Trishern Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 Hi everyone, I'm after your opinions on something. My wife is upset about the fact that my XGF contacts me on an irregular basis about every 5-6 months. Some background [COLOR=#000000][FONT=HelveticaNeue, Helvetica Neue, Helvetica, Arial, Lucida Grande, sans-serif]I [/FONT]dated my XGF for over 6 years and we got on well, but we broke up shortly before I met my wife. My wife and I have [/COLOR][FONT=HelveticaNeue, Helvetica Neue, Helvetica, Arial, Lucida Grande, sans-serif][COLOR=#000000]been together 18 years and married 16 years with 2 kids. Early in our marriage we had some problems and things were a bit difficult for us at times. There was an incident were my xGF sent a comic email to an email forum and I replied (just to her) with a joke comment that my wife saw and deemed inappropriate and this upset her very much. I discussed personal problems within our marriage with my XGF and I told my wife this. She was not very happy and said it was inappropriate to discuss with an EX but I had no one else to talk to about such matters ( my wife had her sisters who she is very close to).[/COLOR][/FONT] Things are much improved in our marriage now and we are generally happy with life. Fast forward 11/12 years and my wife wants me to cut all contact with this EX. She says it has been on her mind all these years and it is bothering her. I never initiate contact with her ( she always texts first, and like I mentioned, very infrequently) and I told my wife this, but my wife wants me to block her number and have total NC. There is nothing intimate or personal about our conversations any more and it is just occasional general discussion (sometimes I.T. Support!) My wife views this as me having maintained contact with my X throughout our marriage and says to her that it's not appropriate. She doesn't want this to continue. I think my wife is being unreasonable because I feel the contact is minimal, non romantic and always remote, and asking me to block her number is like calling her a stalker, which is clearly not the case (a text twice a year at most)! My wife has no contact with any of her XBFs, so she can't understand why I have any contact my X (no matter how small), who I see as a friend. What are your views? Is my wife right? Is she being unreasonable? Should I block my ex's number? Thanks in advance Link to post Share on other sites
redtail Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 My wife views this as me having maintained contact with my X throughout our marriage and says to her that it's not appropriate. She doesn't want this to continue. I'd value my wife's request more than anybody elses opinion on the matter. I think if you want to be happy, that would be the better choice. 16 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 If you intend to stay married and honor your wife's wishes - you better block all forms of communicating with the OW. It makes your W uneasy. It's cruel to continue knowing it's hurting your marriage. Why is your OW (xGF) considered more important? That's the message you're sending by continuing to stay in contact. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 You should honour her wishes. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 This one's a no brainer. Not only is she an ex, you shared personal things about your marriage with her. Big giant no-no. Cut off contact. 13 Link to post Share on other sites
Jessie1231 Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 I went through the same thing with one of my best guy friends from college. He and I dated for a very short time, it never went anywhere but we stayed in touch through the years. It was the same as yours, maybe two or three messages a year just to catch up. He got married and around two years ago his wife told him that she was uncomfortable with him keeping in touch with me. He sent me an email and explained that while he would always consider me a good friend, he couldn't contact me anymore because given the choice between a friend and his wife, he will always choose his wife. That was that. Given the tiny amount of contact he and I had anyway, it wasn't a huge deal and I completely understand why he needed to do that. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppyolive Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 Agree with above posters. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Vercetti Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 If there is nothing personal or intimate about the interaction, what's the point of stressing your wife out with a inane non-entity that's only tie is you used to screw her a decade+ ago. It's a ex for a reason. If wouldn't interact with her in front of wife then shouldn't period. Infrequent and she contacts you is just thin justification. How she have your contact information to drop a random line anyway? Is talking about current relationship issues with an EX healthy in the least. The little things kill. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 If there is nothing personal or intimate about the interaction, what's the point of stressing your wife out with a inane non-entity that's only tie is you used to screw her a decade+ ago. Agreed. OP, I'm willing to commit to sending you the occasional "comic email" and "joke comment" so you won't be shorted on your humor quotient. Unless there's another reason fro your contact with her ??? Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 dated my XGF for over 6 years and we got on well, but we broke up shortly before I met my wife. ............... Early in our marriage we had some problems and things were a bit difficult for us at times. There was an incident were my xGF sent...........that my wife saw and deemed inappropriate and this upset her very much. I discussed personal problems within our marriage with my XGF ............ She was not very happy and said it was inappropriate to discuss with an EX ...............but I had no one else to talk to about such matters You had what is known as an EA, emotional affair with the XGF. You should of not have been airing you and your wife's laundry with your AP/XGF. my wife wants me to cut all contact with this EX. She says it has been on her mind all these years and it is bothering her........... my wife wants me to block her number and have total NC. It is fair and right for you to go NC with the woman that you had an EA with. My wife views this as me having maintained contact with my X throughout our marriage and says to her that it's not appropriate. She doesn't want this to continue. Your wife is right for this to not continue. A good husband puts his wife in front of his friends. wife has no contact with any of her XBFs, Because your wife knows that it would be wrong for her to do so. Is my wife right? Is she being unreasonable? Should I block my ex's number? Your wife is right as rain. You're the one being unreasonable. Hell yes block that number. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 My two cents - Any time you share intimate information (problems) on your marriage with a member of the opposite sex- especially with an xGF you have crossed the line in a marriage. I am not going to say cheating, or EA, because I dont know the nature of the conversation, but yes cut it off. I would send a nice but clear NC email to your ex. Thank her for her friendship, but that you simply regret talking about your marriage problems, it was your fault (not ex GF). You deeply love and honor your marriage and wife, will need to end emails, and hope she respects this, and wish her well. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 I'm on your wife's side. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 I discussed personal problems within our marriage with my XGF and I told my wife this. She was not very happy and said it was inappropriate to discuss with an EX but I had no one else to talk to about such matters ( my wife had her sisters who she is very close to) So you have NO guy friends to talk to? Opening up about marital issues with another woman, let alone your ex, is wrong and inappropriate. She has every right to be upset about this. How would you feel if your wife was talking to her ex about you? Have you ever introduced your exgf to your wife? Have her over and show your wife there's nothing to be concerned about? Any guy friends I have, my husband knows and is also friends with. Why are you choosing a friendship with your ex over your wife and marriage? Does the ex say nasty stuff about your wife? Give you advice that isn't helpful? Does she have your best interest at heart or is she hoping to sneak in there and get in between you and your wife? End the friendship, just tell her that you wouldn't like it if your wife was close to another man (ex) and you want to respect her wishes because you love her and care about what she is feeling. Your obligation is to your wife, not your ex. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Lion Heart Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 Your W is completely right and correct. It amazes me that you needed to post a thread like this to answer a no brainer. What intrigues me is "Why WOULDN'T you be 100% fine with cutting EX GF OFF completely?" The answer is BECAUSE you are attached in an inappropriate way. No attachment = "meh no problem. I'll do that. Crikeys she means nothing to me" Attachment = CONTINUING a relationship with ex GF regardless of how your WIFE feels about it. Trying to JUSTIFY it's "nothing" (gas - lighting) and then POSTING a thread for more justifications? Woah. Man whatever need this exgf is filling, so much so that you WANT TO CONTINUE it regardless of how your W feels, you could do well to find out. Talk to your male friends, sister, cousin. NOT an exgf. BECAUSE you discussed intimate details of your M and exgf merely forwarded a joke email? THIS is why it was and has been an EA all along. The joke may have been inappropriate but the relationship YOU pursued subsequently WAS inappropriate. Lion Heart. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 "Forsaking all others." 3 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 (edited) I think my wife is being unreasonable because I feel the contact is minimal, non romantic and always remote, and asking me to block her number is like calling her a stalker, which is clearly not the case (a text twice a year at most)! then cutting her off completely & blocking her number won't really make any difference. why is this person still important to you if you keep minimal contact and text only a couple of times in a year? are you ready to piss of your W & make her unhappy just so your X wouldn't be considered a stalker? blocking someone's number is not considering them a stalker - it's simply cutting someone off, someone you don't need and who's irrelevant to you and your life. Edited March 29, 2015 by minimariah Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 Are you trying to keep your ex on the side for an affair in the future? No, I know the answer - it's "no". And then a few years down the road your ex is having such a troubled life in her relationship and maybe you two should meet up and spend some friend time together... Whoops. "It was an accident, a little mistake". You should think really hard about a divorce, you've never let go of your ex completely. You should have never married in the first place only to give fake-vows, even if you weren't aware of it then. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Trishern Posted March 31, 2015 Author Share Posted March 31, 2015 Thank you all for the responses. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Thank you all for the responses. Thanks for what? Did you go NC with the ex? Did you apologize to the wife? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
