Regret Cheating

[Crys]

Help me!

I cheated on my boyfriend of almost 5 years last year. Our relationship previous to the cheating was not that great, I loved him, but he was very depressed and for almost 5 months he didnt touch me in bed.

 

He was physically and emotionally withdrawn from me. Our living siutation was like we were roommates and not dating at all. He was unemployed and looking for a job. My brother was going through a really hard time and he had been living with us for a few months. My boyfriend wanted him out and I wanted him to stay until he got back on his feet.

 

I started talking to a co-worker (male) about my problems at home. He seemed very understanding and wiliing to talk to me about any and everything. The co-worker and I had been friends for awhile. One thing lead to another and one evening when mny boyfriend and I were fighting over soemthing, I went over to the co-workers house to get emotional support.

 

One thing lead to another and I slept with him. The relationship was bad and at first even though I knew it was wrong, I thought my boyfriend had fallen out of love with me and the emotional attention was nice.

 

My boyfriend got a good job and his mood changed, although we still had problems, (he has a problem with anger management) it was getting better. I had sex with the coworker approximatley 3 times before I "ended it". This was in March or April and the whole summer went by and I didnt have any kind of sexual contact with the co-worker... although we talked some at work.

 

The co-worker started saying that he loved me and he wanted to kill himself if he couldnt have me. He started threating to tell my boyfriend if I didnt continue sleeping with him, and although I SHOULD NOT HAVE, i done it anyway. It happened a few more times and I hated everytime. I was to chicken **** to jsut let him do what he was going to do. I ended it again in NOV of last year (total number of times we slept together was 10 - 12) and I stuck to it.

 

He still threatned but, this time I told him to do whatever it was that he needed to do. He tried to OD on Dec 5 and he called me to tell me he had taken the pills and I went over to his house. I called 911. At the hospital he asked to see me when I went in he started beggin me to be with him again. I said no, told him that I loved my boyfriend and that I had made a big mistake. I left.

 

A week after that he went out-of-state to stay with a family memeber and get some treatment. A month later he resigned from the place I work for and not surprisingly my boyfriend got an email from a "random' person telling him everything. (Around end of Jan this year) When my boyfriend ask me about it , I was honest. I told him everything. He was DEVESTATED, it killed me to see him hurt like that. We each had our moms over and we decided to get some counseling.

 

We were going to try to work it out. We have been in counseling since and things were going ok, not great but ok, considering what I had done to him. I flet we were making progress. To make a long story short, he broke up with me yesterday almost 3 months after it has happened. He says that he doesnt think he can get over it and that he thinks about it all the time.

 

I know what you are thinking, only one day jsut give it some time, but I know when he is serious and when he isnt- he is complelty serious. I LOVE HIM MORE THAN ANYTING IN THE WORLD, I WOULD DO ANYTHING TO WORK THIS OUT. I know what I done was wrong and I have said so much to him 1,000 times over. I have begged for his forgivness and tried to reassure him that it will never happen again, but he says its not worth it... he wants to move on. I can't bear this. I need some advice, please.

[GirlDown]

after a fight with your boyfriend, you went to get "emotional support" from your friendly male co-worker

 

your boyfriend can bear this even less than you can. you've got a long road ahead of you. you can ask for his forgiveness, but your relationship will never be the same.

 

if anything, maybe you've learned something from this experience. that's the only good that will come out of this.

[Crys]

I had previously tried talking to him about our problems, but it was like he wasnt interested at all.

[Moose]

Listen, you can't expect him to forgive and forget overnight. This is going to take a lot of hard work, and a lot of time for him to ever trust you again. You really hurt him........you know that already, I know.....the best thing for you to do is let him alone. He's going to have get over this on his own. If you push yourself on him, he'll distance himself further away from you. Give him time to heal, and if he chooses to come back, great.....if not, you gotta pay if you're gonna play.

[Crys]

I know I have to accept the consequences. It's just so hard. I love him with all my heart, and I know that we could get through it if we could jsut work on it!

[westernxer]

I started talking to a co-worker (male) about my problems at home. He seemed very understanding and wiliing to talk to me about any and everything. The co-worker and I had been friends for awhile. One thing lead to another and one evening when mny boyfriend and I were fighting over soemthing, I went over to the co-workers house to get emotional support.

 

One thing lead to another and I slept with him. The relationship was bad and at first even though I knew it was wrong, I thought my boyfriend had fallen out of love with me and the emotional attention was nice.

 

That's why I'd never trust my girlfriend to hang out with male co-workers. Guys are never friends just to be friends... they're always waiting for a crack to slip through, unless they're too chicken to seal the deal. Take it from a guy who knows.

