LDR adjustment going down hill (1.5 yrs total, 4 month LDR)

[LDR1027]

My relationship with my girlfriend is going downhill and I just feel like I'm treading with time not on my side.

 

After dating 1 year in the same city, my girlfriend moved to a different city (500 miles away). Since our 'same city' relationship felt so strong and stable, we agreed to transition it to a long-distance one. I try to visit her once every 3-4 weeks. A typical visit lasts a weekend - friday evening until sunday evening.

 

Unfortunately, our lifestyles have changed. We were inseparable during the year we were together and now things are spiraling downward, it seems like. To keep things short, our fights revolved around trust. She's accumulated a solid friend group of both girls and guys, all of which go out every weekend. I worry infidelity might occur eventually, yet she reassures me that she'll remain faithful. I'm slowly coming around though.

 

The problem is I've dug myself into a hole after four visits with my girlfriend. Three out of the four times I visited we've fought. Although I'm starting to trust that she won't hurt me, I feel like her heart isn't in it anymore.

We didn't fight during one visit only because I bottled things up inside. She never enjoys having a the crucial conversations about my concerns because she's annoyed that she has to repeat herself. With that said, it feel like I sacrifice my feelings for the sake of the relationship.

 

As you can guess, the last visit we fought on a saturday - happy before but awkward/uncomfortable afterwards. Yelling and crying was involved. Later on I tried to handle it in a calm, mature way with her but she fought back because she hates talking about resolving issues in general. I ask her "why" and she gets more irritated.

 

I always get excited for the next visit regardless of what happened during the previous one. However, she gets very skeptical about how the next time we see each other will go. And ultimately, she loses interest in the relationship. How can I handle this hard situation when I can't seem to bring her to talk hard issues? Should I never express any of my concerns to her? I love her but its depressing to think the feelings might not be mutual like they used to be.

[d0nnivain]

Send her some I'm thinking about you flowers.

 

 

Next time you are there in person confess that you are jealous & you know it's hurting the relationship. Explain that your head knows she will be faithful but that you get scared because you care about her so much. Ask her to help you. If she cares, she will work with you to over come your insecurities. If she screams & stamps her feet about how this is your problem & you need to get over it, then maybe your suspicions were right all along.

[LDR1027]

I just visited her yesterday so I figured flowers are a little overkill due to the timing. I did accidentally packed her MacBook charger so I wrote a letter that I'll mail with the charger.

 

It not the insecurities I'm worried about. She's told me plenty of times there's no need to worry. She's just upset she has to repeat it over and over. I'm more worried about the time we have away. When we fight in person, it makes the ldr stale and hard to manage.

 

Should I just give her space and wait till she reaches out to me? Aka let her start the convos?

[kendahke]

Are you sounding like a broken record to her and she feels that when she tells you you don't have to worry, you're not listening to her but are more invested in your insecurities? She shouldn't have to keep repeating herself. She already knows how you feel--why do you insist upon bringing it up time after time after time?

 

That does get old after a while and it does get off putting. Basically, you're telling her that she doesn't have the requisite judgement to know not to wind up on the business end of some guy's johnson because you're not there to stop her. She's too immoral to know not to cross any boundaries with guys because you're not there checking for her. I can see why she doesn't want to discuss things with you. You need to get a grip on that.

 

My advice is to stop fighting. Get your insecurities in check and quit repeating yourself. If you can't trust her, then why are you insisting upon this relationship with her? In the meantime, go out with your friends on the weekends and quit letting your social life go.

[d0nnivain]

If you love her, flowers aren't overkill. Plus if you were the one who started the right on Saturday due to your insecurities, don't you think it behooves you to try to make her not want to run away because you are being annoying to be with?