Is there such a thing as Long-term Monogamous Affair?

[SummerMints]

Hi all,

 

First time posting, am a bit nervous but really would appreciate your feedback.

 

I'm married and mother of 3 preschool children. i work part time as a professional health care provider, live in a nice house in a nice suburb with the white picket fence. I've always thought I was happy.. until I met the OM.

 

He also has 3 older children, was in an unhappy relationship with his de facto partner whom he says is emotionally manipulative. He's never been with anyone else. We are in the same club.. eventually discovered that we have similar interests and tastes, and we remained friends first for almost 2 years before we mutually developed something more and contemplated getting intimate physically. Then it gathered momentum FAST.

 

Two months after we talked about crossing the line he left his partner. That was a HUGE shock... i didn't see it coming and he told me he did it for himself, that the relationship was doomed for a long time. But still. Then we started getting physical and it's become like an addiction. No one else has any idea at all. It certainly sounds cliche but because of our shared interest (same club) and taste in books etc and the fact that this is forbidden the times together are absolutely magical and incomparable.

 

We have tried NC 3 times... failed 3 times. He tried online dating to meet "my replacement", he calls it, ended up having a very short fling with a woman and currently we are still seeing each other occasionally.

 

I am insanely jealous at the thought of him doing online dating to find others... but i shouldn't be... we talked about long term monogamous affair where we only see each other twice or three times a year even if he's in a relationship... could that work?

[Hope Shimmers]

Welcome to LS.

 

Can I ask what you (or he) would get out of meeting only 2-3 times a year? Are you talking about having an emotional affair besides that (with regular contact and interaction and not just physical?)

 

You have made a choice (I'm assuming) that you are going to stay in your marriage. He, on the other hand, is free to find a relationship. I would guess that, however he feels now, if and when he finds someone he cares about enough to be in a relationship with, he won't want or need the emotional and physical connection with you. I know that is probably hard to hear, but that is likely what will happen. He will indeed 'replace' you in those roles.

[purplesorrow]

Hi all,

 

First time posting, am a bit nervous but really would appreciate your feedback.

 

I'm married and mother of 3 preschool children. i work part time as a professional health care provider, live in a nice house in a nice suburb with the white picket fence. I've always thought I was happy.. until I met the OM.

 

He also has 3 older children, was in an unhappy relationship with his de facto partner whom he says is emotionally manipulative. He's never been with anyone else. We are in the same club.. eventually discovered that we have similar interests and tastes, and we remained friends first for almost 2 years before we mutually developed something more and contemplated getting intimate physically. Then it gathered momentum FAST.

 

Two months after we talked about crossing the line he left his partner. That was a HUGE shock... i didn't see it coming and he told me he did it for himself, that the relationship was doomed for a long time. But still. Then we started getting physical and it's become like an addiction. No one else has any idea at all. It certainly sounds cliche but because of our shared interest (same club) and taste in books etc and the fact that this is forbidden the times together are absolutely magical and incomparable.

 

We have tried NC 3 times... failed 3 times. He tried online dating to meet "my replacement", he calls it, ended up having a very short fling with a woman and currently we are still seeing each other occasionally.

 

I am insanely jealous at the thought of him doing online dating to find others... but i shouldn't be... we talked about long term monogamous affair where we only see each other twice or three times a year even if he's in a relationship... could that work?

 

Any scenario will work until you get caught.

[SummerMints]

What I plan to get get out from meeting a few times a year.. Is to keep the fantasy alive. A cheesy romantic fantasy like in that old movie Same time Next Year. Also our physical connection is hard to give up. (He's only been with two other women, I four others.. And there's sadly no comparison.)

 

Initially (and occasionally even now) we talked nonsense such as If I left my husband or If only we met earlier. But now we don't.. Because I will not leave my husband or my three children. Honestly if I were single, we would choose to be with each other in a heartbeat.

 

I don't want to do NC.. I see him at our weekly club meetings (it's an orchestra and I love playing in it and don't want to give that up). However am I going to be able to cope with him with a new woman? Or women? When they start appearing together?

[DKT3]

Why not offer your husband the same deal, where he could meet up with another women several times a year for sex. If you got him to agree then it would work out great.

[SummerMints]

DKT3:

I know the deal. I know I'm that despicable CS who wants the cake and more. My husband is a wonderful man who loves our children more than he loves me. I found attention and affection in the OM and he honestly makes me feel alive and full of life. However I will not leave my children or my husband, at least not now, and I cannot predict what will happen say in ten years time- if I will be even more selfish than I already am right now.

