Not Feeling Appreciated

[ImASensitiveGuy]

Quick rundown: 20 yr old male / 20 yr old female in a serious relationship, both in college (2 hrs apart), 5 year anniversary is coming up in April, and I plan on proposing to her this summer.

 

My problem: I'm not feeling appreciated.

 

We both have difficult majors (mine actuarial science, hers nursing), but I make time for her, make sure to be there for her when she needs me, send her gifts to remind her how much I love her, text her in the morning and night (throughout the day only if she can), I've recently been sending longer texts giving her specific reasons why I love her or why she is the best, I send her sexy snaps (I'm very fit), I keep a list of reminders for her and message her when things are due or when she has to call her work, and possibly a few more. I just wanted to give you a gist of what I do for her.

 

She, on the other hand, doesn't quite understand my major and I don't know if she takes it seriously. She has a clinical once a week, works as a waitress on the weekends, and has class the rest of the week. She is always studying or in class (as am I), and I respect her dedication.

 

But she doesn't always make time for me - it's usually how best I fit around her busy schedule. She's not always there and is preoccupied most of the time. She'll reply to my morning texts and usually texts throughout the day but hours in-between. She's never been good with getting emotion across, but has gotten better in the past year and a half or so.

 

A big realization is that she doesn't seem to appreciate the sexy pics I send her, or at least doesn't relay her thoughts to me. Like just tonight, I sent her a shirtless pic with a skinny tie and she very blandly texted back saying "You look like a stripper" but nothing else, and then promptly went to sleep. Understandably, she just got off her serving shift and was exhausted, but it's like this most of the time (sometimes I'll get a nicer reaction, if any at all).

 

 

To keep myself from coming across as a ranter, I'll get to the point: I don't feel appreciated. Based upon all I do, the cute gestures and thoughtfulness I give her, it seems to be that she receives and only that. There's little to no reciprocation, and while I understand she most certainly is stressed and tired from school and work, I am too, and yet I still manage to do all this.

 

I'm far from perfect, I'm a sensitive guy, but I am very good at keeping my feelings and my thoughts to myself. For example, I'm depressed and have been working with someone (like a sponsor) since October, but haven't told her yet as I haven't figured out how, or when, or what I'll do after I tell her.

 

I release through working out and meditation / yoga, and that's really my way of staying calm. She exercises on a regular basis as well, and she's in great shape (I make an effort to compliment her every chance I get).

 

But all of this hit me when I thought about our sex life, and how I worship the paradise between her legs, yet she shies away from going down on me. It got me thinking about the whole giving/receiving aspect of our relationship, and how I literally give her my all, and now have realized that she might not be really giving any of hers - just receiving.

 

She's not a selfish or self-centered person, far from it. I just don't understand any of this.

 

TL;DR Girlfriend of 5 years, whom I plan to propose to, is more of a receiver than a giver in both the romantic and sexual sense, and I don't know how I can get her to work on this. We've talked about priorities before, and how I've felt at the bottom of her list, but she only improved for a month or so.

[kendahke]

In 5 years time, you're just now learning that you and she approach life and love differently? How you do things doesn't mean that she has to approach it the exact same way.

 

She is who she is. You are who you are. It might just be that you two have grown away from each other. Who you both were at 15 is not who you both are at 20.

 

If I was you, I'd put the brakes on your plans to propose to her. That's not going to fix anything. You need to figure out if you can accept her for who she is right now and not complain about it, but be happy and content that you have this particular girl--because nothing is guaranteed. There is no guarantee that you complaining about how she esteems you is going to create a lasting change in her. She may change long enough to shut you up, but then revert back to being the only person she can be: herself.

 

If you require more from your woman in the bed, then it looks like she's not the one at this point in time. You can either waste more of your youth behind her or find someone else who is what you require in bed.

[ImASensitiveGuy]

I have known about our different approaches to life and love since we met. For me, it's not the issue of her approach being the same as mine, but the fact that she really doesn't have any approach at all (or at least most of the time she does not).

