utilisateur Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Hi everyone, I've struggled with low self-esteem and self-confidence my whole life, and because of this, I don't have that much social experience. Lately I've been working hard to improve my self-esteem. For example, I take better care of myself and do volunteer work. The problem is, I still put virtually everyone on a pedestal. It's very hard for me to see other people as anything other than perfect. Whatever faults they have, I dismiss them as, oh that's their personality and quirks, which make them unique. On the other hand, I think of myself as damaged, mentally ill, possibly autistic, weird, and undeserving of anyone's affection. It's funny, but in a way I "dehumanize" other people by thinking of them as perfect. How can I get myself to see myself as EQUAL to other people, that they might be wanting my friendship as much as I want theirs? Sometimes, with the friends I do have, I think that either there must be something wrong with them for them to keep hanging out with me, or that if they knew who I really was, they would stop talking to me. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Hard concept to explain but live inside yourself more. IMO, you're out there too much. Warning: This could feel 'selfish' by comparison. That's something one has to work through, if felt. Finding a healthy balance of selfless and selfish in and of itself can be confidence inspiring. Tip: Since we can't read the minds of others, we have no way of knowing how they feel, what confidence they have, or not, and what they think of or feel about us. We can guess but that's colored by our own psychology. Hence, accept that and focus on other things in life and, in that vein, the here and now. Live in the moment to the best of your ability and the rest of the stuff will take care of itself. If friends come your way, bonus. A life partner or spouse, gift. A long and healthy life? I envy you. We make our world. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
regine_phalange Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Are your parents people pleasers? Has a parent treated random children nicer than they treated you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author utilisateur Posted March 30, 2015 Author Share Posted March 30, 2015 Are your parents people pleasers? Has a parent treated random children nicer than they treated you? I had a narcissistic mom who thought she was always right and that everyone who didn't like her was out to get her poor innocent self. She was the tyrant of the house and wouldn't take input from my dad or any of us kids. She presented a cheerful happy facade to the outside world while she psychologically and physically abused me and treated me as a scapegoat for whatever problems our family had. She treated my younger sister fine but would call me a piece of sh*t and punish me for the smallest mistake I made, telling me she wish I would never have been born and that she wishes that I could be like the normal kids (gee, I wonder why I wasn't?). I could never live up to her impossibly high standards that I would have to meet to escape punishment directed at me only. She ran an illegal daycare in our house. She would treat most of the kids right, but there would often be some kid she would pick on because they weren't of the same race as us. I think she was fine with most children but there were a minority who she would viciously abuse. Maybe we simply looked like someone she hated when she was a kid. Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Hi everyone, I've struggled with low self-esteem and self-confidence my whole life, and because of this, I don't have that much social experience. Lately I've been working hard to improve my self-esteem. For example, I take better care of myself and do volunteer work. The problem is, I still put virtually everyone on a pedestal. It's very hard for me to see other people as anything other than perfect. Whatever faults they have, I dismiss them as, oh that's their personality and quirks, which make them unique. On the other hand, I think of myself as damaged, mentally ill, possibly autistic, weird, and undeserving of anyone's affection. It's funny, but in a way I "dehumanize" other people by thinking of them as perfect. *How can I get myself to see myself as EQUAL to other people, that they might be wanting my friendship as much as I want theirs? Sometimes, with the friends I do have, I think that either there must be something wrong with them for them to keep hanging out with me, or that if they knew who I really was, they would stop talking to me. All in all Each man in all men all men in each man All being in each being Each being in all being All in each Each in all All distinctions are mind, by mind, in mind, of mind No distinctions no mind to distinguish - RD Laing, Knots. Link to post Share on other sites
bob the brave Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 I know this might sound weird, but just stop thinking about it. Just be yourself and enjoy the company. Link to post Share on other sites
