Friend has romantic feelings for me, I don't share them

[jp79]

I wasn't sure which topic to post this under... hope this is the right place.

 

I've developed a really close friendship with a girl over the last 6 or 7 months, and I've started to get the impression that she's interested in me romantically. I don't want this. I think she's a great person, and I love spending time with her (a lot!), but I'm just not interested. Since she knows I'll be moving away to a different uni in a few months, she seems to be trying to turn up the heat now, before it's too late, so to speak.

 

This scares me, because it follows the pattern in another similar situation I faced a few years ago. I became really good friends with a girl at work, and she eventually confessed her "true" feelings for me (which I didn't return) just as I was leaving my job to go back to school (i.e. when she knew time had run out on us). I didn't let her down very well, and although we stayed friends for a while after that, the friendship eventually collapsed (and this WAS the reason).

 

So I feel like I'm repeating that chapter in my life once again. My present friend is a fantastic girl, and we have so much in common that I would hate to lose her. But I just KNOW she's going to do something stupid one of these days and tell me how she feels. And she's a very sensitive person... the kind that's been mistreated a lot in the past and has a hard time trusting people. Can it get any worse?

 

How do I approach this? Does anyone have any creative ideas ways I could steer her away from romantic thoughts? I know I could always avoid her, but that defeats the purpose of this whole post!

[LucreziaBorgia]

There is nothing you can do to prevent it from being painful. She's got her heart set on romance, and anything less or anything lacking in even romantic potential will be an emotional downgrade for her. She likely read into your behavior all kinds of 'hopeful signs'. All you can do is gently let her know that you are not romantically interested in her, and that there is no potential for a romantic relationship. Tell her that she's awesome and you cherish her friendship, but you have no intention of making it a romance. You can let her know that should she decide to not be friends, you'll understand. You'll need to understand that if its not 'just friends' she wants - then she isn't likely to want to stick around for something that isn't going to go anywhere romantically.

 

Can it get any worse?

 

Yes. If you don't stop it now, and she catches you in a vulnerable moment - say, a kiss or something like that then it will be even more difficult to get yourself out. Best to stop it before it can have a chance to get that far - particularly since things will escalate for her the closer you get to leaving.

[jp79]

Well, there's no chance of me being caught "off guard". That's not the kind of thing that would ever happen to me, so I don't worry about it.

 

But returning to what you said about talking to her, do you think I should bring the issue up before she does? That doesn't sound like a really good idea... She just *might* never actually make a move, in which case the whole thing can be avoided. Surely, I should hope for that rather than second guess her?

[girlontheotherside]

PLEASE, for goodness sake, please just initiate the conversation and let her know that you like her... ...just as a friend. Keep it an open conversation and see where that takes you.

 

I am on the other end of the situation, and my guy friend probably knows that I am interested in him. He is now ignoring me (which I hate because it's very immature), but I also missed our friendship terribly. Most people could deal with the rejection (at least it's something that can be healed with time) than not knowing.

 

I just wish the guy would make it easier on me and let me know. One guy did let me know in college and even though it hurt a little bit, I FULLY appreciated his honesty. It also hurts a lot LESS than being in limbo (investing time and emotions into a romantic possibility that probably won't happen). You'll break her heart that way.

 

If she's a good friend (and you are a good friend to her), you should let her know. Just be gentle and understanding that she probably won't like your response. If your friendship is as strong as you think, it'll last even if it might be a little awkward at the beginning. In the end though, she'll appreciate your honestly. Trust me.

 

Please keep us posted too! Good luck!

[jp79]

Now that's really interesting, coming from the "other side". But while I see the logic, I'm not entirely convinced. I think the only thing I could do is put out some obvious but subtle hints that I'm not interested, rather than a direct conversation. I just don't think it's my job to bring this up. Who knows? I might change my mind. This is not a time for rash decisions...

[moimeme]

Who knows? I might change my mind

 

Aha. I was wondering how you could feel this way about someone

My present friend is a fantastic girl, and we have so much in common that I would hate to lose her

and not entertain any thoughts of a future relationship, since both those traits are essential in a partner.

 

So is it that you think you will never have feelings for her or that you don't want her to speed ahead of you in this regard?