 

I'm just looking for ways to approach this myself without necessarily having to confront her or demand a change in her. I feel like that will get us nowhere because inherently, change for people is nearly impossible in the long run.

 

I love this woman and I do want to marry her, despite all the things that would make one think otherwise, because nobody is perfect. I just want to learn how to live with those imperfections that she has.

[Satu]

*I just want to learn how to live with those imperfections that she has.

 

*What imperfections?

 

She's just being herself, and behaving in the way that comes natural to her.

[ImASensitiveGuy]

*What imperfections?

 

She's just being herself, and behaving in the way that comes natural to her.

 

I mean yes that is a politically correct statement. But you can't argue imperfection doesn't exist, that's just silly. Sure I accept her for who she is, and she accepts me, but we don't deny not being perfect.

 

I love her very much and did not mean to sound negative in any way.

[ExpatInItaly]

I mean yes that is a politically correct statement. But you can't argue imperfection doesn't exist, that's just silly. Sure I accept her for who she is, and she accepts me, but we don't deny not being perfect.

 

I love her very much and did not mean to sound negative in any way.

 

Before you go any further, has she indicated that she would also like to marry you?

[kendahke]

Satu stated it perfectly---"What imperfections" As compared to whose perfect behavior?

 

By now, you should understand how she is.

 

You want her to give you head and she's not keen on doing that. You want her to drop what she's doing to make time for you. So, yes, you're trying to find a way to change her into a girl who will give you head and slack off in one area of her life to pay attention to you. There really is no way to make her do what she doesn't already want to do of her own volition without you making a stink about it, which will further alienate her.

 

How she is conducting her life is not about her being imperfect: it's about incompatibility and forcing a fit. If you want to learn to live with it, I would suggest standing down on these issues until she's done with school and has the time to focus on you. Even then, she still may not come around on the head thing. Are you fine with marrying someone who may never, ever change on this topic? "Til death do you part" is a really, really, REALLY long time to go without something you want, especially when you're only 20 years old.

[TMichaels]

I keep a list of reminders for her and message her when things are due or when she has to call her work, and possibly a few more.

 

Are you sure you're not her mother?

 

It's nice you're so "thoughtful" but even though she's young, she's not a child. She's in college for chrissakes; she ought to be able to deal with her own responsibilities and schedules.

 

I have to be honest, your post makes you sound like you're clingy, needy, controlling, and (s)mothering her to death.

 

If I were her, I wouldn't be in a hurry to get back to you either. Ignoring what you say/do/want would be one of the only ways *I'd* have any control over the situation and get any space.

 

You need to dial it back and give as much to this relationship as she is. As others have pointed out (and you have said, too) right now, the two of you are not evenly yoked.

 

Maybe it's fixable, maybe it's not, but being more demanding and getting your knickers in a twist when she doesn't "put out" to the same degree you are is not going to bode well for the future of your relationship.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[Satu]

People have the right to be who they are, and we have no right to demand that they change.

[Ophelia27]

To be honest, after a long day of work the last thing I would want is a pic of my boyfriend dressed as a stripper. I would like a good night message and a "how was your day?".

 

Also maybe you are giving her too much attention she doesnt know how to appreciate it anymore. If I were you I would back off a little and let her reach out to you first. Then dont make yourself too available, wait a bit before you reply.

[ImASensitiveGuy]

Before you go any further, has she indicated that she would also like to marry you?

 

Yes. She doesn't know I already have the ring, but she has hinted a lot - to the point of giving me a ring magazine and circling the ones she likes.

 

 

Satu stated it perfectly---"What imperfections" As compared to whose perfect behavior?

 

By now, you should understand how she is.

 

You want her to give you head and she's not keen on doing that. You want her to drop what she's doing to make time for you. So, yes, you're trying to find a way to change her into a girl who will give you head and slack off in one area of her life to pay attention to you. There really is no way to make her do what she doesn't already want to do of her own volition without you making a stink about it, which will further alienate her.

