In pain because of very subtle abuser.

[mattie]

Very new here, so hello.

 

Hopefully this message is in the right place. For a usually intelligent person I feel, right now, a bit of an idiot. My partner of 17 years is a very subtle emotional abuser. I've tried to do all the things you do. Walk on egg-shells, keep the children from doing things that will annoy him, not do things myself that will anger him. He is insanely jealous - even of my relationships with our children - I suppose because my attention being elsewhere means that he's not getting it. I am moderately successful professionally (in the creative sphere) which I feel my partner resents. The general pattern of abuse is to find ways to 'deflate' me just when I think things are going well. This usually involves embarrassing me in front of those who matter to me either personally or professionally. He wears me down with his jealousy, his accusations and his disapproval - to the point of kicking up when I am out for a couple of hours with my daughter of 19. The recent situation was that I was out of the house with her sorting a problem out. Doing something like that ends up, inevitably, with me being reduced to a sniveling wreck by 3 in the morning because he has 'bullied' (can't think of another word for it really.) me into submission. The big problem is that he is really clever and manages to make it like he's right (always) and I'm wrong, I'm a problem person. He can never be wrong. He waits until I am reduced to absolute in-capability - I can hardly walk, feel sick, can't breath from sobbing, then he says he hates to see me in this kind of state! And yet he's the one who put me there. I feel like I have no self respect left - waking up to the fact that he is a control freak and that it's actually serious makes me afraid and sad, but also strong. I'd appreciate any help- or just chats that can come my way from being here. I have got to the point where I feel physically very unwell because of living like this.

 

A little nervous to be honest. I could give more details about his behavior and my own reactions to it, but at the moment I'm full of trepidation.

 

Mattie

[HoldOn]

Well, I just want to tell you that this is not normal. It is abuse. Plain and simple.

 

I haven't been through anything like this, but my last bf was super jealous. Any time a guy looked at me or was even in the same room as me, it would set him off. He never hurt my physically, but he did the same thing: making me feel I was wrong and it was all my fault.. etc.

 

I know this is wrong. I think you should get out it, but I know that is really hard. How many kids do you have? Do you have a job?

 

When you are in a healthy relationship, the change is amazing. I am still kind of afraid of pissing of my current bf because my last bf scarred me. Like my ex was super paranoid about the blinds being open and people seeing me, he would totally freak OUT! I thought it was normal, until I started dating someone nw.

 

The only message I want you to get : THIS IS NOT NORMAL.

[Craig]

It's hard to ask for help or anything when you're in a situation like you are. You've done the right thing and taken the first step to getting a better life for yourself.

 

I'm not sure what you are asking for right now, maybe you don't know yourself but you know there must be a better way to live than the way you are/have been living.

 

From your post it looks like the abuse is emotional/psychological. Has he ever been physically violent with anyone? Has he broken things? Destroyed your property? Hurt or killed animals? Does he abuse you financially?

 

The first thing I'd recommend is doing some reading on domestic violence sites. The domestic violence sites have a lot of good information about things like the cycle of abuse, cycle of power, questionnaires to confirm that you are in an abusive relationship and that it is not okay, etc. Here are a couple of links that you may or may not find useful.

 

http://www.justicewomen.com/tips_escape.html

 

http://www.life-span.org/dv101.htm

 

The way you are feeling is expected for someone in an abusive relationship. In fact the way you describe your situation is a textbook case of abuse and you use words and phrases that are common to survivors of abuse.

[curious jane]

Reading your post was like reading about myself and my most recent relationship.

 

He never did anything psyical until near the end of it all. I never really thought of him as abusive.

But he would always make me out to be the person in the wrong, he would never take responsiblity for his own actions it always was my fault. He also became very jellis of me, and started aqcusing my of sleeping with some of my best friends. He would have to know where i was at ALL times and know every detail of where i was and who iwas with/what i was doing. It made me NUTS!! and then when it came to what he was up to he would not have to tell me anything.

