confusion and general lack of motivation

[nyc27]

Hi,

 

I've never written on a message board before but I have read them for years during some of my darkest moments and I've found them to be extraordinarily helpful - as a matter of fact I'm already crying... not sure why, but I haven't been able to in a while so I guess this is already helping in some weird way.

 

Not sure where to start with this but I guess the main theme is that I'm finding that I am losing confidence and motivation almost by the second, entering in to what feels like a downward spiral that is causing me to close everyone out. I live in one of the most lively areas of Manhattan and I find myself running to lay in my bed whenever I have the opportunity to do so because it's where I feel most safe. But then I am alone with myself and realize I'm an absolute mess.

 

I've lived in NYC for nine years or so, have a "glamorous" job that gives me more anxiety than I know what to do with due to an abusive boss and mean coworkers. I have a decent number of friends but I'm at the age where I realize many of us have extremely different priorities - be it getting drunk, having babies, focusing on work, soul searching... everyone is all over the place, so I find it hard to relate to many of them on a consistent basis. I'm close with my family but I'm beginning to feel that they are more worried about me than proud, and considering I've worked my a** off, it's kind of sad. They recently mentioned I'm getting the sh*t kicked out of me while living here. I don't know what I'm trying to prove anymore by staying, but I'm scared to leave. I've been looking for jobs in other cities but haven't locked anything in yet so I feel stuck in a way.

 

Relationship-wise, I've been single and kind of dating for about 2 years. My ex boyfriend of two years verbally abused me pretty badly - the relationship ended when he strangled me out of the blue one morning (he did a lot of drugs) and I decided to file charges against him. I felt a certain sense of empowerment from this, knowing I was getting away from the situation but it has effected me deeply and in ways I never realized it would. Not filing against him - rather, having that happen at all. I fell into a terrible depression after this (I also lost my job the day he was arrested... completely unrelated) and it wasn't until about 9 months later when I found a specialized psychiatrist that I started to really get the help that I needed to overcome this. I stopped seeing the psychiatrist after 4 months or so because I was jobless, for one, but I didn't want to talk about him anymore.

 

For the most part, I've moved on. I don't miss him, though of course I think of him from time to time. I lost friends, got new friends, strengthened relationships, got a new (better) job and I should be proud of myself. It was also during this time that I kind of hit such a weird low that I didn't care about confronting my parents about weird issues - they haven't spoken to each other in over 18 years and I voiced my opinion on that for the first time, and I also brought up to my mother a memory of being eight years old and walking in on her with a gun to her head. In that moment I became a wise friend - not a child at all... I remember the feeling - and knew I needed to talk her out of it. I did, and we never spoke about it again. I'm oddly grateful that I was able to bring it up to her and acknowledge it... because it's such an intense story I've never really spoken about it and you begin to think maybe you made it up.

 

All things considered, I try to be and used to think I was a very happy person. I'm successful for my age. I volunteer my time to those who are terminally ill - selfishly, it reminds me that people have worse problems and it makes me feel like I'm making a difference to someone - something I otherwise don't feel at all.

 

I'm really, really, really lost. I feel like no one will ever love me. I have a lot of trouble connecting to people recently, I become extremely quiet. Otherwise the pendulum swings and I'll go out all night, but I just listen to people and drink and find that I'm getting more nervous to even contribute to a conversation because I am so confused, anxious and feel undeserving. I have found a handful of guys that I really like since two years ago, but they never "choose" me back, and this also sucks. I don't want to spring any of this on a new guy and wouldn't right away - I don't want to live this secretive sad life and I also don't want to be so open about some of the really sad things in my life either.

 

I'm confused, sad, and I any accomplishment of mine is overshadowed by an intense feeling of worthlessness.

 

I don't know what my question is... other than... any help?

[whichwayisup]

Your mental stability is suffering. My suggestion? Quit your job!

 

I've lived in NYC for nine years or so, have a "glamorous" job that gives me more anxiety than I know what to do with due to an abusive boss and mean coworkers

 

Glamour and money mean nothing if you have a horrible boss and mean co workers and are suffering from anxiety. Your mental health is the most important thing here.

 

you can find another job, you can move back to where you're from, be with your family.

 

Ah you will find love again, I promise you. Things just happen, timing is everything.

 

What are the positives of living in NY? Focus on that, the fun stuff - Shopping? Seeing plays and musicals?

 

Counseling is an option, just having someone to talk to and can guide you through your rough times.