lisbon67 Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 I've recently finished my own thread on here....and I discovered my wife's affair.Dday was only 2 weeks ago. We re just waiting on the divorce certificate to come through...any day now. But we re both still living in the same house. I don't think I've really got to any anger stage. ..I hope I never get this !! What I want to ask is this?? Once she is GONE....will it be easier for me to stop thinking about all the details? What they actually did together. ..for 3 months. ..roughly twice a week. I hope once she is kicked into touch...The thoughts will lessen too...is this the case ?? Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 My two cents. Without kids - in a year or so you may loose the anger, With kids (connection to ex)...unknown. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lisbon67 Posted March 30, 2015 Author Share Posted March 30, 2015 (edited) My two cents. Without kids - in a year or so you may loose the anger, With kids (connection to ex)...unknown. .....We don't have any kids together. I think this is because I was always troubled about her affair....for last neatly 12 years...but only found outfor definite just over 2 weeks ago..... I'm a bit sick...and off work with depression and anxiety. ..long term... But I haven't hit any real Anger..stage as such. ...though I am devastated of course. If I get angry and ask questions. .she just gets even angrier. ...starts shouting. ..then walks away... So no point really...? Edited March 30, 2015 by lisbon67 3 Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 I had a certain level of peace and calm when he moved out. Not having to see him all the time nor talk to him (texting only) was a relief. The thoughts and hurt only got better with time. Find some new interest to focus on and be kind to yourself. I hope you find your peace. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 .....We don't have any kids together. I think this is because I was always troubled about her affair....for last neatly 12 years...but only found outfor definite just over 2 weeks ago..... I'm a bit sick...and off work with depression and anxiety. ..long term... But I haven't hit any real Anger..stage as such. ...though I am devastated of course. If I get angry and ask questions. .she just gets even angrier. ...starts shouting. ..then walks away... So no point really...? After my first marriage ended with WW, I was severaly depressed for over a year, and missed some work as well. I was in therapy and took meds, but the doctors told me it would just take time. I remember when it started to end for me, under unusual occurrence, but basically I found myself and my freedom to be me and not part of two. Anger I think is better than depression I think and if you can move to that instead of sorrow it is better for a short period. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lisbon67 Posted March 30, 2015 Author Share Posted March 30, 2015 Thanks Yeah I hope I find this peace sooner rather than later.... I'm dreading her to continue living locally...its quite a small town....even when she moves out.... I'm not sure about the anger thing... when I see any triggers to sex on TV or elsewhere. ..I feel anger for ger... she won't tell any details of the actual sex.. And haven't asked tbh....too painful Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 How/why did your WW confess? Why has your WW not moved out? Since D day what has your WW done anything to stay in your life? Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 While you're living in the same house you will find it exponentially harder to move on. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lisbon67 Posted March 30, 2015 Author Share Posted March 30, 2015 After my first marriage ended with WW, I was severaly depressed for over a year, and missed some work as well. I was in therapy and took meds, but the doctors told me it would just take time. I remember when it started to end for me, under unusual occurrence, but basically I found myself and my freedom to be me and not part of two. Anger I think is better than depression I think and if you can move to that instead of sorrow it is better for a short period. How/why did your WW confess? Why has your WW not moved out? Since D day what has your WW done anything to stay in your life? Hi all the answers to this are in the thread I've recently finished. ..Divorce or try to stay" But basically the admitted it only 2 weeks ago while very drunk She continuing drinking but not really trying to save marriage No apology. ..not even once She doesn't know where to live....and I can't kick her out on street....?? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 She doesn't know where to live....and I can't kick her out on street....?? Why not? Who owns the house or is on the rental agreement? If she has home rights (B94-1) then once you have decree absolute you can apply to the land registry to get the B94-1 removed. Well that's how it works in England and Wales anyway, I'm sure Scotland has similar procedures, although the form names may be different! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 She doesn't know where to live....and I can't kick her out on street....?? Um, yes, you can! And, frankly, it might be the best thing for her. If she's continuing to drink hastening "rock bottom" so that she can clearly see the mess she has made of her life and get help for her drinking and for her future as a self-supporting single woman. Enabling her behavior while supporting her is not going to help her long term and it's unfair to you. Once the divorce is final she needs to be out on her own to start getting herself on her feet. If she has to stay with a friend, family member, or at a shelter then that's what she'll have to do. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 If I recall, her affair took place within 3 months of marrying her and she also accepted money from the black gentleman with whom she was having the affair. Time and no contact is the only way through this. Once you start dating you will find that she is no longer in your thoughts. I hope she gets help for her drinking because living in a small community the chances are very good you'll run into her at one of the local pubs. I found focusing on my work helped me get through the toughest parts for me. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Noirek Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Your story is quite confusing for sure and has a lot of conflicting things. But as for as the thoughts going I don't think divorce will be a magic pill for you. You have clearly a lot of work to do on yourself in order to be whole again. 