Wife Co-workers

[aliveagain]

One more little point I want to make about your wife driving off with a male co-worker in just her bikini. Pool parties always have alcohol, for some reason none of the wives were there, was the guy throwing the party not married, why was his wife not there? It didn't sound like your wife cared about you attending because she didn't push for it too hard. Bikini, alcohol, your wife was the hit of the party sitting on laps of men with basically just their underwear on. She had to drive home with some guy who's been drinking in just her bikini.

[autumnnight]

Be sure to shout at her, install a keylogger, hire a PI, install a VAR in her car, get all phone records, write to the HR director, post the pictures and your feelings on Facebook, and take her to get STD tested.

[Arieswoman]

OP,

 

My wife left only wearing a bikini. I did not think too much of it as I figured it's a pool party.

 

Whaaaaat?!

 

This is a red flag flapping enough to stampede a herd of bison !

 

Please wake up and smell the coffee.

[happyman64]

Bryan

 

Wanna know what the key is to a happy, long marriage?

 

Open, honest, forthright communication between you and your spouse.

 

If what she did makes you uncomfortable then say something.

 

And what she did makes me uncomfortable.

 

AliveAgain is right. Set your boundaries. Make them clear to your wife and that she agrees to them.

 

Otherwise, you will be in a world of trouble in the future.

 

Take it from a silver haired 50yo sales man. I can sell them anything. Especially to a woman half my age.

 

I choose not to because I am happy.

 

Those other guys might not feel the same way.

 

Be smart and communicate with your wife.

 

HM

[Imajerk17]

I think this situation is really wrong. Even if "nothing had happened" and you had proof of that "nothing had happened", I still think this situation is really wrong. (Which something did, your wife sat in these guys' laps. They enjoyed it because your wife is an attractive woman. I get their is a possibility that your wife allowed this because she sees these guys as "harmless", but it is still bad.)

 

A big part of a serious relationship--especially marriage--is RESPECT. A lot of people define "being respectful to your partner" though, as not crossing certain physical or emotional boundaries. As in, a woman can go over to a guy's house and drink with him but as long as they don't kiss and she ever doesn't put down her primary partner, she is OK. I disagree with this, as I think there is more to being respectful to your partner. To show respect to your partner and your relationship, you also do what you can to avoid putting yourself in situations that even LOOK bad.

 

By taking a ride from a guy dressed in her bikini to a party w alcohol and all those guys, your wife didn't do that.

 

I think you need to have a talk with your wife about how this situation bothered you. Maybe not in an accusing way--you share some responsibility by not saying something before--but just to let her know that you don't want this happening again.

Edited March 30, 2015 by Imajerk17

[atreides]

I think this situation is really wrong. Even if "nothing had happened" and you had proof of that "nothing had happened", I still think this situation is really wrong. (Which something did, your wife sat in these guys' laps. They enjoyed it because your wife is an attractive woman. I get their is a possibility that your wife allowed this because she sees these guys as "harmless", but it is still bad.)

 

A big part of a serious relationship--especially marriage--is RESPECT. A lot of people define "being respectful to your partner" though, as not crossing certain physical or emotional boundaries. As in, a woman can go over to a guy's house and drink with him but as long as they don't kiss and she ever doesn't put down her primary partner, she is OK. I disagree with this, as I think there is more to being respectful to your partner. To show respect to your partner and your relationship, you also do what you can to avoid putting yourself in situations that even LOOK bad.

 

By taking a ride from a guy dressed in her bikini to a party w alcohol and all those guys, your wife didn't do that.

 

I think you need to have a talk with your wife about how this situation bothered you. Maybe not in an accusing way--you share some responsibility by not saying something before--but just to let her know that you don't want this happening again.

 

 

This is so spot on, it goes in line with much of what i argue on specific types of GNO(both sexes) and other "activities" as in not about trust but that the respect should not have to come into question. Essentially the argument is "i want the tease but would never do anything" = disrespect to a committed relationship.

[AlwaysGrowing]

As an older woman who has worked in a male dominated field, my advice to all women is this....your choice is to be either viewed as a sexual being or respected as an equal. Being viewed as a sexual being has a shelf life (until the next new cute hire or time). Being respected as an equal last ones whole career.

 

I know others have pointed out how this behaviour was disrespectful to the H/marriage. What I want to point out is that first and foremost it was disrespectful to this young woman, even if she signed up for it. She was used/perceived/treated like an unpaid lap dancer. It was not a compliment to her, it was putting her in a certain category of women. Not a category that one of those men would want their own wife/daughter/sister/mother in.

[2.50 a gallon]

My story is similar to yours. We were newly married.

Prior to marriage I helped her get thru college, meaning she worked very little, I paid all the bills, and having attended college myself was able to help her with her studies. Especially with her history and biology classes.

