MM left W , then went back

[dreamingoftigers]

Farrah.......

 

Seriously, let this go!

 

He isn't anywhere near stable, married or not.

Pick a STABLE partner who is grounded, HAS a PLAN, goals and knows what he has to do to execute them.

 

His relationship management skills are just the pits and his fatherhood is even in turmoil.

 

This is NOT good long-term material unless you want to be the next BW who is picking up after him and his tornado.

 

That's how he loves......when someone else is doing the heavy lifting.

 

And frankly, that seems to be the way MANY MM "love."

 

The have a spouse take care of the not fun parts and then complain about how not fun it is.

Edited March 29, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Hope Shimmers]

Understood. I think some OW probably do suffer other consequences other than just hurt feelings and sometimes they become a little unstable too. I don't wish pain on either the BW or the OW

 

Thanks. It was quite a bit more than hurt feelings in my case. I hope I wasn't unstable to anyone other than myself.

[farrah5451]

And I saw a Dateline special where the OW killed the wife so she could have the cheater all to herself.

 

there are all kinds of crazy people everywhere. Getting involved with a MM says something about the OW. Reading on here who so many OW "want to die" if they can't have the MM, how they will do "anything" to keep the MM, etc is all very sad and pitiful. OW go into the affair knowing the MM is married and they settle for the crumbs, but as time goes by, they want more and more and their anxiety ramps up when they realize month after month that that MM isn't leaving...and maybe, just maybe, the marriage was never "in trouble" as the MM had claimed.

 

OP - you do not want to have the MM's baby. If you think he will 'choose' you, you are wrong. There are countless stories on here about pregnant OW who think that having the MM's baby will bring them closer to 'getting' the MM, when in reality, affairs are about fantasy and no stress...and a pregnant mistress is the opposite of that. How anyone can willingly put a child in the middle of this shows what a crappy person they are. No child should be the pawn used to 'get a man'.

Oh no please dont misunderstand, I will not have a baby, no way... he ***** inside me , knowing he wasn't supposed to. Why do that to me, the day you're leaving? Then he tells me he hopes I am pregnant so he could be with me forever. .. he can choose to be with me, he didn't have to do that.

[farrah5451]

It could be that BW made MM leave the house and stay with family. Perhaps she didn't know he was with OW all week. If MM begged to come back home, then the three strikes and your out makes sense.

 

Maybe OP can clarify is MM had more than one affair or more than one D-Day with her. What did BW mean by the three strikes?

 

W said 3strikes comment because for past 2 months he was to have NC with me. He gave in twice by calling me. She could tell and he admitted it. Thise were the 2 strikes. Now that he was returning, she warned him....one more strike and youre out. He never cheated before.

[farrah5451]

The 16 yr. Old mentioned to a friend in school , she wanted to kill herself. The same day , the W called MM and first asked him, How many times did you speak to OW today? She brought up the suicide comment at the end of conversation. She said once MM comes back , we'll get her into therapy. How concerned was she, if she is bringing me up first?

Edited March 29, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[georgia girl]

Gosh, there's been a lot of drama on this thread. I hope I don't add to it.

 

 

First, Farrah, I'm very sorry for your pain. My personal take is that your MM made - and attempted - to deliver on a promise to you that he just wasn't able to keep. As for your post, here's my thoughts if it helps to provide any insight (and I'm neither a BW or OW):

 

 

1) He was feeling tremendous guilt in leaving. I think he probably very much enjoyed his time with you, but the off-set of that was that he got to see, perhaps for the first time, what the effect of having that happiness with you would have on everyone else in his life. That's heavy stuff. Suddenly, the idealization doesn't match reality. Wife is hurt, kids are devastated, he's staying with family and they're asking questions. I think he foolishly envisioned leaving, some chaos but ultimately either the happiness with you or the "noise" around the chaos would be quiet enough that the idea of staying gone tipped into his favor.

 

 

2) That leads me to my next point. Regardless of what he said to you, I think he was "trying out" the concept of leaving. I'm sure he played it off as it was a done deal. But the facts speak for themselves. He didn't commit financially to leaving by finding his own place, he didn't have a plan to meet/transition with his kids, he didn't have a plan to work through issues with his wife. I think he genuinely loves you but he was trying this concept out.

