unrequited love

[ladypenelope]

i'm 21 and have never been in a proper relationship, which is really getting me down. i just seem to be stuck in a cycle of constant unrequited love. i've spent the last year and a half in love with one of my best friends, and in the end he found it too hard to cope with my feelings, and now we hardly even speak. i miss him, but i'm over him now.

 

this is meant to be a good thing, but it has its bad points too. now i've developed this huge crush on another guy. i feel so stupid about this, because i'm meant to be past having schoolgirl crushes. the guy i like is 27, and would never go for me in a million years. we get on really well, i spent ages chatting with him the other day, and he was genuinely interested in me, in my plans for the future, he even asked about how my sister is doing at school. unfortunately this made me think maybe there is hope for us (which there isn't), and now i can't stop thinking about him, and imagining that we will get together.

 

i can't keep doing this, i only get hurt. has anyone got any ideas about how i can break this cycle?

[cinsi]

I am 24, and know how you feel. The best thing to do is to find better things to do. Occupy your time with whatever interests you..sports, reading, music,..anything besides thinking so much about relationships and this guy- or any other guy. Spend time on yourself!

 

What you will find is that even when you are in a relationship you will still have yourself to deal with, and you will not want to spend every second with your b/f.

 

And every relationship has problems (see my posting), another reason to worry about yourself first and then the right person will follow.

 

So again, to break the cycle...quit worrying about a relationship with someone else and improve upon your relationships that already exist, namely with yourself, your friends, your family...

 

i'm 21 and have never been in a proper relationship, which is really getting me down. i just seem to be stuck in a cycle of constant unrequited love. i've spent the last year and a half in love with one of my best friends, and in the end he found it too hard to cope with my feelings, and now we hardly even speak. i miss him, but i'm over him now. this is meant to be a good thing, but it has its bad points too. now i've developed this huge crush on another guy. i feel so stupid about this, because i'm meant to be past having schoolgirl crushes. the guy i like is 27, and would never go for me in a million years. we get on really well, i spent ages chatting with him the other day, and he was genuinely interested in me, in my plans for the future, he even asked about how my sister is doing at school. unfortunately this made me think maybe there is hope for us (which there isn't), and now i can't stop thinking about him, and imagining that we will get together.

 

i can't keep doing this, i only get hurt. has anyone got any ideas about how i can break this cycle?

[clia]

I'm going to try not to sound too much like the Oprah Winfrey Show, but can you pinpoint a reason why you are going after seemingly unattainable guys? Were you hurt in the past and deep down afraid of having a 'real' relationship?

 

It sounds like you're putting these guys on pedestals and convincing yourself that they are the 'perfect' guys for you. That's the easy way out of having a real relationship. You can daydream about them, pick out your wedding dress in your head, and fantasize about all the wonderful times you would have together. Having a crush on someone is wonderful, but when it's unreturned, you are wasting your time. (And most of the time these guys aren't all that we build them up to be.) What it does is protect you from the hurt of a 'real' relationship. It's kind of a security blanket. Why do you need yours?

 

It also takes your focus away from meeting OTHER men. The only way to get over this guy is to continuously meet new people. There are so many wonderful guys out there, and you will eventually find the right one for you. This doesn't mean that you have to date or develop a crush on every guy you meet. Quite the opposite. Meeting different men will help you to narrow down exactly what it is you're looking for. (At 21, you just don't know yet. I'm not trying to sound condescending, either. I'm only 26 and I can't believe how my 'list' for the perfect guy has changed in the past 5 years.)

 

Daydreaming in your head will only make you depressed when it doesn't happen. You have to get out there and find a real guy and a real relationship. And don't compare every guy you meet to your imaginary guy. Be open to different types of guys. You never know what might happen.

[Tony T]

Just read your post. You build things up, then you tear them down with your negative attitude.

 

Change your attitude and start thinking more positive and not only your love life but your whole life will improve.

 

You gave every reason to believe this guy is interested in you and would go out with you...then you come to the conclusion that it won't happen. If that's your thinking, then you are right.

[sparkle]

Hi ladypenelope,

 

I noticed a few things about your posts.

 

You said,

i've spent the last year and a half in love with one of my best friends, and in the end he found

This is the first problem. I find it very hard to be friends with a person who feels differently about me.

 

When you realize that you're in love with a good friend,

 

there's really only one great way to deal with it. Tell him your feelings. If he likes you, that's great. If he sees you as just a friend, then you accept that. But you accept it by either getting over your feelings and dating other guys, or you end your friendship with this person.

 

You can't stay friends with him hoping that one day he'll feel the same way about you. You can't stay friends with him making yourself miserable.

 

And you definitely don't spend a year and a half in love with a best friend when he doesn't feel the same way.

now i've developed this huge crush on another guy. i feel so stupid about this, because i'm meant to be past having schoolgirl crushes.

At 21, you are entitled to as many crushes as you want. I'm the same age. There is nothing wrong with having a crush on a guy.

 

My main question is about what you said here:

the guy i like is 27, and would never go for me in a million years. we get on really

Why wouldn't he go for you in a million years? Were those his words exactly? Or did he say something like it?

 

Did he say he wasn't interested in you? I REALLYYYY wonder why you think this. Is it his age? That's not a problem at all.

made me think maybe there is hope for us (which there isn't), and now i can't stop thinking about

Why isn't there any hope? You seriously believe there isn't, so you must have a good reason. Is he married?

 

Does he have a girlfriend? Is he homosexual?

has anyone got any ideas about how i can break this cycle?