We married shortly after she graduated with a degree in electronics. And immediately was offered a career job with a Fortune 100 company, where she was the first woman to work in her department. And she too was a looker.

It did not take long before I began to hear how the guys at work were so nice, and how they had accepted her within their ranks. How Joe said this, or Sam said that.

As you I was not in the least jealous. It was she who had chased me for 3 years and it was she who asked me to marry her.

But over a short time, things became personal, we fought about how we were going to spend our money, etc. It soon became apparent that her male co-workers had gotten in her ear. And shortly after that the situation became hopeless, I was fighting not one OM but a small army of OM's. There was not a thing I could do or say, that one of her co-workers could not find away to spin into a negative. One day I would be cold hearted and emotionally unavailable, and the next I was too emotional, too clingy

[BryanGuy]

I did not know she would be the only female in a bikini. In the past she went to similar function/parties with and without me, I assumed wives and girl friends would be there. It was only after I saw the FB page that it all came together. later, I tried to look to see if there were more pictures but she had logged out. We are friends on FB but we don't know each others password. She will know I spied on her. If I confront her and she admits it fine, but what if she gets defensive? She could easily tell her co-worker to take down the pictures.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Two BIG prerequisites for a work place affair are already in place

 

1 - Poor boundaries

2 - Need for external validation (from men)

 

She is an Affair waiting to happen. If nothing changes then it is just a matter of time.

[tom670]

First off nip this now.

You should have each others passwords.

Now if she gets defensive then there may be more to the story already.

[atreides]

I did not know she would be the only female in a bikini. In the past she went to similar function/parties with and without me, I assumed wives and girl friends would be there. It was only after I saw the FB page that it all came together. later, I tried to look to see if there were more pictures but she had logged out. We are friends on FB but we don't know each others password. She will know I spied on her. If I confront her and she admits it fine, but what if she gets defensive? She could easily tell her co-worker to take down the pictures.

 

You saw what you saw, who cares if they take down the pictures. If she gets defensive and you were civil in your conversation with her, then she feels guilty for her behavior and not good. Don't attack her, but you now need to lay down the boundaries you expect.

 

Maybe it's just me, but not knowing social site passwords is an agreed no no in my marriage. Going to parties were i am not invited (rides by male co-workers) and (where you may not know but your wife fully does) as in almost all male and sitting on their laps, my wife would know is crossing an agreed boundary.

 

So going forward, whatever you are comfortable with, set some new ground rules that you are also willing to respect as well. Don't be lax about it, being too lax will just giver her permission to do it again.

[katielee]

We are friends on FB but we don't know each others password. She will know I spied on her. If I confront her and she admits it fine, but what if she gets defensive? She could easily tell her co-worker to take down the pictures.

 

ask for her password and look at them together. My guess - she already has one guy singled out to impress.

[aliveagain]

Any function that won't allow a spouse to attend should be an automatic decline, that's you or her. You need to take a more active role in her out of the home activities. Once the boys night out/ girls night out, private company functions start it's tough to stop. You need boundaries in place as to what is acceptable behavior. Friend, seeing her get in a car with a man you don't know wearing just a bikini is acceptable? Really? What if she had to find her own way home? Your marriage is on the edge, time for some grown up changes.

[TexasMan68]

You made many mistakes.

 

 

You let your wife go dressed the way she did just in a bikini.

 

 

You let her go alone.

 

 

You let her get picked up by another man as if it was a date.

 

 

You let her go to party where there was a bunch of men and 1 older woman.

 

 

You failed to realize that her getting dressed hotter for work means she is being hit on and enjoying it.

 

 

You fail to see her being passed around from lap to lap was those men not being respectful to your marriage.

 

 

You fail to see your wife willingly allow herself to get passed around from lap to lap is her being disrespectful to you.

 

 

I hope that,

 

 

You do not fail to put your foot down and today is the day your wife leaves that job because that place is a toxic environment to marriages.

 

 

About the only thing you missed was giving her a pack of condoms for the party!!

[cgiles]

If I confront her and she admits it fine, but what if she gets defensive? She could easily tell her co-worker to take down the pictures.

 

If she does that, do you want kids with her ?

 

You need to face reality.

 

The world is not a happy place. Happyness needs to be fight for.

 

Love yourself, be ready to find out if she worths to be your wife or not.

[Mazerati]

I did not know she would be the only female in a bikini. In the past she went to similar function/parties with and without me, I assumed wives and girl friends would be there. It was only after I saw the FB page that it all came together. later, I tried to look to see if there were more pictures but she had logged out. We are friends on FB but we don't know each others password. She will know I spied on her. If I confront her and she admits it fine, but what if she gets defensive? She could easily tell her co-worker to take down the pictures.