[SummerMints]

And what scares me a lot is... I wouldn't even feel that hurt if I find my husband is cheating on me--although he never will--Possibly because currently I am not romantically in love with him anymore.

[Hope Shimmers]

DKT3:

I know the deal. I know I'm that despicable CS who wants the cake and more. My husband is a wonderful man who loves our children more than he loves me. I found attention and affection in the OM and he honestly makes me feel alive and full of life. However I will not leave my children or my husband, at least not now, and I cannot predict what will happen say in ten years time- if I will be even more selfish than I already am right now.

 

It's hard to argue with DKT3's logic. He's right.

 

Your post (the second one) had a lot of "I's" in it. Just sayin'....

 

I would never say never regarding your husband having an affair. He might say the same about you?

 

You do have to have somewhat thick skin to post here, where there are a lot of betrayed spouses and 'other women' who also got kicked to the curb. Affairs are ultimately painful for everyone involved. So tread at your own risk, and at least think about trying another method of getting your needs met.

[lana-banana]

He may have had a joking tone when he said he was searching for your replacement, but he ultimately wasn't kidding. If he meets someone he truly cares for he's not going to need you as a romantic interest.

 

You are the one with everything to lose here, not him. Think carefully.

[awkward]

And what scares me a lot is... I wouldn't even feel that hurt if I find my husband is cheating on me--although he never will--Possibly because currently I am not romantically in love with him anymore.

 

Why don't you discuss an open marriage with your husband? Maybe that would work for both of you.

 

I do think you are going to have a hard time when he finds your replacement. It is inevitable though.

[Cinnimon]

By monogamous, do you mean you will not be having sex with your husband?

[Red123]

And what scares me a lot is... I wouldn't even feel that hurt if I find my husband is cheating on me--although he never will--Possibly because currently I am not romantically in love with him anymore.

 

I think you may feel different if it happens. You speak highly of your husband and if you found him cheating believe me, everything you currently know about him would be in question.

[jbrent890]

Multiple things stood out to me from your post. First, this is really coming off as one of those your husband ain't as bad as you are making him out to be kind of things. One thing that I have noticed is that in order for some Waywards to engage in an affair, they have to either amplify or find problems in their marriage as a means to cope with the guilt. Just an assumption, but I think that might be the case. Second, I have seen a few WWs say the exact same things you have said about not caring if their husbands were having affairs of their own. This idea was quickly crushed when they saw their husbands move on after a divorce or worse, they did have affairs of their own. Lovin (DKT's wife) said something similar in another thread. IMO, the whole point of having a cake eating affair is to have that one up factor on your spouse. That ceases to happen if they are doing the same thing. Lastly, I agree with DKT. If your husband is a wonderful as you say that he is and you intend on leaving him in 10 years time, why not end things now and not risk blowing up your family by getting busted? Have you brought these issues up with your husband?

[loveboid]

I'm not sure I understand. Your husband puts your kids before you and makes more than you. So you want affection from someone else and are staying for money?

 

Your best bet is to just divorce. What on earth would new guy risk his future relationship on you for? He isn't in your situation. He could meet the love of his life and have no interest in anyone else.

 

Were you hoping that he gets into a loveless relationship, trapped by obligations, so he'll stay with her but get affection from you? Come on. Have a little hope for the guy, if not for yourself.

 

Here's what you do: When he starts dating, be happy for him.

[Artie Lang]

you never answered the question point blank- why not give your husband the same opportunity?

 

 

you seem to be telling us that you're ok with stringing your husband along for the next 10 years while you sow your "wild oats" and decide what's next.

 

 

what's the endgame here?

[Lurkeraspect]

You really come off (to me anyway) as self entitled and self absorbed and actually remind me of another (male) poster here. I agree with the others who have suggested that you discuss the possibility of an open marriage with your spouse. I'm guessing he'd enjoy the perks of that sort of deal. It's probably obvious to him that you have no romantic feelings for him, and are using him for whatever he does provide. Sounds like a win win to me.

[loveboid]

you never answered the question point blank- why not give your husband the same opportunity

 

I'm guessing it's because your husband is the breadwinner and he could fall in love with someone else, leave and take his income with him. Would that be right? It would be okay if he cheated and stayed in the marriage though but you don't want to risk it?

 

So this new guy...does he make less than your husband? I'm not understanding. If you were single you would be together, but since you're married you won't get a divorce? Is this another way of saying if you were less well off financially you would be with this guy?

