PaperCrane Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 How would you suggest i talk to her about this? She hasn't really spoken to him for a few weeks now, i don't think properly Sit her down and talk it out. Tell her how it happened, why you checked initially and how it made you feel. Don't sit blame anywhere just lay out how you felt about the events that happened and following it. You obviously care about the relationship so you're trying to find reason in this. It also seems you have an end goal with all this. Figure out what would make you okay with this whole situation and suggest that to her, don't demand anything but make it clear that you feel how she is conversing with this guy is not okay with you. Let it be known what you consider crossing the line is and what the consequences of crossing those lines are. Communication is key.
Author forest97 Posted April 9, 2015 Author Posted April 9, 2015 Sit her down and talk it out. Tell her how it happened, why you checked initially and how it made you feel. Don't sit blame anywhere just lay out how you felt about the events that happened and following it. You obviously care about the relationship so you're trying to find reason in this. It also seems you have an end goal with all this. Figure out what would make you okay with this whole situation and suggest that to her, don't demand anything but make it clear that you feel how she is conversing with this guy is not okay with you. Let it be known what you consider crossing the line is and what the consequences of crossing those lines are. Communication is key. Thank you for this, I have told her before that i do not like this guy, and do not trust him. She knows this, but still promises that nothing has or will happen. She has also told me that sending nudes is cheating, as well as flirting and she hates those kinds of people, so surely she wouldn't do it. She also admitted sending a few nudes (not to this guy) way before she met me, because she was bored, i have recieved a few, whilst we have dated I just want everything to be normal, she is also going away for 2 weeks to Borneo on Saturday, so i will basically have no contact with her, that's going to kill me
salparadise Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 I agree that you should sit her down and talk it out, but I have a different idea about how to approach it. I think that you should not get into a detailed discussion about what you saw or distinctions between how much flirting is allowed and how much is too much. Approach it from a higher level, speak in generalities, and make it more about the two of you. Tell her you are at a crossroads where you need to make some decisions, and that you hope that she's as enthusiastic about the relationship as you are. And assuming she answers affirmatively, tell her that for you to be able to take it to the next level that she has to lose these guys who keep sniffing around... because regardless of her perception, their motivations are not honorable. Tell her she needs to realize this and respect you and the relationship. If she's on board with that then you have a new beginning of sorts, but if she backpedals and tries to justify being in contact with them (him) then you'll know that she cares more about the attention than the relationship, at which point you know what kind of person you're dealing with. Give it a few days and see if she changes her password. If she doesn't then she's sincere, but if she does then you'll know she's redoubling her effort to conceal what she's up to and has no intention of cutting him loose.
Author forest97 Posted April 14, 2015 Author Posted April 14, 2015 Well I found the texts deleted and i can't remember what they say, but i did find something from January with this guy on snapchat, and to be honest, it looks as if he was trying to make her feel guilty because she wasn't sending nudes or talking dirty to him. If anyone wants to see, i will post it on here but i really feel like i need to sort him out, advice please? I also found stuff before we were going out with him, i think they may have dirty talked and exchanged pictures, but this was before me so i don't care. Although she did say and promise she never sent him anything before or during me and never would, she admitted to flirting with him before me (she used to like him but he into a dick) why does she still talk to him then?, but sounded like dirty talk. And if she never did, why would she delete the texts, she didn't know i saw?
kendahke Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 Well I found the texts deleted and i can't remember what they say, but i did find something from January with this guy on snapchat, and to be honest, it looks as if he was trying to make her feel guilty because she wasn't sending nudes or talking dirty to him. If anyone wants to see, i will post it on here but i really feel like i need to sort him out, advice please? He's not your problem, quite frankly. He goes no further than your girlfriend allows him to go. So, "sorting him out" is a waste of your time. All that will serve is to make it clear to him that you are impacted by his behavior and that he's on the right track to popping you out of the situation. No, this is for your girl to do and if she hasn't done it by now, then she's not going to do it. THAT is what you have to sort. I also found stuff before we were going out with him, i think they may have dirty talked and exchanged pictures, but this was before me so i don't care. Although she did say and promise she never sent him anything before or during me and never would, she admitted to flirting with him before me (she used to like him but he into a dick) why does she still talk to him then?, but sounded like dirty talk. And if she never did, why would she delete the texts, she didn't know i saw? Probably because she found the selfies you took; probably because it's her phone and she can delete whatever she wants from it if she wants to. Also, she doesn't know that you snooped her phone. Might want to let her know that you know what was said between the two of them because you're going to eventually slip up and blurt it out and put all of the balls in her court. If you can't abide what you read, then end this relationship and quit dwelling on it. What's done is done and no amount of obsessing over it is going to change anything. All of your answers lie with her and you need to have a real serious talk with her about what's been going on here.