 

 

3) I think that he may have overplayed or overstated his wife's responses as to herself. That would be an easy out to him. Play up his guilt and how its not his fault because his wife is really, really taking it hard. And you know, he still loves but is not in love with her. But, she just can't handle it. That takes the blame away from him and his potential second thoughts and puts it on your "enemy", his wife. Very conflict avoidant behavior and extremely effective.

 

 

4) Then, as for the daughter's potential suicidal ideations, I think that was serious. I actually applaud the wife for calling him about that and this is the only area where I applaud him for immediately responding. That needs to be addressed immediately with the family and potential medical/psychiatric therapy. Not a mom, but I can tell you that if something like that happened with one of my kids when he/she was not with me, I had better be my spouse's first call whether or not we're together. I won't practice medicine, but I will say that in children aged 11-19, there is a high prevalence of temporary adjustment disorder (situational depression). It should not be dismissed. It does not mean that a child needs to be institutionalized or that the child has a long-term diagnosis, but it does mean that their emotional development may not be in a place where they can handle the current stimulus. The family should work in a counseling situation and let a medical/clinical professional guide them to a family-based response.

 

 

5) The comment about I hope you're pregnant? That was both emotion and again, an action of conflict avoidant behavior. He does love you and he sees the child as sealing you together. But, he wants a child with you to make it then compelling that he have you and this conceptualized baby as a part of his life. He doesn't have to make a decision. It's made for him. Please, please don't fall for this. To me, it's very similar to his conceptualization of leaving. He hasn't thought it all the way through and you cannot rely - as much as your heart may want to - on his espoused desires. The reality may not be what he envisioned and when it isn't, his most recent actions show you that you can then not rely on his responses.

 

 

6) My personal impression of this guy is that he really lives in a fantasy world. He can't handle the tough stuff in life. Even if you did "get him" I think you'd regret it, honestly. You'd always have to be the strong one, smoothing life's path for him and he'd likely still get very discontented. Then, he may wander again - feeling some entitlement to "happiness" - and leave you wondering how you could do/have done more.

 

 

7) Finally, his wife's three strikes and you're out? As well as don't come back for the kids, comments? I think she's telling him that he had strike one in having an affair, had strike two when he left for a week and he's on strike three. Have contact with you, fake reconciliation, not invest in the family, whatever, and he's out. That's what she's saying. I also think that flies in the face of his representations to you that she was desperate when he left. If she had bee so desperate, she wouldn't tell him he was on his last strike.

 

 

He did whatever he could to make himself not look so bad going home and to keep you still invested in this relationship. But this is a man with no plan. He doesn't know how he's going to be able to continue to have a relationship with you under his wife's nose right now and he doesn't plan on leaving.

 

 

Hugs to you. This has to desperately hurt.

 

 

Good luck, GG

[purplesorrow]

No the 16 yr. Old mentioned to a friend in school , she wanted to kill herself. The same day , the W called MM and first asked him, How many times did you speak to OW today? She brought up the suicide comment at the end of conversation. She said once MM comes back , we'll get her into therapy. How concerned was she, if she is bringing me up first? Im sorry, but Sleek is correct, imo.

 

So he wasn't man enough to tell her he was leaving and going to you? You're still a secret? Are certain he wasn't kicked out?

[farrah5451]

So he wasn't man enough to tell her he was leaving and going to you? You're still a secret? Are certain he wasn't kicked out?

 

Shw would call everyday with questions and comments like , oh you must be having fun so did you see her last night, did you call her and tell her about what we discussed? So how many times did you sleep with her in the last few days?... it was mutual, she realized he wouldn't stop calling me and said you should leave and he agreed but he knew that when he admitted to her he had been calling

[Lovebug66]

Shw would call everyday with questions and comments like , oh you must be having fun so did you see her last night, did you call her and tell her about what we discussed? So how many times did you sleep with her in the last few days?... it was mutual, she realized he wouldn't stop calling me and said you should leave and he agreed but he knew that when he admitted to her he had been calling

 

He had the W on speaker phone so you heard all this or is it just what he told you?

