great mom doesnt mean great wife, does it?

[dichotomy]

Here is what I would have asked at the party - "how were you a great wife (or maybe GF) before you had kids?"

 

Marriage and Kids should have added to that list of traits or behavior, not substituted or taken away from them.

 

This frames most of the pain or arguments (husbands or wives) after marriage and kids. "You use to..."

Edited March 31, 2015 by dichotomy

[stillmind]

I think focusing on being a good wife makes me a better mother.

[xxoo]

Here is what I would have asked at the party - "how were you a great wife (or maybe GF) before you had kids?"

 

Marriage and Kids should have added to that list of traits or behavior, not substituted or taken away from them.

 

This frames most of the pain or arguments (husbands or wives) after marriage and kids. "You use to..."

 

I hope that the expectation isn't that nothing will change. Of course life changes with the responsibilities of raising a family.

 

I don't know if expectations are the problem, or if actual behaviors are the problem. Sometimes one and sometimes the other.

[DKT3]

Here is what I would have asked at the party - "how were you a great wife (or maybe GF) before you had kids?"

 

Marriage and Kids should have added to that list of traits or behavior, not substituted or taken away from them.

 

This frames most of the pain or arguments (husbands or wives) after marriage and kids. "You use to..."

 

That question was asked in several forms. She thinks nothing had changed, yet her she is really good friends with a couple other MW there and they mentioned how much stuff they use to do together as a group that now once there were kids only he did.

 

One of the husbands commented about having talked to him a year or so before and her ex being upset because she would rarely even entertain the idea of a sitter, and every thing they did had to include the kids.

[xxoo]

 

One of the husbands commented about having talked to him a year or so before and her ex being upset because she would rarely even entertain the idea of a sitter, and every thing they did had to include the kids.

 

Is that objectively wrong?

 

I was raised in the 70s without sitters. My parents included us kids in everything, right up until bedtime. My H and I are pretty much the same, although now one of our kids is a teen which enables us to leave the kids at home alone sometimes for a date. It's still rare, because we like having family dinner every night.

 

Again, I think expectations play a big role, as well as how each person was raised and what is "normal" to them. My partner and I had similar parenting in this regard, so it was what we both expected when we had our own kids. It's not a matter of right/wrong, or good/bad spouse, but rather having the same expectations.

[autumnnight]

That question was asked in several forms. She thinks nothing had changed, yet her she is really good friends with a couple other MW there and they mentioned how much stuff they use to do together as a group that now once there were kids only he did.

 

One of the husbands commented about having talked to him a year or so before and her ex being upset because she would rarely even entertain the idea of a sitter, and every thing they did had to include the kids.

 

A couple who does not have any alone time cannot possible have av healthy actual marriage IMO. No exceptions.

[DKT3]

Is that objectively wrong?

 

I was raised in the 70s without sitters. My parents included us kids in everything, right up until bedtime. My H and I are pretty much the same, although now one of our kids is a teen which enables us to leave the kids at home alone sometimes for a date. It's still rare, because we like having family dinner every night.

 

Again, I think expectations play a big role, as well as how each person was raised and what is "normal" to them. My partner and I had similar parenting in this regard, so it was what we both expected when we had our own kids. It's not a matter of right/wrong, or good/bad spouse, but rather having the same expectations.

 

Wrong? Not at all.

 

The issue would have been if you two didn't agree. Whatever a couple decides to do with the marriage & family is great if it works.

 

For me its important to maintain something that looks like the marriage we had before kids even if its one day a month. I believe that my wife deserves time away from being a mom and feeling like the beautiful sexy woman she is.

[dichotomy]

That question was asked in several forms. She thinks nothing had changed, yet her she is really good friends with a couple other MW there and they mentioned how much stuff they use to do together as a group that now once there were kids only he did.

 

One of the husbands commented about having talked to him a year or so before and her ex being upset because she would rarely even entertain the idea of a sitter, and every thing they did had to include the kids.

 

 

Again that's the wife's answer, I really don't expect the husbands to be honest in front of them at a party.

 

We bought into our churches suggestion for "date nights" where we got a sitter (relative) to take the kid(s). This does help somewhat in keeping romance (frankly sex) possible, and some time as a couple. But again these are nothing like the dates we had while BF/GF....but at least there is an attempt at trying to keep something's going.

 

All this said - even as a husband - I do appreciate my wife being a good mom. In fact with all the issues we have had as husband and wife - her growth as mom (she has grown) is something I value in our marriage. If that makes sense.

[xxoo]

I believe that my wife deserves time away from being a mom and feeling like the beautiful sexy woman she is.

 

See, for me, these two are not in any conflict. I can feel beautiful and sexy and and be a mom all at once.

 

Examples from last week:

 

I wanted to buy a new bikini. H wants to go with me, so the youngest gets dragged along, too! H and the boy look at fun stuff in the store, and stay close to the dressing room to help me choose a sexy suit. Then we took the kid somewhere he wanted to go. It was fun.