Author forest97 Posted April 14, 2015 Author Posted April 14, 2015 He's not your problem, quite frankly. He goes no further than your girlfriend allows him to go. So, "sorting him out" is a waste of your time. All that will serve is to make it clear to him that you are impacted by his behavior and that he's on the right track to popping you out of the situation. No, this is for your girl to do and if she hasn't done it by now, then she's not going to do it. THAT is what you have to sort. Probably because she found the selfies you took; probably because it's her phone and she can delete whatever she wants from it if she wants to. Also, she doesn't know that you snooped her phone. Might want to let her know that you know what was said between the two of them because you're going to eventually slip up and blurt it out and put all of the balls in her court. If you can't abide what you read, then end this relationship and quit dwelling on it. What's done is done and no amount of obsessing over it is going to change anything. All of your answers lie with her and you need to have a real serious talk with her about what's been going on here. Before i took the selfies, she was going to take a shower and she asked me to text one of her girlfriends back (she told me what to put) then i took the selfies. But as i was doing that, he text her not dirty stuff (i know i technically snooped, but i'm pretty sure anyone would have looked in this case) i wasn't looking through until this came up.
No Limit Posted April 14, 2015 Posted April 14, 2015 Disaster waiting to happen. Dump her and look for a girl who doesn't let guys who are "just friends" get on a regularly flirty level. She might just do it for the attention but then there's this party she has to attend with alcohol, he's there too and bang, then comes your part in the play where you act as the oh so betrayed heart broken boyfriend who was totally blindsided.
Pinkdisney Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 Look I'm going to be honest with you here. I've had a BF for the past almost 3 years but every now and then I get a "fishing" text from a former partner testing the waters. One of these texts recently got very explicit (and this man is now married, was single when we first hooked up 3+ years ago) text and I first let it slide just said oh you're crazy, I'm happy, etc...was it flattering? In a way but I flat out told him after the next series of texts begging me to meet for sex that it's not going to happen and to stop texting as it was uncomfortable and I have a relationship I will never disrespect in that way. It stopped. End of story. She needs to end it, sea the one you're in a relationship with. If she doesn't stop it, she wants it to continue.
Author forest97 Posted April 15, 2015 Author Posted April 15, 2015 Look I'm going to be honest with you here. I've had a BF for the past almost 3 years but every now and then I get a "fishing" text from a former partner testing the waters. One of these texts recently got very explicit (and this man is now married, was single when we first hooked up 3+ years ago) text and I first let it slide just said oh you're crazy, I'm happy, etc...was it flattering? In a way but I flat out told him after the next series of texts begging me to meet for sex that it's not going to happen and to stop texting as it was uncomfortable and I have a relationship I will never disrespect in that way. It stopped. End of story. She needs to end it, sea the one you're in a relationship with. If she doesn't stop it, she wants it to continue. So would you suggest telling her to stop texting him? When i said i don't trust him she said "what am i not allowed to have male friends?" I said of course you are. What can i do about this and should i tell her i saw his texts?
Mrlonelyone Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 OP I AM THE OTHER MAN IN A SITUATION LIKE THIS. 1.) He was likely not just a friend. 2.) This guy and your woman are texting in a very familiar way and going to snap chat to send a pic is bizarre unless it is something a bit naughty. 3.) Your woman likes the attention, she likes the flirting, she likes the fun of the texting... she is having an emotional affair with this man. That last point, an emotional affair is a big deal. She may be sleeping with you but she is getting some emotional need met by this other guy and not you. If you think of this as a true love relationship then that could be a problem. Why isn't she with this guy? Is he in another city or otherwise geographically inconvenient? Could it be that if he was near by she could be with him? Think about that. My advice to you would be to sit back, relax, and mentally downgrade this relationship. You sound young, she sounds young, just enjoy the relationship for what it is, sex and fun. Sit back and see if she draws closer to you or keeps you emotionally at arms length.