 

How she is conducting her life is not about her being imperfect: it's about incompatibility and forcing a fit. If you want to learn to live with it, I would suggest standing down on these issues until she's done with school and has the time to focus on you. Even then, she still may not come around on the head thing. Are you fine with marrying someone who may never, ever change on this topic? "Til death do you part" is a really, really, REALLY long time to go without something you want, especially when you're only 20 years old.

 

Thanks for this. I think that I have been hyper-analyzing over these little things because in my mind, I see her now as how she will be forever. So toning back my perception would definitely help,

 

Are you sure you're not her mother?

 

It's nice you're so "thoughtful" but even though she's young, she's not a child. She's in college for chrissakes; she ought to be able to deal with her own responsibilities and schedules.

 

I have to be honest, your post makes you sound like you're clingy, needy, controlling, and (s)mothering her to death.

 

If I were her, I wouldn't be in a hurry to get back to you either. Ignoring what you say/do/want would be one of the only ways *I'd* have any control over the situation and get any space.

 

You need to dial it back and give as much to this relationship as she is. As others have pointed out (and you have said, too) right now, the two of you are not evenly yoked.

 

Maybe it's fixable, maybe it's not, but being more demanding and getting your knickers in a twist when she doesn't "put out" to the same degree you are is not going to bode well for the future of your relationship.

 

Best,

TMichaels

 

It's not necessarily being frustrated that she doesn't put out, just the thought that little things like that made me realize she is more of a receiver than a giver, and if that would affect our relationship later on.

 

I'm certainly not her mother - she tells me to remind her about important things on her schedule, and when she forgets to do them, I remind her again several times (because she asks me to).

 

I'm sorry that I came off clingy. I'm usually very hands off, since she is incredibly independent. But recently, a female friend of mine told me that texting her cute messages throughout the day would help our relationship, and being more demanding or straightforward would help in the long run. But if you say this is bad, then I'm stopping it right away.

 

People have the right to be who they are, and we have no right to demand that they change.

 

I agree with this! I am seeking to understand how I can cope or how we can compromise together.

 

 

To be honest, after a long day of work the last thing I would want is a pic of my boyfriend dressed as a stripper. I would like a good night message and a "how was your day?".

 

Also maybe you are giving her too much attention she doesnt know how to appreciate it anymore. If I were you I would back off a little and let her reach out to you first. Then dont make yourself too available, wait a bit before you reply.

 

To be fair, that picture was preceded by a "How was your shift?" And after the picture, it was followed by a "Goodnight". I'm not some dumb GQ boyfriend, I take care of the essentials and then throw in a little extra if I feel like it.

 

I agree with the too much attention part. What just kills me though is how I always hear of couples who are 50:50 with stuff like this, whereas with the two of us it's more like 90:10. This includes things like snapchats, cute messages, etc...

 

-----

For everyone, I apologize for coming off as clingy, smothering, or an ******* - I never intended that. I just needed to speak my mind and hear what you had to say. Which, by the way, was overwhelmingly constructive in my opinion. I've been making myself less available today, although her car did break down and I jumped on that because it was a serious situation which I couldn't ignore. But I feel like making myself less available will put me in the spotlight of her attention eventually.

 

Anything else would be incredibly helpful!

[justwhoiam]

5 year anniversary is coming up in April, and I plan on proposing to her this summer.

You started this relationship when you were 14 or 15. You had the time to know her many sides (romantic, sexual, professional, etc.), and you don't like "what you're seeing". Liking someone for their looks, or for being grown together and sharing a past is not a good reason to get married. Think about that. Then think about it a bit more.

 

I'm not feeling appreciated.

Ok. Project your future based on that statement. How do you see yourself sad and frustrated in your first year of marriage for not being appreciated? Add up the rest that you're not seeing yet (routine, cleaning the house, financial stress), and do you really think that's gonna get better? Get real.

 

I send her sexy snaps (I'm very fit)

[...]

Like just tonight, I sent her a shirtless pic with a skinny tie and she very blandly texted back saying "You look like a stripper" but nothing else, and then promptly went to sleep.

