My story new here [updates]

[veruca salt]

Hello

I hope my post won't be to long and I don't ramble I won't bore you with all the details will give you the condensed version.

 

I am an xow, I'm 54 xmm is 50, and his bs is 41

When my affair started I thought I was the luckiest woman on the planet.

I've never been a head Turner, men don't find me attractive and it had been 15 years since I had a relationship or sex I know that's sad, not to excuse what I did, but xmm found me at a very vulnerable time

I was so flattered by all of his attention, I felt great something I haven't felt in years I was giddy like a girl in high school, couldn't wait for the next call or text, I got butterflies in my stomach just hearing his voice

We talked for months before meeting each other, we met playing games on line and he ended up living in the next town over

I thought finally things are going well for, he did tell me he was married, but they were more like roomates, she was never home.

All the same Crap they say, anyways our love affair lasted almost 3 years we only had sex 3 times

A list about the sex, so we decided to go to a romantic hotel I went got my hair done bought some nice clothes, now looking back paid for everything, meals, hotels, rental cars bought him gifts he never once paid for anything except dinner at a cheap Chinese restaurant, his excuse was they were broke and she would know what he was up to.

Ok back to the sex part first time was just awkward and awful don't know if it was cause I was looking forward to it to much, or if he was feeling guilty or cause we are both over weight, maybe a bit of all of it, the 2 other times weren't much better either.

But I just loved having his friendship so it didn't really bother me, cause at least he was having sex with her either right?

He would always tell me he loved me we belong together wished he could fall asleep in my arms every night and wake up in my arms every morning, I was his true soulmates I was weak in the knees when he would say these things to me he sounded so sincere

The couple months before day he started telling me when the bs finds out she will kick him out and we could finally be together, I asked him a few times why doesn't he just tell her the truth, of course he said kids would hate him, and his oldest daughter wouldn't ever let him see his grandkid, financial reasons, his work the cat etc, you name it it was one excuse after another

But I was patient I loved him and believed him

So one day in march I get a frantic text from him saying don't call or text me I will call you from another number this evening, if I was so scared and nervous had no idea what was coming.

 

He didn't even bother can me until next after noon, he was very sort and said his wife has found out and he was done with me, I was alot of things but sad and stunned come to mind

Cried myself to sleep we belong together we love each other my heart was ripped apart

I decided to give him a couple days to process this but knew he would come back as he just told me the day before how much he loved me how much he loved us

So after 3 days of excruciating pain I called him he had been drinking and he starts crying to me about how he screwed up the best th that has ever happened to him, well I think he was talking about me cause he told me often I was best thing that ever happened to him, and I said it's ok baby we will work through this, his exact words I will never forget them

Veruca are you as stupid as you look you stupid and fat ugly b@&ch

Do you think if I was looking for an affair it would be with someone that looks like you, you knew what you were getting into, thanks for playing the game, but because of us my life is ruined she threw me out all I ever wanted was her, you leave me alone

I was devastated thrown out like trash

Well this is where I must say I had to have been temporarily insane and I've beaten myself up over my despicable actions

So in my mind at the time all I could think of is hey this was what we both wanted was for him to be kicked out so we could be together

I found out what hotel he was at and my plan was to seduce him and win him back but I did not get a warm welcome he slammed the door in my face

I bombarded him with calls and texts no response I was devastated and angry so what does veruca decide to do in this crazy state I was in? Well if I couldn't get through to him I was going to try to get thru his bs I sent her every correspondence and pictures we shared I would call her and hang up I was just nasty I really was

She never responded not once and this infuriated me so I used the harassment still nothing

Then one day my phone rings and showed his name on the caller I'd I thought to myself finally he's calling to be together nope he told me to stop harassing them he's gotten a lawyer and they would press charges again another devastation but I Still loved him I know I'm pathetic and what I do next shows it

I called her asked if we could talk meet for coffee and I was shocked when she agreed

I knew I deserved what ever she said to me but the exact opposite happened she treated me with kindness and dignity I didn't deserve it

She is beautiful inside and out We talked over 2 hours

She was working 2 jobs for them to be able to buy a house to retire in and poor xmm was feeling lonely he lied about everything what a shocker right

I was even more confused after I met her but knew I didn't want to hurt her anymore

Confused by her looks she's beautiful looks like demi moore confused by her kindness how could he do this to her that I will never know the answer too

I ran into her about 2 months ago she looks great I don't know if they are back together I didn't think it was right to ask although I'm curious

I never spoke to xmm after the day he told me to leave his bs alone I did try but when he said he was done he meant it

I had many sleepless nights cried screamed alot

But it's taken me 2 years but I'm in a good place I don't ever want to see him again what a giant mistake that was

I have a good job 2 great kids and my 2 cats and I'm happy with that if I find a man great if not that's ok too

I wish I would have met the bs first I think we could have been friends

[Cinnimon]

What a sad story. So sorry you were treated this way. I am sure you dodged a bullet and Im sure his wife is glad to be rid of him too. If not God help her.