 

I understand the dictionary has now added your photo and name to the definition of the word naive.

Methinks you ASSuME to much. Your wife has disrespected you, and your marriage. Regardless if the pictures are deleted you saw what you saw. Why are you acting so cowardly? Are you listening to the good advice, or pulling our chain? You need access to her FB account immediately, and if she refuses, now you can ASSuME the worst.

She will know you spied on her? SO WHAT!!

Man up, a monogamous married woman would not go to a party like that without her husband, and then to find out no other wives or girlfriends were there, just YOUR wife. Plain and simple. She was the entertainment, and probably in the past too. Lord have mercy.

 

I cannot believe your naivety.

 

Maz

[Artie Lang]

if this situation bothers you and/or makes you uncomfortable, why not bring it to her attention?

[Try]

I did not know she would be the only female in a bikini.

The wives of most 50 year old men rarely wear bikini's, and your wife knew this. Also that does not explain going there with another man in only a bikini, or posing for pictures sitting on their laps with their arms around her. These guys were getting pictures to show off to their friends and your wife loved the attention. Additionally, you know only of the pictures that were posted. What of the pictures that she asked them not to post?

[autumnnight]

if this situation bothers you and/or makes you uncomfortable, why not bring it to her attention?

 

 

This is good solid advice. Talk to her honestly. Agree on boundaries. Finding a good divorce lawyer is ridiculously premature, burying your head in the sand is reckless.

[fivejcb]

bryanguy

 

Take it from someone who's been through 25 years of this, fix it now or keep paying the price and suddenly your almost 50 and facing D. FIX IT NOW!

[merrmeade]

You made many mistakes.

You let your wife go dressed the way she did just in a bikini.

You let her go alone.

You let her get picked up by another man as if it was a date.

You let her go to party where there was a bunch of men and 1 older woman.

You failed to realize that her getting dressed hotter for work means she is being hit on and enjoying it.

You fail to see her being passed around from lap to lap was those men not being respectful to your marriage.

You fail to see your wife willingly allow herself to get passed around from lap to lap is her being disrespectful to you.

I hope that,

You do not fail to put your foot down and today is the day your wife leaves that job because that place is a toxic environment to marriages.

Wow, awesome post. If OP doesn't get it from that (and all the rest), don't know what will get it across.

[merrmeade]

I did not know she would be the only female in a bikini. In the past she went to similar function/parties with and without me, I assumed wives and girl friends would be there. It was only after I saw the FB page that it all came together. later, I tried to look to see if there were more pictures but she had logged out. We are friends on FB but we don't know each others password. She will know I spied on her. If I confront her and she admits it fine, but what if she gets defensive? She could easily tell her co-worker to take down the pictures.

SO WHAT??? Why can't you have her passwords and she, yours?? Why aren't you transparent in the first place? And has she not given you the right to spy on her? Show her this thread for pete's sake!

[spanz1]

If you believe that she's clueless and naive then I have a bridge to sell you.

 

She knows exactly what she's doing, and loves it.

 

she does. but it does not necessarily mean it is the end of days! she might just enjoy flirting, but be completely loyal to you. she might be teasing YOU to see how you would react. or she MAY be allowing these men to hit on her because she IS cruising for a hookup.

 

You need to figure out what it is, and deal with it appropriately. for one thing.....go along next time there is any sort of office party, or send along your sister or something.

 

2nd tell her your feelings. if she completely blows it off, like YOU are the one with a problem....then start digging....that would be a red flag

[VeryBrokenMan]

My wife who is 30 started a new job a few months ago. She is a receptionist for a building supply company. She is only one of 2 females (the other one is about 50) and most of the males co-workers are 50+. I have notice that her work outfits are getting sexier and shes doing her makeup more often. I figure she just likes the attention her male co-workers and clients must be giving her. Last week one of her co-workers had a swim and Bar-B-Q party. I was busy working on her car, so one of her co-workers picked her up. My wife left only wearing a bikini. I did not think too much of it as I figured it's a pool party. A few days ago, I found pictures taken of the party by the only other female co-worker on her FB. It looked like other than that female, she was the only other female there, and basically every guy had their picture taken with her. There was nothing bad, most of the guys had there arm around her and she sat on a few laps. I am not the jealous type but is it strange I am not more upset? I think if the guys were younger I would be, but most are old and fat. I don't think she would fall for any of them. I also wonder if I should discreetly talk to the other female co-worker?

 

I could have written this about my wife. My wife loves the attention of other men and always has. Wearing a bikini around guys is a sure fire way of getting attention. I would not worry too much about her being unfaithful at this point but I'd calmly ask her about it and tell her how you feel. Talk to her about how it makes you feel(insecure, jealous) when she acts like that and don't make demands and it will get you far.