 

I did kiss another boy about a year before we broke up and he was spying on my computer the whole time - and waited a long time to confront me on it. I should have known then if iwas looking somewhere else i should have gotten out. BUt stayed with him for another year and things just got worse and i just figured he was justified in his actions since i cheated on him - and perhaps i was partly responsible for making him even more controling.

 

He was a big slob - never would clean or cook - one morning i asked him to vacum - he started cursing at me tellign to shut the **** up and i should no better not to ask him those things first thing in the morning.

He then ran out to the kitchen where i was threw a can at me - it hit me - and then cornerd me and had me on the floor and would not let me up - then proceeded to chase me into the bedroom and everywhere else i would go unil i got out.

I never thought he could be that way. He just moved out 2 weeks ago. and it hurts so many raw emotions as i do still love him.

I think somewhere along the way i was just not honest to myself and he was not honest to himself either.

 

I guess what i am trying to get at - is Everything you said was like my situation - and after 4 years together he resorted to it being psysical and i think just now i am relising how immature he really is. and that i can do way better, and so can you !

[mattie]

Originally posted by Craig

 

you use words and phrases that are common to survivors of abuse.

 

Craig, thanks - and thanks to everyone here who joined me. Am in a very bad state today after a night of confusing and painful discussion. But the above - about using words and phrases that are common to survivors of abuse intrigues me. Please, if you have time, can you be specific. I'm interested in learning about myself on this journey.

 

Many many thanks

 

mattie

[Craig]

Mattie, for what it’s worth here are some of my interpretations and thoughts for you to consider.

 

"For a usually intelligent person I feel, right now, a bit of an idiot."

 

- Survivors often feel that there is something wrong with themselves. (If only they could change and be the person the abuser wants them to be then things would be "better" or "be like it used to be.")

 

"My partner of 17 years is a very subtle emotional abuser."

 

- There is no such thing as 'subtle abuse.' Survivors often downplay the abuse or make excuses for their SO's abusive behavior.

 

"I've tried to do all the things you do."

 

- Survivors often make futile attempts to change anything they can (including themselves) to alter the abusive behavior.

 

"Walk on egg-shells, keep the children from doing things that will annoy him, not do things myself that will anger him."

 

- "Walking on egg shells" is a phrase often heard from survivors.

- Taking responsibility for the abusive behavior by "not doing things myself that will anger him"

 

"He is insanely jealous - even of my relationships with our children - I suppose because my attention being elsewhere means that he's not getting it."

 

- "He/she is insanely jealous" another phrase common to survivors.

 

"I am moderately successful professionally (in the creative sphere) which I feel my partner resents."

 

- Abusive partners don't like success for their victims. Success is a threat to their efforts of manipulation and control. Is your use of the word 'moderately' your way of depreciating the amount of success you've had professionally? Compared to others in your field are you a success?

 

"The general pattern of abuse is to find ways to 'deflate' me just when I think things are going well."

 

- Things going well for a survivor is a threat to the abuser afraid of losing control and power over the survivor.

 

"This usually involves embarrassing me in front of those who matter to me either personally or professionally."

 

- Abusers want results and will choose the method of abuse that gets them results. In this case he tear you down by embarrassing you in front of people you know. If you weren’t affected by this type of abuse, you abuser wouldn’t use it.

 

"He wears me down with his jealousy, his accusations and his disapproval - to the point of kicking up when I am out for a couple of hours with my daughter of 19."

 

- Abusers can have an incredible amount of energy to abuse. Accusations (unfounded) and disapproval (irrational) are common methods of abuse.

 

"Doing something like that ends up, inevitably, with me being reduced to a sniveling wreck by 3 in the morning because he has 'bullied' (can't think of another word for it really.) me into submission."

 

- The abuser wears you down and deprives you of sleep.

 

"The big problem is that he is really clever and manages to make it like he's right (always) and I'm wrong, I'm a problem person."

 

- He probably doesn’t stick to one topic but changes topics as soon as he sees he might be wrong.

