utilisateur Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Hey everyone, I had an abusive childhood that made me essentially a loner until I was in sixth grade and started to slowly come out of my shell. So there are a lot of things I think are "obvious" to normal people but I have no clue about. What normally happens when one person has feelings for the other person but the other person only wants to be friends? Does the first person try to ask the other person out, confess their feelings, or try to put the moves (!) on the other person, and then get rejected? Then what happens? Do things get awkward? Does the second person no longer trust or feel comfortable around the first person? Or can things just go back to normal as though nothing happened, even if one person tried to kiss the other? There's this friend I fancy and I want to ask her out but I don't want her to start avoiding me and telling friends we have in common that I was being creepy to her. Is this being paranoid, or am I right to be afraid? Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 In this situation keep it low key. You need to ask or you will never know. But no pressure and keep it as a quiet simple ask. "I was wondering if you might like to go to the movies, just us, sometime?" Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 If you already know she just wants to be friends, you can't do anything about it. You can't make someone change their mind, and they rarely do change their mind about it. If you don't know she just wants to be friends, then do as Toodoloo said and just ask her out. It's usually best if you are having feelings for someone who doesn't like you that way to just get away from them and stay away from them. Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 You never know until you try. I think it starts with trusting yourself. No matter the response, you are ok, it's not the end all. How will you know if you do not speak your mind? Go lightly and have courage. If she is someone that you would like, why would she be someone to hurt you? Small chance of that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author utilisateur Posted March 31, 2015 Author Share Posted March 31, 2015 (edited) If you already know she just wants to be friends, you can't do anything about it. You can't make someone change their mind, and they rarely do change their mind about it. I know that, but my question is about whether it's worth finding out if she's open to dating me. If you don't know she just wants to be friends, then do as Toodoloo said and just ask her out. It's usually best if you are having feelings for someone who doesn't like you that way to just get away from them and stay away from them. The thread's question is: What are the stakes? I don't have a crush on her. It's not like me hanging around her will tear at my heart strings. I just happen to be really attracted to her personality and to a lesser extent, her looks. Edited March 31, 2015 by utilisateur Link to post Share on other sites
PinkElephants Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 I know that, but my question is about whether it's worth finding out if she's open to dating me. The question is: are you more afraid of losing her if it goes wrong or living with the "what ifs" of never asking? -One friend hit on me and it was so awkward the friendship ended -Two other friends asked me out/tried to kiss me. I light-heartedly said no, we laughed it off and both friendships continued. I introduced both of them to other girls that they wound up dating and I'm still friends with one of the guys 10 years later. -Two other friends hit on me and I was receptive. I had an intense fling with one which ended amicably and dated the other. The thread's question is: What are the stakes? What happens and if things get awkward depends on you and her; none of us can predict it. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 I know that, but my question is about whether it's worth finding out if she's open to dating me. The thread's question is: What are the stakes? I don't have a crush on her. It's not like me hanging around her will tear at my heart strings. I just happen to be really attracted to her personality and to a lesser extent, her looks. Oh, okay. Reading your original post it looked to me like you already knew she wasn't interested. So I guess you already have a friendship with her and don't want to ruin it by asking her out because then she might avoid you? I hope I have it right. If so, then that is a risk. Because one you know someone likes you romantically, it's awkward being around them. But as you say, you are not hung up on her and you think you would be okay if she says no. So in a case like that where your feelings have not gotten the better of you, ask her on a real date. Be clear it's a real date by doing all the traditional "date" things. Don't just hang out. Pick her up, knock on her door, drive her to a nice dinner or a movie, do gentlemanly touching, like guiding her down the movie aisle or to her chair at the table with your palm on her back lightly. Cuddle a little if you're at the movie and see if she pulls away or snuggles back. If she pulls away, probably she's not into dating you. If she snuggles in, give her a little mouth kiss when dropping her off at the door. Once you ask her out for a weekend night for a movie or dinner, she should know it's a date and may even ask "Are you asking me on a date," or something and make some comment that should tell you if this is good news or bad news to her. If she happens to sound like she wants it to be a friend thing, then just go as a friend this one time and then go back to how you were. Link to post Share on other sites
Author utilisateur Posted April 2, 2015 Author Share Posted April 2, 2015 Oh, okay. Reading your original post it looked to me like you already knew she wasn't interested. Yeah looking over my original post I can see why you'd think that. Bad wording on my part. [QUPTE=preraph] Pick her up, knock on her door, drive her to a nice dinner or a movie, do gentlemanly touching, like guiding her down the movie aisle or to her chair at the table with your palm on her back lightly. Cuddle a little if you're at the movie and see if she pulls away or snuggles back. If she pulls away, probably she's not into dating you. If she snuggles in, give her a little mouth kiss when dropping her off at the door. Wait, do people still drive women around these days? I guess it's different because I'm her friend, but if I was a woman I wouldn't feel comfortable giving someone I just met my home address. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 ^ Yeah, but you're a friend. I see your point. If it's a first meeting with someone you met on OLD, then no, the woman isn't going to want to give you her address and you'd just meet somewhere for a drink. But you know this one. For it to be a real date, you have to go get her like a proper gentleman! You want her to know it's a date. Link to post Share on other sites
imtooconfused Posted April 3, 2015 Share Posted April 3, 2015 (1) One friend hit on me and it was so awkward the friendship ended (2) Two other friends asked me out/tried to kiss me. I light-heartedly said no, we laughed it off and both friendships continued. I introduced both of them to other girls that they wound up dating and I'm still friends with one of the guys 10 years later. (3) Two other friends hit on me and I was receptive. I had an intense fling with one which ended amicably and dated the other. See, the stakes are all over the map. You honestly have to be ready for (1) to happen. It may not be your awkwardness that causes it to happen, but it can happen and I am living proof that you can get over it. So if you are willing to risk (1) to get to (3), then if you feel strongly about it, I feel it's worth the risk. Link to post Share on other sites
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