Author utilisateur Posted April 2, 2015 Author Share Posted April 2, 2015 I know this might sound weird, but just stop thinking about it. Just be yourself and enjoy the company. I'm sorry to say this, but "be yourself" is a meaningless statement. I'm socially anxious, and being shy and scared is my natural state. Too bad that makes people avoid inviting me to do stuff. You know what's comfortable for me? Staying at home and pitying myself. That's how I chill out. I guess you can call that "being yourself" too. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 I'm sorry to say this, but "be yourself" is a meaningless statement. I'm socially anxious, and being shy and scared is my natural state. It's ok to be shy and scared. There is nothing weird or wrong in that. You don't have to try to make yourself not be shy and scared. You just have to make yourself go out anyway. Go out and be shy and scared. Eventually, you may become a little less scared, because you will know what to expect. You may still be shy - but that's OK. Shy isn't an ailment; it's a personality trait. And it's ok to be who you are. Your mom really effed you up. All those things you said she said and did - you just took over for her. You just started saying all those things to yourself. But you can see LOGICALLY that your mother was a very damaged person, right? You can see logically that she treated others poorly and that it was wrong. You can look back at yourself as a little kid, and hear the words she said to you, and know that they weren't true... right? If you can understand that on an intellectual level, you can get to a place where you understand it emotionally. It will take a lot of work and dedication, but you can overcome your mother. If you aren't ready or open to therapy, start reading. Read any article or book you can get your hands on about happiness, confidence, narcissism, overcoming abuse. Don't even think of it as about you... it's just learning. It's just gathering information and opinions, so you can expand your knowledge. You will start finding words and phrases that speak to you - that speak TRUTH to you - and you will slowly start becoming stronger. You like sitting at home alone. So make that work for you. Your childhood and past and mother and current life do NOT make you a loser. I am really sorry you had such a crappy mom. You can be ok though. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
regine_phalange Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 I'm also sorry that you had such a disturbed mother. Some people should never be parents Patterns in early life follow us for years to come. But the good news are that you're probably aware how this feeling started in the first place. This feeling, that other people are better than you, is nothing more than a habit. A bad habit that has nothing to do with your shyness and introversion and value as a person. Once you recognise this, your self-esteem will increase. It may take time though, to go through this process of identifying negative perceptions about yourself, finding explanations and moving on from these perceptions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author utilisateur Posted April 2, 2015 Author Share Posted April 2, 2015 It's ok to be shy and scared. There is nothing weird or wrong in that. You don't have to try to make yourself not be shy and scared. You just have to make yourself go out anyway. Go out and be shy and scared. Eventually, you may become a little less scared, because you will know what to expect. You may still be shy - but that's OK. Shy isn't an ailment; it's a personality trait. And it's ok to be who you are. ... You like sitting at home alone. So make that work for you. Your childhood and past and mother and current life do NOT make you a loser. I only like sitting at home alone because I don't have to deal with all the irrational negative thoughts about the smallest social gaffes ("you're a loser for asking her such an obvious question! you're never going to get a girlfriend!", "you forgot about his birthday! he's going to stop talking to you so you might as well start avoiding him now"). There's a possibility that the reason why I'm depressed is because I'm actually an extrovert but my negative thoughts keep me from going out and fulfilling my need to be social. Your mom really effed you up. All those things you said she said and did - you just took over for her. You just started saying all those things to yourself. But you can see LOGICALLY that your mother was a very damaged person, right? You can see logically that she treated others poorly and that it was wrong. You can look back at yourself as a little kid, and hear the words she said to you, and know that they weren't true... right? Like you said, I know that they aren't true on an intellectual level, but I've internalized my mom's negative self-esteem destroying criticism, and this criticism is automatic and happens right after I think I do something bad, and continues to keep coming up intrusively for hours and sometimes months, like a case of PTSD. Trying to fight the negative criticism with intellectual challenges (CBT) is like trying to block a punch after it lands on your head. Too late, the emotional damage has already been done. I am in therapy right now. I've been mentally ill since childhood. I really wish I could be a regular 29-yo person now. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 You said you chalk other people's faults up to personality quirks & such. So if you met yourself . . . or somebody exactly like you . . . from the outside how would you judge them? You need to learn to be easier & less harsh with yourself. I do the same thing. It's not that easy but you are your own worst critic. When you stop beating the snot out of yourself mentally things do get easier. Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 How can I get myself to see myself as EQUAL to other people, that they might be wanting my friendship as much as I want theirs? Sometimes, with the friends I do have, I think that either there must be something wrong with them for them to keep hanging out with me, or that if they knew who I really was, they would stop talking to me. You are ordinary. Everyone else is ordinary. Ordinary is good. Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 How can I get myself to see myself as EQUAL to other people, that they might be wanting my friendship as much as I want theirs? Sometimes, with the friends I do have, I think that either there must be something wrong with them for them to keep hanging out with me, or that if they knew who I really was, they would stop talking to me. Put your own needs ahead of others in a way that allows you to have compassion for yourself. No one belongs on a pedestal because we are all human beings with flaws. No one is better than the other person. Wipe the word "perfection" from your psyche. It's a misnomer because it doesn't exist and it's not a state of being to strive for. The state of being to really strive for? Balance. In all areas of your life. Only then will you feel and see yourself as EQUAL to other people, who will want your friendship because they like you for who you truly are, because you like yourself. Did you ever notice how many characters on Sesame Street exhausted themselves when they had scenes with Oscar the Grouch - the King of Self-Loathing? I mean, no one wanted to be friends with that grouch. Even the cohosts grimaced through their songs with Oscar. Can you blame them? He is no picnic to be around. There is nothing wrong with you except for the distorted thinking you've let cloud your perception of your own reality where your social life is concerned. Your friends aren't social workers paid to come spend time with you. They spend time with you because they obviously like you. I think if you start by acknowledging the distorted thinking you have going on, and figure out a way to reframe your thinking to be more positive, more realistic, more forgiving then you will feel lighter. You will feel a lot better about yourself and your social life. People can sense despair and depression from other people they meet in person, and tend not to gravitate towards that person unless they are trying to form a Goth band (see: The Cure). Seriously though. Like attracts like. Your negative thoughts may attract negative people and negative experiences into your life. The only way to combat this purple haze of gloom (see: Jimi Hendrix) is to reframe, reframe, reframe. Cognitive Therapy is one way to do it. The book "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy" by Dr. David Burns is a great book to start with, if you like to read. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
regine_phalange Posted April 3, 2015 Share Posted April 3, 2015 The book "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy" by Dr. David Burns is a great book to start with, if you like to read. Very nice recommendation writergal (it wasn;t intended for me, but I was curious) I started reading it now. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 I grew up as a socially awkward kid that was withdrawn and never really even communicated with anyone...I found things I was good at and tried to be the very best I can with them...It worked...I mean, I may still not be the life of the party, but I have value in the things I know and how I have implemented them in my daily life.... And so can everyone else... Remember this...When Bill Gates, Le Bron James, or anyone else of high prominence is at their death bed, they are no better than a homeless guy in the gutter at the same point in his life...Point is really, what makes them "better"..than anyone else? Different choices, perhaps...Sometimes is just that the "planets align" for some of these people...Dont get hung up on it... TFY Link to post Share on other sites
SpiralOut Posted April 6, 2015 Share Posted April 6, 2015 (edited) I feel like I am reading my own thoughts. These are the thoughts I have had nearly all my life and I never knew how to articulate them the way you just did. I am not sure what happened exactly to make me realize that other people aren't perfect, but one day a switch went off in my head. I went through a period of intense anger at other people for being "allowed" to be flawed. Why is it okay for someone to be flawed in a certain way, and still be loved and have a good life, while it's not okay for me? I really hated those people. Over time, I began to accept them and forgive them. Not all of them, but some of them. After that, it became easier to forgive myself. I still don't always see myself as being equal with others but there are moments where I do. Those moments happen more and more often. You need to find a way to pull people off their pedestals, to acknowledge they are not that different from yourself. I don't know if there's a way to avoid feeling angry in the process, so I can't really give advice on how to do that but you're certainly not alone in feeling this way. I will give my usual advice to try yoga - not as the main solution, but as something that may help. It encourages self-acceptance and self-love. Edited April 6, 2015 by SpiralOut Link to post Share on other sites
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