[loveboid]

I have a good job 2 great kids and my 2 cats and I'm happy with that if I find a man great if not that's ok too

 

What a great outlook. I'm sorry you had to go through all of that to get to it. Sometimes suffering is the price we pay for happiness.

[anika99]

The things he said to you were awful, cruel and undeserved. I'm sorry that his parting words to you were so nasty. He obviously didn't really want to leave his wife and it was his right to end the affair but his cruelty towards you was downright mean. It sounds like instead of supporting his wife as she was working so hard to make a life for them he just felt neglected and entitled to get attention from someone else. I hope his wife did leave him for good and that he's still crying in his beer somewhere.

 

 

Sounds like you are fully recovered and in a much better place now than you were then. Glad you were able to move on and find peace.

[Hope Shimmers]

What a total loser. (Not you - your ex-MM).

 

I'm sorry you had to go through that. He was cruel and a complete jerk to you. I'm glad you came out stronger from the experience, but wow. That had to be tough.

[veruca salt]

Thank you to all who responded your words touched my heart

 

Just wanted to share one more tidbit, on how far some mms lie

So during our affair when he was telling me how they just lived as roomates, I swear there's a cheaters handbook they read

He texted me a picture of his room he said, this is where he spends his lonely nights all alone, and he wished I was there nightly to keep him warm

So when I met with his bs, I showed her the pic, and she chuckled and said omg, he's a piece of work isn't he

She told me the year before they had a big flood at their house, and her best friend was put of town and offered them her house for a week, and that picture is her spare room where they slept

What a fool I was

I'm so glad I'm out of the pea soup thick fog

[veruca salt]

Hello and happy easter

You can read my back story if you want, but in a nutshell xmm was cruel to me and ended things with me never to be heard from again

It's been a little over 2 years and I have healed or so I thought, I do think I am in a good place I'm just sharing my thoughts

So I moved to xmm town to be closer to him before dday, but only about 40 miles from my old town, and I really love it here, it's not a small town, but not a big city either eventually you will bump into someone you don't want to

I had a good day yesterday with my daughter, then decided to end my day by taking my chair and book and sit at the beach

 

So I'm sitting there and a couple minutes later I see the bs sitting up a place a few yards away, I contemplated saying hello but as soon as I was I see xmm, holding hands with another woman ugh that was hard

 

I could of handled it better if was holding bs hand, after all that's why he ended things to work on his marriage

Anyways they were all there even the bs new man their kids grandchild, looked like one big happy family

I know I shouldn't say or feel this way, but that should be me of course I know I wouldn't have been welcomed, by his children at least, but I feel like I know his daughters, and I saw pic's of his daughter all through her pregnancy, and even a picture of the baby when he made his debut into this world

 

But no I'm sitting there all alone feeling very lonely, I just sat there frozen couldn't move I didn't want them to notice me

 

As I'm sitting there I noticed xmm has a type his bs, and new girlfriend look alot alike, long dark hair, thin, tattoos , Hispanic very attractive, what did he see in me I'm just a chubby white girl I don't get it but he definitely has a type and I'm not it nor am I any man's type sigh, sad but true

 

I'm just sad today, realizing I will be sailing this ship all alone, and that jerk gets to have a life

I will get through this just need to process this

Thanks for reading

[whichwayisup]

All this means is, he wasn't the right one for you and you weren't the right one for him. Don't let the sadness get you down. You have a good life with your daughter and when you're ready and open to it, a great (single) guy will come into your life.

 

Don't put yourself down, that is damaging and pointless.

[Grapesofwrath]

Veruca: Ouch. That must have stung, to see that.

 

First, let's let go of all this negative self talk about your appearance. Maybe xmm has a type, and you don't fit it. Who knows? He was attracted to you, and so was your daughter's father, and so are other men. You just need to lift your chin and look around.

 

Who knows what's going on with those people. And it isn't important. The worst thing we do to ourselves as APs is press our noses to the windows of other people's lives. Then we imagine we see an ideal life in there, a life we wish we had. I promise, things aren't all sunshine, unicorns, and rainbows over there.

 

Lift your chin. Live your life. Open your heart.

[Adoraxx]

Hope you feel better soon, Veruca. I can imagine that it was a shock when you suddenly saw him there, especially with a 'new' woman

Hugs!!