[SummerMints]

Thank you all for your comments. I mean that in the most sincere way.

I'm staying because: I do love my husband. He is completely faultless. He has not changed since we met; I have. No, it's not about money in the least. (I have skills to support myself, if a separation does happen.) And yes, it's almost all about my kids: I wont leave because of what will happen to my children and extended family.

 

And: There's no way my husband will be ok with an open marriage or variations of it. I'm not cheating on purpose or to get back or for any reason. It was completely unplanned.

 

You are right: I should be happy for the OM and I do tell him I hope that he finds the right woman soon. I say it but in my heart I'm very conflicted.

 

I know the right thing to do is to cut this off. But.

 

I don't have an end game in mind.

[SummerMints]

No. My husband has no idea that I'm not really romantically in love with him. Like most women, I'm very good at pretending.

 

And no, money is most definitely not an issue here. Like I said I'm a healthcare provider and so a high-earner.

 

Yes I am a vey self absorbed and selfish sort of person- what other kind of person would cheat?

[loveboid]

You won't divorce because you're afraid of not being loved? It's not money as you say. Your children will love you if you're good to them, has nothing to do with your marital status.

 

This is just a big waste of precious time for your husband and yourself. You each could have a great romance.

[DKT3]

Thank you all for your comments. I mean that in the most sincere way.

I'm staying because: I do love my husband. He is completely faultless. He has not changed since we met; I have. No, it's not about money in the least. (I have skills to support myself, if a separation does happen.) And yes, it's almost all about my kids: I wont leave because of what will happen to my children and extended family.

 

And: There's no way my husband will be ok with an open marriage or variations of it. I'm not cheating on purpose or to get back or for any reason. It was completely unplanned.

 

You are right: I should be happy for the OM and I do tell him I hope that he finds the right woman soon. I say it but in my heart I'm very conflicted.

 

I know the right thing to do is to cut this off. But.

 

I don't have an end game in mind.

 

Your posts are totally irrational which I've found is not uncommon. You say you don't like the implication of breaking up the family yet to continue to do this that will do just that.

 

Also how do you have an unplanned affair? Maybe a ONS but affairs take a great deal of planning, maybe a little less now that MM left his wife.

 

When did you stop being in love with your husband? My guess would be right around the time you started to connect with MM. However, I've been around this stuff long enough to know you will say it was long before MM was in the picture. Likely not true, but its a way to feel less like the bad guy in this situation.

[DKT3]

No. My husband has no idea that I'm not really romantically in love with him. Like most women, I'm very good at pretending.

 

And no, money is most definitely not an issue here. Like I said I'm a healthcare provider and so a high-earner.

 

Yes I am a vey self absorbed and selfish sort of person- what other kind of person would cheat?

 

 

Haha, women aren't as great as pretending as many would like to think. The advantage there is most men simply don't want to deal with emotional stuff, doesn't mean they don't notice.

[SummerMints]

You won't divorce because you're afraid of not being loved? It's not money as you say. Your children will love you if you're good to them, has nothing to do with your marital status.

 

This is just a big waste of precious time for your husband and yourself. You each could have a great romance.

 

Yes it is a waste of time. And we are not teenagers anymore. But having seen the battles the OM faces going through his separation and how his children HATE him... I'm most definitely scared for mine. We are adults with family ties.

[DKT3]

Yes it is a waste of time. And we are not teenagers anymore. But having seen the battles the OM faces going through his separation and how his children HATE him... I'm most definitely scared for mine. We are adults with family ties.

 

Yet the impact isn't enough to stop?

[awkward]

Can you explain why you prefer to stay married to someone you don't romantically love and risking losing someone you really do love? So many people with kids divorce. While not ideal, they survive.

 

I am just really trying to wrap my brain around why so many choose to have OW/OM, profess their love for them but really have no intention of having anything other than an affair with them? I am not being rude. I am genuinely curious.

 

Also, if you don't mind. Can you explain what it means to love your husband but not romantically love him? This is commonly said by MM/MW. What does that mean? When did you stop romantically loving him? I often wonder if what people really mean is that they no longer have the butterflies, the infatuation they had when they first got together. That really isn't sustainable in any real relationship long term. The affair brings passion, the thrill of hiding, fear of discovery. Things you aren't going to get in a relationship with your husband. Is this completely off base?

 

Do you want to try to repair your marriage. My advice is to seek independent counseling.