 

We took the boy and the dog for a long walk. Boy goes ahead on his scooter, and we hold hands and chat behind him. It feels like a date to me!

 

We went out to a Mexican restaurant as a family. I decided to dress up, because I wanted to. It's the kind of restaurant where a woman can wear something tight and be appropriate, or just regular clothes. I put on some make up, wore an outfit that shows off my figure, and felt we had a great time. H got to see me in date clothes. We didn't sacrifice our family dinner.

 

He even holds my hand while he's driving

 

I think that's the essence: are you acting like you're in love, or not? If you're acting like you're in love, it doesn't matter if the kids are around or not. It's a great example for the kids to see mom and dad being romantic with each other.

[Clockwork]

A great mom does not make a great wife. Two different things. You would think they would intertwine and in general I would think if you are good at one you should be able to be good at the other but this isn't always true. There are women out there who are so focused on everything their children do and can't go a minute without talking about them that even their husbands suffer. Ladies, I get that the kids can be a burden on you, but if you are too "tired" to have sex with your husband then are you being a good wife? Serious question? Are you making time for him?

[lovinDKT3]

The 2 are different but they're dependent on each other. To me you have to be both. A good wife would also be a good mother. A good mother also has to be a good wife.

 

Mother that puts all of her energy in the kids but is not a loving and affectionate wife would not be a good mother. She would be putting the marriage at risk of temptation, which would damage the marriage hence damage the kids. This goes equally for men.

I agree with this. How can you be a great husband or wife if you don't show respect for their father or mother?

[Tayla]

A great mom does not make a great wife. Two different things. You would think they would intertwine and in general I would think if you are good at one you should be able to be good at the other but this isn't always true. There are women out there who are so focused on everything their children do and can't go a minute without talking about them that even their husbands suffer. Ladies, I get that the kids can be a burden on you, but if you are too "tired" to have sex with your husband then are you being a good wife? Serious question? Are you making time for him?

 

yes to be honest. if the husband is not even being a good father and only cares that his wife put out for him, then she is saving the family by stepping up to the plate in the parenting tasks. Intimacy can take many forms.... so if he isnt taking her kind gestures and quality time into account... then perhaps he bears some of the task to give her time to relax from her 36 hr day crammed into 18 hrs. A wife is his friend,partner,mate and a lady. Not sure i understand that she has a duty to satisfy him if he hasnt shown support across the board....there needs to be a shared balance on both parts of the family dynamics.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Well, being that a lot of relationships don't work either way...having a kid should in fact just make things more difficult and complicated, seems to be a factor that creates even further separation and resentment from what I've seen.

 

I don't see how being a mom would automatically contribute to a positive relationship, raising the kids is a mutual responsibility, and not as far as I can see connected to the romantic relationship between two people in an intimate way.

 

But I can definitely see women thinking in stages or phases...first it's about romance and sex/lust, then it's about the relationship, then it's about getting that marriage deal, then onto raising the kids, etc, it's all about "priorities"...the man might just be a byproduct and necessity to this dynamic, but not exactly in any terms the most important thing...therefore as long as he sticks around, does his part and contributes to what is satisfactory to the wife then they have a "good marriage" according to her. I don't really see women ever questioning or wondering if their partners are happy, they just kind of make a lot of assumptions with their own opinions and observations.

 

Could explain why guys might have a baby momma and then an actual wife without children, seems to be the dynamic of children changes the relationship in a big way, some obvious, others not so much...which can result at times leaving the man to feel like there's nothing left over in the day for him...not that I automatically side with the man, but I've seen women who were obsessive about their children and it didn't seem like they cared much about the husbands/partners needs, and then again I've seen the opposite...where women kick the kids to the curb, but they're usually single moms and searching for that perfect man still or trying to capture the one they got.

[Clockwork]

yes to be honest. if the husband is not even being a good father and only cares that his wife put out for him, then she is saving the family by stepping up to the plate in the parenting tasks. Intimacy can take many forms.... so if he isnt taking her kind gestures and quality time into account... then perhaps he bears some of the task to give her time to relax from her 36 hr day crammed into 18 hrs. A wife is his friend,partner,mate and a lady. Not sure i understand that she has a duty to satisfy him if he hasnt shown support across the board....there needs to be a shared balance on both parts of the family dynamics.

 

It cuts both ways. The title of the OP did ask if a great mom translates into a great wife. It doesn't necessarily. Same goes for a father and a husband. You can be a great dad, but a lousy husband. You always need to find the time with each other, or else you aren't being a very good married couple. If that means each of you had a role in the home in order to pitch in, then that's how it is. It was sort of implied that way. If you are both helping around the home, with the kids, the bills, etc., then it still is important to be intimate with each other.