[jp79]

Moimeme, I think you've misunderstood me. I don't have feelings for her, and I'm sure I never will (as sure as it's reasonable for someone to be about anything in life, that is). What I meant by "maybe changing my mind" was simply that I might decide to take the previous poster's advice and raise the issue myself, rather than wait for my friend to bring it up. It's not that I think I might develop feelings for her.

 

Just for clarification though, what did you mean when you said that you were wondering how I could feel this way about someone? Can you expand on this?

[blind_otter]

Dude, I hate to break it to you, but I'm thinkin the friendship is prolly dead. Or will be soon enough.

 

More importantly, I think, is why this is a pattern for you and why you have done this with more than one female?

[jp79]

Originally posted by blind_otter

More importantly, I think, is why this is a pattern for you and why you have done this with more than one female?

 

 

How is it MY problem if someone falls for me? I'm not going out of my way to attract her, I don't flirt with her, I simply treat her as I would treat any of my male friends. So this makes it my fault? People get into these kinds of situations all the time. Unreturned love is one of the oldest cliches there is. Don't tell me it's never happened to you.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by jp79

How is it MY problem if someone falls for me? I'm not going out of my way to attract her, I don't flirt with her, I simply treat her as I would treat any of my male friends. So this makes it my fault? People get into these kinds of situations all the time. Unreturned love is one of the oldest cliches there is. Don't tell me it's never happened to you.

 

I didn't say it was your problem, hun. I just wondered why it was a pattern with you. It's happened to me once or twice, but not with any regularity or what I could identify as a pattern.

[jp79]

I think you're reading too much into all this. I don't see this weird "pattern" in my life that you do. It's just ironic that it happened one other time in a similar way. From what you've said, it sounds like this sort of thing has happened to you about as many times as it has to me, which is my point exactly: it's not unusual at all. I just want to know how to deal with it when it does happen.

 

I do appreciate the advice people have given.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by jp79

 

This scares me, because it follows the pattern in another similar situation I faced a few years ago. I became really good friends with a girl at work, and she eventually confessed her "true" feelings for me (which I didn't return) just as I was leaving my job to go back to school (i.e. when she knew time had run out on us). I didn't let her down very well, and although we stayed friends for a while after that, the friendship eventually collapsed (and this WAS the reason).

 

So I feel like I'm repeating that chapter in my life once again. My present friend is a fantastic girl, and we have so much in common that I would hate to lose her. But I just KNOW she's going to do something stupid one of these days and tell me how she feels.

 

Hey man, I'm just responding to something you identified, sorry.

[jp79]

well, you're still missing the whole point here.

[moimeme]

Just for clarification though, what did you mean when you said that you were wondering how I could feel this way about someone? Can you expand on this?

 

I'll repeat:

 

I was wondering how you could feel this way about someone

quote:My present friend is a fantastic girl, and we have so much in common that I would hate to lose her

and not entertain any thoughts of a future relationship, since both those traits are essential in a partner

.

 

What else do you want?

[jp79]

Scroll up, I NEVER said this:

 

"My present friend is a fantastic girl, and we have so much in common that I would hate to lose her

and not entertain any thoughts of a future relationship, since both those traits are essential in a partner".

 

I only said the FIRST part of that statement. Look, maybe we should just end this thread here. This has stopped being helpful.

[moimeme]

Oh for God's sakes. The first line is mine. I then quote you saying what a wonderful person you think she is. I then add another comment of mine saying if you think she's so wonderful, why don't you think you'll develop feelings for her.

 

 

 

This is not rocket science. Cripes.

[blind_otter]

Communication issues is probably the bottom line. I suspect you send signals to people without realizing it. Or maybe you DO realize it? I just don't understand. People who've had crushes on me, I admit -- I am flirtacious. I am flirtacious with everyone, so it comes with the territory. You can't tell me you didn't know you were being flirtacious.

[jp79]

Originally posted by moimeme

if you think she's so wonderful, why don't you think you'll develop feelings for her.

Do I have to have feelings for my male friends too when I think they are wonderful? Just because you like spending time with someone, it doesn't mean you want a relationship with them.

 

 

Originally posted by blind_otter

You can't tell me you didn't know you were being flirtacious.

