Demeaning comments about body

[Anela]

Maybe they're angry at you on some level because you never stroke their egos, just mostly stay professional and ignore them. Most of the time you do respond it's about you and what you like rather than playing up to them in anyway. Both men and women can get resentful of that sometimes I think.

 

Plus generally the best way to defend yourself is to attack them back, rather than trying to argue the mean point they brought up. Ie "My butt looks bad? Well, your butt looks like about 50 pounds of chewed bubblegum" rather than "No, my butt looks fine, I do plenty of squats." Since it's work though it might be wiser to just learn to play up to them occasionally instead.

 

I don't think there's a need to play up to them. I wouldn't try to one-up them with insults - especially at work.

 

I was going to say more, but I'm almost asleep.

[Taramere]

Really???

 

That shocks me.

 

I always thought by defending myself and standing up for myself, I was showing strength.

 

I remember Pamela Stephenson (comedienne turned psychotherapist, married to Billy Connolly) had put on weight and the press had been making cruel jabs. I was reading a magazine which contained a response from her to these jabs. It was a very simple response along the lines of "yes, I've put on a bit of weight lately. I should probably try to lose a bit."

 

It conjured up a picture of her reading "Pamela Stephenson has got fat" comments, checking herself in the mirror and thinking "oh yeah. I suppose I have. Better put 'losing a few pounds' on the to do list...." and then getting back to the business of thinking about the 101 other things she needed to get on with.

 

That kind of genuinely strong woman reaction is the last thing media jackals want, in response to their baiting. They want a defensive, angry or wounded response - because that's the stuff drama is made of, and they're in the business of reporting (and sometimes helping to create) drama.

 

Karpman drama triangle - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

With regard to not having a"bubble butt"...genetics and ethnicity tend to play a major role in the kind of ass a woman has. Northern European asses tend to be flatter. Some years back I worked in a team of mainly black women. Office lunchtime conversation tended to be fairly no holds barred - and physical differences between black and white women would be among the things that got explored.

 

My flatter, typically Northern European backside was, at least once, the topic of lunchtime conversation. I didn't regard their commentary as offensive. They weren't criticising it, or suggesting that I should try to alter its shape. They were just observing an ethnic difference. It was true, I did have a flatter ass - and I didn't mind having a flatter ass, just as I wouldn't have minded having an ass that stuck out more.

 

If you're taking regular, moderate exercise you will have the ass nature intended you to have...and you're best just brushing off what is probably little more than bigotry disguising itself as expertise on women's fitness/the sort of exercise regimes women should follow in order to have the "right" shape of ass

[gaius]

You know Phoe, there used to be one bizarre girl that hung around my social circle that was a total whorish flirt. She would flirt with any disgusting guy with two legs basically, except for me. Guys that were fat and semi mongoloid even. Like I never paid her much attention, or tried to get anything from her in anyway, and it was probably more an issue with her than with me, but it still annoyed me to the point I felt like drop kicking her through the uprights for an extra point. That I was there and she was wasting her time on these unworthys. And you better bet if the opportunity arose to tell her how gross her butt was I'd take it. Even if her butt wasn't that gross. Because she dented my ego

 

I've been hanging around a new environment lately and there's one woman I must be attracted to because I can feel my body naturally responding to her. We just stare at each other everytime we're together even if there are other people around. End up standing really close together. And I find myself playing up to her in conversation, incorporating what she says into my responses and conversation topics. Letting her know I listen and remember what she says. Stroking her ego. It's what people like.

[gaius]

I don't think there's a need to play up to them. I wouldn't try to one-up them with insults - especially at work.

 

I was going to say more, but I'm almost asleep.

No, that's a better tactic for outside of work. But she should definitely play up to the guys there a little. Maybe showing a little more interest in them, and not just chiming in if there's an opportunity to talk about her likes and dislikes. Or to take someone else's side against them.

 

Sleep well Anela.

[Rejected Rosebud]

Really???

 

That shocks me.

 

I always thought by defending myself and standing up for myself, I was showing strength.

 

When I defend myself, I refuse to just slink away silently with my tail between my legs, I refuse to be a doormat.

 

I always felt that I was being strong, and that maybe people would respect that.

Like Wholigan said you need to pick your battles, the way you respond now gives all these people who mean nothing to you including on here a huge amount of power, don't even go there!!! First you should not be talking about your body or your personal stuff with people who are not close to you because you are putting yourself at useless risk, especially if you are gonna give a crap about what they think. To be honest ( am not "piling on" I am telling you my opinion that doesn't have anything to do with other stuff on this thread) you seem to be after a lot of attention and it's a trait that puts others off, I know you don't think that you do but I read you that way and maybe other people do.