 

Right now your boyfriend needs time. Being jobless must have hit him hard... society doesn't smile kindly on men who aren't working, even if they're making an honest effort to find work. I know because I'm in the same boat, but I'm trying to stay positive despite all the near misses.

 

Doesn't sound like you and the boyfriend were ready for something serious in the first place, if all these other things were getting in the way. Give him some time to be on his own, and don't beg... it makes you look more despicable. Just realize he may never give you a second chance. It doesn't mean you can't make a comeback with someone else. After all, you're gaining valuable experience, and it'll make you a better person in the long run.

[Crys]

I have already begged. I feel terrible!

[GirlDown]

Originally posted by westernxer

That's why I'd never trust my girlfriend to hang out with male co-workers. Guys are never friends just to be friends... they're always waiting for a crack to slip through, unless they're too chicken to seal the deal. Take it from a guy who knows.

so...where do you work....?

 

[Cecelius]

Chances are strong, depending on the guy, that this is over and done with. He apparently had a lot of stamina, though, if he actually thought about it for a few months; I probably would have been done the night you didn't get home.

 

I really don't know what to tell you though, other than that he really needs to figure it out for himself. Having sex with another man is really the ABSOLUTE worst thing you can do to a man; most guys would rather find out you just fell in love with someone else.

 

He feels humiliated, impotent and like a fool, and worse, he feels like a chump the longer he stays with you. He probably worries that other people know about this and is embarrased or ashamed to be associated with it. He feels this way because, among other reasons, he found out about it from an email. Lastly, he may have mentally put you into an entirely different category of human being: cheater.

 

Also, GirlDown put it pretty well: It's hard to read posts where a dude's greatest sin is that he wasn't emotionally available (because he was jobless and worried about how you thought of him then).

 

I'd back off from him, and let him come to you.

[westernxer]

so...where do you work....?

 

Not in that place anymore, thank goodness.

 

I was actually very professional, but the men around me were a sight to see, especially when a new lady walked through the door. If we hired her, watch out.

 

I'm not saying I wasn't tempted, but I did take my job very seriously and kept flirtation to a minimum. Come to think of it, I hardly ever spoke to the women in the office, just so I could protect myself.

 

Anyway, back to the topic at hand... *cough*

[GirlDown]

Originally posted by westernxer

 

 

 

 

Anyway, back to the topic at hand... *cough*

 

 

[westernxer]

Originally posted by Crys

I have already begged. I feel terrible!

 

Well, you're among friends now, Crys. Just live and learn, which you're certainly doing. That's why we're so eager to offer you our two cents on the matter.

[Crys]

Thanks all of you. I appreciate it. I just feel like crap now and I needed to type it or say it or something.

 

Thanks again.... It's nice that there is a place like this where people can go!

[laRubiaBonita]

if you regreted it soooo bad, why did you not tell him right away?

i am sure it would have hurt your bf then, but it hurts worse when you find out someone you trust and love has been lying to you for months.

 

did you not feel bad until you got caught?

[Crys]

Yes, I felt bad. I tried to tell him several times, but chickened out. I got very depressed because of it.

[laRubiaBonita]

the best thing, as most other have said, would be to let him have some time. tell him you are avaliable, if he wants to talk to you, and let him be.

[SueBee3490]

Crys,

 

I'll add my 2 cents to this.

 

I'm in the same boat as your boyfriend. I'm the one who was cheated on. A poster on here thinks it's the worse for a man to think about their gf or wife sleeping with another man - well it's just as bad for the woman to have all those images of their bf or husband in bed with other women while she is sitting at home.

 

A little background on my situation - I met my H online and we started dating. After 2 1/2 years of dating each other exclusively we got married. About 3 months after getting married, I found out he had been cheating on me alot during the time we were dating. I found out about this in January 2003, so I've had a long long time to think this over.

 

I totally understand your boyfriend's feelings. It feels like the world has come crashing down on him. The world as he knew it doesn't exist. He doesn't know what is real or not. My husband, like you, is very sorry and remorseful but I just can't seem to shake the feeling that he could do this to me. I've told my husband that even if I never found out what he was doing, doesn't he have a conscience? Doesn't he know right from wrong? Even if he didn't love me, he at least owed me some respect. I even jumped on him that he put my health at risk. He could have caught something from one of these women and then gave it to me. That made me the maddest. So I am sorry he feels this way but people who cheat do not understand the enormous heartache they put on the other person.