Well, you should be able to tell that you didn't create chemistry with that picture. It didn't have the effect you would have wished. I sense that was not the first time, still you are going on with your sexy pic series.

There are two ways to read that:

1. she's not impressed by your sexy pics or sexy pictures in general

2. you're not on the same page (see: no chemistry), which might be due to a number of causes (bad timing, temporary disconnection, lack of sufficient intimacy, etc.)

 

I tend to think that you might be facing case #2. I say this because I strongly believe that 99.9% of the time, when there's good chemistry, the rest comes naturally, and she will get horny with just anything.

 

So, you think you're being thoughtful and caring, but in reality you're not catching signals promptly, not getting vibes from her, and that is not good in a lover. And if this has been going on for a while, you get the picture of your current situation.

 

A big realization is that she doesn't seem to appreciate the sexy pics I send her

Hello? If you realized that, then why do you keep doing that? Why didn't you change tactic to turn her on? I really don't get it. I can understand your ego, as for most men, needs to have a girlfriend who appreciates your body, but that must be attained in some other way. What works for you or for any guy doesn't necessarily work for a girl, or your girlfriend.

 

Anyway, my last thought about your situation is: everyone has preferences, and if she's not into giving oral sex, there's very little chance she will like it in the future (unless that's linked to bad smell, bad taste, etc). You might have a talk on that, but it's likely that you won't solve anything. She has a right to do what she pleases, and your needs are not going to be met. You're only 20. So even if it sounds silly, think twice before settling for this future.

[Satu]

On my journey, I've learned that loving someone means loving them exactly as they are.

 

It's actually very easy once you've made a commitment to relating to people in that way.

 

If I want to change someone, I've got myself to practice on, lol

[ImASensitiveGuy]

You started this relationship when you were 14 or 15. You had the time to know her many sides (romantic, sexual, professional, etc.), and you don't like "what you're seeing". Liking someone for their looks, or for being grown together and sharing a past is not a good reason to get married. Think about that. Then think about it a bit more.

 

Ok. Project your future based on that statement. How do you see yourself sad and frustrated in your first year of marriage for not being appreciated? Add up the rest that you're not seeing yet (routine, cleaning the house, financial stress), and do you really think that's gonna get better? Get real.

 

 

Well, you should be able to tell that you didn't create chemistry with that picture. It didn't have the effect you would have wished. I sense that was not the first time, still you are going on with your sexy pic series.

There are two ways to read that:

1. she's not impressed by your sexy pics or sexy pictures in general

2. you're not on the same page (see: no chemistry), which might be due to a number of causes (bad timing, temporary disconnection, lack of sufficient intimacy, etc.)

 

I tend to think that you might be facing case #2. I say this because I strongly believe that 99.9% of the time, when there's good chemistry, the rest comes naturally, and she will get horny with just anything.

 

So, you think you're being thoughtful and caring, but in reality you're not catching signals promptly, not getting vibes from her, and that is not good in a lover. And if this has been going on for a while, you get the picture of your current situation.

 

Hello? If you realized that, then why do you keep doing that? Why didn't you change tactic to turn her on? I really don't get it. I can understand your ego, as for most men, needs to have a girlfriend who appreciates your body, but that must be attained in some other way. What works for you or for any guy doesn't necessarily work for a girl, or your girlfriend.

 

Anyway, my last thought about your situation is: everyone has preferences, and if she's not into giving oral sex, there's very little chance she will like it in the future (unless that's linked to bad smell, bad taste, etc). You might have a talk on that, but it's likely that you won't solve anything. She has a right to do what she pleases, and your needs are not going to be met. You're only 20. So even if it sounds silly, think twice before settling for this future.

 

On my phone right now, so I acknowledge all your other points, but the main one I want to reply to is what turns her on. Sexy pics have turned her on in the past, so I'm guessing it's bad timing on my part. But my worry, again, is receiving vs. giving in general.

[ImASensitiveGuy]

On my journey, I've learned that loving someone means loving them exactly as they are.