pheonixrisen Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Hi everyone, I'm after your opinions on something. My wife is upset about the fact that my XGF contacts me on an irregular basis about every 5-6 months. Some background [COLOR=#000000][FONT=HelveticaNeue, Helvetica Neue, Helvetica, Arial, Lucida Grande, sans-serif]I [/FONT]dated my XGF for over 6 years and we got on well, but we broke up shortly before I met my wife. My wife and I have [/COLOR][FONT=HelveticaNeue, Helvetica Neue, Helvetica, Arial, Lucida Grande, sans-serif][COLOR=#000000]been together 18 years and married 16 years with 2 kids. Early in our marriage we had some problems and things were a bit difficult for us at times. There was an incident were my xGF sent a comic email to an email forum and I replied (just to her) with a joke comment that my wife saw and deemed inappropriate and this upset her very much. I discussed personal problems within our marriage with my XGF and I told my wife this. She was not very happy and said it was inappropriate to discuss with an EX but I had no one else to talk to about such matters ( my wife had her sisters who she is very close to).[/COLOR][/FONT] Things are much improved in our marriage now and we are generally happy with life. Fast forward 11/12 years and my wife wants me to cut all contact with this EX. She says it has been on her mind all these years and it is bothering her. I never initiate contact with her ( she always texts first, and like I mentioned, very infrequently) and I told my wife this, but my wife wants me to block her number and have total NC. There is nothing intimate or personal about our conversations any more and it is just occasional general discussion (sometimes I.T. Support!) My wife views this as me having maintained contact with my X throughout our marriage and says to her that it's not appropriate. She doesn't want this to continue. I think my wife is being unreasonable because I feel the contact is minimal, non romantic and always remote, and asking me to block her number is like calling her a stalker, which is clearly not the case (a text twice a year at most)! My wife has no contact with any of her XBFs, so she can't understand why I have any contact my X (no matter how small), who I see as a friend. What are your views? Is my wife right? Is she being unreasonable? Should I block my ex's number? Thanks in advance IF my h was in contact with an ex and discussing intimate details of my marriage with her I would see that as betrayal . Your w has probably developed a lot of resentment already towards this over a decade ...These are not things that she should be asking for ...It does not matter who initiates contact ...There should be No contact ... Go No contact and respect your wife feeling about this over an ex...and do apologise for keeping in touch and discussing your marriage with her and for failing to see how uncomfortable you made her with this... Link to post Share on other sites
kayla73 Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Even though you may not agree with her views, she is your wife. Is it really that much of a loss if you never communicate with your ex ever again? I'm sure the greater loss would be having an unhappy wife. Cut the ties. She isn't being unreasonable, her feelings are natural. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MyEvilTwin Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 Is this a tit for tat for her friendship with that male colleague? These two are linked now, they should really be part of the same thread. You can't separate them, the situation with your wife, and the situation with this ex, because they've been joined by the argument, yes? Link to post Share on other sites
Clockwork Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 Quick question. Do you have kids with your ex? If the answer is no that just basically answers your question. You are with your wife 18 years and your ex will still contact you? How can you not see that as inappropriate? No, your wife is not being unreasonable. How can you build trust and maintain it this way? The answer is simple and like others have said your wife's opinion matters the most. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Pinkdisney Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 then cutting her off completely & blocking her number won't really make any difference. why is this person still important to you if you keep minimal contact and text only a couple of times in a year? I agree. You have to be getting something out of this in order to go against the wishes of your wife on something that seems fairly reasonable. Why does your ex-gf feel the need to keep checking up on you every 6 months for the past 11+ years when she knows you're married? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Trishern Posted April 9, 2015 Author Share Posted April 9, 2015 Hello all and thanks for the replying to my husband's post. My dear husband now realises that this contact (which has now ceased) isn't helpful for our marriage and was extremely upsetting for me. Pretty much all of your posts described how I felt about it and how it's been gnawing away on and off over the last decade. Thanks again Link to post Share on other sites
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