[Josmatjes]

YOU are someone's type...l and he is somewhere sitting on a beach with a book and a beer wondering when he is going to meet you.......

 

Have faith in yourself, this other guy was a lesson in what you don't want...

[GoldieLox]

Let me get this straight: he was at the beach with his wife AND his new girlfriend? Are him and his wife divorced or separated? This sounds like a hot mess and a half. I know it really must have hurt to see him there, especially after all the horrible things he said to you after future faking with you, but it REALLY sounds like you dodged a bullet.

[veruca salt]

Thank you all for your kind and encouraging words

 

IM not always so down on myself privately iam, I just wanted to be honest.

I was totally in love with my first husband, and I truly felt special and loved by him, but unfortunately he died in an accident over 20 years ago, and then I married my 2nd husband, who was verbally abusive

 

He's the father of my children he's a drug addict who has stolen from me many times, I see him every so often as he lives on the streets, unfortunately we are still married, but haven't lived together in 8 years.

 

So when xmm came into my life I thought I would finally have someone, like my first husband

 

I remember his bs told me I need to take xmm off the pedestal I have him on, because he's not the perfect man that I believe him to be

I have taken him off the pedestal but this just had my mind spinning it will get better I hope I never see him again as I never want to feel like this again

This has been a very hard struggle for me

[veruca salt]

Let me get this straight: he was at the beach with his wife AND his new girlfriend? Are him and his wife divorced or separated? This sounds like a hot mess and a half. I know it really must have hurt to see him there, especially after all the horrible things he said to you after future faking with you, but it REALLY sounds like you dodged a bullet.

 

Hi goldielox

I don't know if they are divorced or not, but I think it's great to get along well with your ex, that's the kind of relationship my parents had they got along well with each others new spouses

I remember on Christmas eve my dad and his new wife would come eat dinner at our home, with mom and her new husband

 

I think at first they did it for us kids, but eventually they all liked each other and had mutual respect for each other.

 

Who knows if this is what's going on with xmm, I can only speculate, I kind of wish that would have been me

[veruca salt]

My mind has been reeling since one sided encounter with xmm, I think I tried to make myself believe I was over him, or am I over him I just don't know I'm so confused

 

Finding this place has been great but also not good as I read all the threads, it takes me back to the place I was with xmm

 

Also reading many things on here about how they always come back well that had me thinking, and I admit not logically, that maybe he misses me, but doesn't know how to reach out

 

So........I just called him......my heart was pounding out of my chest

Him..Hello

Me....Hello I his name, this is veruca.....silent awkward pause

Him...what do you want

Me....just want to see how are doing

Him...I don't want to be mean. ..but I'm only going to say this one time...leave me alone move on get a life ...Click

Why did I do that I was doing so well I don't understand this

Now I'm left in tears at least before I could kinda fantasize that he might think of me with some like in his heart for me I know not lovebut like, now I killed that

I am nothing to him, I envy the xow who's xmm try to go back

[Cinnimon]

First off I'm sorry you are in pain, truly . But why DID you do that? He called you vile things and threatened you with criminal charges?

After the things he's said and done, after meeting his wife and thinking she was so nice and treated you with respect , you still want him??

[veruca salt]

First off I'm sorry you are in pain, truly . But why DID you do that? He called you vile things and threatened you with criminal charges?

After the things he's said and done, after meeting his wife and thinking she was so nice and treated you with respect , you still want him??

Cinnamon I know I know, you are right

I don't even know why

It's not that I want him, just a I'm good how are you

really I don't know why I'm confused myself

[Ronnie33]

Now you know without a doubt where he stands. Close the door completely in your mind and move on. He's not even a nice person, you aren't missing anything but a selfish douchebag.

[Cinnimon]

Veruca, with all due respect, you don't seem okay. If you were okay , you wouldn't care to know if he's okay. I'm not beating you up, this crap is painful to go through especially when you've got one who treated you as he did.

I just don't want you to open yourself back up to more pain. You seem very sweet, don't give this guy another chance to make you feel unworthy, he is the one who is unworthy of both you and his wife.

Hugs and strength.

[Lurkeraspect]

Veruca,

 

It's been 2 years since the affair ended and if you're still so wrapped up in him (he treated you horribly, btw) and calling him, I'd suggest you need some professional counseling to help you truly move on. Dwelling on him and his rejection of you does nothing but lower your already low self esteem. And I agree with cinnamon, you are not okay.

 

So sorry your hurting.

