how the situation is going to be handled has already been discussed - In this case, he just up, told them and left. NOT cool at all.

 

I agree anika with everything you said. She is far from evil, this woman had her whole life as she knew go upside down and she was blindsided. How anybody could handle that with grace and maturity, calmness is beyond me.

 

Sleek, this woman has every right to fight for her own husband. She should she just give up and hand her husband over to the OW? She loves him and doesn't want him to go.

[Lurkeraspect]

So what? The MM caused that pain and drama by running away from home to go play with his OW instead of properly preparing his family for seperation. He just walked out the door and left his wife and kids devastated. His wife isn't some evil conniving terrible person just because she was in anguish and wanted her husband home.

 

Right!?

 

I'm neither a BS or an OW, just a human who thinks people should be treated with dignity and empathy. To call this mother a crazed manipulatior because one of the kids is destroyed by the cowardly, cheating husband/dad and may be suicidal, and calls the husban/dad to let him know...yet it's the BS/mom who's has done wrong? I don't get it. Just crazy thinking. It's really sad that all that insight wasn't given prior to blowing the kids life up. Smh.

[velvette]

He chose to go back. Period.

 

 

Exactly, and on the way out the OP's door he manipulated her to keep her waiting by telling her if she was pregnant that would solve everything.

 

 

If he was done with the marriage, he would have done what my H did in the same situation. He would have talked to the child and made arrangements to see the child ASAP to address their hurt/anger and reassure the child that he loved them, remind them that they could call him anytime and would be there for them whether or not he was in the home.

[Lurkeraspect]

Exactly, and on the way out the OP's door he manipulated her to keep her waiting by telling her if she was pregnant that would solve everything.

 

 

If he was done with the marriage, he would have done what my H did in the same situation. He would have talked to the child and made arrangements to see the child ASAP to address their hurt/anger and reassure the child that he loved them, remind them that they could call him anytime and would be there for them whether or not he was in the home.

 

This is so true.

 

I'm divorced and my ex and I co-parent. If our child is sick, or suicidal and I call him, that doesn't mean he needs to drop his girlfriend and run back to me. Just fulfil his duties (which he'd happliy do) as a father. This MM isn't even close to being finished with his marriage and has realized that he's done things in a completely wrong order. He's scrambling now.

[Hope Shimmers]

Well some OW do act this way and to be honest I don't think impact to the OW is really comparable to the BW. I'm not saying that the OW's pain is less when the MM dumps her, but the fallout and the impact definitely is. Every aspect of the BWs life is entwined with her husband. They share children, a house, finances, extended family, friends, and years of history. Usually the OW has none of those things with the MM and when the affair ends nothing much changes in her life. She just has to recover from having a broken heart but she isn't dealing with suddenly being a single parent, possible financial ruin, losing assets or being forced to move, losing years long relationships because friends and in laws feel like they have to take a side, and on top of all of that the BW has to cope with being lied to, deceived and cheated on as well as her broken heart.

 

So I can understand a BW being a little emotional and unstable when all that is hitting her at the same time and I don't think it can be compared to the end of the affair.

 

The end of my affair was infinitely worse for me - indescribably worse - than the end of my 15+ year marriage. But for reasons that really had more to do with me.

[anika99]

The end of my affair was infinitely worse for me - indescribably worse - than the end of my 15+ year marriage. But for reasons that really had more to do with me.

 

Are you talking about how you felt or about how it changed the dynamics of your daily life? I was referring to the actual changes to the BW and the kids lives when the MM walks out the door.

[Lurkeraspect]

To the OP: I hope this has been all you need to move on with your life. This man isn't leaving, probably never intended to leave. I'm sorry for your pain.

Edited March 29, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Hope Shimmers]

Are you talking about how you felt or about how it changed the dynamics of your daily life? I was referring to the actual changes to the BW and the kids lives when the MM walks out the door.

 

Both, for me, but again, that was on me. The dynamics of my daily life changed because I was such a mess, but it wasn't about losing a spouse or a life built together.

 

I agree with you regarding the changes to the BW and kids' lives when he walks out the door. In no way did I mean to diminish that.

[dreamingoftigers]

Are you talking about how you felt or about how it changed the dynamics of your daily life? I was referring to the actual changes to the BW and the kids lives when the MM walks out the door.

 

She has mentioned the end of her affair previously.

 

It was life-altering and completely horrible.

 

It was worse than you are imagining. I promise.

 

I am a BW.

[anika99]

Both, for me, but again, that was on me. The dynamics of my daily life changed because I was such a mess, but it wasn't about losing a spouse or a life built together.

 

I agree with you regarding the changes to the BW and kids' lives when he walks out the door. In no way did I mean to diminish that.

 

Understood. I think some OW probably do suffer other consequences other than just hurt feelings and sometimes they become a little unstable too. I don't wish pain on either the BW or the OW

[Hope Shimmers]

She has mentioned the end of her affair previously.

 

It was life-altering and completely horrible.

 

It was worse than you are imagining. I promise.

 

I am a BW.

 

Thank you.