[anika99]

Shw would call everyday with questions and comments like , oh you must be having fun so did you see her last night, did you call her and tell her about what we discussed? So how many times did you sleep with her in the last few days?... it was mutual, she realized he wouldn't stop calling me and said you should leave and he agreed but he knew that when he admitted to her he had been calling

 

The more information you give the more it sounds like it was the MM who wanted to go home, even more than the BW wanted him back. I know you want to believe that it was that needy desperate wife who dragged him back against his will and that's what he wants you to believe as well, but I just don't think that was the case. I've seen women who are desperate to hang onto a man and they don't do and say the things this BW does. They don't stand up for themselves at all, they don't issue ultimatums, they tell the man to leave and then tell him not to come back if its not for the right reasons. Desperate women usually accept whatever terms the man offers them

 

 

That's not to say that everything the MM has told you about those conversations are a lie, but he is putting his own spin on it so that you blame his wife instead of blaming him. When he is at home he is probably telling the BW similar things about you. He is the one being nasty and manipulative. Trying to get you pregnant as he's leaving you to go back to his family shows what a self serving ass he is.

[Doublegold]

This thread ended last night with a lot of attacking of one Poster and looks like it is picking back upt right where it left off this am the same....with no real support.

 

This is getting weary I believe the OP has been bruised enough how many times does she have to be lectured?

[William]

This thread reopened. Unfortunately not everyone will be able to rejoin the conversation. Please accept my apologies for all the well thought out replies that were lost in the clean-up. ~Thank you

[goodyblue]

I am just sorry you are hurting, OP. Feel better and take care of you.

[whichwayisup]

Oh no please dont misunderstand, I will not have a baby, no way... he ***** inside me , knowing he wasn't supposed to. Why do that to me, the day you're leaving? Then he tells me he hopes I am pregnant so he could be with me forever. .. he can choose to be with me, he didn't have to do that.

 

Because he's an idiot, that's why. He only cares about himself. Look at the damage he's caused all around him! Everybody is hurting because he isn't honest! He can't communicate properly. He is only thinking of himself and who cares who gets hurt along the way.

 

Farrah, I hope you're angry enough and are hurt enough to walk away. His family is a mess thanks to his doing and now he needs to repair the damage he's done. Don't get in the middle of it, focus on letting go and grieving, not hoping he'll come back.

[the_artist_1970]

Oh no please dont misunderstand, I will not have a baby, no way... he ***** inside me , knowing he wasn't supposed to. Why do that to me, the day you're leaving? Then he tells me he hopes I am pregnant so he could be with me forever. .. he can choose to be with me, he didn't have to do that.

 

So, where were you when he ***** inside of you? Were you not a willing participant? You can easily tell him that he cannot touch you until he is "covered" and stick to that. He didn't victimize you, you gave it to him freely unless he raped you which is a whole lot different.

[farrah5451]

Last time he returned after a week, I was done with him. He called sayng, this time he's doing it the right way. They have been talking, he has told her everything about our relationship ... why dont ifeel the way I should? I guess im scared he'll go back...again. so much pressure. Will I always feel like im sharing him? Am I fooling myself? Any OW out there have similar concerns?

[GoldieLox]

I think you're always going to feel like you're sharing him until the ink on the divorce papers are dry... Cause technically, you are. How many times has he left and gone back? It's all about how much you're going to stand for it. If you keep letting him back in every time he leaves and comes back, you're just validating that you're tolerating it and that sends a signal to him that it's okay to do that.

[Darren Steez]

Last time he returned after a week, I was done with him. He called sayng, this time he's doing it the right way. They have been talking, he has told her everything about our relationship ... why dont ifeel the way I should? I guess im scared he'll go back...again. so much pressure. Will I always feel like im sharing him? Am I fooling myself? Any OW out there have similar concerns?

 

Wrong way round. How have you placed yourself in front of his wife? Will I always feel like I'm sharing him...no, it's the other way around Will you always be the third party in their marriage..because there is no you and him. Legally, property wise, kids, history there is a him and her, occasionally he steps outside that to be with you..but there is no equal share.

 

But I think you know this.

[pheonixrisen]

Last time he returned after a week, I was done with him. He called sayng, this time he's doing it the right way. They have been talking, he has told her everything about our relationship ... why dont ifeel the way I should? I guess im scared he'll go back...again. so much pressure. Will I always feel like im sharing him? Am I fooling myself? Any OW out there have similar concerns?

 

Farrah ...I would advice you don't take him back or entertain him till he is divorced ...or he will be playing you and his wife like a fiddle...

[anika99]

Well it's good if he's finally being honest with his wife. You say the MM and his wife have been talking. Is his wife on the same page as him in regards to getting divorced? He says he is doing it the right way now. What is his plan?