 

My husband wants to stay together but because he will not go to counseling with me, I don't want to continue with him. I think if you want to help your bf, continue with the counseling to show him you want this relationship to work. When he asks questions, answer them truthfully. The more you get angry or act as though it doesn't matter now - the more he will think you are hiding something else. Any books, articles, counselors will tell you that the MINIMAL amount of time for a person to deal with this kind of emotional pain is 2 years. That's minimal - your bf can forgive but will never forget. Even if I stayed with my husband, it will never be the same again. I blindly trusted him and will never do that again. You say your boyfriend just found out? There's a long road ahead of you. He will get angry, yell, cry, call you names or the other guy names. I've done all of this.

 

Some people who have been cheated on can put it behind them and others can't. In case you don't stay together at least this is a learning lesson for you that the next relationship you are in - try to keep the communication lines open. I wish my husband would have told me how he felt. I thought we were fine - we had ups and downs like everyone else but I was happy and in love.

 

Sorry this is so long. Good luck and if you truly are sorry - I hope it turns out for the best for you.

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

It looks like you will simply have to face the consequences of your actions.

Your boyfriend is probably asking himself the following:

1) how could I ever trust her again

2) she had no intention of ever telling me the truth and was not honest about it

3) what a great liar she was able to be

4) she had sex at least 12 times putting my health at great risk.

5) why would I ever feel special toward you and the relationship.

6) once a cheater always a cheater

7) it was not a one time thing. It was twelve separate occassions which means you deliberately regardless of the reasons consented to have sex with another man and betray and humiliate your boyfriend.

 

I am just saying these are some of the things he is probably thinking about over and over. One time would be difficult but twelve separate times? It sounds like it is way too much. Hopefully you will learn in your next relationship what not to do. I wish you luck.

 

P.S. How would you be feeling if your boyfriend had sex twelve times with another girl behind your back and put your health at risk?

[Crys]

I can only imagine how he is feeling. I just love him and I think that I deserve another chance. Maybe I don't, but that is how I feel. I don't try to defend myself much in this situation. I admitted what I done and I have told him that I know it was wrong, regardless of how our relationship was. I don't know how I would feel if it happened to me, but I do not that you lose all your self esteem when your boyfriend of over 3 years (at the time) doesn't want to touch you in bed for over 5 months, it doesnt make it right to cheat, I KNOW THIS..... but it still makes it rough. I should have broken up with him when he was doing this to me, not cheated!

 

Thanks for everything guys. I appreciate all the opinions. I just have to be strong and like you all said, even if he doesnt come back, I've learned a valuable lesson. Thank goodness for good family and friends!!!

 

[harleygirl92156]

I am on the other side of this situation. I am the one who was cheated on. Let me tell you what your boyfriend is going through. He loved you and you made a fool of him by sneaking around behind his back. Then you told him, but only when you had no choice, you were already backed into a corner. When he was told it was true he felt physically ill, he couldn't eat or sleep and his brain was engulfed with images of you and this other man having sex. It is awful! You just want to forget it happened and he is just wishing he could forget it happened and get the awful degrading images out of his head.

You can tell him a million times how sorry you are, but he won't believe you. You can feel bad, you can work on the relationship, you can swear you will do whatever it takes, but let me tell you, there is NOTHING you can do to change the feelings you have dumped on your boyfriend. Everytime you touch him, everytime you kiss him, everytime he watches you undress for bed, he wonders did you touch him that way, did you kiss him that way, did you undress for him like that, he can't look at you without seeing you in the other mans embrace having sex.

So, you need to do something right for this relationship and release him from the pain you have inflicted on him and let him move on to someone who can treat him with love, RESPECT and devotion. Do not try and keep him trapped in a relationship that causes him undo pain for your own selfish reasons.

When you cheat you give up your rights in the relationship, willingly, so now you must do what is right and let him go. He doesn't deserve to live his life wonder, forever wondering when the next time will be.

Take your hard knocks, take responsiblility for your actions and realize you lost this one and try and do it right next time.

Oh, by the way, you saying the other man forced you to have sex with him is bull****. You chose to do it. If you really didn't want to, you would have went right to your boyfriend and told him the truth. That way you would have earned your boyfriends trust because you were honest without being forced and you wouldn't have had to ENDURE so many more sexual episodes with the other man. Take a good look at what you wrote and you will see how flimsy your excuse for the additional sexual meetings sounds.

Do I sound hard, yes, do I think people cheat and then try and blame it on everyone else so they don't have to take responsiblity for their own actions, you bet I do.

Move on, and let the poor man alone. You have hurt him enough. Move on to your next victim.

[mental_traveller]

It's called payback. Suck it up like an adult, then get on with your life. Oh, and when you have a problem with your next bf, try to talk it out before looking for "emotional support" in a co-worker's bedroom.