12 years of trust issues, accusations and lies, alchohlism, rug sweeping and so much more does not go away so easily. I believe divorce was really the only good option you have because of the sheer lack of remorse on her part however, even without that her heavy drinking and unwillingness to work on that is no way to live either. But, I say these things because Divorce is only one step, not the cure. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 She has parents and friends she can move to for a while. You're not her father, you needn't concern yourself with her anymore. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 My feelings on this are well known to fellow LS'rs and that is a husband should not try to reconcile with a cheating wife - especially when there are no children. Lots of BH's will try to reconcile for their kids and, if their wife stops cheating and is truly remorseful, some can make it work. But you can never forget and, for that reason, most men can never truly forgive. One of the key reasons for leaving in the wake of d-day and filing for divorce is that once you don't have to look at her every day the healing process is accelerated. You no longer have to wake up and look at her and think "how could she do this to me?" This immediately reduces your triggers and helps you focus on the job at hand - personal recovery. Find a counselor, read books on healing, and your self-esteem and confidence will begin the healing process. For you right now, no contact is the key. Do not have any contact with your WW unless you absolutely have to - like meeting to discuss the divorce settlement or testify in court. If one of you needs to pick up clothing or other personal effects from the house then ask someone else to be there to "supervise" so the two of you don't have a confrontation. If you are diligent and maintain strict no contact you will find it a little easier every day and after a short month or so you will be surprised at the progress you have made. Good luck. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lisbon67 Posted March 30, 2015 Author Share Posted March 30, 2015 I am struggling. ... I dint want to look at her every day. . but she is struggling too...and I can't but feel sympathy. .when I see her struggling. .. My friend here commented about her parents. .. ..well her dad died in car crash in Ukraine when she was 15 years. .. often she has compared me to her 'dad' ...in so many ways she says... I'm uncomfortable with this of course... And her saying this to me...was years after her affair...which goes back to 2003 ...!! Drifter. ..I agree with your sentiments..entirely But it's still hard. ... Link to post Share on other sites
Author lisbon67 Posted March 30, 2015 Author Share Posted March 30, 2015 I agree ' enabling her behaviour '....is not he going to help her or me. .. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lisbon67 Posted March 30, 2015 Author Share Posted March 30, 2015 Is the fact that is was a black man. ..makes me feel worse...is this bad on my part ?? Probably it is...because I am.not racist one iota. ...but for her to find a black man in this small town... you couldn't make it up....but it's true... Link to post Share on other sites
Author lisbon67 Posted March 30, 2015 Author Share Posted March 30, 2015 I agree ' enabling her behaviour '....is not he going to help her or me. .. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lisbon67 Posted March 30, 2015 Author Share Posted March 30, 2015 Drifter...Every single day. ..I wake up and see her..and think how coukd she do this to me....and every evening coming back from work. ...and every night before going to bed.... Link to post Share on other sites
LifeWasted Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Drifter...Every single day. ..I wake up and see her..and think how coukd she do this to me....and every evening coming back from work. ...and every night before going to bed.... It's normal. Just push through it. You will survive. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Is the fact that is was a black man. ..makes me feel worse...is this bad on my part ?? Probably it is...because I am.not racist one iota. ...but for her to find a black man in this small town... you couldn't make it up....but it's true... This would have become an issue if she had an affair child with other man and then only if you had decided to keep the child because you wanted to save the marriage. You would have had to explain the differences in race at some point. Black, yellow, white, they should have never been allowed access to your sanctuary. How is she acting now? Is she getting help? Have you any fear that she may harm herself? My ex never confessed to her affair even though she had a child as a result of her affair. She didn't loose it until I brought moving boxes home and started packing my things. That was the first time she attempted suicide, 180 extra strength Tylenol dissolved in a glass of water, she than drove and parked on a country road where no one would find her. Thank God for GPS. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 She may never go live somewhere else unless you make her leave. So make it happen today. There's no better day than today. She's ruined your life - there's no good reason to keep her living with you since you're divorcing her. Let her go live with her OM! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mazerati Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Lisbon, I have read your trials, and am glad that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It is time for her to live elsewhere so you can move forward. The twelve years were fraught with lies, turmoil, and suspicion caused by her prostituting herself for three months, and possible guilt thereof. Her drinking is probably a direct result of her A. Yes perhaps you should have ended it twelve years ago, but who really knows if hindsight is 20/20? Regardless the end is nigh, so hold your head high, and stretch those wings. I will toast to you and Life(no longer)Wasted tonight, a long neck of DarkHorse Raspberry Wheat. Best wishes, Maz 1 Link to post Share on other sites
redtail Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 No apology. ..not even once My ex cheated on me and yeah, no apology. However about ten years after we divorced, hadn't seen nor heard from her for at least 8 years, I get a message through Facebook with her apology. Don't need it. She doesn't know where to live....and I can't kick her out on street....?? Yes! She must reap what she sows, that is no longer her house, she abused her rights to it by cheating on you. My ex had supposedly stopped seeing her AP. Until one night I found her "journal" laying out and read it. Still seeing him and just went further under ground to hide her affair. I kicked her out that night and she never stayed in the house again. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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