[whichwayisup]

My mind has been reeling since one sided encounter with xmm, I think I tried to make myself believe I was over him, or am I over him I just don't know I'm so confused

 

Finding this place has been great but also not good as I read all the threads, it takes me back to the place I was with xmm

 

Also reading many things on here about how they always come back well that had me thinking, and I admit not logically, that maybe he misses me, but doesn't know how to reach out

 

So........I just called him......my heart was pounding out of my chest

Him..Hello

Me....Hello I his name, this is veruca.....silent awkward pause

Him...what do you want

Me....just want to see how are doing

Him...I don't want to be mean. ..but I'm only going to say this one time...leave me alone move on get a life ...Click

Why did I do that I was doing so well I don't understand this

Now I'm left in tears at least before I could kinda fantasize that he might think of me with some like in his heart for me I know not lovebut like, now I killed that

I am nothing to him, I envy the xow who's xmm try to go back

 

Sorry you're hurting.

 

With that said, let go of him. You have no choice now, he doesn't want to hear from you, he's moved on. You had a reality check and that's a good thing! There's absolutely NO reason for you to contact him now. You can grieve the loss fully knowing that there's no chance of hope of getting him back.

 

Take care of you now.

[veruca salt]

You are all right

I know what I need to do, I really respect everything you all wrote and I will read all the advice over and over

This was a mistake on every level I'm sorry I did this to myself and sorry I did this to the bs, who's only showed me kindness and grace

 

I will make an appointment to talk to a counselor from church just so I can have someone to talk to, I just don't know how I could be doing so well and then this, maybe seeing him was a trigger

Just know all your words and advice aren't in vain

 

Thank you hopefully I can make an appointment for this week

[pheonixrisen]

 

Finding this place has been great but also not good as I read all the threads, it takes me back to the place I was with xmm

 

Also reading many things on here abouthow they always come back well that had me thinking, and I admit not logically, that maybe he misses me, but doesn't know how to reach out

 

The bolded is a wrong information ,idea or conclusion and should not be put out there ...as some women fragile like you ...take this information twist it in your head to suit your needs and discard any logical explanation and act.

 

I am a bs and no they do not always go back ...but for some if their is still the opportunity available and waiting with no risk of getting caught then yes they will try again ..but this is a small number ..but you have to ask your self what are trying to achieve or want as final outcome of this situation ..If you want to remain the side piece or you want to be the only choice.

 

He is with someone holding hands ...yet you concluded from several post here that he might be missing you and will return... ...but does not know how to reach out so let's call him ...I am always surprised with post like this how someone reaches this conclusion

 

Your story is very sad and you were treated in a shabby way ...you don't need people like this around in your life ..I hope you find peace

[gettingstronger]

I'd like to gently touch on your self image- if you consider yourself chubby and its something you don't like about yourself, please take this opportunity to work on you- yoga was my savior- the peace of mind together with the changes to my body was an excellent combo-

 

I have since moved on to harder work outs- went from a size 6 to a size 0 and I feel amazing-

 

Be a little selfish, spoil you and get in the best physical and mental shape of your life-

[veruca salt]

I haven't been on here for a bit

As my counselor said reading here might be causing me to trigger, and it might be true but it also helps to know I'm not the only one going through this

 

I did something really crazy on sunday.......sigh kinda of ashamed to admit it

I called the bs I felt I needed some answers I know I had no right to, and she didn't need to give me answers either, and I made sure to tell her that also

 

She agreed to meet the next day we met for drinks, talked for hours I cried sobbed actually felt totally pathetic, but she consoled me, how can somebody I hurt so terribly bad show so much kindness to me? Are there actually people that good in this cruel world

 

Anyways I told her if he was with her it would hurt but I would respect it, but told her I knew he had a new girlfriend, she confirmed it and I told her he made me believe it would be me in his life, how could I have fallen for such lies I've been around the block, when he told me he loved me I felt it I believed him with all my heart and soul

 

He threw me out and found someone else, that soul shattering

His bs apologized for the way he has treated me, but didn't have any answers for me, she didn't want to be in the middle and I understand that, she said even though they will be getting a divorce they are still very good friends, and she's engaged (makes me jelous) but I'm happy for her

 

We talked for hours she's so easy to talk to, she said I need to move on and I won't be able to while I'm stuck still fantasizing about xmm, she said she's moved on and so has xmm, and it's time for me to forgive myself so I can get passed this

 

I feel so ashamed cause it seems like I'm still punishing the bs by my continued contact, I was so cruel and awful to her after d day but I can't help it, I was hoping she would talk Crap about xmm I don't know why maybe it would make me feel a little better I don't know why I'm like this I know I'm depressed, and I know I have abandonment issues, and I can be very needy I try not to be like this, but I've been like this my whole life

Thanks for reading