Can I get her back?

[peter1101]

So recently my girlfriend of 3 and a half years broke up with me. We started dating at the beginning of college and I waited the whole first year to be her first. I was happier than ever and so was she. Over this past year however i started to take some things for granted. I stopped showing her how much i cared about her and it caused her to become more clingy. She began trying to get my attention all the time and she always wanted to be with me. It was a little suffocating but it was nothing to turn me away. It did however cause me to lose some of that desire to be everything for her since she was always doing things for me. About a month ago she brought up the idea of living together and I told her i didnt know if i was ready for that. So two weeks ago she broke it off, i could tell that she didn't want to do it but felt she had to, and i believe it was the right decision in order for me to change. Two days later I began to feel very bad, I wanted to change and be the best boyfriend i could be. I called her and texted her constantly, begging for forgiveness. I wrote her a letter, brought her flowers, and did everything i could to promise I would be the best I could be for her. It seems as though when i accepted guilt for not giving her what she deserved, she took it and ran with it. She made it sound like i was horrible to her and I hurt her for so long. She was head over heels for me for 3 and a half years and all of a sudden nothing. Its almost like shes a new person. She has been going out with new friends, her values are different, she now says she doesnt even know what she wants in life. She wanted to share a life with me and all of a sudden she is saying she needs time and space to figure out what she wants and needs. Sometimes she doesnt answer me and it kills me. I didn't want to go no contact because it seems as though thats how i got into this mess, by not giving her enough attention. But what i do know is that me begging and pleading has caused her to have all the power and now she wants to go out and do other things. She still wants to talk on a regular basis and said i could try to earn her trust back through action, but every idea i propose to slowly try again she shuts down. So i think she actually just wants to keep me here in case the grass is not greener on the other side. I want her back but i don't know what to do in this situation. Should i just leave it alone completely, or try and talk to her after a few weeks? I know she still cares about me but she is afraid that if we get back together we will slip into that same kind of relationship again. I have said everything a man can say, including living with her. I told her the most sincere things from the bottom of my heart but its almost too little too late. In the process i traded in all of my dignity and self respect as well. What do you think is the best course of action here?

[OneBigIdgit]

The 2 of you have built many memories. Good ones and

bad ones. If you'll do No Contact the good memories will

become more fixed in her mind. It might help her start to

miss you. At her age though, she is just figuring out who

she is and that is shaky ground for you

[peter1101]

I'm 2 days into no contact and my gut tells me she will reach out eventually, but at the same time i have this feeling that a lot of her friends have been fueling that fire to cut me out of her life. I feel like im fighting against 10 girls who have probably been screwed over really bad and don't understand our relationship, however they think their advice applies to her. She kept talking about us both just growing more and working on ourselves and maybe it will work out in the future but i know that if I let go of this thing its probably not going to magically come back together. Its been a real wake up call showing me that i did actually want all the same things in life, I was just afraid to make any major decisions. Will talking to new girls be good or bad If i still want her back?

[Mrlonelyone]

You are right to note that a girls friends have a great influence over who she will date. In fact many college age women are controlled by that to an unhealthy degree. They are the ones who get hitched to a guy almost fresh out of college and who end up divorced by 30 and swear they don't know why they married the guy. Peer pressure.

 

The wise thing to do is to recognize this has ran its course and move on. There is a woman for you but you can't find her while stuck on an old relationship.

[peter1101]

Well i dont think it truly has ran its course. I was told from her friend that she does love me, and she wants to make a life with me.. at least thats what she told her over dinner a few weeks ago. However at the time i was scared to make any major decisions, this breakup has brought more clarity to the situation. I do want all of those things with her but i have to find a way to show her how committed I am. Her friend says shes afraid she'll stay with me for too long and i'll never want to make progress in the relationship... move in together, marriage etc. I do want these things now but she doesn't believe I am capable of that change. What could i do to show her that I am fully committed and want to share my life with her? Im not sure proposing is the best idea right now. Also, telling her with words just wont cut it either. Any ideas?

[Ruby65]

I'm not sure there's anything you can say or do at this point to convince her. As you say, you've tried everything.

 

I'm afraid there isn't a quick or easy fix -- although I wouldn't say it's unfixable, not the way I see it anyway.

 

The hardest thing about it is what you really need to do next is completely counter-intuitive..... is to do NOTHING. Just disappear, walk away, and let her work out whatever it is she needs to work out ON HER OWN.

 

I think I can relate to what she might be going through -- I had a similar push/pull breakup at her age. I was leaving school and wanted to move in or get married with my then-boyfriend, but he didn't feel ready to commit.

 

But we were very young and in truth I wasn't really ready to commit to spending the rest of my life with just one person either. So I was pushing him, giving him ultimatums, knowing he'd say no -- then I used that as an excuse to break up with him.

 

Deep down, I needed time to experience life without him before I could really commit to a lifetime with just him.

 

I can tell you a few things, based on my experience...

 

First, don't listen to what her friends say. Not only is she probably ramping up the drama for their benefit, but in turn they're likely ramping it up for yours. You're hearing fourth-hand what her thoughts and feelings *might* or *might not* be. Walk away from this dynamic of having go-betweens completely.

 

Second, go No Contact. FULL No Contact. That includes all online and phone apps and sites.... that includes mutual friends. Cut everyone off, go underground, disappear.

 

Third, you're both very young. It's very very rare that people will be together forever with their first relationship. If you are going to end up together, it's likely going to be after she's had some time to date other people and experience life as a single adult female -- which she's likely never done before.

 

Go No Contact, throw yourself into healing and moving forward. IF you're really meant to be together, she'll come back to you. But you have to give her the space to experience what life is like without you in it.

 

Not to get your hopes up, but I did end up going back to my college boyfriend after about a year of total No Contact, of living my own life and dating other people. We were married and stayed together for many, many years -- so in my case, anyway, it was a happy ending.

 

Check out the No Contact Guide on this site. Here's a guide that will help you as well: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com