[Rejected Rosebud]

No, that's a better tactic for outside of work. But she should definitely play up to the guys there a little. Maybe showing a little more interest in them, and not just chiming in if there's an opportunity to talk about her likes and dislikes. Or to take someone else's side against them.

I disagree 100% the last thing Phoe needs to do is engage in more personal unprofessional interactions with people at work. Playing up to guys at work is not something any woman should ever feel she needs to do for heaven's sake!!! She like the rest of us needs to do a good job and get along well with co workers for the sake of the work environment and that is ALL!!

[pteromom]

One thing you will possibly have to learn is to distinguish between meanness and constructive criticism.

 

...and meanness and throwaway comments with no real meaning or agenda behind them.

 

A lot of people just blather and banter and don't really put a lot of thought into how what they are saying may be heard by others.

 

Just as when you are walking around, you are mostly thinking about yourself and what you are doing, so are other people. They aren't sitting around writing essays on Phoe's butt.... they are just talking about butts or fitness and you are there and they use you as an example and don't consider that you may go home and examine your butt and spend hours thinking about whether something is wrong with you or whether you are attractive or not, or whether everywhere you go, people are aghast at how small your butt is. They just speak and forget about it and don't care.

[xxoo]

Really???

 

That shocks me.

 

I always thought by defending myself and standing up for myself, I was showing strength.

 

When I defend myself, I refuse to just slink away silently with my tail between my legs, I refuse to be a doormat.

 

I always felt that I was being strong, and that maybe people would respect that.

 

If someone attacks you, defend yourself.

 

But don't step into situations where needing to defend yourself is a predictable result. These guys are jerks, and that's clear from the conversations you heard before joining in. Don't try to win the approval of a jerk. That's actually a common dysfunctional dating pattern, too: choosing jerks and trying to win their love in order to feel truly lovable. Something to think about.

[xxoo]

.. they are just talking about butts or fitness and you are there and they use you as an example and don't consider that you may go home and examine your butt and spend hours thinking about whether something is wrong with you or whether you are attractive or not, or whether everywhere you go, people are aghast at how small your butt is. They just speak and forget about it and don't care.

 

That's another good point. Don't worry what people think of your body, because chances are they aren't thinking about it at all. Most people are wrapped up in their own issues.

[Phoe]

Thank you everyone. I've got a lot of thinking to do regarding how I interact with others.

[Kamille]

Thank you everyone. I've got a lot of thinking to do regarding how I interact with others.

 

And perhaps: a lot to think about regarding who's opinion you value?

 

People you trust: you can take into account their opinion. Those people are likely those two close friends of yours and your family.

 

And of course, what matters most is what you think of yourself.

 

What 10 out of 100 coworkers think of you? Not important.

 

Whether every single person on a web forum likes you? Not important.

 

You know what you do with the people you feel don't like you? You don't focus on them. You let them go. Your job isn't to convince them to like you.

 

In fact, your job isn't to convince anyone to like you. Your job is to be you. I get the impression that you are so focused on what others think of you that you might have a hard time identifying who you are and what you yourself want.

 

And learning who you are starts by learning to discriminate when it comes to people's opinions of you. Learning that no one's opinion of you is more important than your own opinion of yourself.

Edited April 3, 2015 by Kamille

[gaius]

I disagree 100% the last thing Phoe needs to do is engage in more personal unprofessional interactions with people at work. Playing up to guys at work is not something any woman should ever feel she needs to do for heaven's sake!!! She like the rest of us needs to do a good job and get along well with co workers for the sake of the work environment and that is ALL!!

It's actually the height of professional behavior to feign interest in others instead of just babbling on about yourself and your interests. But this is yet another thread where all the women who know that and practice it themselves argue against it for some reason

[gaius]

I had a minor medical issue that could have tanked me on a physical for a job one time but I played up to the doctor and he just ended up passing me anyway. So much of life is politics and you actually tell her to just sit there and do her job. =/ Anyone who gives that advice to someone must really not like that person Rosebud.

[Phoe]

It's a balance I think.

 

Politics are important. That's why I try to be friendly with everyone in the workplace. Better work environment that way.

 

But at other times, I just put my head down and work, work, work. Too much time spent on the politics means less time to accomplish what I need to get done.

 

And results is what I aim for at work.