People tend to interpret things the way it's convenient for them. Someone who likes you will see every little "positive" thing you do as a sign that you like them. To repeat (cause I think I said this somewhere earlier), I do not flirt with this girl.

[emdeesea]

... since I've been on both sides of this issue.

 

I feel for you, guy. Because there's not much you can do.

 

I know how it is to have a friend, but you're just not attracted to them. Not much you can do about it. That's just the way it is. And if you're not flirting with her, giving her no indication whatsoever that you're interested, you're not leading her on, so any move brought on by her, you'll have to gently as possible turn her down. And it will probably hurt her. But what else can you do?

 

Now... on HER side... she's thinking the same thing as the other posters. "We get along, we have so much in common, why can't there be something more?" And to a certain extent, I can see her and their point. So it's very likely that when she finds out that you're not romantically interested in her and never will be, she may leave. And it's probably in her best interest actually. I'm not saying you're wrong because you're not. But I'm sure she doesn't want to stick around and watch the guy that she cares about date other women while you keep her around as only your best buddy and talk to her about the women you are seeing. What fun is that?

 

So you're sort of stuck. What's going to happen is going to happen. You may lose her. But all is fair in love and war. And it hurts to be told "you're great and all but I don't want to date you."

 

Good luck to the both of you. Be gentle with her heart.

[Marshbear]

Girls have been doing this with guys for centuries. You get along great with her and you think she should like you as you like her but she just isn't attracted to you, romantically. SHe doesn't want to hurt your feelings so she avoids you and slowly the friendship dies. I would expect the case result in your case.

[jp79]

Thanks for your post emdeesea, I think it was really helpful. But, don't worry about me telling her about my dating... I'm not so dense as to do that. Actually, things have developed a bit since I started this thread (or maybe undeveloped is the word). She seems to be grasping that I'm not interested, and I haven't yet had to tell her anything. You're right though, when she first started to realize (or when I thought she was starting to realize) she was kind of difficult and moody. But now she's really gone back to her normal self, which is a good sign and gives me hope. I'll have to keep my guard up for quite a time though....

 

 

 

 

Originally posted by Marshbear

Girls have been doing this with guys for centuries. You get along great with her and you think she should like you as you like her but she just isn't attracted to you, romantically. SHe doesn't want to hurt your feelings so she avoids you and slowly the friendship dies. I would expect the case result in your case.

 

Marshbear, I'm not sure I understood your post, or maybe you didn't understand mine. You realize that she's the one attracted to me, right? Unless I missed the point of what you're saying, it sounds like you think the opposite. Thanks anyway

[emdeesea]

I can directly relate to this issue myself. Been there done that as the saying goes.

 

In my case, the guy I had a crush on, I knew darn well he didn't have any feelings for me. And he didn't talk about his dating other women to me, but I knew he was doing it and trying his best to keep it from me. Finally I just couldn't take it anymore. I left him. Told him we couldn't be friends at all and not to call me anymore.

 

As things turned out, he crawled back to me a few months later. Said he didn't realize what he had until he lost it. So in my particular case, it worked out.

 

In YOUR case, it probably won't work out that way. Which is cool. This is just one of those things that make human relationships, platonic or not, really frekkin complicated.

 

You're absolutely right though. You may have to keep your guard up for a while. And if she's a mature girl, she'll deal with it. It hurts, but if you guys are close friends and she realizes that this isn't something she wants to lose, she'll deal. And those kind of friendships become really solid and close - the kind that lasts a lifetime.

 

Again... good luck to the both of you.

[jp79]

Thanks

[reid]

Can I ask you something? What makes you not like her more then a friend? Even though you hangout with her alot. Is she not attractive enough for you? Im not trying to be rude, Im just curious as to why you enjoy spending so much time with this girl but you just want to be her friend.

[jp79]

That's a fair question, and one that I've asked myself before. No, I'm not physically attracted to her. But I think I might still have fallen for her if some other impediments weren't there. The biggest of these impediments is that our personalities "match" only to a certain point, and then the match becomes strained. We don't have the same goals, and are in very different places in our lives. And there are some value differences which I don't want to get into. So on the one hand, we can laugh a lot because we have a similar sense of humour, and we trust each other enough to share personal problems. On the other hand, we are miles apart on some things that I see as important in a relationship.