 

It's actually very easy once you've made a commitment to relating to people in that way.

 

If I want to change someone, I've got myself to practice on, lol

 

Haha I agree. And I most certainly do love her for who she is without a doubt! I'm just worried about the whole giving vs receiving aspect of our relationship.. I don't want her to be complacent or take me for granted. I'm a great catch,

gosh darn it!

[ImASensitiveGuy]

After all these replies, I've taken time to digest everything and think it over, and I have come up with the following conclusion:

 

• Accept the fact that she doesn't give the same way I do
  
• Unconditionally love her for who she is
  
• Make myself less available
  
• Tone back how open I am about my horniness
  
• Work on sexual chemistry rather than force it
  
• Don't expect to receive & disregard the scoreboard
  

 

That list is pretty hard. In the past, I hit almost every one of those points and yet it still landed me here expressing my frustration & concern. I just want to be able to move past this and learn to live with it. I love her and I want to marry her, and no matter how hard it might be for me, she's a great person at heart and I couldn't see myself with anyone better overall.

 

My only concern with the list is that, if I make myself less available and stop smothering her with affection, will she find that affection / availability elsewhere? My father always told me that I needed to keep a woman happy 24/7 otherwise she will find that happiness elsewhere, and that scares the **** out of me.

[justwhoiam]

I just want to be able to move past this and learn to live with it. I love her and I want to marry her, and no matter how hard it might be for me, she's a great person at heart and I couldn't see myself with anyone better overall.

There's no cure for youth.

 

if I make myself less available and stop smothering her with affection, will she find that affection / availability elsewhere?

Who knows what will happen other than you turning into a jerk.

 

My father always told me that I needed to keep a woman happy 24/7 otherwise she will find that happiness elsewhere, and that scares the **** out of me.

Your father knew a thing or two. I think you need to keep a woman in love with you for her not to look elsewhere. There's very little chance a woman sees anyone else as a potential partner when she's already in love. When she stops being in love, anything can happen.

[ImASensitiveGuy]

There's no cure for youth.

 

Who knows what will happen other than you turning into a jerk.

 

Your father knew a thing or two. I think you need to keep a woman in love with you for her not to look elsewhere. There's very little chance a woman sees anyone else as a potential partner when she's already in love. When she stops being in love, anything can happen.

 

I surely hope that I do not turn into a jerk! I was only considering my decreased availability being a good morning text, goodnight text, and then slowly respond to her texts back. Not a decrease in my kindness, only a decrease in my response.

 

And so given she is in love, then me forgetting to text her or not texting her cute messages on a regular basis or decreasing any of that maintenance (or over-doing) won't lead her to grow distant then? That is what I have found to be at the root of my worry.

[elaine567]

I surely hope that I do not turn into a jerk! I was only considering my decreased availability being a good morning text, goodnight text, and then slowly respond to her texts back. Not a decrease in my kindness, only a decrease in my response.

 

And so given she is in love, then me forgetting to text her or not texting her cute messages on a regular basis or decreasing any of that maintenance (or over-doing) won't lead her to grow distant then? That is what I have found to be at the root of my worry.

 

My main worry here is that you are very young, neither of you have started a proper career yet and you want to marry her. Many of these very early relationships die a death at about 5 years, because the couple grow up into different people and the fact neither have really had any other serious relationship starts to matter.

Your apparent sexual incompatibility re oral also concerns me as long term that will start to grate on you.

[ImASensitiveGuy]

My main worry here is that you are very young, neither of you have started a proper career yet and you want to marry her. Many of these very early relationships die a death at about 5 years, because the couple grow up into different people and the fact neither have really had any other serious relationship starts to matter.

Your apparent sexual incompatibility re oral also concerns me as long term that will start to grate on you.

 

To clarify on the whole marriage situation... we wouldn't be getting married for at least another 3-4 years... We are finishing out college, working, and then getting married. I've already started my career and so has she (major-related employment while in study).