[SawtoothMars]

It's a balance I think.

Politics are important. That's why I try to be friendly with everyone in the workplace. Better work environment that way.

But at other times, I just put my head down and work, work, work. Too much time spent on the politics means less time to accomplish what I need to get done.

And results is what I aim for at work.

 

Phoe, I'm sorry to come to this so late. You are one of the few posters on this site to which I really feel an affinity. I think we would probably be friends IRL.

 

Ok, guys routinely rag on one another. Especially immature guys. As a kid this often hurt me bad, like it does you. One time a "friend" told me my eyebrows were like two furry caterpillars crawled on my face. I learned to dish it out, just like the other guys.

 

Listen, there is nothing wrong with your butt. You are very pretty. These guys just need something to rag on you about. They put you down because they feel low themselves.

 

When I was 27, I worked with a guy that would rag on me all the time. I mostly just didn't respond hoping he would just stop. He didn't. One time he called me "Gomer Pyle", and I just exploded. I kicked over the wall of his cubicle and grabbed him. I told him that when I see him in the parking lot after work I was going to thrash him.

 

He left work at noon. I spent hours with HR... But he kept his mouth shut from that point. Not sure if that helps.

[serial muse]

It's actually the height of professional behavior to feign interest in others instead of just babbling on about yourself and your interests. But this is yet another thread where all the women who know that and practice it themselves argue against it for some reason

 

I don't think the women arguing against it are saying she shouldn't express interest in others. They're saying she shouldn't feel the need to play up to sexist comments she dislikes and is made uncomfortable by in the interest of "getting along". There's a line, and it's not really that fine of one, either. I don't know what you mean by "played up" to your doctor, but I doubt it involved making mean jokes about yours or other peoples' bodies, or anything that made you personally uncomfortable.

 

In fact, many people (women and men) have argued that Phoe would do well to take more of an interest in others, rather than being quite so self-focused. The whole point that has been made is that it can be off-putting when someone enters a conversation but makes it about him- or herself, rather than keeping the focus on the original speaker(s).

[regine_phalange]

I suppose I prefer insensitive and blunt over nice and kind, because I'm much more inclined to believe that the insensitive comment is the honest truth, moreso than the kind comment.

 

Don't you wonder why you take more seriously insensitivity and bluntness? Do you think you deserve those? If yes, then your self-esteem is low. I'm not judging you, just trying to help. My best friend is similar in that mindset and suffers from low self esteem. You remind me of her sometimes. She somehow believes that she deserves to be mistreated and doesn't take seriously the men who really like her, she thinks they're crazy to like her. She has her flaws, but she's a lovely girl with a big heart. And she fails to see that.

 

If you overlook people who like you and you don't believe/ignore genuinely kind words said to you, it can be mildly offensive and gives off a bad vibe. And guess with who you're going to be stuck with...

[gaius]

I don't think the women arguing against it are saying she shouldn't express interest in others. They're saying she shouldn't feel the need to play up to sexist comments she dislikes and is made uncomfortable by in the interest of "getting along". There's a line, and it's not really that fine of one, either. I don't know what you mean by "played up" to your doctor, but I doubt it involved making mean jokes about yours or other peoples' bodies, or anything that made you personally uncomfortable.

 

In fact, many people (women and men) have argued that Phoe would do well to take more of an interest in others, rather than being quite so self-focused. The whole point that has been made is that it can be off-putting when someone enters a conversation but makes it about him- or herself, rather than keeping the focus on the original speaker(s).

I don't think that's what they're saying at all, since I explained the circumstance under which she should play up and they're still arguing with me.

[StandingO]

I have been a butt end of the odd comment myself from one or two women. I have a fairly big and muscular upper body but slim legs that are not on the same muscular level as my upper body. One female friend has made the odd joke about my legs. She is the work out partner of my GF. In the gym both have stronger, bigger and more muscular mass in their legs. They do a ton of lower body work with weights. I on the other hand do not with a history of bad knees etc. I do more like maintanence exercises. One side of her mouth she will tease me on the other side she says I have a great body. Make her mind up lol. The leg jabbs are seeming mostly in fun but at times she is in my opinion just boosting up her ego a bit. Usually with my GF who is superior to her in the gym. The "you got a hot body" words comments come out when she has had a few drinks or when her husband has been with me. Her way of poking her husband I think. Some people run their yap and others just think it. I look darn good in clothes or with my shirt off so I feel good about my attributes. This is all that matters. Well my GF thinks I am hot too so that matters too.