Author forest97 Posted April 15, 2015 Author Posted April 15, 2015 OP I AM THE OTHER MAN IN A SITUATION LIKE THIS. 1.) He was likely not just a friend. 2.) This guy and your woman are texting in a very familiar way and going to snap chat to send a pic is bizarre unless it is something a bit naughty. 3.) Your woman likes the attention, she likes the flirting, she likes the fun of the texting... she is having an emotional affair with this man. That last point, an emotional affair is a big deal. She may be sleeping with you but she is getting some emotional need met by this other guy and not you. If you think of this as a true love relationship then that could be a problem. Why isn't she with this guy? Is he in another city or otherwise geographically inconvenient? Could it be that if he was near by she could be with him? Think about that. My advice to you would be to sit back, relax, and mentally downgrade this relationship. You sound young, she sounds young, just enjoy the relationship for what it is, sex and fun. Sit back and see if she draws closer to you or keeps you emotionally at arms length. I'm not sure why she isn't with him (she says she thinks of him as a friend, although way before me she used to like him, but he turned weird) They go to the same school/college as each other so see each other on a daily basis there. She said she loves me and only me and he isn't her cup of tea
kendahke Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 (i know i technically snooped, but i'm pretty sure anyone would have looked in this case) i wasn't looking through until this came up. I wouldn't have. I'd have used the phone for the purposes she asked me to and left it at that. But being that you had her permission and you don't feel as if you snooped AND you feel right is so on your side here, why not tell her what you found? Since she knew you were in her phone, you shouldn't be hiding what you did, right?
Author forest97 Posted April 15, 2015 Author Posted April 15, 2015 I wouldn't have. I'd have used the phone for the purposes she asked me to and left it at that. But being that you had her permission and you don't feel as if you snooped AND you feel right is so on your side here, why not tell her what you found? Since she knew you were in her phone, you shouldn't be hiding what you did, right? Would you agree that when i asked her if she's been texting him, and she wouldn't show me and deleted them, isn't she hiding it from me? She's never done that before, she always shows me her texts so
CarrieT Posted April 15, 2015 Posted April 15, 2015 Would you agree that when i asked her if she's been texting him, and she wouldn't show me and deleted them, isn't she hiding it from me? She's never done that before, she always shows me her texts so It doesn't matter. She has no responsibility to show you anything and it doesn't mean anything other than you now appear insecure. 1
Pinkdisney Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 So would you suggest telling her to stop texting him? When i said i don't trust him she said "what am i not allowed to have male friends?" I said of course you are. What can i do about this and should i tell her i saw his texts? Of course people can have friends of the opposite sex, but that's a lame retort because "friends" don't ask for nude texts via snapchat. She doesn't want to let this relationship go, she obviously wants you and him as a sexting buddy. I would not be ok with this. You weren't snooping but found the information, you'd be foolish to let this continue under your nose. 1
Author forest97 Posted April 16, 2015 Author Posted April 16, 2015 Of course people can have friends of the opposite sex, but that's a lame retort because "friends" don't ask for nude texts via snapchat. She doesn't want to let this relationship go, she obviously wants you and him as a sexting buddy. I would not be ok with this. You weren't snooping but found the information, you'd be foolish to let this continue under your nose. How would you suggest dealing with this? She said she's never done anything with him (other than a bit of flirting so)
salparadise Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 How would you suggest dealing with this? She said she's never done anything with him (other than a bit of flirting so) If you don't have the balls to call her on her crap––disrespecting you by sexting her guy friends––then she'll never respect you. You might as well get "Welcome" tattoo'd across your chest and assume the prone position in front of the door, because it will not stop and it's a matter of time before you get humiliated. It's been two weeks... 2