First, you don't think that you are good enough for certain guys. You need to rid your mind of this. You have to believe in yourself and believe that you can find a guy that has all the qualities that you desire. You have to understand that you deserve a wonderful guy. Like the Loreal commercial, "because you're worth it!".

 

Secondly, you allow yourself to stay in a situation where you'll get hurt. If you become friends with a guy and like him a lot more, and he doesn't feel the same way, DON'T KEEP TALKING TO HIM. That's torture, just plain torture for you. Don't do this to yourself. And if you're interested in some guy, never let the two of you reach that point where you become "just a friend" to him. Why not tell him your feelings. What's the worst that could happen? He'll say he doesn't like you in that way. But that's good news to you because you'll realize much sooner and won't be wasting your time wondering about him. You can mnove on sooner.

 

As soon as you realize how you feel, act on those feelings. Don't be scared. Don't wait. To get anywhere, you have to take some risks. Good luck, you'll find a wonderful guy...but only if you let yourself....

[ladypenelope]

i've often wondered what it is that drives me to always fall for 'unattainable' guys. i think it might have a lot to do with being hurt in the past. any time i have come close to having a relationship with anyone, they have ended up hurting me. i guess that means i've built up barriers against that happening again. when it comes down to it i'm terrified of relationships! i used to be so open, and honest with people, but the more i got hurt the less i'd tell them.

 

with my friend it was different. he really helped me open up again, and that's probably one of the reasons i fell for him. i wasn't afraid to be affectionate with him, to put my arm around him or give him a hug. he never stopped me, but when i told him how i felt he never gave me a straight answer. i told him to just be honest with me, but he refused to talk about it. it didn't hurt because we were still friends, and i was happy with that. since i've stopped having feelings for him our friendship has virtually collapsed. i try my best to keep in touch with him, but he doesn't seem to want to spend time with me anymore. surely he should be more willing to be my friend now i'm over him. i'm very confused!

[ladypenelope]

hi sparkle,

 

see my post in reply to clia for an explanation of the situation with my friend.

Why wouldn't he go for you in a million years? Were those his words exactly? Or did he say something like it? Did he say he wasn't interested in you? I REALLYYYY wonder why you think this. Is it his age? That's not a problem at all.

i think a lot of it's to do with age. i know the age difference isn't huge, but i just keep thinking he would see me as being way too young. i don't see him as that much older than me, but at the same time he's got a job, car, house etc, and i'm not even finished my studies yet. i guess i can't understand how he could ever see me as an equal, let alone be interested in me!

Why isn't there any hope? You seriously believe there isn't, so you must have a good reason. Is he married? Does he have a girlfriend? Is he homosexual?

he's single, and definitely straight. i guess it's just my low self esteem again!

[Bill]

Hey,

 

The first thing you need to do is understand why you are maintaining this pattern. You said in a previous post that you ended up getting hurt when close to a relationship. This seems to be a major point, but try to find out if there's something else.

 

Next, you need to break that pattern. You are currently feeling pain when living this pattern, but this is known territory to you and therefore you consider it as safe. You prefer staying in that state instead of going to new territory, because you are afraid that the pain you will then feel will be bigger than the one you are currently feeling. Take a chance. Take the other path. Once you start taking it, you will find out that you can cope with the difficulties, or at least you will discover them and get a chance to understand them.

 

It all comes down to making a leap of faith. You can't build a relationship (or a friendship for that matter too) without trusting the other person. You can't make a step forward without trusting that the ground won't give under your feet. It's extremely hard, you need to be careful. I'm still having a hard time putting this to practice too.

 

The guy seems interested, don't convince yourself that he isn't. If he hadn't been, he wouldn't have kept the conversation going and shown interest in your life. Ask him out, but don't tell him right away how you feel, it will scare him away. If he's not interested, then it's his loss.

 

Remember, you're better off alone than with the wrong person.

 

Good luck!

 

Bill

 

PS: He won't mind about the age difference. Actually, it might be an advantage for you.

[clia]

It's definitely hard to get back in the game when you've been hurt numerous times, but you have to remember that there are guys out there who won't hurt you. Love is a hard game since we lay so much on the line for it. I think a lot of it is age. Nobody has any idea what they're doing when they're in their teens, early twenties. I've found that as I've gotten older, the guys have clued in more to what they need to do and how they need to treat me.

 

Being open and honest is good, but you do need to watch it, especially in the 'early' stages of a relationship. Meeting someone we're crazy about makes us want to share everything, but in reality, you really need to wait. Remember that guys generally don't feel that emotional bond as quickly as we do.

 

I think you did the right thing by telling your friend how you felt, regardless of his reaction. Look at it this way: You really had nothing to lose. Yes, you got hurt when he wouldn't talk about it, but you were hurting anyway by having those feelings for him. Because he didn't want to discuss it, I think that he probably didn't feel that way about you, but didn't want to hurt you even more.

 

If he doesn't want to spend time with you anymore, your really need to move on. I don't take friendship lightly, but you will meet new friends. He obviously doesn't care enough to try to salvage your friendship, so why should you? Even though you say you're over him, he may not believe it. It's very uncomfortable to be around someone who you know has or had feelings for you. And what's to say that if you did start spending time together again that those feelings wouldn't come back? He is definitely avoiding the issue because he doesn't want to deal with those kinds of issues. The best thing you can do is move on with your life. Don't think about this guy anymore--he obviously isn't thinking about you. (Sorry, I'm not trying to sound harsh.)