 

"He can never be wrong."

 

- A common phrase of survivors.

 

"he's the one who put me there"

 

- A common phrase of survivors.

 

"I feel like I have no self respect left - waking up to the fact that he is a control freak and that it's actually serious makes me afraid and sad, but also strong. I'd appreciate any help- or just chats that can come my way from being here."

 

- Feeling like you’ve lost “self respect”, experiencing helplessness, hopelessness are common to survivors of abuse.

 

"I have got to the point where I feel physically very unwell because of living like this."

 

- The effects of chronic abuse often manifest in physical maladies. Perhaps this is one of the last areas the survivor has control over.

 

"A little nervous to be honest. I could give more details about his behavior and my own reactions to it, but at the moment I'm full of trepidation."

 

- Fear of the abuser and of the abusive situation is very common. In situations like this a little paranoia is a good thing.

[mattie]

Craig, you are a gem.

 

Thank you so much for taking ALL that precious time outlining your interpretation of things. I really hadn't realized that so much of how I had expressed my concerns fell into 'typical' language. It helps, truly it does. It's such a hard thing - no cuts or bruises - 'only' emotional battering - And you know I don't make reference to that lightly. This guy gets me confused. And yes, you're right, I use the term 'moderate' to describe my professional achievements but I have some acclaim and also a public image to maintain. Really, I'm not massively famous or anything unbearable like that, but I do have to put on a brave face - even if it's only that I must continue to appear cheerful, yet professional, in dealing with clients on the phone or by email.

 

I am going to suggest that we need external help in dealing with this. Your input and that of everyone who has been so helpful and caring here gives me strength.

 

I actually feel, having read your reply post, that I have gained some insight.

 

Oh, yes. Here's one to mull over. I told my partner last night that he behaved like a control freak (I did this very gently and with concern). His response was to say that he definitely is not a control freak - he'd read up about it (apparently, I know nothing of this and wonder why) and he said he doesn't fit the profile. Perhaps this is just something control freaks say. Ha ha!

[Craig]

Originally posted by mattie

Thank you so much for taking ALL that precious time outlining your interpretation of things.

You are very welcome, having been in an abusive relationship as a survivor for nearly 4 years this is my therapy too.

 

Oh, yes. Here's one to mull over. I told my partner last night that he behaved like a control freak (I did this very gently and with concern). His response was to say that he definitely is not a control freak - he'd read up about it (apparently, I know nothing of this and wonder why) and he said he doesn't fit the profile. Perhaps this is just something control freaks say. Ha ha!

Did he cite his sources?

 

I wouldn't recommend telling your partner this but "denial ain't just a river in Egypt!"

 

Was he defensive when you told him he behaved like a control freak? Defensive denial is often a good indication that what you have said is true.

[Tamed Wildflower]

Originally posted by Craig

You are very welcome, having been in an abusive relationship as a survivor for nearly 4 years this is my therapy too.

 

Craig, may I ask-- you are male and you have been the subordinate person in an abusive relationship?? I ask this not because I don't believe it can happen but because I know that it can, and I think that not enough attention is payed to domestic victimization of men, either among the professions who deal with this kind of thing or among the larger public. I don't want to totally take this thread in another direction, but would you mind saying more? (not if it will be too painful for you though)

[Craig]

Tamed Wildflower, I am male and I am the survivor (AKA victim) in an abusive marriage that included physical, emotional, psychological, financial and most other kinds of abuse/violence.

 

Sometime in the next six months I will post to LS and tell my story, however for the time being I only feel safe posting general information and assisting others to find solutions that work for them. Pain, unfortunately, is still a part of getting my life back, healing my spirit and becoming me again. I try not to think too much about what happened and instead practice indifference regarding the violence and abuse as a way to reduce the pain that remembering it can bring. I am seeing a counsellor and in a male DV survivors group.

 

Things are getting better for me daily and finally I can see light at the end of the tunnel.