 

I'm hoping that it will not grate on me further, as I am taking measures to prevent that. But if it does, it won't be out of spite or hate towards her - just frustration at the fact that I'll most likely never get the opportunity to experience that, while she does on nearly every occasion (I actually enjoy giving it).

[beach]

Why would you need to get married anytime soon? You're so young and you both will change and grow in the next 5-10 years.

 

You may be kind and sensitive while she's selfish and self serving - if you need more than that then break up with her and find a gal that better suits you.

 

You know who she is - don't expect her to change. In fact, expect it may get more pronounced if you marry.

[ImASensitiveGuy]

Why would you need to get married anytime soon? You're so young and you both will change and grow in the next 5-10 years.

 

You may be kind and sensitive while she's selfish and self serving - if you need more than that then break up with her and find a gal that better suits you.

 

You know who she is - don't expect her to change. In fact, expect it may get more pronounced if you marry.

 

Understandably we will change! And of course I am worried about that change being bad for us, but if the love is strong then it will stand the test of time. Not looking to get married so soon, but since we have been together for so long we wanted to know where we both stand commitment wise, and this would be the best way to showcase that to each other and to the world.

 

On her being selfish and self-serving... I hate using those words to describe her, as I truly don't believe that she is, but how do I know for sure? I am completely lost there, because her career (nursing) is about giving and being as selfless as possible, but with me I feel like on an average day she isn't quite like that. She does get controlling sometimes, but other than that, I can't find it in my heart to pin those two adjectives on her.

[Els]

The sexy pics thing is probably just a small incompatibility issue. Lots of women aren't big on 'sexy pics' of men in costumes or poses, honestly, not even of the men they love. A pic of my guy in a stripper outfit would do very little for me, and my response would probably be, "Huh?? Why??? :laugh:". But on the other hand, the way he talked to me on Skype when we were LD, watching his face as he spoke? Couldn't get enough of that.

 

I would focus more on the issue of her not making enough time for you. IMO that is a big issue and is likely to significantly impact your relationship.

[ImASensitiveGuy]

The sexy pics thing is probably just a small incompatibility issue. Lots of women aren't big on 'sexy pics' of men in costumes or poses, honestly, not even of the men they love. A pic of my guy in a stripper outfit would do very little for me, and my response would probably be, "Huh?? Why??? :laugh:". But on the other hand, the way he talked to me on Skype when we were LD, watching his face as he spoke? Couldn't get enough of that.

 

I would focus more on the issue of her not making enough time for you. IMO that is a big issue and is likely to significantly impact your relationship.

 

I know, I've spoken to her on several occasions where I voiced how I felt, and it usually ended in me apologizing for asking too much of her. She has a lot on her plate as a nursing major, and she studies a lot, and I understand that completely. I just have a hard time understanding how she can't make the time for little things - like small conversation throughout the day that isn't monotone or annoyed or rushed - or even just a single phone call each week. I'll be seeing her this Thursday, so I'll try to cautiously mention new/better ways to communicate.

 

On the Skype idea... it's impossible. We both have iPhones and Snapchat and still rarely have the opportunity of communicating via Facetime or quick pics. Heck, if I don't text her there is really no conversation on a day-to-day basis. A text here or there about how much work she has or a quick check-in... but that stuff is for business colleagues or one's parents, not your significant other. Like how will she be with a full time job?

[OnlyHonesty]

You may not realise this but you have become the feminine energy in the relationship. That is part of why this is not working out and it makes me wonder what the relationship between you and your parents were like, particularly with your mother. It's also why the pics didn't get a response.

 

You have placed the girl on a pedestal. Worship the paradise that is between her legs? seriously?

 

She is just a human being. Your way of thinking shows signs of programming and I think that you have lost contact with your masculinity replacing it with some kind of fantasy of how a guy should be with a girl.

 

If you get married, it will be a mistake and your future career and everything else will be placed at risk. Do it and you will regret it.

 

I would disregard the magazines she has been showing you and all of the hints, that is simply her fantasy. A fantasy of the big day, the ring, the wedding ceremony and the cake. You are not a part of the reality. It would be extremely unwise to propose or marry.