DrReplyInRhymes Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 She may say what she wants, I've read this thread through, Conjecture is simply that, answers with no evidence to prove, When you find a woman whose words match their actions too, You won't have to question at all what happened, or with who. Don't be the guy who is willing to put up with this crap, Don't play games, but don't try to be her doormat. Tell her how you feel, that you feel she violated your trust, Let the other guy have her, I feel she's not deserving of your love. The reason she isn't taking your request to stop talking with this guy, Is that she's already proved what she can get away with under your eye, Foolishly you pulled the wool over your own eyes and your resolve is weak, So the attention and flirtation from other guys she'll continue to seek. If she's serious about you, then when you ask for a break, Tell her that you don't know anymore in lieu of this mistake. If she wants to be with you, she'll address this problem to fix, Otherwise, you'd probably find out she'll be with new guy pretty quick. Some people will tell you "no, that's manipulative and just a silly game!" But they don't realize the hurt you feel just by mentioning his name, She doesn't seem to mind your feelings when it comes to dealing with it too, So for all of that, I fear you're already playing her game and you'll lose. 2
Poutrew Posted April 19, 2015 Posted April 19, 2015 Well.... if you want to know the truth, and are willing to resort to truly desperate means to find out what she is sending on snapchat, there is a way. Like I said, this is pretty sneaky, but it's doable. Depending on what kind of phone she is using, most cells have an extra socket inside the phone, usually next to the SIM card, that you can install a micro SD memory card into. You can go into the phone setup, usually somewhere under options menu, that allows you to redirect all pictures / videos to be saved to the SD card and not the phones internal memory. Then just leave the phone alone for a period of time. Any picture she takes will get saved to the SD card. Then just remove the SD card, and download the contents into your PC for review. You can put the SD card back in the phone. But be warned you may not like what you find out! I used this method to find out my ex GF was sending pictures she took of my junk while I was sleeping to her college mates , and they were sending weenie pics back to her along with critical comments as to size, who would be a better fit, and some using a photo editor to draw faces on them. I also found out she was a closet bisexual with one of her female friends since 5th grade. Damn, and here she literally looked like she just stepped out of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. Till that point I actually thought she was maybe wife material. I never told her what I learned, but used her for sex for the rest of the year before I dumped her. Ahhh those crazy uni days.
Mrlonelyone Posted April 19, 2015 Posted April 19, 2015 I'm not sure why she isn't with him (she says she thinks of him as a friend, although way before me she used to like him, but he turned weird) They go to the same school/college as each other so see each other on a daily basis there. She said she loves me and only me and he isn't her cup of tea Sounds allot like the situation I was in a couple years back. Me and her spent so much time together, aside from anything really school related it was like we were living together.* Only as I was graduating did we break up. She still contacts me and I her from time to time. OP you need to honestly consider doing what the poster below has said.... Well.... if you want to know the truth, and are willing to resort to truly desperate means to find out what she is sending on snapchat, there is a way. Like I said, this is pretty sneaky, but it's doable. Depending on what kind of phone she is using, most cells have an extra socket inside the phone, usually next to the SIM card, that you can install a micro SD memory card into. You can go into the phone setup, usually somewhere under options menu, that allows you to redirect all pictures / videos to be saved to the SD card and not the phones internal memory. Then just leave the phone alone for a period of time. Any picture she takes will get saved to the SD card. Then just remove the SD card, and download the contents into your PC for review. You can put the SD card back in the phone. But be warned you may not like what you find out! I used this method to find out my ex GF was sending pictures she took of my junk while I was sleeping to her college mates , and they were sending weenie pics back to her along with critical comments as to size, who would be a better fit, and some using a photo editor to draw faces on them. I also found out she was a closet bisexual with one of her female friends since 5th grade. Damn, and here she literally looked like she just stepped out of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. Till that point I actually thought she was maybe wife material. I never told her what I learned, but used her for sex for the rest of the year before I dumped her. Ahhh those crazy uni days. That said I'm sure your GF is a great girl in many ways. However, you can't take her more seriously than she takes you. Take her as a serious GF, a fun woman you can have good times and good sex with nothing more. Maybe if you guys are together for a couple more years and she matures up, tells this guy to get lost or just stops responding to him, then you can wife her. Right now she sounds like a female player. *I found out how many non-sleeping hours married people spend together. It was more than that.
Penguin_hugs Posted April 30, 2015 Posted April 30, 2015 I feel like there is a bit too much speculation going on here. You don't know that she was cheating for definite- and you shouldn't have read her messages in the first place- it's disrespectful and shows that you don't trust her. The original messages to me sounded like she was trying to get rid of the person and not flirty. But considering we only communicate 10% via actual words- texting is a really bad way of reading in to something too much or the wrong way. I would leave it for now- if it comes up- apologise for the snooping, you didn't mean to and you are really sorry- you do trust her but... ask what was going on with the guy. I feel like this was a while back now, so better not to bring it up again. She may have just liked the attention that she once got from this guy- you said that you are her first BF. Stop snooping- start trusting. She's going to be the one backing off from your behaviour if you aren't careful. It comes across as a big red flag. Take the latest drama on BBC3 (catch it on iplayer) called "Beaten by my boyfriend". It starts with phone snooping. I'm not suggesting that you are in anyway like that by the way- I was just trying to make a point. 1
Author forest97 Posted April 30, 2015 Author Posted April 30, 2015 I feel like there is a bit too much speculation going on here. You don't know that she was cheating for definite- and you shouldn't have read her messages in the first place- it's disrespectful and shows that you don't trust her. The original messages to me sounded like she was trying to get rid of the person and not flirty. But considering we only communicate 10% via actual words- texting is a really bad way of reading in to something too much or the wrong way. I would leave it for now- if it comes up- apologise for the snooping, you didn't mean to and you are really sorry- you do trust her but... ask what was going on with the guy. I feel like this was a while back now, so better not to bring it up again. She may have just liked the attention that she once got from this guy- you said that you are her first BF. Stop snooping- start trusting. She's going to be the one backing off from your behaviour if you aren't careful. It comes across as a big red flag. Take the latest drama on BBC3 (catch it on iplayer) called "Beaten by my boyfriend". It starts with phone snooping. I'm not suggesting that you are in anyway like that by the way- I was just trying to make a point. That is true, i do not know for sure, although this guy tried to force it upon her to dirty talk or whatever it was he was after. It's just so hard not to say anything about it, because i know it was wrong to look, although i didn't do it on purpose! So you don't think i should mention this, unless something along the lines comes up basically? I don't care if it was before me, but not whilst we were going out, pictures or dirty talk because that's cheating (it happened to her mum like this) We know each others passwords so we can have a look should we wish, but when i asked to see her texts to him, she hid it, never done that before. I have heard about that programme, trust me i am not that person and never will be, hate people like that.
PaperCrane Posted April 30, 2015 Posted April 30, 2015 [...] She may have just liked the attention that she once got from this guy- you said that you are her first BF. And what if she desires other attention again, perhaps not of just the sexting sort? She has shown the will and aptitude to keep it, whatever it was, hidden. Never would I ever allow this type of behavior in any relationship I was in. It is not only disrespectful it is also emasculating.
SerCay Posted April 30, 2015 Posted April 30, 2015 Yeah snooping might be wrong but usually when the spouse snoops there's a reason why they want to snoop. I've been in the situation where I went to school with a guy I used to sleep with and my now ex-bf didn't like it. At first I was all like what's your worry? c'mon, it's just fun. Then I understood the hard way that it's hurtful. Then I grew up and stopped talking to the guy for the sake of my RS. I wouldn't know the dynamics of your RS with this girl, but here's 2 things I know: 1. You do not have to accept continuous flirting of your SO with another, even if it's "just for fun", it's simply disrespectful. 2. If your SO does not prioritize the needs of your relationship together to her own craving for attention then you shouldn't stay. Why be in a relationship if one of the 2 isn't invested right?
Penguin_hugs Posted April 30, 2015 Posted April 30, 2015 That is true, i do not know for sure, although this guy tried to force it upon her to dirty talk or whatever it was he was after. It's just so hard not to say anything about it, because i know it was wrong to look, although i didn't do it on purpose! So you don't think i should mention this, unless something along the lines comes up basically? I don't care if it was before me, but not whilst we were going out, pictures or dirty talk because that's cheating (it happened to her mum like this) We know each others passwords so we can have a look should we wish, but when i asked to see her texts to him, she hid it, never done that before. I have heard about that programme, trust me i am not that person and never will be, hate people like that. Therefore she was not instigating it. I feel like it's happened in the past- and you have left it too long to really discuss now. Unless it comes up I wouldn't personally bring it up. I'd feel odd if my BF was asking to see my texts. I don't have anything to hide- but I would feel I wasn't being trusted if he asked. My phone doesn't have a pin- so I guess he could check it. I think he told me his once when he was explaining a method of setting passwords- I've never looked.
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